I was addicted but I can do better

[Learning_curve74]

This is actually about me not my exBPDgf, so I believe it belongs on the personal inventory board... .maybe bear with me for a few mo'. 

Spurred on from a post by BPDspell on the leaving board:

Life is so much bigger than abuse and bigger than our ex's. I think many of us on here believe for whatever personal reasons that our ex's are the best that we can do.

This is a strong feeling I  had for my ex that took a while to put into perspective as I learned how to heal.

So let's see:

Cheater

Liar

Entitlement

Gas lighting

Did I mention cheater?

Emotionally Devaluing

Triangulating

Self-Centered

Needy

Draining

parasitical

The Sum Total does not = The best that I can do.

I can have better, have had better. You just have to believe you deserve it.

One of my best friends used to tell me all the time, "You can do better!" He was actually quite disgusted that I put up with my exBPDgf's BS, but at the same time he was also one of the most supportive of all my friends and told me that he understood there was something in my own sick mind that convinced me that I should be with her.

The sad thing is that I always said that I didn't believe that I was "settling", that I didn't have a crisis of self-confidence, only that I felt that my exBPDgf was flawed, there was more than just the negative side of her, she had some good qualities, and that I cared for her. I'm not looking for perfection, and I don't believe in the myth of "The One". But still, she was everything that BPDspell listed: cheater, liar, entitled, parasitical, etc.

If it were my best friend, at the first sign of her being a liar and cheater, he would've dumped her and probably raged on her. Not me, but why?

I realize that I have a very deep need to feel loved. It's like a drug, intoxicating to me. I understand that most people want to be loved, but I guess the need is different for me? I am not a serial monogamist, in fact I hadn't been in a serious a relationship for many years prior to hooking up with my exBPDgf. But I react so strongly to falling in love -- or is it infatuation -- that it really becomes an obsession when I do fall for somebody. I guess that I welcome becoming unhealthily enmeshed with my romantic partner, and then when the cracks start to show I am already all-in and addicted to the highs. I wouldn't say that I have fear of abandonment, but I always feel devastated after any breakup.

I'd like to say that I am generally happy and fulfilled when I am single, but whenever I am in a relationship it feels like some switch clicks in my head and I go crazy. I was just typing, "I love to take care of them" and deleted it but just re-typed it. Maybe I am "codependent"? There has to be a healthy way for me to love somebody instead of feeling crazy!

I never came to that realization that being in a relationship is like a drug high for me until after being involved with a BPD partner, which has really challenged me to look closely at myself. I never had to jump through so many hoops and contort myself into so many shapes before, so I never realized it until my exBPDgf showed me this is who I could become. I can do better than have to be somebody I don't want to be.

Guess I have some new stuff to talk with the therapist about. 

[heartandwhole]

learning_curve74,

I can relate a lot to what you wrote, especially the part about doing well when I am not in a romantic relationship, and then a switch flips when I fall in love.  I think it's because in a relationship, my denial of my own needs stands out in sharp relief as I tend to the other person's needs as best I can.  On my own, I am not "pulled" by that habit, but at the same time, my own emotional needs are hibernating, because there is no one  teasing them out, so to speak.

Reading about the victim triangle really impacted me, especially these parts:

SGR’s usually grow up in families where their dependency needs are not acknowledged. It’s a psychological fact that we treat ourselves the way we were treated as children. The budding Rescuer grows up in an environment where their needs are negated and so tend to treat themselves with the same degree of negligence that they experienced as children. Without permission to take care of themselves, their needs go underground and they turn instead to taking care of others.

Behind it all is a magical belief that, said out loud, might sound like, “If I take care of them long enough, then, sooner or later, they will take care of me too.” But, as we’ve already learned, this rarely happens. When we rescue the needy, we can’t expect anything back. They can’t even take care of themselves - much less be there for us!

A SGR’s greatest fear is that they will end up alone. They believe that their total value comes from how much they do for others. It’s difficult for them to see their worth beyond what they have to offer in the way of “stuff” or “service”. SGR’s unconsciously encourage dependency because they believe, “If you need me, you won’t leave me”. They scramble to make themselves indispensable in order to avoid abandonment.



In my opinion, these are the roots of co-dependency.  

It's been difficult for me to see that I am lovable just for being– not for giving, caring, loving.  I sure would like to internalize that concept, but still working on it.  

In my family, I learned that being there for my other family members, trying to take care of them, and not voicing my needs and wants were ways to avoid pain and abandonment and to feel cherished and valued.  

What about you?

heartandwhole

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.msg1065512#msg1065512

[Learning_curve74]

lReading about the victim triangle really impacted me, especially these parts:

Behind it all is a magical belief that, said out loud, might sound like, “If I take care of them long enough, then, sooner or later, they will take care of me too.” But, as we’ve already learned, this rarely happens. When we rescue the needy, we can’t expect anything back. They can’t even take care of themselves - much less be there for us!

