Light bulbs and moving forward

[Breathing new air]

I have not posted in a few weeks. Life has been busy moving forward. It is full and I have so many blessings in it I have never been able to see before due to the FOG that was so much a part of my life.  Over the last few months I am constantly amazed at what I thought was normal that was not. And how far from normal things were. I know of all placed you all know what I am talking about. My uBP mother and the chaotic life she created for our family in the name of "love".  You know the drill. I love you more than anything and I would do anything for you, (as long as it is exactly what I want at that moment and you better anticipate it because it could be different in 30 seconds).  My FOO bought into it hook line and sinker and continue to.  Only I cannot and that is making contact very difficult. I wanted to share my experience from yesterday.  I am moving forward and my reactions are so different that I can see the victory, but I admit today I am tired and sad and worn out.  I want the response from my family I would give my own children and all their wonderful friends who are my honorary children. I know it is not possible but I still want it especially today. Let me explain.

Yesterday was a day to say the least. Full of triggers that are loosing strength but are still triggers. I work in a Psychiatrist office as a clinic nurse. I triage and take phone calls. I am a contact for many patients. Many may remember this is what led me to figure out my mothers issues. Anyway, yesterday at 345, I was to leave at 4 for my son's game, I had a walk up of a patient that was in crisis due to her son trying to commit suicide. She had pulled him off the ledge and he was being committed but she was shaken up. Anyone would, but she has BP traits so it was much worse. I talked her down and honestly she did ok.  ( in the back of my mind I am thinking about all her bad decisions and why would you take your suicidal child to a park with a cliff. ) But anyway, it was what is was. I did my job and actually was only 15 minutes late getting out after calming her down and making arrangements for continued care. I did well. Medium chill works well. Also was proud of how I did put up boundaries on what I could do to help. Progress. Anyway, this sets my mindset going home. I needed a drink honestly, but I went to my son's game. Helped in itself. I am a lucky mom.

Anyway, mom called later that night for the first time in 2 weeks. She asked about something that I had talked to her about 9 months ago like it was yesterday. She needs to sell horses and I had mentioned someone I knew that was looking 9 months ago that I had had a passing conversation with. Like that was still valid... .Whatever. But I used Medium Chill with her. Told her politely it was months ago, I had no idea now who it was. She persisted but I kept repeating the same thing and she had no reaction so she moved on. I will say she did have to tell me about the loan she had to take out from the bank for the hay... .I am not paying for it now since they are her horses not mine and she really gives us no say. Anyway, with no response, she moved on fairly quickly. Then it was Thanksgiving, what were we doing because it was her birthday that day too.  I told her I did not know and had not thought that far ahead. Really I don't want to spend it with my FOO again but I was not going to go there last night. But as she continued to get no response that she wanted, the phone call ended.  I did not get sucked in to rescuing her. I was proud.

Then later that night, my sister called. She said I had called her but I swear I did not. I asked her how things were and she proceeded to tell me about another sister that is moving back that my mom arranged housing for. I said something about how messed up our family was and how we really do not get normal. She agree'd but because my other sister was moving in with this guy our family has a long really kind of twisted history with. She saw nothing with how things were arranged and the enmeshment. In fact she defended mom when I said something. I just don't get it. It amazes me what we think is ok and normal coming from this type of family. How hard it is to recognize personal boundaries and where on family member ends and another begins.  Yet because I am out of the fold in a lot of ways, I don't count. Today this is especially hard. 10 years ago today I lost my son to SID's. When I talked to both my sister and mom last night neither one said a word. I want a family that would have cared. I would have.  :'(

We have always let mom do things for us as sisters and think it is normal. I know I am going through the survivors Guide steps and changing the way I deal. I am recognizing the dysfunction of our interactions. I celebrate this.  :)I have come so far. I really don't get sucked in as much.  I don't know what is to come, but I thank the people here for being her and understanding. That makes it easier.  I have read many times here about the Jekyll and Hyde our mothers can be. Mom could be good and nice and make me feel special, but I recognize now it was only when I was what she wanted. I see so little of the good now, I feel like I am starting to forget that part of her. If it ever existed.  I miss my mom or should I say what I think a mom should be like or what I wanted and needed, especially on this day when I am missing my son so much.  Somedays, I feel like I have so many left over  issue to work through,  they will never go away.  Thanks for listening.   

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Breathing new air,

First of all, I'm sorry for the loss of your child.   I'm so, so sorry.

It sounds like yesterday was a rough day for you in many ways. Anniversaries of painful events can be triggers in themselves, and it sounds like you didn't get the validation you needed, but ended up in a disagreement with your mother and sister.

