Is this about us learning to love ourselves?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Letting the relationship take me wherever it needed to, I've spent 20 years of my life analyzing, changing, growing, digressing, becoming him, coming back to me, going through hell, heaven, and back again all with some connection back to a dream with my 'well(er)' ex-husband, diagnosed BPD and father of my children, in it.

Was this really about him? Or was this about me learning to love myself? Although I didn't know it at the time, I feel like I've been fighting mine and his family's demons (fears, shame, etc.) through our relationship. I've been through hell and explored some of the deepest emotions, especially my dark side, but have come out learning to love myself. This experience now allows me to love my kids more and relate to so many other people with less judgment. This is not to say I'm 'loving' all the time but get stronger everyday.

Did anyone else initially feel like the success of this life experience was your BPD learning to love themselves? but have come out thinking maybe it was just about us learning to love ourselves and their primary role was to help us get there? Now, it is our turn to spread the love to as many people as possible (unfortunately leaving our BPD love at the same time  :'().

[dontknow2]

Letting the relationship take me wherever it needed to, I've spent 20 years of my life analyzing, changing, growing, digressing, becoming him, coming back to me, going through hell, heaven, and back again all with some connection back to a dream with my 'well(er)' ex-husband, diagnosed BPD and father of my children, in it.

Was this really about him? Or was this about me learning to love myself? Although I didn't know it at the time, I feel like I've been fighting mine and his family's demons (fears, shame, etc.) through our relationship. I've been through hell and explored some of the deepest emotions, especially my dark side, but have come out learning to love myself. This experience now allows me to love my kids more and relate to so many other people with less judgment. This is not to say I'm 'loving' all the time but get stronger everyday.

Did anyone else initially feel like the success of this life experience was your BPD learning to love themselves? but have come out thinking maybe it was just about us learning to love ourselves and their primary role was to help us get there? Now, it is our turn to spread the love to as many people as possible (unfortunately leaving our BPD love at the same time  :'().

[hopealways]

Great question which has one answer: they came into our lives so that we can learn to love ourselves. In fact you agreed to be with them because you knew that it would lead to you loving yourself. You needed that.  If the end result is that you are loving yourself, then you have succeeded.  You may have gone to hell and back (several times) but you will come out a stronger better person.

[Ironmanrises]

Simply... .

Yes.

I know it hurts.

That was the purpose... .

Of encountering them.

They highlighted... .

That deep core wound... .

That needs to be healed.

Does that make the hurt less... .?

No.

Hang in there.

[snappafcw]

Ten months later and I have had my up moments but right now I don't love myself!

Its because the relationship brought out some much deeper issues inside myself but I'm handling it in a positive way and arranging therapy. Life is still a blessing I'm sure I'll look back and be greatfull

[winston72]

The result of the conflict and, from my experience, the "assault" on myself from such relationships has been the need to build a healthier self.  It seems to me that many/most people come to this site with questions about the BPD in their life... .they, and I, think the answers are in understanding the other, in encouraging change in the other one and then, lo and behold, we learn that the only way we find true relief and progress is by working on ourselves.  It is an evolution that I see on this site... .and it has informed me on what I need to do... .and it has really worked and been liberating for me.

In my life, I see that I lacked many of these personal boundaries, fortifications, self-esteem foundations (pardon the stilted grammar as I am grappling for concepts here!)... .I had a lot of shame, fear, mal-adapted self image from my own disordered mother.  So, I am building some healthy parts of myself for the first time.  The cascade of pain and confusion from the most recent BPD mess forced me into the personal reconstruction project. 

While my partner was a mess... .the only workable response was to focus on myself... .my own mess and my own strengths and to begin creating a new life.

[winston72]

DontKnow2... .i just read your earlier posts.  It is heart-breaking and difficult... .19 years.  You sound very thoughtful and reflective... .and a bit hard on yourself!  But maybe that is the gift of the moment, that the hard reflection will lead you to a better place.

One of the most painful things about loving someone who does not have the capacity to respond with spontaneous, consistent emotions is that it invites us, perhaps requires us, to parse and analyze all of our feelings, commitments, actions.  It is not possible to say, "I love him and devote myself to him... .just because!"  For when we live that way we are thrown into a stew of confusion and contradiction.  And so I hear you tearing apart your last 20 years with harsh analysis.

The backstory that leads us to new life is that we have certain personality attributes or self image formulations that drew us to such a person.  Embracing, engaging, accepting and moving beyond those are the positives we pull from these interactions.

Better days ahead for you!

PS... .protect yourself.  Getting beat up emotionally by your ex does not do anyone any good.  Feel free to put up some internal defences, NC if that is best for you.  It sounds like you have plenty of self-critiicsm to work through, so his does not provide any enlightenment!

[dontknow2]

Thank you to all for your insight and encouragement.

Hopealways, It is a great notion to think I was fully aware at some level.

