ONE YEAR: CELEBRATING The Day I Found My Power

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Yep - last year tomorrow morning at 5 am I woke her up and politely told her to "Get the F*** Out!".

Yes - I did. Little old me - Mr Nice Guy. The rescuer - the man who thought this woman held the only key to my happiness... .

The Adult Child who would be lost and empty each time her mood changed and she declared a "time out" (by email)... .

The groveling man who would ask "what did I do this time?", feel inferior and flawed, feel punished for being me, ask for forgiveness, and promise to change... .

The guy who would instantly forget the last bad behavior and melt when she came back to my door with a few scraps of attention. Why would I ask questions, seek solutions, have an adult conversation when it risked a mood change? It would be different this time ... .

Etc, etc, etc.

So how did I instantly find my power?

It was the end but I hadn't accepted it. She was sleeping on the couch. I woke up in the darkness. It was freezing cold. I got up and checked my back door. Wide open! She had done it again! Left me.

I went out on my deck and looked up into the dark sky. The full moon and three bright planets formed a perfect east/west line. Something clicked in me - this was it: a signal, a sign.

I went back in and there she was still on the couch! (she must have gone out for a smoke in the middle of the night and the door hadn't latched).

I woke her up. "hit__ you left the door open and my cats got out! I thought you had left in the middle of the night."

"Oh no ... .you love your cats ... ."

"Thats OK they came back but ... .I am never going to feel this way again. Get the F*** Out! You have two minutes!" I said this in a calm voice. I couldn't believe the words were coming out of my mouth. It was like I was observing myself from above, an out of body experience.

I went back in my bedroom, shut the door and heard some mad scrambling and then quiet. She was gone ... .the last time would see her.

Now looking back I occasionally feel some remorse. That wasn't a nice way to wake a fellow human being up. But (I hate that word) ... .it was the day I found my power again. I had reclaimed my power, my very masculinity. It was divine intervention. God blew the door open in the middle of the night!

Noli

[nolisan]

Yep - last year tomorrow morning at 5 am I woke her up and politely told her to "Get the F*** Out!".

Yes - I did. Little old me - Mr Nice Guy. The rescuer - the man who thought this woman held the only key to my happiness... .

The Adult Child who would be lost and empty each time her mood changed and she declared a "time out" (by email)... .

The groveling man who would ask "what did I do this time?", feel inferior and flawed, feel punished for being me, ask for forgiveness, and promise to change... .

The guy who would instantly forget the last bad behavior and melt when she came back to my door with a few scraps of attention. Why would I ask questions, seek solutions, have an adult conversation when it risked a mood change? It would be different this time ... .

Etc, etc, etc.

So how did I instantly find my power?

It was the end but I hadn't accepted it. She was sleeping on the couch. I woke up in the darkness. It was freezing cold. I got up and checked my back door. Wide open! She had done it again! Left me.

I went out on my deck and looked up into the dark sky. The full moon and three bright planets formed a perfect east/west line. Something clicked in me - this was it: a signal, a sign.

I went back in and there she was still on the couch! (she must have gone out for a smoke in the middle of the night and the door hadn't latched).

I woke her up. "hit__ you left the door open and my cats got out! I thought you had left in the middle of the night."

"Oh no ... .you love your cats ... ."

"Thats OK they came back but ... .I am never going to feel this way again. Get the F*** Out! You have two minutes!" I said this in a calm voice. I couldn't believe the words were coming out of my mouth. It was like I was observing myself from above, an out of body experience.

I went back in my bedroom, shut the door and heard some mad scrambling and then quiet. She was gone ... .the last time would see her.

Now looking back I occasionally feel some remorse. That wasn't a nice way to wake a fellow human being up. But (I hate that word) ... .it was the day I found my power again. I had reclaimed my power, my very masculinity. It was divine intervention. God blew the door open in the middle of the night!

Noli

[Montana]

Congratulations... I hope you are doing good!

[hopealways]

Proud of you! You felt remorse for using profanity on that occasion but I am CERTAIN she called you names and used profanity towards you during your entire relationship.  Be grateful that you had a limit and reached it and got out. Many stay for decades with these people and (if) they leave all they can remember is a life with the BPD and nothing else. 

I started a post about standing up to the abuser and what I am learning from the responses and yours as well is that once you do stand up to them it is truly the end.  It's like they are the anaconda who sees a prey too large for them to eat so they slither away to a smaller, easier prey. BPD are very weak people who wear a mask of being all powerful to hide their weakness.  They are attracted to powerful men but they are also masters at uncovering and manipulating those powerful men's weaknesses and slowly breaking them down.  However, once you do stand up to them and they feel you are serious this time, their only reaction is to run away for good... .but you will remain the ONLY one who stood up to them, and while they may not come back, they will respect you for it (not that you care). 

