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Author Topic: External influences on someone with borderline in your relationship  (Read 1332 times)
Reg
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« on: October 04, 2013, 04:25:27 AM »

Hi,

I was wondering how many of us have experienced the same problem ?

Due to the mirroring behavior, lack of personality in someone with borderline, I've ran in several problems with my relationship with my former partner.

I've been talking about parotting in the past, my ex taking over the lines/ideas from others due to not having any opinion on the matter of her own.  This could change like the wind.

Some of the people around her had some very serious issues themselves.  And I was, next to her Mom, the only one who was really trying to give her support.  Of course the more my ex got involved with other known borderlines the worse it got.  However, if we step away from other borderlines in our borderlines their lives, how many had to deal with similar problems ?

Thanks !

Reg
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happylogist
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« Reply #1 on: October 04, 2013, 05:24:06 AM »

I think I experienced something like this, but I haven't met that person, so I don't know whether he had anything.  But there was a clear parotting... . 

After my uBPDex moved to another country, he told about me to a friend of his and showed my picture in FB.  That friend was regularly cheating on his partner with prostitutes and was not happy when she got pregnant. So basically he was not in the best state of his mind when my uBPDex decided to talk about me, especially after visiting "a massage parlor" together... .   He showed him my picture in FB and his friend told him that I look a flirty type, the one who had just a fling with him.   After that talk my ex's attitude complete changed towards me, he started sexting me and matter-of-factly dropped a line about his talk and my new label. I was very much offended by their "diagnosis" based on my picture in my FB profile (it was just a portrait of my face where I half-smile, no body, nothing else) and more so about my ex's opinion about me. 

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Reg
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« Reply #2 on: October 04, 2013, 05:50:23 AM »

Hi happylogist,

Thanks for your reaction, that is exactly one of the things I mean !
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Reg
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« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2013, 11:36:43 AM »

Nobody else who had similar experiences ?
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peas
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« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2013, 12:54:18 PM »

My uBPDexbf paid more attention to the "advice" of his close guy friends than to my words and actions trying to keep the r/s going. 

He told me his friends and family thought I was a "distraction." He started to believe them. He and I had a long distance r/s and I think he would complain about missing me to them and they would just tell him to let me go. I don't think they understood how serious he was about me. Also, my ex is an alcoholic and he stopped drinking for a while, saying he did it for me (even though I didn't ask him to), and his friends mocked him because he "stopped drinking for a chick."

I think he let his close network of friends influence him enough to get it in his head that he shouldn't be with me. He resented me for the LDR and I think his friends said it wasn't worth it.
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2013, 01:19:19 PM »

Yes.

This is what my exUBPDgf surrounded herself with... .

The enabling sycophantic friends... .

The enabling UBPD(possible) mother(an awful person)... .

The enabling a$$hole family members.

The enabling friends... .

I got to know a few of her "close" friends... .

Including her BFF.

They all knew she left me twice.

What she told these people both times... .

I do not know.

I do know... .

However... .

That none of them reached out to me... .

And said... .

Ironmanfalls... .

"I know you treated her really good... ."... .

Nothing was said to me.

That hurt me.

When she was posting her... .

Snide remarks at the relationship, at me... .

On facebook and Instagram... .

Both times... .

Those same friends of hers... .

All liked those statuses/pics.

Gee thanks.

Her mother... .

Whom she had painted black... .

When she came back to me the second time... .

Saw a picture of me on facebook... .

And told her... .

"Ironmanfalls looks gay in the pic... .My gay friend saw the pic too... .And confirmed it too... ."

She hated me for no reason... .

And i had never interacted with her in any way.

That was the day she was triggered.

Her mother started getting painted white... .

While my hell commenced... .

Again.

Her mother kept telling her... .

"If Ironmanfalls comes to such and such family function... .

I will not attend... ."

She kept telling her that.

I had done nothing to this woman.

So to keep the peace... .

I had to withdraw myself from attending her younger sons communion... .

Thanks to her mother.