Ironmanfalls, Deep core wounds no doubt. I still feel like I was not just healing mine but my families.

Snappafcw, Therapy was the best thing I could ever do but had to be the right therapist. I needed someone who just accepted me unconditionally not try to make me 'be' something else (even if it was by the book, healthy) even I sounded like that's what I wanted.

Winston72, It is true: I am hard on myself, always have been. It is one of my family's curse passed down. That said, I think you are right in that it is leading me to a better place. I am starting to see a bigger pattern in my life more clearly as if I am standing above it. My life is like a spiral where I repeat same stuff over and over again picking up a little more each time but always getting closer to the center. (vs the 2 steps forward 1 step back concept since this sounds like a person is just moving backwards or forwards) This is giving me a sense of peace and acceptance and neutrality of it all. Thank you for your kindness and love in reminding me to protect myself.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi dontknow2, Yes!  I think that is the lesson.  It's also about being authentic with oneself and recognizing when something doesn't feel right at a gut level.  It's about loving oneself enough not to let someone else walk all over you.  Let's face it, most of us Nons are caretakers and "fixers" and get frustrated because BPD is not something that we can readily fix and caretaking a pwBPD is a never-ending, thankless job.  You burn out, or at least I did.  That's OK, because no one can hold up under that kind of stress over an extended period, in my view.  Lucky Jim

[DragoN]

Hi dontknow2, Yes!  I think that is the lesson.  It's also about being authentic with oneself and recognizing when something doesn't feel right at a gut level.  It's about loving oneself enough not to let someone else walk all over you.  Let's face it, most of us Nons are caretakers and "fixers" and get frustrated because BPD is not something that we can readily fix and caretaking a pwBPD is a never-ending, thankless job.  You burn out, or at least I did.  That's OK, because no one can hold up under that kind of stress over an extended period, in my view.  Lucky Jim

Eventually, you learn to let go of the rope and suggest strongly to the pwBPD to figure out how to save themselves from themselves.

While I trundle off and work on my own damage.

[purpleavocado]

I find that it helps to think of it that way. I have lifelong struggles with self-esteem and boundaries; on top of that, I am an extreme introvert and don't seek people out. Being introverted for me doesn't mean that I don't want people in my life, it just means that i struggle with how to meet people. One of the positive things my BPDex brought to my life was the ability to see that I'm actually okay in social situations and I have something to say.

Any person with an average or high level of self worth wouldn't have put up with what my ex dished, but I did. I think my biggest struggle in making peace with that will be to figure out WHY. It's not that I think I'm a bad person, but for some reason I feel obligated to put up with unhealthy crap.

[Newton]

dontknow2. ... .this thread is essential reading for members.  It won't be a shortcut to enlightenment, or necessarily facilitate "feeling" different in a particular moment but knowing of a goal is a great way to stay on the right path, for us.

So many of us arrive here looking for solutions to change our SO's behaviour.  Then comes the realization and introspection that we need to look in the mirror.  Why have we/are we, tolerating abusive behaviour? Have we developed and maintained strong personal values and boundaries?  If not, why not?  Where and when have we been conditioned to function this way?  Why are we often scared to change, resist, say "no!, enough!".  What are we scared of losing? Is it real? Or a construct?. (shifting the focus from them to us is often unpalatable and very alien).

It can be a painful journey to address these questions, but you are absolutely correct, loving and caring for ourselves as a priority is essential.  Many of us here are severely lacking in this skill.

[Lucky Jim]

Any person with an average or high level of self worth wouldn't have put up with what my ex dished, but I did. I think my biggest struggle in making peace with that will be to figure out WHY. It's not that I think I'm a bad person, but for some reason I feel obligated to put up with unhealthy crap.

Well said, anad4747.  You are not alone, my friend.  Anyone who has been in a r/s with a pwBPD, in my view, has undoubtedly put up with a lot of abusive behavior.  The key question is Why? as you note, which is where we draw strength going forward.

Lucky Jim

[dontknow2]

It's clear we have all been through so much. I hear many of you speak about how we were treated... .which was more awful for most of the years in my case. That said, part of my growth included exploring my dark side and accepting/loving all of me but especially that part. What started out as a tool to communicate or understand my BPDex turned into me acting out a part of me that I suppressed and was learning to express from him. Maybe off and on for 2 years out of the 20, this included everything from letting emotions soar (saying things like 'I hate being a mother', saying cruel untrue things to him, yelling, spying on him, etc.) to crazy sex. Although only small less volatile bits remain, I am much better for it. I love myself at a deep level with less doubt. Frankly, I also feel better equipped to handle any of life's challenges.

Was I the only one here that went through the dark side to come into the light (loving me)?

[GreenMango]

There's a lot of lessons in these relationships. 

I know I've learned a lot.  Some of those lessons were really hard, like seeing how I didn't honor myself at times.

But I do think like you that at the end of the day I'm a better person for it.