[Learning_curve74]

Namaste nolisan... . 

When I broke up with my exBPDgf, it was the only time I ever used the F-word on her. In retrospect, I feel a little bad about it, but on the other hand it was also clearly expressing my feeling at the time.

[Aussie0zborn]

Well done. You avoid the messy ending that you otherwise would have had.  Smart man.

[Vindi]

wow, you did all the right things... .

can I ask? did you do complete NC up until now, or did she ever try to come back into your life?

[nolisan]

NC on either side for a year - the best for both of us.

A few hours after the GTFO moment I received a final email from her. She never wanted to see or hear from me again.  Guess she needed to get the "final" word in . Fine by me!

Just a note on MY last year: I threw myself into recovery ... .therapist, CoDA and ACoA. It has been a Big year of personal growth. I am grateful for the r/s (the ecstasy and the agony). I wish the very best for her.

[eeyore]

yea! 

[Iwilldecide]

This post is inspiring. It gives hope. Kudos to you. You are strong!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Nolisan,

Sounds like you found the Wild Man within (see Iron John by Robert Bly).  For some of us married types, it was a longer process . . . but still worth it to reclaim my power and get back my authentic self.

I am the politest guy in the world, but even I dropped the F-bomb a number of times when my Ex was trying to goad and taunt me, without relenting, as she was frequently inclined to do, especially towards the end.  Once we separated I never looked back.  I experienced a sense of relief, and it sounds like you did, too!

Lucky Jim

[nolisan]

Thanks for all the great comments. My self esteem s still healing and your affirmations are appreciated. (I am even better at accepting compliments now).

Today I am truly grateful for the ex passing through my life - painful as it was. She was a "black swan" in my life - an unexpected game changing event. (I said that to her one time and gave her the book).

I have discovered and am re-parenting my inner child and have come out of denial on my childhood wounding.  Hard work but it is worth it.

"People come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime" Thank god it wasn't the later!

Noli

[dansure]

Yep - last year tomorrow morning at 5 am I woke her up and politely told her to "Get the F*** Out!".

Yes - I did. Little old me - Mr Nice Guy. The rescuer - the man who thought this woman held the only key to my happiness... .

The Adult Child who would be lost and empty each time her mood changed and she declared a "time out" (by email)... .

The groveling man who would ask "what did I do this time?", feel inferior and flawed, feel punished for being me, ask for forgiveness, and promise to change... .

The guy who would instantly forget the last bad behavior and melt when she came back to my door with a few scraps of attention. Why would I ask questions, seek solutions, have an adult conversation when it risked a mood change? It would be different this time ... .

Etc, etc, etc.

So how did I instantly find my power?

It was the end but I hadn't accepted it. She was sleeping on the couch. I woke up in the darkness. It was freezing cold. I got up and checked my back door. Wide open! She had done it again! Left me.

I went out on my deck and looked up into the dark sky. The full moon and three bright planets formed a perfect east/west line. Something clicked in me - this was it: a signal, a sign.

I went back in and there she was still on the couch! (she must have gone out for a smoke in the middle of the night and the door hadn't latched).

I woke her up. "hit__ you left the door open and my cats got out! I thought you had left in the middle of the night."

"Oh no ... .you love your cats ... ."

"Thats OK they came back but ... .I am never going to feel this way again. Get the F*** Out! You have two minutes!" I said this in a calm voice. I couldn't believe the words were coming out of my mouth. It was like I was observing myself from above, an out of body experience.

I went back in my bedroom, shut the door and heard some mad scrambling and then quiet. She was gone ... .the last time would see her.

Now looking back I occasionally feel some remorse. That wasn't a nice way to wake a fellow human being up. But (I hate that word) ... .it was the day I found my power again. I had reclaimed my power, my very masculinity. It was divine intervention. God blew the door open in the middle of the night!

Noli

The bold parts sound SO familiar.

I once reached the the point as you where I was so sick of all this. We just took care of her for 3 weeks because she had chickenpox and I did everything for her. One wrong sentence and she wanted to break up again. I kicked her out back then and she went crazy and started to spill stuff over my carpet. But unfortunately i felt sorry for her, when I saw her leaving and carrying all that stuff, even though she was acting totally crazy. So I got back together with her back then.

I wished I would have ended it as you did!

Very inspiring post!

[Sammamish]

Very inspiring! Thanks for sharing