What's Next and How Do I Prepare?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi.  :'(

I'm exhausted. So very mentally drained. I see I'm in the right place for help. YAY!

My current status: I just "broke up" with my Mom this morning and I'm scared as hell about the repercussions. I do know that in the end I'll be just fine. But I'm soo overly stressed right now. It’s time I fix that.

My family structure and role: I'm the oldest of 5 and almost 41. My Dad was a combat medic in the Army for 10 years and then got into small town hospital administration. He was an alcoholic who cheated on my Mom a lot. My Mom is an undiagnosed BPD, diagnosed dysthymic, full-time Mom with side jobs like Avon and MaryKay. None of this I knew until the age of 19 when they divorced (with exception to the obvious of course). All I knew at that time was how mentally messed up I was and I couldn't wait to get away from my crazy family. After the divorce my Mom became a professional college student and is now 1 paper away from her masters degree and has given up on writing it. Or paying for her student loans.

I was raised Catholic under Vatican I (masterbating, birth control, et al. was a sin. If you thought about it, it was a sin... .) I was raised in a very strict and rigid home with no lovey dovey stuff from Mom and Dad as a heavy handed ball buster but often a lot of fun to play with until his competitiveness kicked in.

The next child after me is the matriarch in our family. She is 2 years younger than me. She plays the role of Mom and I've always played the role of Dad for our 3 younger siblings. So it's me, #2Girl is 2 years younger, #3Boy is 7 years younger than 2Girl. One year later #4Boy was born and 1 year later #Girl5 was born. So there's 12 years between me and the youngest and a total of 3 girls and 2 boys. 3Boy and I share similar roles as "the oldest" but with very different upbringings even though we share the same parents.

2Girl and I have done an amazing job (I think) at raising the three younger ones. And they have all done amazingly well on developing into the people they are today where 2Girl and I couldn't help teach them. I am very proud of me and my siblings and love them with all my heart! For some reason I don't understand, it has only been me that experiences the brunt of my Mom's BPD traits. My siblings see it the same way but with a caveat that I don't relate to. My Mom attacks me the most with her insanity. We all agree to that. I've never understood why. My siblings on the other hand say it's because Mom and I are too much alike. I have fought that painful statement all my life.

Now after several years of psychotherapy, being diagnosed Bi-polar, ADHD and BPD traits myself, I can see why my family says Mom and I are a lot a like, however I think I understand it on a much deeper level than they do. They are all still stuck in coddling Mom because of their unrealized co-dependancy. I am proud as hell to say that I am none of those... .at least not anymore, with exception to being co-dependant. I constantly battle that but work hard at staying self-aware. Dad is only in the picture with a rare phone call and just long enough to lecture me of how I could be better. Dad remarried and his wife’s family became his family more than his own kids are his family. Her grown kids are quite successful (pharmacist, professional massage therapist for things like the Olympics and a doctor). As 3Boy put it to me, “Dad bases his love on success. If you’re not accomplished, you won’t see his love for you.” 3Boy just made Chief in the Navy and he’s 29. He now outranks our father. So he’s the only one of us that has a good relationship with Dad.

At the age of 38 I finally made myself 100% accountable for all that my life is. I revamped my diet to organic using The Paleo Solution as my guide and I am now physically healthy FINALLY and off of every single drug I was prescribed including my Synthroid. I continued my search of self and for the first time in my life I am so happy with my life and the person I have become. I've even attracted the man of my dreams and then some and for the first time in my life I will marry and maybe start a family. My life is amazing and I have decided I am going to protect that as best I can! I'm done sacrificing my own sanity, my own health, my own finances, my own love life for my very mentally sick mother and all those project boyfriends / friends I picked up along the way. I'm passed the anger (for now) and feel so sad for my Mom. Sad for me and for my family too. So very sad because I think I am going to find myself all alone in this boat for a while, regarding my siblings. At least I hope it’s for no more than a little while. I love them with all my heart.

Current Scenario: My 63 year old mother has dug herself into a rabbit hole. While I have compassion for her undiagnosed illness(s), I strongly believe she has a choice in all that but continues to choose the track she's on because it's easier and martyrs her. She's been single for 21 years and has never wanted to date. My father is the only intimacy she has ever known. My mother used to be a very beautiful woman. After the divorce it's like she gave up on herself and that's when her BPD traits began appearing like neon signs. I was also 19 then so maybe being away for college and coming home for summer made it more obvious. Or both.

Today my Mom is laid up at a Senior Care facility recovering from full hip replacement surgery. She has had no job and no insurance for 2? years now. Her source of income has been unemployment. I don’t get how she pulls that off but whatever. Last May I kicked her out of my house because I allowed her to bankrupt me and put my house into foreclosure. Through her guilt trips and broken promises I took on the role of financially supporting her for a year. She has managed to find herself a rental in a 55+ community not far from my house. Her surgery was done at the state hospital. When the day came that she was to be discharged she was listed as "home is unsafe to return to" so then she qualified for additional 30 days medical assistance at a state Senior Care facility. To date, Mom is still using her stay as a vacation. She is so far behind the mark of where she should be that when she is discharged (in 12 days) she will need 24/7 home care. I have talked to the physical therapists, the nurses, the doctor, and the two social workers. All of them saying the same thing... .Mom lacks motivation... .it's her life and it's her that needs to live with her choices, not me... .You (I) can't save her. One of the social workers even said she sees strong BPD traits and was very caring towards me. Thank god because I needed the validation by that point.

