former golden child now bad child

[lucylou]

Hi Everyone

Really pleased to have joined this site. This is my first post and I am nervous about  it as I have a huge fear of rejection and criticism/judgements from people.I have much I'd like to share with you and  i know i must be brave about facing these fears as the validation you can give me will help counter all the distorted messages i received from my parents. As a child i was  placed in the role of rescuer for both my mother and father. I was the golden child especially with my mom who was enmeshed with me and used emotional incest to plot me against my dad. Both of them are lifelong victims and nothing was/is ever their fault. Having them as parents I was taught that I am ALWAYS WRONG and my opinions are ALWAYS WRONG, and this belief is very indoctrinated in me. Toxic shame and humiliation were used a lot by both my parents particularly my mother which I now know is very common in dysfunctional families. As a result  i have difficulty trusting others and forming friendships that last.I am co dependent and suffer from social phobia.    For 10 years i believed my mother had Narcissistic personality disorder mainly because my grandmom seems to be NPD but now i am also convinced she has Borderline tendencies. Maybe she was always a borderline, who knows? This is the difficulty with having to play amateur psychologist most of us are just stabbing away in the dark trying to find the pieces that fit most   Unfortunately  i will probably never know for sure although the  conformation would in some way give me closure. My dad is very self centred,vain, controlling/blaming but  i dont know if he has a  narcissistic personality disorder or just unpleasant traits , what i do know is i dont like him that much because he is very abusive and i was scared of him as a child. At the moment i am NC because i tried to set boundaries about how he talks to me when he visits and he exploded. I know you will understand everything I have just said and have probably read it a thousand times here already

My mother never self harmed or tried to take her life although my dad once did when my mom was divorcing him. I dont know lots about borderline personality so i look forward to hearing from you. I would also like to add that my mom never screams and shouts or goes into a full blown rage when she is angry what she does is more subtle.She uses psychological tactics such as pauses on the phone then the slow dangerous angry voice gets wheeled out. She will say stuff like "there really is something very very wrong with you... .you need help you are very abnormal."or say if i ask her about something that happened in my childhood she would use the same voice and say "get over it and grow up" and that would be the end of the conversation. Shes so good at twisting and tying me up in knots and projecting when we fight that this is why im thinking about her being more of a borderline. Anyway I guess at the end of the day whatever the diagnosis the effects of us as children are the same... .and i need to focus on recovery.

I have been seeing a counsellor for the last 9 months and that has helped a lot because she gives me support and guidance but i think i badly need validation from other people who have had the same experiences also because validation was never ever given to me.Until i can find my own strong voice and sense of self/confidence it would help to know i am not alone and i am not wrong about how i am feeling. I have 5 wonderful children and a partner who does his best to support me but i think he finds it difficult to understand.  Finally i would like to add that after a year of NC with my mom I am VLC although i have since regretted that decision and dread the phone ringing. However there was a reason behind seeing her again, and that was because i wanted to get my childhood photos from her house so i can do inner child work with my counsellor. When i went to my moms to  collect the photos do you know what she said when she gave them over? well she said they are no use to me any more and when i die my partner wont want them in the house. Basically she was just reminding me how worthless i am to her  now i stood up for myself and abandoned her and that because i have proved such a disappointment to her the house will not be mine after she dies, it will go to her partner because hes been there giving her attention.   It really hurt so very bad to see the photos of me as a child and also her grandchildren thrown into a crappy plastic bag like we were nothing more than rubbish, but then i reminded myself that i was never really anything to her it was all just an illusion and that its better to live in truth than in lies. So i took that beautiful little girl in that bag home and said to her I am your Mommie now and i will never hurt you  like the other one did And so the journey to recovery begins    best wishes

[Rapt Reader]

It really hurt so very bad to see the photos of me as a child and also her grandchildren thrown into a crappy plastic bag like we were nothing more than rubbish, but then i reminded myself that i was never really anything to her it was all just an illusion and that its better to live in truth than in lies. So i took that beautiful little girl in that bag home and said to her I am your Mommie now and i will never hurt you  like the other one did And so the journey to recovery begins    best wishes

Hi, lucylou & 

That is the saddest and also the sweetest thing! Yes; sometimes we do need to be the mommie to our inner child to help ourselves cope and move on from the pain of our childhoods. I'm happy you were able to do that, and so glad you found us! You are definitely understood here, and right now I am validating your feelings, and please know that others who are reading here are shaking their heads in quiet agreement... . 

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. I see you have already found the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board, and Senior members on that board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

The Suggested Reading and Lessons pinned to the top of the threads over on that board would be a great place for you to start, in order to find the healing and information that you need to feel better. And, also, don't forget to click on the links to the right-hand side of that board's pages; they are wonderful! Please know that you've found the right place to heal, to find support and comfort, and the light at the end of the tunnel... .

[lucylou]

Thank you for your kind words of support. Writing on a forum is a big deal for me as i still feel i dont have a right to a voice or to express an opinion. I am working on these issues with a T so hopefully with time i can learn to be more assertive and stand up for myself.

I am continuing to learn from your site and im sure it will help in the healing process Many thanks for your reply  and hope to post again soon!

[Clearmind]

We are pleased you joined too Lucy! Welcome.

There are no judgments here. Everyone on the Healing Board has a BPD parent and feeling judged is certainly a carry over from having such a parent.

Faulty beliefs are certainly another major carry over from our childhoods and as adults we need to begin to identify what those faulty beliefs are and begin to rebuff them – we are adults with adult privileges and we do have the right to call the shots.

We cannot change our past Lucy and nor can we change our parents – we can begin to embrace some clarity and some emotional freedom free of our inner critic.

It’s wonderful you are seeing a therapist – we recommend a therapist to help us navigate.

We need to learn some boundaries Lucy – to protect us!

We are here for you.