Wife's Ashamed... Help?

[radioguitarguy]

Hello All... .

Quickly recapping... .our BS29 is currently living downstairs and sleeping on our couch. He was asked to leave last Thanksgiving because he couldn't seem to respect the boundary we set about smoking cigarettes in bed. He couch surfed for a couple of months and then had nowhere to go. We told him he could sleep on our couch downstairs, where he remains as we approach yet another Thanksgiving.

To make a very long story as short as possible, we're thinking of letting him move back into his old room(there's a whole new topic for discussion)... .but that's not what I'm writing about. The wife and I were out on our pontoon boat last night, and yes, we might have had a glass or two or three of wine, feelin' good when the mood strikes us to invite my brother and sister-in-law for Thanksgiving. Keep in mind my bro and his wife are Project Managers for major corporations. Their lives are planned up the wazoo, spotless home, no kids, etc. You get the picture? After thinking on that for about an hour last night, I thought I saw steam emanating off of my wife's head! Let the awfulizing begin! This is her thought process... .now we have to redo the downstairs(new couch, clean the carpets, etc.) so they(my brother and sis-in-law) can watch football... .before we can move our BPD son into his old room it has to be painted, carpets torn up, holes in the wall fixed, etc. The two of us are not overachievers so it takes us awhile to get things done. She's already decided it won't get done. Now we're failures, she's ashamed, she starts beating herself up. I obviously don't feel the same way. She's gone from a lovely evening on the lake into a deep dark funk about having my brother for Thanksgiving.

Look, I sat down with her and validated her feelings. This is not the first time we've gone thru this. I can't tell her that the way she feels is wrong! So now she's hysterical because she's awfulizing, she's horrible, her house is a tenement, etc. What do I do? I've validated, I've tried to "fix it", I've offered suggestions.

Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

My husband and I have gone through things like this in the past (and may again in the future!); he's much more concerned about how people see our house and yard than I am. Our place is great, but now and then it can get a bit "lived in" and in my mind other people understand that, so if they drop in on the spur of the moment I don't feel the need to run around and put things away, or dust or whatever. Husband will do that and then be stressed out and/or annoyed that we had to do it.

If we invite people over he will do like a winter or spring cleaning of our house, whether it needs it or not; I like things to be neat and clean when people come over, of course, but a good vacuuming and dusting and cleaning of the kitchen and bathrooms are good enough for me. When we have a difference of opinion over what has to be done for company, I try to see to it that we talk about it when he's not dysregulated about it (and you do have another month at least before you have to get cracking if you aren't going to do major renovations), and we can get to the point where the work decided on is acceptable to both of us.

Maybe she just needs time to get used to the idea of the company (her stress over the needed renovations may really be her stress that they are even coming at all!); she could be obsessing because she really doesn't want the company because of other things. Now that she's not under the influence of the wine and camaraderie    she might be sorry that she's got to clean the house, cook the meal, entertain guests, clean up afterwards, etc. It just might be manifesting in her blaming the condition of the house, instead... .Who knows?

I say give her time to get used to the idea of the company, and when she calms down maybe come up with some minor cosmetic changes that are easy and not too expensive and quick to do. It might make the whole idea easier for her... .Offer to help her cook and clean up afterwards; that could change the dynamic also. Just thoughts off the top of my head, as a "housewife" 

[radioguitarguy]

Hi Rapt Reader... .

Your suggestions are good although I am always by her side when it comes to cleaning and cooking. It could be the fact that she thinks her brother and sister-in-law are as close to "perfect" as you can be... .spotless house, renovations done by themselves, painting done by themselves. Check this out, my brother gave his wife a detailed 10 year money plan, which took him 6 months of research to formulate, factoring in depreciation and household improvements, etc. His wife was so happy that she broke down and cried. My wife doesn't feel she measures up. She's always complaining that we're too lazy, that we don't follow through with stuff... .that we don't do enough work around the house. I think you get the point. Our house is comfy and warm. It's not fancy and large. She has many friends who are wealthy with large homes on the lake, fancy foreign cars, etc. Every once in awhile I ask her why she can't appreciate what she has? But her mind won't let her feel that way and it makes me sad.

There are times when I want to tell her to get her own place so everything can be exactly the way she wants it to be. We've been having this discussion for the last 30 years and I'm tired of it. I'm ready to tell her to get some therapy and work on these feelings but I really don't think she wants to hear that from me. Factor in we have our 29bs living downstairs. She won't go down there... .she says it smells and it's disgusting.

Thanks for your thoughts... .

[MammaMia]

It sounds like your wife is stressing out over being perfect... .which she assumes your brother and wife are.  With the added stress of your son and his issues, she is most likely overwhelmed with emotion.

We can be so hard on ourselves sometimes.  We feel like we have failed, when, in fact, we have done the best we can, given all the circumstances involved.   We assume others are judging us by their standards which may or may not be true.

Would your brother and his wife be offended if you invite them and have them stay in a nice hotel or quaint and beautiful B&B... at your expense?  This would allow the time you spend together to be QUALITY time and it would give everyone privacy as well as reducing your wife's stress level?  Holidays are hard... .why make them harder unnecessarily?  

Just a thought.  You could even call it an early Christmas present... .

[lbjnltx]

Will these guests be coming because they want to be in your company for the holiday or because they want to be in a clean and well decorated environment?

Stressing over having everything perfect can ruin the spirit of the occassion and the ability to enjoy the guests.

Can you compromise with her?

Ask your BPDson if he wants to move back up to his room.  If he does, ask him if he will help do the repairs and paint next week.  Make it a family project.

If he doesn't then get the room ready anyway and ask him to nest in it and not in the common areas of your home.

Once he is in his room have fun and enjoy sprucing up the downstairs.  When it is finished bring home some fresh flowers for your wife to put in the newly reclaimed space.

You will be surprised at how much your wife will appreciate your efforts to understand her needs and your willingness to help her achieve her desires.

Happy wife... .happy life, nice home to come home to.

jmo

lbjnltx

[six]

here's my 2 cents (for what its worth, which is about 2 cents)

I feel that with all the stuff going on in my house inviting anyone in puts instantaneous pressure on me and everyone else and it is just usually not worth it

it might be nice to have your bro for txgiving but at what cost to your wife's peace of mind

my feeling is its just not worth it

also anyone who's life appears perfect is going to bring up a lot of shame and comparing in families like ours

I have a relative who also appears to have everything together. its hard to spend time with perfect people when our lives are so clearly not that way (theirs are probably not either, but that's for another thread)

I would ask your wife what her perfect txgiving would look like and then do that without any pressure. maybe next year when your son has found his own place and things are calmer you can invite the family

[Thursday]

RGG-

Oh my, how I feel for you and your wife. I honestly see both sides.

Any chance you could convince your wife to open the front door (when your brother and sil show up) and announce,

"Sorry for the mess but we live here."

(I heard that on the Roseann show many years ago and have used it a few times when unexpected guests have shown up.)

Have you already invited your family to come? If not, can you travel, just you and your wife, to their town, check into one of those extended stay hotels with a kitchen and do Thanksgiving from the perfection of that scenario? Tell your family you want to see them but need to get away from difficult couch sleeping adult son.

Your brother and your sister in law sound a little bit nuts to me.

Once when my BPDSD was away at a wilderness therapeutic camp I redid her room. It was adorable and perfect when she got home. She LOVED it. Within a week it was trashed, within a month the holes were back in the walls and the new carpet was covered with Dr. Pepper stains, hair dye, and who knows what else.

Thursday