I asked both social workers what her options will be should she find herself evicted and no job. Her only option... .a homeless shelter. (hanging head low) I am the only family member in the area. 3Boy lives two hours away and is married with a newborn and a 3 year old. That protects him. 2Girl (our matriarch) lives 3 hours away and recently married, no kids. She is listed as Mom’s primary contact and has taken the brunt of caring for Mom during this time. We were sharing that role until Mom asked for the State Hospital’s security to be called on me and have me removed from the premise all because the day before I asked her if she was getting depressed. She says it’s because I was just going to analyze her while I watched her with the physical therapist. She asked me to leave her room and I told her “No Mom, I want to witness your successes and I also need to learn since I am the only one you’ve got in town.” 2Girl is the first most co-dependant sibling among us and so she and I have huge arguments about Mom. Which kills me because for the last 8 years she has been my rock. I hate fighting with her because I love and respect her so much!

4Boy is single and joined the military right out of high school. (Way to go kiddo! Smart move bro.) 5Girl is married, no kids and just recently moved to the other side of the country. THANK GOODNESS! She’s the second most co-dependant one with Mom. Both she and 2Girl have and will continue to feed our Mom money to keep her afloat. Sadly against the firm instruction “not to” by their husband. 2Girl has been back home for the last two weeks so I’ve been caring for Mom. Which has mentally exhausted me. This past week I re-reviewed various subjects relating to BPD mother’s and came to the conclusion last night that I have to put distance between myself and Mom for the sake of my own life. If I don’t now, family history projects that I will experience continued sabotage by my mother and I finally have true happiness in my life... .real true happiness for the first time ever. I have to protect that.

The break up: So I went to visit my Mom this morning at the care facility. We spent a good 1.5 hours together of civil chat and peaceful communications. The whole time knowing I had to have this conversation with her. A great segway appeared and I took it... .scared as hell too. My approach was genuine compassion for us both, deep hurt for us both, no sugar coating but very gentle. I kept my side of the conversation focused on my feelings, my thoughts, my fears, and what I needed to do for me. I reiterated to her that I will not try to control her life as it is hers to do with it what she wants and it is not my place otherwise. I told her I don’t want to sever ties completely but I do need to put a lot of distance between us and this is why... .

I explained to her that I have the realization that when I was diagnosed with BPD traits that I can now see why. And the thing of it is, it is learned behavior. I told her that 4 out of my 6 therapists have all said they see strong BPD traits in my Mom however they cannot diagnose her without spending time with her. I didn’t tell her that the one state social worker she’s been working with said the same thing. I was shocked that she didn’t start berating and demeaning me at that point as tantrums are common with her. I’m still shocked. Anyway, I continued to explain what I’ve learned about the mental illness and considering my relationship with her, from a logical point of view, the best thing for both of us is to stay away from each other. I told her it’s not because I don’t care or I don’t love her... .it’s actually quite the opposite. Because I love and care for both of us so much, it is extremely difficult and painful for me to have this conversation with her. I expressed how scared I am of the repercussions but that I feel so strongly that this is the right answer for both of us that I’m going through with it regardless of my fears. I admitted to her that I have been judging her progress and while we both see it extremely opposite that I am pulling way back on what my level of help will be going forward. I reiterated the knowledge with her that 2Girl will be up to help with her discharge and will stay for a week. By then she should be plenty self sufficient and should only need help with things like grocery shopping which I’m willing to do. But I am not going to do her laundry, bath her, help her walk around. Those are things she should be able to do on her own by the time 2Girl returns home.

To my pleasant surprise, and for once in, I can’t remember how long, Mom agreed with me. The parts of the conversation we quietly disagreed on remained unsaid. We both knew it would only lead to the usual ridiculous fights with neither of us bugging on our perspective of things. I was also relieved to see that Mom shared the same tears of sadness I did and for once I felt loved by her. I think this was our first mature conversation I’ve ever had with her. My emotions are off the charts split between extreme sadness and an extremely happy hope that I will have a continued happy life, free from the insanity and with a focus that I never allow myself to get complaisant and follow in her footsteps.

I have no intentions of advertising this to my family. Mom will take care of that for me I’m sure. I have no idea how she will go about that so I am doing my best at letting go and accepting whatever may come with love and compassion and the knowledge that one day they too will understand. But I am scared and I search for “heads up” information.

I’m the type of person that I base my level of risk taking on worse case scenario. If I can accept worse case, then I tend to take the risk. If I can’t, I don’t. I’ve accepted worse case scenario in this case, that being Mom living in a homeless shelter and my family turning their back on me like I caused it or I’m bad because I won’t help them help her kinda thing. Now my issue is, how will I handle things if that happens. I need to work that out in my head so that I can have a game plan laid that hopefully never needs to be used but by having one will give me the peace of mind I can stay strong.