This was used against me later on by my ex.

Her mother kept chirping things... .

Into her ears... .

Which further progressed the devaluation for me.

I f¥cking hate her mother.

I never did anything to her.

Her a$$hole family members... .

She had this cousin... .

Who was very close to her.

I never got to meet her or interact with her.

In round 2... .

This very cousin... .

Who had a questionable bf(not a model citizen)... .

Tells my ex... .

"Why are you in a long distance relationship with Ironmanfalls... .

You should find someone  closer to you... ."

Mind you... .

I was the one traveling 4+ hours to go see her every week... .

And this person is telling her as if she is the one doing the traveling?

When she told me this... .

I was like... .":)o you hear what you just said to me... .?"

She remained silent.

In devaluation... .

She spent a lot more time around that very cousin.

Who gave her such sound advice.

I hate her too.

I didnt do anything to her.

In devaluation... .

All her attention... .

Was shifted to all these people i mention above.

It gets me so angry remembering all of this.
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DragoN
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« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2013, 01:36:49 PM »

Excerpt
I've been talking about parotting in the past, my ex taking over the lines/ideas from others due to not having any opinion on the matter of her own.  This could change like the wind.

This I know now is a form of mirroring. In the beginning, I had no idea.
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mitchell16
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« Reply #7 on: October 05, 2013, 03:54:59 PM »

yws my ex modeled everyone. She modeled my beliefs in the beginning. But that all changed as it went on. Everytime sh emet someone new that she admired she cloned them. From how the dress to how the act and talk. and their goals become hers.

Ironmanfalls. are yor sur eyour ex mother said that or if her friend even said that. Mine used to use her best friends, sister, son, a lady at her office. It onloy tsopped when I threaten to confront these people for talking about me behind my back. once i started telling her that it stopped or she woudl retract it. In other words she made it up. She used them to make me feel bad or also to confirm her side of things. It always made me the outsider, becasue I never had anyone to take my side. BUt when I thought about none of her people could either because they were never around when certain incidents happened. So if the did agtree with her It was just from her version and in my opion that made them idiots. BUt I dont think any of them said anything I think she made it up. like i sai once I started talking about confirming it and confronting these peope she stopped saying it. Just something to think about.
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2013, 04:04:14 PM »

yws my ex modeled everyone. She modeled my beliefs in the beginning. But that all changed as it went on. Everytime sh emet someone new that she admired she cloned them. From how the dress to how the act and talk. and their goals become hers.

Ironmanfalls. are yor sur eyour ex mother said that or if her friend even said that. Mine used to use her best friends, sister, son, a lady at her office. It onloy tsopped when I threaten to confront these people for talking about me behind my back. once i started telling her that it stopped or she woudl retract it. In other words she made it up. She used them to make me feel bad or also to confirm her side of things. It always made me the outsider, becasue I never had anyone to take my side. BUt when I thought about none of her people could either because they were never around when certain incidents happened. So if the did agtree with her It was just from her version and in my opion that made them idiots. BUt I dont think any of them said anything I think she made it up. like i sai once I started talking about confirming it and confronting these peope she stopped saying it. Just something to think about.

In bold.

Mitchell... .

Good question... .

To be honest... .

I never really thought about that.

My ex... .

The way she would tell me these things... .

Especially what she was saying her mother said(if it was true)... .

Was believable... .

I had to assume it was... .

I never got to interact with her or that cousin that said that about me... .

That question you pose... .

Makes me think... .

If it was true... .

What a f¥cking nightmare.

There was no real way if me actually knowing if that was true... .

I couldnt actually confront these people... .

Without my ex being there.

Very good question Mitchell.

The possible answer to that... .

Scares me now.
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mango_flower
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« Reply #9 on: October 05, 2013, 04:06:11 PM »

I'm not 100% sure I understood the question  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

But I'm going to answer it in the way I understood it... .

When I first met BPD ex, she was mirroring me, so I guess things were perfect!  When she started mirroring her new "cool" work friends at her new job (a group of power lesbians) she changed so much I felt like I didn't know her anymore.

