Is it all in my head?

[DownandOut]

For the past few years, after the first recycle with my exBPDgf and I, I have always gotten signs that I interpret as me being destined to be with this woman. Even from the beginning, I was going to a Christmas party for work and I was supposed to take a cousin of mine as my "date." He was from out of town and he had never been to the city I was living in. At the last minute, my cousin's grandmother passed away and he was unable to make the party. At the party, my exBPDgf was there and she looked stunning. She informed me that she had broken up with her BF and I seized the opportunity (I had known her from work for the previous 2 years, was always attracted to her, but knew she was unavailable).  Long story short, we end up spending the night because she had a hotel room in the hotel where the party was at - I was the perfect gentleman, all we did was cuddle sweetly. If my cousin was with me, we would have never gotten together and I most likely wouldn't be here today.

2 months after we first start to date, I get a new job and I began to be devalued. I'm feeling terrible about myself and while at the job, I overhear one of the bosses discussing hiring young, pretty girls. One of the bosses has a suggestion - my exBPDgf! Mind you, I did not get the job through her, I didn't even know she knew the boss. Weird stuff! We broke up soon thereafter, I went out of the country and I got another sign: I was given a gift from a family member that contained a symbol that she had a tattoo of.

Many, many things like this have happened over the past few years while I was recycled and they continue to happen today. Just yesterday I was reviewing a document at work and I saw one of the transaction dates as my birthday. I immediately laughed at myself and said her birthday is probably on here. It was. The next transaction. This is significant because our birthdays were always one of the things that were important to both of us and being that we were a month apart in age we celebrated together (probably why she started recycling around our birthdays). Does this happen to anyone else? Is my mind playing tricks on me?

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Down and Out,

     YES. YES. YES. It is your imagination.  The reason I feel so strongly is that I drove myself crazy with this and I don't want you to do the same.  Our minds will find patterns in things we observe that fit what we believe, like seeing a face in a crater on Mars.  I actually wrote all the "clear" massively improbable things that have happened in my life to bring me together with my pwBPD.  I could have written a book, frankly, and it was all created in my imagination just because I wanted it to be that way.  I'm out of the F.O.G. now (mostly) and I see I was kidding myself.  Please don't torture yourself this way.

LT

[DownandOut]

Thank you. I guess I need to hear it and let it register. Here's a funny one though, I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and one of the examples in there with regard to a Non saying something to a BPD had my name as the Non and her name as the BPD. Really crazy coincidence, but if I'm going to take that as a sign, I'll take it as one to RUN AWAY.

[Lao Tzu]

I'll take it as one to RUN AWAY.     

LT

[Learning_curve74]

Thank you. I guess I need to hear it and let it register. Here's a funny one though, I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and one of the examples in there with regard to a Non saying something to a BPD had my name as the Non and her name as the BPD. Really crazy coincidence, but if I'm going to take that as a sign, I'll take it as one to RUN AWAY.

Good one! 

Truth is, we all believe what we want to believe and only see the things we want to see.

We all find the things we are looking for, the trick is in deciding to look for the right things.

[frustrated b/f]

believing it was magical and filled with destiny is what kept me as long it did. However, no matter how hard I wanted to believe in this destiny, it did not match up with Reality.

If something is destined, in the stars or generally meant to be, it should not have to be so hard to maintain.

[Aussie0zborn]

believing it was magical and filled with destiny is what kept me as long it did. However, no matter how hard I wanted to believe in this destiny, it did not match up with Reality.

If something is destined, in the stars or generally meant to be, it should not have to be so hard to maintain.

Well said.

[bpdspell]

Our minds will find patterns in things we observe that fit what we believe, like seeing a face in a crater on Mars.

... .it was all created in my imagination just because I wanted it to be that way.

For a long time I held onto uncanny occurrences to affirm the belief that I was destined to be with my ex. I wanted to make... .no force... .things to work out and I wanted my happily ever after... .even in spite of the glaring evidence of toxicity that sat in my lap like a purring cat.

When we are desperate to stayed connected our minds will shape a narrative that supports what we want to believe.

I don't think it's our destiny to be with people who are incapable of loving us in a consistent, emotionally mature, reciprocal way. I don't think we're here on this earth to be whipping toys, used a meal tickets, projected upon, blamed for, sugar mamas or the myriad of abuse experiences that come from being a part of the BPD toxic dance.

I don't know about you but abuse is the furthest from experiencing happiness.

Life is so much bigger than abuse and bigger than our ex's. I think many of us on here believe for whatever personal reasons that our ex's are the best that we can do.

This is a strong feeling I  had for my ex that took a while to put into perspective as I learned how to heal.

So let's see:

Cheater

Liar

Entitlement

Gas lighting

Did I mention cheater?

Emotionally Devaluing

Triangulating

Self-Centered

Needy

Draining

parasitical

The Sum Total does not = The best that I can do.

I can have better, have had better. You just have to believe you deserve it.

Spell