Almost not quite broke it off

[BlackKnitLace]

Hey, so, when I first joined, I had every intention of improving my relationship and staying with my BPD girlfriend.

As it is right now, she moved out nine days ago because I asked her to. The last few months have been really hard for me. First, I went on a trip with my family in May. She was upset that I was leaving her, to the point of begging me not to go. When I did go, she would text me all the time, either to be pitiful, or to be mean. When I got back from that trip, she was really nice again, since I was with her. As the summer wore on though, we struggled with her medication. She had a new psychiatrist, but she didn't like him, and so she'd make an appointment, cancel it, and call him to get temporary refills. Eventually, if she didn't see him, she would run out of medication (she has depression, anxiety, and mood swings), and so I'd have to deal with that.

I moved 10 hours from home to be with her. When I moved, the deal kind of was that I'd get into the grad school here, and she would get a job. As it was, she never did get a job. She was supported by me and by her parents. She did get a job for a couple months, but she rarely worked, and she'd frequently call in sick when she wasn't sick. I usually had to push her out the door for her to get there on time. She quit that job in May and never looked for another one.

In August, we went to visit my parents. I was already feeling like I couldn't keep the relationship going for much longer. While we were there, she gave me the silent treatment on a few separate occasions related to two things: 1) going out dancing with my brother (she was invited, but never wanted to go), and 2) her nose ring. She decided that she wanted a nose ring, and so, with the spending money her mom gave her, she got her nose pierced. When she first asked if I would take her, I told her she needed to look at reviews for the place, and she needed to wait a couple days to think about it (I'm from a small town, and don't really trust the tattoo-piercing parlors). Two days later, she still wanted to do it, and I told her when she did it that I wouldn't be able to help her with it (I'm squeamish about holes in noses), and she said okay. So on our last night at my parent's house, it fell out of her nose and she couldn't get it back in. I suggested waiting an hour or so until she had calmed down, and I said I couldn't really help her beyond that. She ended up shouting at me, and she slammed the bathroom door on me. All of that happened with my entire family (which consists of two kids under the age of 8) 20 feet away.

When we got back home in August, I asked if she would start taking care of one of the bills. Up to that point, I took care of filling out bills, and making sure I had enough money to pay them. I asked for her help, because I felt like we needed to be sharing responsibility. She said she would do it, but when the bill came, it sat on her dresser all month, unopened. I brought it up the day it was due, and she told me she didn't realize it was there, that she forgot about it, etc... .I told her that things had to change if we were going to keep living together. She would have to 1) pay the next bill, and 2) get a job (or at least actively apply for jobs). All that had to happen by the end of the month.

So a few days before the end of the month, she asked me if I was going to make her move out. Of course, the gas bill had gone unpaid, and when I asked about jobs, it was clear she was making things up. She said she had been asking people on our campus about jobs (she knows she can't get a job on campus; her parents make too much for her to do work study, and the other option, student hire, still usually goes to work study people). On top of that, she has virtually no job experience, something else that would prevent her from working on campus. She said she had talked to five people about whether or not there were jobs on campus she could apply for, and they all said no. Ultimately, she looked for jobs in the one place she knew she couldn't get one, I'm assuming so that she could say she looked without having to risk actually getting a job.

The other part of that was that she was irresponsible about medication. She'd let herself run out, and she'd never call to make appointments with her doctors to get refills. When medication was in, she had no money to pick it up, to the point where they would eventually put it back.

I couldn't stand to stay at our apartment, so I moved out in the last couple of days (haven't told her yet). I'm second guessing myself all the time. It made me sick to be at our apartment, but it makes me sick to be at the new one too, so I feel like I should've stayed at the old one, since at least I had somewhat of a routine there.

I'm just sad and upset all the time right now. I miss her so much, and I loved her, but I know our relationship was going nowhere. I did tell her that, if she was able to start doing better, we could talk about living together again. However, she now just sits at her parent's house all day, self-pitying and posting about it online. I feel like, if she really wanted a chance at making this work, she would be out looking for jobs.

What it all came down to was that, when living together, I felt like a parent taking care of a child. We weren't partners; she was my dependent. Even so, I didn't officially break up with her; I just said we needed to live apart for now.

Even so, with all of that, I miss her so damn much. I've never been this depressed before. The fact that I'm 10 hours from home and she was all I had makes it so much worse. It'll be another 8 months before I finish my degree and can move back closer to home.

Sorry this is so long... .

[Surnia]

  BlackknitLace

So sorry to hear all this! 

In the same time I think you did the right thing. You had some boundaries about sharing the living coasts and finding a job and you are quite realistic about the fact she is very dependent on you.