Silly example - she HATED Iphones. HATED them and said she'd never get one.  Then came home with an Iphone cos all the girls at her work had got one.  Silly things like that.

It made me really unsettled when she changed so much in such a short space of time.
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Jbt857
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« Reply #10 on: October 05, 2013, 05:40:48 PM »

My BPDexh isn't from my country. He used to deliberately not associate with people from his own country because in his words "most of them are thieves and liars."

Towards the end of our marriage, he started hanging out with them and became just like them. I'm a member of an all female group of women married to guys from that country, and I'm not overstating, but in the last 10 years about 90% of our marriages have ended once our guys started hanging out with the guys from their country. He was quoting me on what was and wasn't okay, based on opinions gleaned from his unemployed professional thief and drug dealer mate, who cheated on his wife regularly, like that guy was god.
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mitchell16
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« Reply #11 on: October 05, 2013, 07:20:31 PM »

Ironmanfalls, I only say that because I went down that road with mine for teh first year and she used it to beat me down, mentally. It was only after I started thinking about that it dindt make sense. None of thsi people were ever present whne we argued, none of thsi people werever around when I so called controlled her or was to jealous. Or teh countless other things I was accused of . Once i started to think about it, I said how could that say that stuff. Only if the was believe her version which could have been what they did. Or she was making it up the further make me feel bad. Whenever she wanted to accuse me of stuff it was always a thrid person who did the accusing, she was according to her trying to defend me. But these other people were saying all this stuff.

example. once when i left her house after one of her out of control drunken raging sessions. She said her bets friend told her that I just wanst in love with her anymore. I was like, what is she basing that on. Of course she couldnt explain. Another time she we went to party and at her cousins house. we had a good time. It was teh first time Ihad ever been there. At the end of the night the told me how fun that ahd with me and I was welcome at there hosue any time with or without her. a few weeks later she wante dto go vistit but didnt want me to go. i aske dher why. She said they didnt like me. said that I had offended them with something I had did the last time I was there. when i told her i was going to call her cousin and straighten it out. She started back pedalling and saying i would just emabrras her. and she decided she wasnt going to go.

But like I said. I started telling her I was going to confront these people, even if I had to drive to another state it stopped. or she would back off about saying it.

they are the best liars.
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #12 on: October 05, 2013, 07:38:19 PM »

Mitchell,

Now that you made me view it from that angle... .

I never did meet her mother... .

Or her cousin... .

Who had "said" those things about me.

If she had made that up... .

So that she could use them against me... .

When devaluation came... .

Manipulation well played.

Because I honestly never considered that.

I just wondered why they were saying that stuff about me... .

Such a mind warp... .

All of this.

And for what... .?

So her self fulfilling prophecy of her disorder... .

Could play out exactly.

The fact that yours back pedaled... .

When you confronted her about it... .

Is telling.
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #13 on: October 05, 2013, 07:38:58 PM »

Mitchell,

Now that you made me view it from that angle... .

I never did meet her mother... .

Or her cousin... .

Who had "said" those things about me.

If she had made that up... .

So that she could use them against me... .

When devaluation came... .

Manipulation well played.

Because I honestly never considered that.

I just wondered why they were saying that stuff about me... .

Such a mind warp... .

All of this.

And for what... .?

So her self fulfilling prophecy of her disorder... .

Could play out exactly.

The fact that yours back pedaled... .

When you confronted her about it... .

Is telling.

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DragoN
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« Reply #14 on: October 05, 2013, 10:59:42 PM »

Excerpt
I started telling her I was going to confront these people, even if I had to drive to another state it stopped. or she would back off about saying it.



they are the best liars.

That happened to me countless times along with the accusations, till I called him on it. Like yourself... it stopped. *Miracle of Miracles*

They know they are lying or whatever it is they are doing, but it really is so stupid and disgusting that they don't see it and expect than we are dumb enough to continue to believe them.

Disgusting disorder.
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