Anyone have insight to what’s next? What resources are out there for me when the poo hits the fan? How long might I lose my siblings? All hypothetical and based on others’ experiences of course which may/may not be like mine. At this point though I have zero concept of any of that. I don’t know anyone around me that can relate. I have considered going back to therapy and I still may but you are my first stop. Knowledge is power and I could really use support from people in similar boats. I’m pretty alone on this one in the real world.

Thanks for listening.

Sincerely,

DragonflyGinger

[DragonflyGinger]

Hi.  :'(

I'm exhausted. So very mentally drained. I see I'm in the right place for help. YAY!

My current status: I just "broke up" with my Mom this morning and I'm scared as hell about the repercussions. I do know that in the end I'll be just fine. But I'm soo overly stressed right now. It’s time I fix that.

My family structure and role: I'm the oldest of 5 and almost 41. My Dad was a combat medic in the Army for 10 years and then got into small town hospital administration. He was an alcoholic who cheated on my Mom a lot. My Mom is an undiagnosed BPD, diagnosed dysthymic, full-time Mom with side jobs like Avon and MaryKay. None of this I knew until the age of 19 when they divorced (with exception to the obvious of course). All I knew at that time was how mentally messed up I was and I couldn't wait to get away from my crazy family. After the divorce my Mom became a professional college student and is now 1 paper away from her masters degree and has given up on writing it. Or paying for her student loans.

I was raised Catholic under Vatican I (masterbating, birth control, et al. was a sin. If you thought about it, it was a sin... .) I was raised in a very strict and rigid home with no lovey dovey stuff from Mom and Dad as a heavy handed ball buster but often a lot of fun to play with until his competitiveness kicked in.

The next child after me is the matriarch in our family. She is 2 years younger than me. She plays the role of Mom and I've always played the role of Dad for our 3 younger siblings. So it's me, #2Girl is 2 years younger, #3Boy is 7 years younger than 2Girl. One year later #4Boy was born and 1 year later #Girl5 was born. So there's 12 years between me and the youngest and a total of 3 girls and 2 boys. 3Boy and I share similar roles as "the oldest" but with very different upbringings even though we share the same parents.

2Girl and I have done an amazing job (I think) at raising the three younger ones. And they have all done amazingly well on developing into the people they are today where 2Girl and I couldn't help teach them. I am very proud of me and my siblings and love them with all my heart! For some reason I don't understand, it has only been me that experiences the brunt of my Mom's BPD traits. My siblings see it the same way but with a caveat that I don't relate to. My Mom attacks me the most with her insanity. We all agree to that. I've never understood why. My siblings on the other hand say it's because Mom and I are too much alike. I have fought that painful statement all my life.

Now after several years of psychotherapy, being diagnosed Bi-polar, ADHD and BPD traits myself, I can see why my family says Mom and I are a lot a like, however I think I understand it on a much deeper level than they do. They are all still stuck in coddling Mom because of their unrealized co-dependancy. I am proud as hell to say that I am none of those... .at least not anymore, with exception to being co-dependant. I constantly battle that but work hard at staying self-aware. Dad is only in the picture with a rare phone call and just long enough to lecture me of how I could be better. Dad remarried and his wife’s family became his family more than his own kids are his family. Her grown kids are quite successful (pharmacist, professional massage therapist for things like the Olympics and a doctor). As 3Boy put it to me, “Dad bases his love on success. If you’re not accomplished, you won’t see his love for you.” 3Boy just made Chief in the Navy and he’s 29. He now outranks our father. So he’s the only one of us that has a good relationship with Dad.

At the age of 38 I finally made myself 100% accountable for all that my life is. I revamped my diet to organic using The Paleo Solution as my guide and I am now physically healthy FINALLY and off of every single drug I was prescribed including my Synthroid. I continued my search of self and for the first time in my life I am so happy with my life and the person I have become. I've even attracted the man of my dreams and then some and for the first time in my life I will marry and maybe start a family. My life is amazing and I have decided I am going to protect that as best I can! I'm done sacrificing my own sanity, my own health, my own finances, my own love life for my very mentally sick mother and all those project boyfriends / friends I picked up along the way. I'm passed the anger (for now) and feel so sad for my Mom. Sad for me and for my family too. So very sad because I think I am going to find myself all alone in this boat for a while, regarding my siblings. At least I hope it’s for no more than a little while. I love them with all my heart.

Current Scenario: My 63 year old mother has dug herself into a rabbit hole. While I have compassion for her undiagnosed illness(s), I strongly believe she has a choice in all that but continues to choose the track she's on because it's easier and martyrs her. She's been single for 21 years and has never wanted to date. My father is the only intimacy she has ever known. My mother used to be a very beautiful woman. After the divorce it's like she gave up on herself and that's when her BPD traits began appearing like neon signs. I was also 19 then so maybe being away for college and coming home for summer made it more obvious. Or both.

