Somewhere New

[myself]

Finding what is left in my personal inventory has been whittled down to the essentials, which I'm still in the process of understanding. Caring about myself and others. A sense of humor. Curiosity. A belief that the future may be better than the past. As the subject line reads, this is somewhere new for me, even though at the core it's who I've always been. It's both chipping away and adding to. Thinking I might be better at this living life stuff now. Scarred, but continuing to grow. While still shaken from coming through what I have, I've been finding balance. There's a real sense of relief in that.

Wondering what others have found to still be in their personal inventories. What got better. What had been discarded? These plateaus of acceptance, are they only momentary? I'm thinking they will ripple out and help us reach our destinations.

I like this new place I'm in, just kind of lonely here at times.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm thinking that which does not kill me makes me stronger applies right now.  I'm motivated most by pain, and my BPD experience was extrmemely painful, so off I went searching, looking for answers, working on myself, for over a year now.

I heard something recently that was profound for me: that anxiety is a surrogate emotion, a stand-in, for important feelings we won't let ourselves feel.  I've always been a people pleaser, putting other people's needs before mine, and I never allowed myself to get pissed off about 'trespasses' I've been subjected to because I didn't stand up for myself.  Well, I found my anger with my BPD ex, she pissed me off to the point where it all came out, and it's had a snowball effect; I absolutely don't put up with any crap from anyone anymore, and it feels great, a long time coming.  I also notice that the anxiety I felt before was caused by keeping all of that in, not a 'condition' of it's own, and that is very good news, as I don't feel anxious much anymore either.

Is it momentary?  I say no.  A plateau is flat by definition, and we will stay here until the next challenge shows up or we decide to stretch on our own, so I guess it's longer than a moment but not indefinite.  The last year has been very painful, and it manifested in physical illness, I'm feeling good and healthy now, it feels great, and I'm going to ride this for a while, enjoying the new me.  I think the changes are permanent, there is no gong back from this awareness, we're survivors, and hallelujah!

[Lucky Jim]

Friends,

I suffered a lot in a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD, it's true, yet rather than focus on what I lost, I find it more interesting to examine what remains: my sense of humor, my capacity for love, my ability to play guitar & mandolin, my talent for painting and drawing, my brainpower, my longtime friends, a supportive family, and two children who are the best thing that ever happened to me.

Like you, fromheeltoheal, I have rediscovered my authentic self and listen to my gut feelings.  I don't take ___ from anyone anymore.  When I see a red flag in a personal relationship, I know enough to steer clear.

I still have high hurdles ahead, including some major financial obligations that are the fallout from my divorce, yet I would rather have those problems than be in a BPD marriage, anyday.

I travel light.  It's true, myself, that it's lonely at times, yet this new life has a peaceful quality that was lacking before.  I don't take myself so seriously.  I try not to sweat the small stuff.  I strive to enjoy the moment.

I'm a work-in-progress, yet I predict this plateau will be the launching pad for something greater, and envision the same for you, too.

[myself]

Thanks for the replies.

I feel bitter today, which is also a new feeling for me. Perhaps it's always been there, and has just now found the crack to grow through. I also know it can be a part of grieving and I may not have gotten here until now. We recycled so many times it was like we kept dying and coming back to life, as a couple, and I never fully grieved it all the way because it kept cycling around and there was (so I deluded myself at the time) no need to. Because I needed the highs of the relationship more than the actual growth of getting what I actually needed, which was actual growth. I was trying to exhaust the possibilities of finding balance for us, buying into the words she was telling me. Filling in the hole of loneliness that's been there all along.

This 'Somewhere New' is also a place where I am being seen as someone I am not, by someone who is supposed to be my closest friend, who knows me better than anyone. Who is supposed to have my back not stab me in it. This 'Somewhere New' doesn't always make a lot of sense. It's not where we were headed. But there is no WE. It's just me.

I'm mostly good with who I was and who I am, but I feel bitter and upset today and am having to accept that that is part of who I am, where I've been, and what I still need to work on. Eventually these pains won't hurt as much, with healing.

[eeyore]

I feel bitter and upset today and am having to accept that that is part of who I am, where I've been, and what I still need to work on. Eventually these pains won't hurt as much, with healing.

Recognizing how you feel today is a good thing.  Some people live in bitterness and don't even know it.  You know it's how you feel and you know it's something to work on.  You also know it isn't how you want to live the rest of your life.  So grieve the relationship, feel the bitterness, and then when you are ready let the anger, sadness, and bitterness go.  To help... .Write down all the good things about you and use ALL positive words. Then say them out loud every day.  Until you have internalized ALL your good.   In other words replace all your thoughts so that you only think good thoughts. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi myself,

I like the title of this post.  I'm glad that you are finding yourself somewhere new, and exploring what that feels like.  I think I may be in a similar place, it's hard to articulate because it feels rather subtle at the moment...

I also know it can be a part of grieving and I may not have gotten here until now. We recycled so many times it was like we kept dying and coming back to life, as a couple, and I never fully grieved it all the way because it kept cycling around and there was (so I deluded myself at the time) no need to. Because I needed the highs of the relationship more than the actual growth of getting what I actually needed, which was actual growth. I was trying to exhaust the possibilities of finding balance for us, buying into the words she was telling me. Filling in the hole of loneliness that's been there all along.

I think these are very wise words, myself.  You know that saying about turning toward the discomfort, instead of away?  Or at least not resisting what comes up, feeling it. It can be so hard to do, but I think there are treasures waiting there for us if we try.  Once we realize that the feelings won't annihilate us, and that they don't even say something true about us, we're free.  

This 'Somewhere New' is also a place where I am being seen as someone I am not, by someone who is supposed to be my closest friend, who knows me better than anyone. Who is supposed to have my back not stab me in it. This 'Somewhere New' doesn't always make a lot of sense. It's not where we were headed. But there is no WE. It's just me.

It looks like she can't be those things for you, and I know it hurts.    I am learning how to be my own best friend, and it is much harder than I thought!

I'm mostly good with who I was and who I am, but I feel bitter and upset today and am having to accept that that is part of who I am, where I've been, and what I still need to work on. Eventually these pains won't hurt as much, with healing.

Bitterness is good, if that's what you feel.  It'll pass, and another feeling will come and visit for a while.  Some guests that just need to be welcomed, so that they can give their message and leave.  If we try to slam the door to keep out the unwanted ones, they just come in the window, or the cat door.  

Sending lots of hugs.

heartandwhole