Yes, it hurts right now. And you have to find a way deal with your depression.

Its okay to be sad and its okay too to be angry!

Do you have some friends you could see?

[BlackKnitLace]

Thanks for your reply, Surnia. I really appreciate it.  

I've got a few friends, and I've been trying to see them all week. Unfortunately, it's a really small town, and my department is really small.

I've been talking to one of my out-of-town friends online a lot too, which has been nice.

I was actually doing a little better for a few days, and then I kind of spiraled. I started my period yesterday though, so I know that's making things worse (I'm terribly emotional during my time of the month, haha).

I'm so glad that this community is here too. It's hard to explain what it's like to be with someone who's BPD to someone who has no experience with it. When I first joined here, I read a lot of things about BPD (on this and other sites). I read a lot of stuff about how they feel perfect for you, and the relationship seems perfect at first, and stuff like that, and it all applies. For the first two years we dated (we were long distance), everything seemed so perfect, and now I find myself wanting that again, which I know isn't good.

[Surnia]

Good you have contacted some friends, this helps a lot. And some days   are not so good, it will get better however!

Yes, i can so relate, its difficult sometimes to speak about mental illness with real life friends... .this is where we are here for. 

A warm hug for the emotional you. 

[BlackKnitLace]

[Hugs you back.]

The worst part right now for me is still going to bed alone at night. We've gone to sleep next to each other for a year, and I'm so terrible at change. Changes take me a long time to process and handle, especially routine changes.

I can't help but wonder too if things would be different had I not enabled her. Like... .I took care of everything, drove her to doctor appointments, reminded her to take her meds, etc... .for a year. Maybe if I hadn't, things would be better? Logically, I know they probably wouldn't have, but emotionally, I can't help but think about it.

[willtimeheal]

I haven't posted on here in a while. Don't blame yourself or second guess yourself. She is a grown adult. It is not your responsibility to make sure she takes her medicine goes to the doctors and finds a job. The only person you are responsible for is yourself. You can't force someone to get better or change. It's a tough lesson to learn but they have got to want to change and get better. You did the right thing. You want a partner. Some one  to grow with and experience life with. She is going through the motions and she knows that you will take care of everything. My partner was the same way. She would forget to pay bills or forget her pills or just drink her problems away. Problem is when you are busy taking care of someone else you forget about yourself. That is what happened to me. She was so miserable and I tried so hard to make her happy that I ended up miserable too.  It is hard but you have to step away for your own sanity and happiness. Go out and stay busy. Nights will get easier. It takes time but it does. Hang in there.

[hopealways]

Do NOT blame yourself.  Regardless of whether you "enabled" her, this is who she is.  She would not have changed under any circumstance.  Be grateful that you can heal and you will. She cannot.  It was hard for me to look at the pillow next to me and not feel her there. She even left a hair clip on the floor which I did not move or touch for one month.  But you WILL get better as long as you look ahead, remain in NO CONTACT and time will heal you.  When you start to miss her, realize that it is really not her you are missing, you are missing the love you did not receive growing up. This was your chance at getting that love and you fell head over heals over that fantasy, not her.

[BlackKnitLace]

I haven't posted on here in a while. Don't blame yourself or second guess yourself. She is a grown adult. It is not your responsibility to make sure she takes her medicine goes to the doctors and finds a job. The only person you are responsible for is yourself. You can't force someone to get better or change. It's a tough lesson to learn but they have got to want to change and get better. You did the right thing. You want a partner. Some one  to grow with and experience life with. She is going through the motions and she knows that you will take care of everything. My partner was the same way. She would forget to pay bills or forget her pills or just drink her problems away. Problem is when you are busy taking care of someone else you forget about yourself. That is what happened to me. She was so miserable and I tried so hard to make her happy that I ended up miserable too.  It is hard but you have to step away for your own sanity and happiness. Go out and stay busy. Nights will get easier. It takes time but it does. Hang in there.

Thank you so much. This is so reassuring, particularly because you experienced something very similar (it's hard talking to my friends and family because none of them have experienced something quite like what I did). I really did try to make her happy too, but over the last few months in particular, I've just gotten more and more miserable. The fact that I had to ask her to move out didn't come as a surprise. I was surprised though at, after how long I've prepared for this, how hard it ended up still being. Your reassurance and support means a lot though. Thank you so much.

[BlackKnitLace]

Do NOT blame yourself.  Regardless of whether you "enabled" her, this is who she is.  She would not have changed under any circumstance.  Be grateful that you can heal and you will. She cannot.  It was hard for me to look at the pillow next to me and not feel her there. She even left a hair clip on the floor which I did not move or touch for one month.  But you WILL get better as long as you look ahead, remain in NO CONTACT and time will heal you.  When you start to miss her, realize that it is really not her you are missing, you are missing the love you did not receive growing up. This was your chance at getting that love and you fell head over heals over that fantasy, not her.