You are doing some good work, though. You recognize how your mother and sister's behavior is upsetting you, you're working on developing non-confrontational responses to their behavior, and you're using the tools to help you deal with the pain that you've felt over the years. We all come here with issues, so know that you're not alone. It takes a long time to really deal with them, so be gentle to yourself as you go through the process.

I wish I had some words to comfort you as you remember and miss your son.  :'( As a fellow mom, I can only imagine the pain you're feeling. Is there something you could do to remember him and do something healing for yourself today?

[Breathing new air]

Geekygirl,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. That in itself does more than you know. Growing up in a family like mine the message was that only our "family could help". Outsiders did not care for us. It was a false belief. People are basically good not bad. You just reinforced it.  Today is better. I actually took myself to lunch to my favorite restaurant yesterday. So yes I do have my coping skills I have developed. It has been ten years. I have a friend I talked to yesterday that said it well. Time does not make it easier, I think in someways it is harder on those days. It just makes it so it is different.  The pain comes every year. In a lot of ways I am ready and ok with it.

The difference for me this year is my relationship with my FOO.  I miss the "good side of mom". The one that could be caring and sweet. But the price is too high and that made it hard for me yesterday. 

My mom had this ability to cut you down and make you into something she wanted with such kindness that you craved it. Does that make sense? Her cruelty was so veiled that you did not even know it is there unless you stepped out of line and then of course it was your fault. I am still dealing with that dynamic of myself.  The part that makes me wonder if I am not the crazy one and she is right I deserved it and I brought it on. The emotional hijacking was so complete that many times I find myself craving it and wanting to forget what it cost. Does that make sense? I keep working on myself and finding people I can get kindness from without the cruelty that comes with it. So thanks again. I survive.  Losing a child made me who I am. It opened my character to a capacity for love and caring and seeing  the goodness in things I could never have had without it, but that does not mean I would not change everything for one minute back with my son. Someone told me that when my son died I entered a exclusive club that no one wants to be a part of but has some of the most tremendous and wonderful people that you will ever meet, if they recover and chose to see the positive side of life and not become bitter. So I do allow myself to be sad. It is ok, I miss him. It does not define me.

I almost think it is like this forum. Children of mothers and fathers like ours when they recover are amazing and thinking what they have survived is wonderful.

Needless to say one of my favorite parts of this board is the Survivors Guide to Childhood Abuse. I use it often. Funny though it was also the process I used to come to terms with my son's death. 

[GeekyGirl]

I'm glad that you're doing something for yourself.   I understand when you say that you miss the "good side" of your mom. It's only natural to want your mother's love.

I almost think it is like this forum. Children of mothers and fathers like ours when they recover are amazing and thinking what they have survived is wonderful.

Needless to say one of my favorite parts of this board is the Survivors Guide to Childhood Abuse. I use it often. Funny though it was also the process I used to come to terms with my son's death. 

I think there are some commonalities between mourning the loss of your childhood and mourning the loss of your child. While the intensity of the grief may be different, you're grieving. Letting yourself be sad is very healthy. Wanting support is also healthy. What's really good here is that you're looking at constructive ways to deal with that grief and sadness. 

[Breathing new air]

Thanks GeekyGirl, I think you are correct about the similarities. I will say it is a different type of pain. I have to say that for me anyway. Until I go NC, it is an on going thing. I set boundaries but struggle with the fact that really she will never get it. She truly does not understand.  Therefore as a set boundaries, I still find that she has the ability to hurt me. I have to admit it has been an up and down week for me.

Just when I think I have made progress and will be ok. I have an ambush situation. Finding me in public where I can't do anything. Then acting the hurt mom with the bad daughter. Then when boundaries are set and she is told not to go there and it is what it is. I get the " I miss you and love you" Text to reel me back in. It sounds so sincere. I want to believe, but I know the price that comes with it unfortunately. If that makes sense. I have to say 3 days later I still feel like I have a "mother hangover" from the interaction. Luckily I see my T later today. But I have to say. It feels like every time I think things are good. She sneaks up behind me and reminds me how things really are and why they stayed that way for so long.

I am debating how to deal with my FOO. The holidays are coming.  They are always sad for me. And may be more so this year. It is a milestone anniversary year so to speak with my son. Sometimes I just wonder where I will get the energy. Thanks for listening to be go on.

[GeekyGirl]

  I'm glad you're seeing your T today. Hopefully he/she can give you some perspective from a clinical staNPDoint and help you process this. I know that it helps me sometimes just to talk to someone who understands the clinical side of BPD.

Remember that boundaries are set to protect you--not to control your mother's behavior. What's within your control is how you react to the ambushes. It's so hard sometimes, especially when the feelings that come up are intense. is there a way to make sure that you're not ambushed in public?

The holidays can be pretty painful for a lot of people (not just people on this site). What can you do to make them more bearable? We've started some new traditions in my family, which has been fun and helpful.