Midlife crisis + BPD love = true?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

A few years ago me and my wife went through some hard times. Her sister died in a car accident, our daughter got diagnosed by ADD, and some other sad things happened to us. So our relationship was under a lot of pressure and was almost put on hold for a few years. All of a sudden I got a midlife crisis and realized that I was not happy with the situation at all. Then I met my exBPDgf and fell in love at first sight. She was recovering from all kinds of mental problems, so we were both very vulnerable at the time, which could explain why we fell for each other and started dating.

Is it common that people in a midlife crisis enters relationships with BPDs?

[Need2Know]

A few years ago me and my wife went through some hard times. Her sister died in a car accident, our daughter got diagnosed by ADD, and some other sad things happened to us. So our relationship was under a lot of pressure and was almost put on hold for a few years. All of a sudden I got a midlife crisis and realized that I was not happy with the situation at all. Then I met my exBPDgf and fell in love at first sight. She was recovering from all kinds of mental problems, so we were both very vulnerable at the time, which could explain why we fell for each other and started dating.

Is it common that people in a midlife crisis enters relationships with BPDs?

[Ironmanrises]

I do not know of that is common... .

But it appears you were at a vulnerable position... .

When you met your pwBPD... .

And that seems to be a common theme on here... .

I encountered mine... .

After my second suicide attempt... .

So I was in a vulnerable position too.

Her recovering from mental problems... .

Was the bait... .

She used... .

To reel you in.

Mine told me similar things... .

And the caretaker in me... .

Activated.

I am sorry you experienced all of that.

[fromheeltoheal]

To me a midlife crisis is the realization that there may be fewer days ahead of us than behind us, time is not the inexhaustible resource it seemed in our youth, and that realization injects a sense of urgency in our choices.

In any case, someone in crisis could be more susceptible to advances, and someone with BPD, needing to attach, may peg you as susceptible, they've got great radar for that.  Then there's the stereotype of someone in midlife crisis, always a man it seems, loses the gut, buys a hair piece and a red corvette, and hooks up with someone half his age, someone in the throws of grasping for a youth that is slipping away, or is it a midlife celebration?

[Learning_curve74]

I think it's probably more that we are emotionally vulnerable that makes us susceptible to engaging in an unhealthy relationship.

When I think of a mid-life crisis, I think of somebody who is questioning their life and which is somebody who feels unhappy with who they are, who feels a void that the trappings of their life so far don't fulfill. This leaves them vulnerable to somebody else, like a pwBPD, who steps in to fill that void and to bandage over the hurt.

Certainly, you don't need to be middle aged to feel this way, but it is considered a common age to experience this feeling.

[Need2Know]

My midlife crisis was a combination of turning 40, which made thinking that the days ahead me are fewer than the days behind me, and that my marriage had been very unfulfilling and even tragic the past years. That made me questionning my entire situation - so I was looking for something new in my life. Then I met my exBPDgf at a party and fell in love at first sight, and when she showed me her vulnerable sides we became closely connected. When we were about to become a couple for real she started off the BPD behaviour with push/pull, love/hate, breakups/makeups etc, which made me even more confused and miserable than ever before.

Isn't it quite sad that when you are most vulnerable in your life, it is so easy to get involved with an BPD? Then you are wanting to be healed, but instead you are going from being vulnerable to hurt, depressed and feeling miserable.

Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

Does it sound familiar to anyone?

[happylogist]

Hi Need2Know,

Your post comes close to  something I was thinking yesterday. I even searched in bpdfamily.com whether anyone else got involved with a BPD person while being married or having a long-term partner.

When looking back to my situation, I had that amazing feeling of connecting with someone when there were unaddressed problems in my marriage and in my life. It was not in a midlife crises per se, but close - a feeling that it was my last chance... .  I was feeling very vulnerable and lonely when our friendship evolved and later and feeling not having a true understanding with my husband when things got out of control.  I was far from home, in a quite unfriendly and uncomfortable environment, when he was there for me... .He gave me that closeness that I craved for. The interesting thing was that I was not completely unhappy in my marriage, or even if I was - I was not able even to acknowledge that.  I was not sure how to address certain problems we had, thinking those were rather my own issues and these were more personality differences that my husband and I have. Mostly those were about intimacy and about openness, my own fears of abandonment, the time I met my BPD ex I was feeling very vulnerable and out of place. He was in a similar situation to mine and the way I perceived at that time our encounter - that it was more our fate making us meet each other, it was unbelievable and divine and a chance for both of us to have the relationship we wanted. Later of course I realized that he never thought that way, rather he preferred to have our separate ways after he realized that his vision of our relationship - me being his long-distance lover/friend/counselor and without any commitments for his side was not something I was looking for. 

How are you now? Have you decided to stay in your marriage or leave?