Today my Mom is laid up at a Senior Care facility recovering from full hip replacement surgery. She has had no job and no insurance for 2? years now. Her source of income has been unemployment. I don’t get how she pulls that off but whatever. Last May I kicked her out of my house because I allowed her to bankrupt me and put my house into foreclosure. Through her guilt trips and broken promises I took on the role of financially supporting her for a year. She has managed to find herself a rental in a 55+ community not far from my house. Her surgery was done at the state hospital. When the day came that she was to be discharged she was listed as "home is unsafe to return to" so then she qualified for additional 30 days medical assistance at a state Senior Care facility. To date, Mom is still using her stay as a vacation. She is so far behind the mark of where she should be that when she is discharged (in 12 days) she will need 24/7 home care. I have talked to the physical therapists, the nurses, the doctor, and the two social workers. All of them saying the same thing... .Mom lacks motivation... .it's her life and it's her that needs to live with her choices, not me... .You (I) can't save her. One of the social workers even said she sees strong BPD traits and was very caring towards me. Thank god because I needed the validation by that point.

I asked both social workers what her options will be should she find herself evicted and no job. Her only option... .a homeless shelter. (hanging head low) I am the only family member in the area. 3Boy lives two hours away and is married with a newborn and a 3 year old. That protects him. 2Girl (our matriarch) lives 3 hours away and recently married, no kids. She is listed as Mom’s primary contact and has taken the brunt of caring for Mom during this time. We were sharing that role until Mom asked for the State Hospital’s security to be called on me and have me removed from the premise all because the day before I asked her if she was getting depressed. She says it’s because I was just going to analyze her while I watched her with the physical therapist. She asked me to leave her room and I told her “No Mom, I want to witness your successes and I also need to learn since I am the only one you’ve got in town.” 2Girl is the first most co-dependant sibling among us and so she and I have huge arguments about Mom. Which kills me because for the last 8 years she has been my rock. I hate fighting with her because I love and respect her so much!

4Boy is single and joined the military right out of high school. (Way to go kiddo! Smart move bro.) 5Girl is married, no kids and just recently moved to the other side of the country. THANK GOODNESS! She’s the second most co-dependant one with Mom. Both she and 2Girl have and will continue to feed our Mom money to keep her afloat. Sadly against the firm instruction “not to” by their husband. 2Girl has been back home for the last two weeks so I’ve been caring for Mom. Which has mentally exhausted me. This past week I re-reviewed various subjects relating to BPD mother’s and came to the conclusion last night that I have to put distance between myself and Mom for the sake of my own life. If I don’t now, family history projects that I will experience continued sabotage by my mother and I finally have true happiness in my life... .real true happiness for the first time ever. I have to protect that.

The break up: So I went to visit my Mom this morning at the care facility. We spent a good 1.5 hours together of civil chat and peaceful communications. The whole time knowing I had to have this conversation with her. A great segway appeared and I took it... .scared as hell too. My approach was genuine compassion for us both, deep hurt for us both, no sugar coating but very gentle. I kept my side of the conversation focused on my feelings, my thoughts, my fears, and what I needed to do for me. I reiterated to her that I will not try to control her life as it is hers to do with it what she wants and it is not my place otherwise. I told her I don’t want to sever ties completely but I do need to put a lot of distance between us and this is why... .

I explained to her that I have the realization that when I was diagnosed with BPD traits that I can now see why. And the thing of it is, it is learned behavior. I told her that 4 out of my 6 therapists have all said they see strong BPD traits in my Mom however they cannot diagnose her without spending time with her. I didn’t tell her that the one state social worker she’s been working with said the same thing. I was shocked that she didn’t start berating and demeaning me at that point as tantrums are common with her. I’m still shocked. Anyway, I continued to explain what I’ve learned about the mental illness and considering my relationship with her, from a logical point of view, the best thing for both of us is to stay away from each other. I told her it’s not because I don’t care or I don’t love her... .it’s actually quite the opposite. Because I love and care for both of us so much, it is extremely difficult and painful for me to have this conversation with her. I expressed how scared I am of the repercussions but that I feel so strongly that this is the right answer for both of us that I’m going through with it regardless of my fears. I admitted to her that I have been judging her progress and while we both see it extremely opposite that I am pulling way back on what my level of help will be going forward. I reiterated the knowledge with her that 2Girl will be up to help with her discharge and will stay for a week. By then she should be plenty self sufficient and should only need help with things like grocery shopping which I’m willing to do. But I am not going to do her laundry, bath her, help her walk around. Those are things she should be able to do on her own by the time 2Girl returns home.

To my pleasant surprise, and for once in, I can’t remember how long, Mom agreed with me. The parts of the conversation we quietly disagreed on remained unsaid. We both knew it would only lead to the usual ridiculous fights with neither of us bugging on our perspective of things. I was also relieved to see that Mom shared the same tears of sadness I did and for once I felt loved by her. I think this was our first mature conversation I’ve ever had with her. My emotions are off the charts split between extreme sadness and an extremely happy hope that I will have a continued happy life, free from the insanity and with a focus that I never allow myself to get complaisant and follow in her footsteps.

I have no intentions of advertising this to my family. Mom will take care of that for me I’m sure. I have no idea how she will go about that so I am doing my best at letting go and accepting whatever may come with love and compassion and the knowledge that one day they too will understand. But I am scared and I search for “heads up” information.

