existing

[suffering_parent]

I am almost 2.5 half months apart from my BPD wife.   Trying to figure out how to exist again.

The last few years I literally tried not to exist.   I did nothing for myself.   I tried so hard not to do anything to upset the wife.   Pretty much anything would set her into a rage.    I would at times sit and do nothing.

It is hard figuring out what to do with my time now.   Even with all the work of my kids, I am feel a bit lost.   A lot of things I used to enjoy I can't afford to do.   Don't have a TV and pretty limited internet.   Doing some reading, but wow do I feel lost.

[Waifed]

I felt EXACTLY the same.  You should see a therapist.  Also read, read, read about everything you can get your hands on about BPD, moving on, healing, etc.  I also read books about improving myself.  I started bringing my iPad to work and listening to books.  Some over and over.  Eventually you will accept things consciously but you have to wait for your subconscious to catch up.  That is where I am right now.  I am about 2 months out of the 3 year relationship and I have forced myself to be positive and have been seeing a therapist weekly. 

You will eventually realize and accept that you could not fix her and then you will slowly begin to mend.  She took your life away from you piece by piece and now it is up to you to go slowly get it back.  Be positive and don't beat yourself up.  Life is good once you get it back.