A SGR’s greatest fear is that they will end up alone. They believe that their total value comes from how much they do for others. It’s difficult for them to see their worth beyond what they have to offer in the way of “stuff” or “service”. SGR’s unconsciously encourage dependency because they believe, “If you need me, you won’t leave me”. They scramble to make themselves indispensable in order to avoid abandonment.



In my opinion, these are the roots of co-dependency.  

It's been difficult for me to see that I am lovable just for being– not for giving, caring, loving.  I sure would like to internalize that concept, but still working on it.  

Thanks for pointing those things out, heartandwhole! I think back to why I felt so crazy while in the relationship, and a LOT of it was that expectation of "if I take care of you, you'll take care of me". I also see now that I had that fear of abandonment otherwise I would've just left because in retrospect the relationship was SO unhealthy! I would expend so much mental and emotional energy worrying about whether I was doing the right things so she would be the way that I wanted her to be and therefore not leave me.

The weird thing is that early on when I learned about her diagnosed BPD, found this site, and read "how a BPD love relationship evolves", I actually had a sense of relief. It was like reading a description of exactly what our relationship had been undergoing, and I had the sense that it was therefore doomed and felt relieved that it wasn't going to work out and I had the answers why. I felt like I understood why she was "crazy" and therefore I didn't need to care for her. Of course, that was easier said than done, I just couldn't let go at the time because of my own need to feel loved!

I don't feel a strong conscious sense of being unworthy, incomplete, or unlovable. But there must be some of that lying under the surface for me to always cling so tightly to those I fall in love with. Right?

I know that I am loved by many as I have many friends that care for me and look out for me. I still want that one person to be in love with though. But maybe instead of "If I care for you, then you'll care for me," it should be "I'll take care of myself, you take care of yourself, and we'll share what we each bring to the table"? The sad thing is that I thought that I had found my strong independent warrior woman, but what she was truly strong in was finding people who would give her what she wanted and was therefore actually extremely needy! And while I feel that I am a strong, independent, take no BS kind of guy, what happened is that I ended up taking a LOT of BS and letting myself be very abused -- not necessarily in a direct way like being physically attacked but in passive agressive ways. Maybe a lesson that not all is exactly what it seems on the surface.

I'm going to stop here for now because I feel like I'm rambling. 

[heartandwhole]

Learning,

I don't think you are rambling at all.    I think these are great insights.  I like what you said about not consciously feeling unworthy or unlovable.  I can relate to that.  My theory is that most human beings have some level of a "something wrong" feeling inside that could manifest in a relationship that is lopsided and/or painful, among other things.

I actually don't see this as a problem to be solved, but more of something to be aware of, accepted, and understood.  It makes behavioral changes easier, at least for me.

What does caring for your emotional needs mean to you?

[Learning_curve74]

My theory is that most human beings have some level of a "something wrong" feeling inside that could manifest in a relationship that is lopsided and/or painful, among other things.

I actually don't see this as a problem to be solved, but more of something to be aware of, accepted, and understood.  It makes behavioral changes easier, at least for me.

What does caring for your emotional needs mean to you?

Thanks for the reply, heartandwhole! I've been consciously avoiding posting here because I haven't been in a good enough headspace to devote to personal inventory, or at least I haven't been feeling up to it.

Since I broke up 3 months ago, it has been an interesting revelation that I have unresolved issues that manifested in the BPD relationship. Part of me wants to feel like it's crazy to "blame" things on FOO, but it was only after I broke up with my exBPDgf that I could see clearly enough that a large part of my issues stems from my relationship with my father, which is ironic because a large part the exgf's issues stemmed from her father and FOO as well.

I know now that I never felt loved by my father. He is a very old school, no emotions kind of guy. But beyond just that, he only could ever tear me down, never offering love or any positive emotional contact but only negative and invalidating words.

Wanting something I knew I could never have... .I think that is a big part of why I was stuck. I can't ever get my father to change, nor could I ever get my exBPDgf to change. But I still wanted it.

I'm trying to get to that point of being at peace with both situations. But I still struggle sometimes. In fact, I feel that sometimes when I go on L3/Leaving and hang around there it's a form of ignoring my own problems, a lot easier to point out the problems in others rather than looking in the mirror at myself.

Sometimes I feel like wallowing in self-pity and feeling bad for myself. Not very constructive, but maybe it's less painful than confronting things head on, I dunno... .

[Jbt857]

Learning Curve,

I don't think there's anything wrong with a good wallow from time to time, so long as you are able to put a time limit on it. Once in a while, I'll dedicate an evening to it, playing sad songs, reminiscing, wondering what if, having a good cry.

The next morning, I feel refreshed. It can be a positive way to release some of that emotion, especially if, like me, you're trying not to discuss it with friends anymore. (Talk of the ex is off limits with my friends, as I want to move forward).

Of course, if it's more than once in a while, then it could be a problem, but if the desire arises, embrace it - you've earned it! 

Then you can get back to the stuff where you work on you... .