I’m the type of person that I base my level of risk taking on worse case scenario. If I can accept worse case, then I tend to take the risk. If I can’t, I don’t. I’ve accepted worse case scenario in this case, that being Mom living in a homeless shelter and my family turning their back on me like I caused it or I’m bad because I won’t help them help her kinda thing. Now my issue is, how will I handle things if that happens. I need to work that out in my head so that I can have a game plan laid that hopefully never needs to be used but by having one will give me the peace of mind I can stay strong.

Anyone have insight to what’s next? What resources are out there for me when the poo hits the fan? How long might I lose my siblings? All hypothetical and based on others’ experiences of course which may/may not be like mine. At this point though I have zero concept of any of that. I don’t know anyone around me that can relate. I have considered going back to therapy and I still may but you are my first stop. Knowledge is power and I could really use support from people in similar boats. I’m pretty alone on this one in the real world.

Thanks for listening.

Sincerely,

DragonflyGinger

[DragonflyGinger]

Feeling kinda down that I have no feedback yet. Is my situation too sticky that no one wants to touch it? It's ok. I have thick skin. If there's one thing I've learned to be in my family dynamics it's a tough chica. I'm a very loving and compassionate person with a very broken road but it's that road that paved the way to the person I love today. I welcome all comments, especially the ones that may hurt. As long as it's not mean, I'm begging for a realistic picture of the truth (perceived or otherwise). The truth often hurts in these situations but I'm a big girl now and can handle it. Please don't be shy to respond. I could really use the feedback.

Thanks. 

[Montana]

Welcome to the group.  It looks like you have made your decision.  You have made a plan set up boundaries,  and set limitations.  Unfortunately none of your siblings will ever know what your going through.  They shouldn't be mad at you if she ends up in a homeless shelter(doesn't mean they won't). They can step up anytime and help her, kids or no kids.  I have seen this before. My aunt took care of my grandma, for 20 years. My grandma had 5 kids.  She only wanted her youngest to take care of her.  By the end of the 20 years my aunt had a break down.  My grandma got sent to a nursing home and died shortly After.  We had tough times after.  But at least my aunt didn't get blamed for it. She brought us all to her house And set us down. She explained she couldn't do it anymore. It was just to hard on her and she told us what she was going to do. My suggestion is have a family meeting.  Explain you can't be the caretaker anymore.  If you had your house foreclosed on, that's pretty major. You don't have to say anything about your mom. Just explain to them that emotionally you can't do it.  They will either understand or not. They can take on the responsibility with their mother too.  It doesn't have to fall on your and girl2 only. This is a entire family event. I'm not sure that this will help. But good luck. Seems like you have Thought it through and your doing a good job!

[lovespopcorns78]

Hi  well my heart goes out to you My mom untreated BP , good for you setting boundaries is the first step and telling her... .my mom in assisted living apt you can hire people from local grocery stores to shop and bring food to her every week its like $5 you can hire people to go over and help with her bath and clean the house  that is what we did my brothers and I even though they see a different mom than I do they dont tolerate her behavior I am more compassionate with her but have paid the price I was her bad child the boys were perfect so our relationship is different   i have not been able to see her for almost 2 years she is so mean to me I limit our talks to every 2 weeks on the phone sometimes more frequent she is so angry at me all the time, unless she wants money  ... .but know there are resources out there and your sibblings are also responsible remember your mom is a grown women and it his her decision to be in the situation she is in not your fault  good luck 

[Suzn]

Hello DragonflyGinger  and 

I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this with your mother.    We're glad you are here. Kuddos to you for setting boundaries with your mom, that's a scary thing to do. It's a healthy thing to do though we all get how hard this is. It takes practice to find the balance. Your courage and confidence will grow with that practice.

Going forward, there are many tools and lessons here that can help you with your siblings and with your mother.

Over to the right of your screen is the full list of lessons and the survivors guide to work through, we can help you with these as you go. The goal is to become a survivor and a thriver, you seem well on your way already. 

Will you be continuing to work with a therapist also? They add such insight into our lives, I know mine does.

[DragonflyGinger]

Thank you Montana and Lovespopcorns78.  

I am relieved to see that singling out one child seems to be common. I battle with myself constantly if I'm actually the problem or not. The upside to that is I have had to fight so hard against it that it's made me into a very logical thinker just so I can refuel my self esteem and validate my sanity. But the negative self talk still lingers. (Am I really the crazy one? If I'm not then why am I the only one who sees this insanity?) Those kind of emotions.

I really am scared to death of the near future. Once the word gets out to my family, I fear being persecuted with guilt trips and then my own mind wearing down to the point I break and just go along with what they tell me to do. I'm so exhausted with all the fighting and ridicule. I absolutely cannot let that happen so I feel like I'm sucking for air through a straw right now... .trying to seek insight into the future so I can prepare.

Maybe I... .no I do need to... .just breathe. (sigh)

But if anyone does have any hypotheticals for the future to my situation or even better ways I can prepare myself I am oh so grateful!  

Big thanks to the folks that developed this site and to it's members. I wish I had found this long ago.