[fromheeltoheal]

Isn't it quite sad that when you are most vulnerable in your life, it is so easy to get involved with an BPD? Then you are wanting to be healed, but instead you are going from being vulnerable to hurt, depressed and feeling miserable.

Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

Does it sound familiar to anyone?

Yes, when we are vulnerable we are open to attack from all kinds of predators, BPDs included.  Mind you a BPD is not a malicious predator, just someone trying to become whole by attaching, but a predator nonetheless.

Lately I've accepted that I was looking to be saved as I entered my r/s, and she felt like a savior.  Going into a r/s to get rather than give will always get me screwed, and giving to get isn't a great idea either.  So the gift of BPD hell is the motivation I have now for saving myself, so I can create a r/s with someone healthy, using a healthier version of myself.

[Need2Know]

Hi Happylogist,

Your situation as you describe it is almost identical to mine. I wasn't really unhappy in my marriage either. The problem was that we were under a lot of pressure and sorrows that made the relationship very unpassionate and put aside for a number of years. So I got the feeling that time was running out and I wanted to change my life with my exBPDgf - that failed.

My marriage is now better than before. My wife admitted that also had an affair when she was in grief and deep sadness after her sister's death. We decided to forgive each other and repair our relationship. We realized that we shouldn't take each other for granted but instead appreciate and encourage each other. So we are hapoy again and the marriage is passionated and re-vitalized.

How are you doing?

[happylogist]

Need2Know,

I am very glad to know that you are feeling better now! Lots of patience to you and keep going! I know it is sometimes very hard... .

I struggled for a year with my ex. He wouldn't leave me alone, but at the same time would never suggest anything. Worse he kept telling me about his new gfs and his love to me and me being married and unavailable, and him loving also his ex. It was an emotional torture, feeling of shame, guilt, love, hurt all in once - intense and non-stop. 

In the very beginning I talked to my husband, told him that I was not comfortable in our relationship and I found myself falling in love with someone. He asked me to give us a bit of time and see whether we could fix anything. It was a huge contrast to my ex's crazy-making behavior, for all his unfair treatment of me, to have a normal and understanding reaction... .be constant in feelings/words/actions... .

What I understood that I was/am not looking for someone else, I needed to make a choice to stay either with  my husband or him. I was ready to leave my husband if only my ex told me once that he wanted to be with me (not when he was drunk!). I felt he was the love of my life  and I was his (classic BPD relationship!). It is still weird situation but I realized I love them both, but differently. My husband is strong, whereas the ex - was very vulnerable, weak. I felt needed with my ex, whereas with my husband I did not. I had a bit of even motherly feelings with my ex Emotionally there was also a lot of understanding with my ex. But he was destroying everything with a speed of light, whereas my husband was trying if not to build, but at least be there... .

At one point I realized that I can't lose more. I either had to be with my ex or work on my marriage. My ex - discarded me, basically ran away. To be honest it was the fairest thing he did to me... .Also somehow proved me that my feelings were not truly reciprocal.

During this year I became closer to my husband. I was not afraid to talk and he is also open with me. We also work on our other problems and it is getting better.

Now I am not thinking of leaving him, I am not afraid of his abandonment as I was in the beginning. He is the closest person to me.  We are working on our relationship and it is surprising how much closer we are now than we were.  We are also trying to encourage each other, be present in each other lives. I appreciate my husband so much more now than I did before, and the amazing fact - he does too.

My only problem is the shadow of my ex - which I hope will dissipate soon or later.

[Need2Know]

Hi Happylogist,

It is almost scary how identical your story is compared to mine. I can identify myself in every single word you write. The way your relationships have evolved is also the same as mine. Amazing. We seem to be twin souls.

What is left for me are the same thoughts and doubts: I can't stop thinking of my exBPDgf. She was the love of my life. But I realize that it wouldn't have worked out. We live 100 miles from each other, and we both have kids, so that would have been a painful long distance relationship with even more push/pull, love/hate, idealization/hatred, breakups/makeups.

I posted the question if I did the right thing to stay with my family and everyone seems to agree. My friends support my decision too.

Probably you did the right choice to stay with your husband as well. Take care.

[Waifed]

A few years ago me and my wife went through some hard times. Her sister died in a car accident, our daughter got diagnosed by ADD, and some other sad things happened to us. So our relationship was under a lot of pressure and was almost put on hold for a few years. All of a sudden I got a midlife crisis and realized that I was not happy with the situation at all. Then I met my exBPDgf and fell in love at first sight. She was recovering from all kinds of mental problems, so we were both very vulnerable at the time, which could explain why we fell for each other and started dating.

Is it common that people in a midlife crisis enters relationships with BPDs?

My exuBPDgf worked for me.  I went through a mid life crises and divorced my wife of 14 years.  The exBPDgf who is 17 years younger than me swooped in and 3 years later reduced me to cookie crumbs... .