Thank you so much for the response. What you said about missing her makes a lot of sense. My Dad said something similar, that I don't miss her so much as I miss what could of been, what I thought things would be. She was my first girlfriend too, so I know that doesn't help. I've got 0 experience breaking up with someone mentally healthy, much less with breaking up with someone unstable.

[willtimeheal]

Hey BlackKnitLace

I have been through a similar experience. My ex and I were together for over four years. When I met her I was sure I found my soul mate. Those four years were the greatest and the worst of my life. There were more bad times then good. The verbal and emotional abusive was extensive and she took great.pleasure in putting me on a pedestal and then knocking me down. I was the reason for all her problems and her unhappiness. Last May I finally had enough. I had been in therapy for about a year and I was getting stronger and stronger. As I got stronger she got.more desperate. Finally I said enough. When we first went our separate ways it was excruciating. The hurt anxiety and depression were great. There were plenty of times I didn't think I could do it. It was like coming off drugs. But you have got to take it moment by moment day by day. It took me about two or three months to get the constant thought of her out of my mind. But reaching out to friends and starting to do things you stopped doing again helps. I stepped backwards many times but I cut myself slack on those days and some days I just cried. It does get easier. My ex and I talk and are trying to work it out but what is different this time is I am not the same person. I am healthy and happy. And I will never go back to that same place and she knows it. Hang in there. It gets better.

[BlackKnitLace]

Hey BlackKnitLace

I have been through a similar experience. My ex and I were together for over four years. When I met her I was sure I found my soul mate. Those four years were the greatest and the worst of my life. There were more bad times then good. The verbal and emotional abusive was extensive and she took great.pleasure in putting me on a pedestal and then knocking me down. I was the reason for all her problems and her unhappiness. Last May I finally had enough. I had been in therapy for about a year and I was getting stronger and stronger. As I got stronger she got.more desperate. Finally I said enough. When we first went our separate ways it was excruciating. The hurt anxiety and depression were great. There were plenty of times I didn't think I could do it. It was like coming off drugs. But you have got to take it moment by moment day by day. It took me about two or three months to get the constant thought of her out of my mind. But reaching out to friends and starting to do things you stopped doing again helps. I stepped backwards many times but I cut myself slack on those days and some days I just cried. It does get easier. My ex and I talk and are trying to work it out but what is different this time is I am not the same person. I am healthy and happy. And I will never go back to that same place and she knows it. Hang in there. It gets better.

That really does sound so much like what I'm going through. I was sure I had found my soul mate too. The good times were incredibly wonderful, but, like you said, the bad times outnumbered them.

When did you and your ex start talking and trying to work things out? I'm keeping minimal contact with mine right now, just talking to her about things we have to talk about. I'd like to still be able to talk to her and be friends with her, if nothing else, but I don't know when we can start really talking again.

[willtimeheal]

I don't believe you can really be friends with your ex BPD. There was a thread on here a while ago about that and opinions varied. I can't be friends with mine. It is all or nothing especially after what we have been through. If we don't work out as a couple then we won't be friends. The reasons we broke up in the past had to do with trust honesty and mutual respect. I feel if we don't make it this time it will be due to the same reasons and I don't need friends that I don't trust or respect. And who don't respect me. I feel that if I allow her to be my friend then it is like telling her that all the past abuse is ok and it isn't.  I don't know  if that makes sense but that is how I feel. Hang in there. It take  time and deep down you know the correct decisions. Trust yourself.

[babyducks]

  BKL.

Sorry to hear what you are going through.   I know how tough it is to go from the heights of the most electrifying love to the despair of watching dreams crumble.  We all here understand.    Actually its kind of amazing how similar our stories are.

People who have the traits of BPD have some very disordered patterns of thinking.  In many ways its like they are frozen in a more childhood state of processing information.   Bills, jobs, responsibilities, obligations all create fear and tremendous insecurity.   As others have said please don't blame yourself.   Don't take responsibility for something that wasn't yours to shoulder.

Nine days post break up is not a long time and it sounds like you still have living arrangements to untangle.   Can I ask how you feel about being in contact with her?  Have you thought about what you would like your future to look like?  If she contacts you and attempts to recycle what conditions would you need to establish to protect yourself and your heart?

Loving some one with this disorder is very difficult.  Its also a huge learning experience.  Make sure you pour energy into taking care of yourself.   This is tough stuff.   Concentrate on eating, sleeping and getting some exercise.   

Keep posting here.

babyducks