[DragonflyGinger]

Susz! THANK YOU! I hadn't noticed those. I have been doing a lot of reading of other's stories and trying to learn how to navigate the sight. Hopping on reading through the Survivors Guide now. 

[DragonflyGinger]

Well sob!... .the repercussions have began. Just got a call from 2Girl, our matriarch and my rock of a sister. She called to discuss logistics of preparing for Mom's discharge. I asked her if Mom told her about our conversation yesterday and she said yes. I said ok and jumped back into the logistics part of the conversation. 2Girl then asked me if I knew why, (meaning the history of) Mom would tell her that our local priest (from when we were in high school almost 30 years ago), would tell Mom that I do everything in my power to undermine her and that he had grave concerns for the safety of my Mom. Mom couldn't provide any details because Father R wasn't at liberty to tell her but warned Mom to watch her back. My Mom said this to me last year and it was the first time I had ever heard anything about it. I gave it zero acknowledgment and simply walked away from her. Right now I am soo angry with her I want to scream! I told 2Girl I had to go and would call back later.

I was a straight A student in high school and super active in our church. I was a cheerleader, on varsity dance team, had a job, bought all my own stuff including school clothes and helped raised 3 little kids. My flip side was that I was a party girl. When I went to a party I drank to the point of passing out. I went through boyfriends like crazy because the minute they said "I love you" I dumped and ran. I watched my best friend give birth at the age of 16 and that kept me a virgin until I was 19. I can't imagine in a million years Father R saying that to my Mom but she says it so genuinely and lovingly as if she has laid a truth on me that she is ready to hold me in her arms and tell me it's ok... .I still love you. And I just CANNOT understand how any mother could knowingly tell such a hurtful lie, so genuinely, to their children... .or anyone for that matter. UGH!

I wanna pick up the phone and call my Dad right now and ask him. I won't though because something tells me that's not a good idea.

  :'(

[Suzn]

Right now I am soo angry with her I want to scream! I told 2Girl I had to go and would call back later.

Good for you! This is an excellent way to enforce a boundary. It's great that you are being responsible for your emotions here. It's responsible because you don't want to say something you'll regret in these situations. This gives you some time to step back, self sooth and cope with this anger. (or let's call it what it is... .could it be hurt?) How can you release this anger, what do you do to cope?

I wanna pick up the phone and call my Dad right now and ask him. I won't though because something tells me that's not a good idea.

Perfect example of a gut feeling. "Reacting" when you aren't really sure if what was said is truthful is a good show of self discipline. Calling your dad could be triangulating him into the mix. Look at the motivation for wanting to call your dad. Who can save you from these painful emotions right now? You.

Feel them all the way through. Go for a walk, or run, scream, cry, stamp your feet... By yourself. These emotions are yours. What are you gona do with them?

[DragonflyGinger]

Right now I'm balling my eyes out and talking to you. I don't know what to do. I do hurt. Really really bad. And when I hurt like this anger ensues. All the memories of the countless times she has hurt me like this come flooding back. So much to the point that I hate her and wish she didn't exist. Then I check myself and suddenly I start feeling like I'M the one exhibiting BPD traits because one minute I love her and the next I hate her. Then the negative talk hits. I am the crazy one. No I'm not. Really DragonflyGinder? You think you're not crazy? Just look at you right now.

Well, getting that out feels better. ha ha ha. I know I'm not the crazy one and this is what our BPD loved ones do to us. I need to take up boxing I think. Sure could use a punching bag about  now.

[Suzn]

Right now I'm balling my eyes out and talking to you. I don't know what to do. I do hurt. Really really bad.

Good.    You have shown a lot of courage Dragonfly. Reaching out, being vulnerable, experiencing your emotions is good! It's healthy! This is taking care of you. Crying is feeling and thank goodness you can and are! That's exactly what this group is for. We'll all get angry, cry together and find solutions and learn new skills. We're here for you.

And when I hurt like this anger ensues. All the memories of the countless times she has hurt me like this come flooding back. So much to the point that I hate her and wish she didn't exist.

Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning you feel something else first. It's generally hurt, sadness. When all the memories flood back that means you are triggered. Being able to identify when we are triggered helps us move straight to coping skills. (crying is a good one)

Then I check myself and suddenly I start feeling like I'M the one exhibiting BPD traits because one minute I love her and the next I hate her. Then the negative talk hits. I am the crazy one. No I'm not. Really DragonflyGinder? You think you're not crazy? Just look at you right now.

The negative voice is LYING to you. It's good you fight this voice. That little girl is still inside you, she is the one to protect and nurture. She is the negative voice, all the hurt she experienced. You, the adult you, are the caretaker of her emotions. You can sit down with her and cry together and hug her and let her know you will be in charge from this point forward. You will keep her safe.

Well, getting that out feels better. ha ha ha. I know I'm not the crazy one and this is what our BPD loved ones do to us. I need to take up boxing I think. Sure could use a punching bag about  now.

A punching bag is a GREAT idea! 

[DragonflyGinger]

Suzn... .you are my mental savior today! THANK YOU! I'm going to take a break from the computer now and do some house chores to burn off this negative energy. Thank you so much for your words today. I can't tell you how much you've helped me.

Btw, I LOVE the part about my adult self caring, nurturing, protecting my child within. You couldn't be more right and I've never thought about it like that. That's exactly what I need to remember is going on when I feel this way.

HUGE HUG!

[Suzn]

You're very welcome. 

I'm going to take a break from the computer now and do some house chores to burn off this negative energy.

Another great coping technique. 

[Century2012]

Suzn ... .you stated the best and most important advice so clearly and succinctly.

If we are mothering/nurturing a child. And that child is being hurt by someone else. Wouldn't we do everything in our power to keep that child away from the hurtful person? To forget the hurtful person?

Of course we would. We need to do that for ourselves.

[Suzn]

If we are mothering/nurturing a child. And that child is being hurt by someone else. Wouldn't we do everything in our power to keep that child away from the hurtful person? To forget the hurtful person? 

Not necessarily. That would depend on many things. We could simply "give up" and avoid or we could learn new ways to communicate and identify our boundaries. And further, how to enforce those boundaries to self persevere. A visual example would be to stand in front of this child to protect her while we handled a situation with a more adult, centered approach. All the while, we have an established relationship with our inner child, she trusts us to do what is best for her. (she knows we have an agreement, if things get too far out of hand... .we are outa there! Until such time we can re-approach with safety.)

We, as the adult, don't allow the inner child (our extreme emotion) to rule, or run, our life, we teach her to trust us and with that comes some discipline. Meaning we come from a more wise mind place, a balance of emotion, logic and good judgement.

[DragonflyGinger]

Suzn, can you tell me more about the inner child? As I mature will she go away or do we want to keep her? Here's a great example of where I feel very ignorant and I would say I have no idea what healthy is. Boundaries eluded me for 39 years. I never gave up trying to figure out the concept and then one day the light bulb went on. If I'm honest with myself, I'd say I've only been in the young adult phase for about 1 year. Maybe full on adult? I'm not sure. I can tell you that I've never felt so mature before. ha ha ha. So I'm hungry for knowledge. What is healthy?

[Suzn]

I believe our inner child will always be there, question is is she happy, feel loved and respected? Healthy is a process and building a relationship with your inner child is part of that.

"A child's life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark."

-- Robert A. Heinlein

I took this from one of the workshops here to help parents understand children with trauma, it works the same imho for growing a relationship with our inner child.

"No one needs prerequisite parenting skills to become a caregiver.  On the contrary many caregivers may not understand how the past contributes to their relationship with the child.  To earn the trust of children who have had their trust shattered many times in profound ways, adults must prove that change is possible by changing the way that they meet their child's needs. Many of us caregivers cannot deal with the situation of our children without first understanding the meaning we've found in our past, and present life experiences, and showing our changes to our children.  When we understand ourselves and build coping skills, we will have the energy and awareness to make the next step to guide our children through the same process."

What is healthy? Here is a list of 24 healthy characteristics that one can work towards.  

They feel good about themselves:

1. They are not overwhelmed by their own emotions - fears, anger, love, jealousy, guilt or worries.

2. They can take life’s disappointments in their stride.

3. They have a tolerant, easy-going attitude towards themselves as well as others and they can laugh at themselves.

4. They neither underestimate nor overestimate their abilities.

5. They can accept their own shortcomings.

6. They have self-respect.

7. They feel able to deal with most situations.

8. They can take pleasure in simple, everyday things.

They feel comfortable with other people:

9. They are able to give love and consider the interests of others.

10. They have personal relationships that are satisfying and lasting.

11. They like and trust others, and feel that others will like and trust them.

12. They respect the many differences they find in people.

13. They do not take advantage of others nor allow others to take advantage of them.

14. They feel they can be part of a group.

15. They feel a sense of responsibility to fellow human beings.

They are able to meet the demands of life:

16. They do something about their problems as they arise.

17. They accept their responsibilities.

18. They shape their environment whenever possible; they adjust to it whenever necessary.

19. They try to plan ahead and do not fear the future.

20. They welcome new experiences and new ideas.

21. They use their talents.

22. They set realistic goals for themselves.

23. They are able to make their own decisions.

24. They put their best effort into what they do, and get satisfaction from doing it.

[DragonflyGinger]

Oh cool! That list is perfect for the kind of help I'm looking for. 

And WOW! I'm pleased to see what I've achieved and surprised to see how much more work on myself I have to do. Looks like setting up a regular date with the Survivors Guide is a good idea for me.

Thank you again Suzn. 

[DragonflyGinger]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.new#new

Not sure if that link will hyperlink or not but I'm trying to share that I just learned about the Karpman (Drama) Triangle and WOW! If that doesn't play out my entire life between me, 2Girl and Mom. HOLY COW! And YAY!

Definitely going to work hard on getting off and staying off and my workplace is a perfect arena for practicing every single day. LOVE corporate America. 

[Montana]

Sounds like you are going through the emotions.  I have been there. The love hate thing is common for everyone. Not just BPD, when you get hurt.  I have been there with my uBPDh, when he tries to bring me down with his awful words.  I have learned to detach myself and make the boundaries stronger. Sometimes it's hard when we are just so exhausted we just give in. Self preservation is something we all need in these situations.  If you could have a family meeting with everyone present that would be helpful.  That way all the children knows the situation, and it's harder for them to get a twisted truth from someone else. You don't have to explain all the details. Just tell them you can't do it all. If you all make a group decision it will take some pressure off of you.  It should be a group effort not just YOU!  And if they chose to do nothing then let them know you can't do it alone.  So it's not on your shoulders. 

  I did kickboxing to help with my stress. That didn't last long due to my SO accusing me of cheating while I was there. But it helped me distress.  You need to take care of yourself first.  You can't do anything for anyone else if you can't take care of you...

[DragonflyGinger]

Thank you Montana. 

I need to ponder those ideas. I've tried in the past and it backfired on me but I don't recall my approach. I'm a much different person today than I was 5 years ago. Heck, maybe in 3 years ago. And even more different 10 years ago. I've been working on myself, conscientiously, for 19 years. I like your idea and I see how it makes sense but I need to digest it into my family dynamics. With all of us spread throughout the country it would have to be an email and I'm not sure I want to put things in writing that could be copy/pasted in an edited format to be thrown back in my face. But I am open minded and am considering it.

Thank you so much for your support! 

[lovespopcorns78]

WOW Susz !this inner child the helplessness and fear do you have info on how I can help myself with this I Need to learn about it I feel it is the core of so much of my life ! And Dragonfly you should be so proud of yourself! by reaching out you are healing and you will ! Thank you so much for this post, be kind to yourself I will look forward to more updates... .

[Suzn]

Yep that triangle can be an easy playground to get caught up in.

Definitely going to work hard on getting off and staying off and my workplace is a perfect arena for practicing every single day. LOVE corporate America. 

This is exactly where I did a LOT of practicing communication and coping skills... at work. I also worked on building healthy friendships.

How's it going with the family? Hey, conference calls can be a good way for family meetings too. 

lovespopcorns you are welcome to start a thread about inner child work if you like and we can all discuss it further. 

[Breathing new air]

I wanted to reply to this thread because I have by lurking gotten so much out of it. First of all, DragonflyGinger, your story was so similar to what I have experience. First from you initial post and then actually from when you said you had talked to your sister. I have a mother that plays the same type of role you describe and really no one would ever call her BP traits unless they lived in the family because she is so high functioning and self preserving.  It makes you question your own sanity. And unfortunately, the siblings sometimes cannot see and rather than change the dynamics and rock the boat. Especially now that you are breaking away and taking care of yourself and not your mom. It is each to blame you for everything. I am not saying that is what will happen but it could and has been my experience.

Here is my experience with this since you asked. Remember each person and family will be different. My Dad died almost 4 years ago. When that happened, I had already been moving towards healthy boundaries and been in therapy for about 3-4 years.  I lost a child to SIDS and had to do something to function. Before that I had the voice from my mom that "outsiders" were bad and things had to be kept to oneself. Anyway, another topic.  After therapy, I was learning better coping mechanisms. And using them with everyone. Dad ran interference for me with mom. He really was her scapegoat and who she blamed for all the wrongs. And my sisters had bought it, I new better and had a good relationship with him and he was helping me break away. Stop being the rescuer and swooping in. He reminded me and my mother I had my own family. Besides mom was focused on another sister. So fast forward to a year after Dad's death. I had done what my sisters wanted and become caretaker along with my other sister that lived in town. Mom goes between a Queen and Waif depending what is more convenient for her. Anyway, mom and I were fighting more and she was using FOG with all her might. I did the same break you did. Lovingly, and similar response.

Now fast forward again over the last 2 years to now.  I am in a good place and getting better. But my relationship with my sisters is more strained. I love them, but they want to see things in a certain way and I challenge them. We have a relationship and talk but are not close. It is a process. I am blamed for many things. But what I am finding is that this is my choice because I cannot buy into the dysfunction of their lives and their need for the chaos and drama that was the only thing our family new. Does that make sense? I have to be this way for my own sanity. And really, when you take away that family tie, we don't have much by interest to hold us together. Again I am new at this. I am like you have worked on myself forever but the BPD part is new. And I am still learning. Does this help?

Again you are doing great, congrats on working on yourself. And thanks for sharing. By sharing you helped me.

[DragonflyGinger]

I am so wow'd by the peace of mind I gain from this site and the compassion, the understanding and the knowledge I've received! ABSOLUTELY WOW':)!

Suzn, I can't thank you enough for the education. Your "this is why" style is a perfect fit for my "but why" learning style. The epiphanies I've had in the last two days crack me up. I even posted the Karpman Triangle on Facebook along with my apology "to you and to me for all the drama." I am so done with that arena. I won't lie... .I'm scared. I have a tremendous amount of unlearning to do but I'm stubborn and I'm determined.

Breathing New Air, you wow'd me too girly. Thank you so much for your private message and for having the courage to quit lurking and finally post. HA HA HA! 

I have a very busy weekend / week ahead so I'll probably be offline for a bit but I will be back... .lurking myself. ha ha ha. 

Good night all... .Blue Skies and Dragonflies!