Drugs, BPD, Doubts, and Detachment

[PhoenixRising15]

Yesterday was a milestone for me. 

After reading and re-reading the Abandoned Child vs. Lonely Child article two days ago, I have just kept coming back to it.  It's like it all finally clicked.

Then, yesterday, I had this wierd feeling come over me.  I walked out of my apartment to go work out and I left my phone at home.  I didn't feel a compulsion to rush home and check it.  I didn't feel a compulsion to have it on me.

I'm slowly clearing out the fear, I finally can say with some confidence I feel like I am beginning to detach.

In a way that terrifies me, because every time that has happened and I have started to heal, my ex has popped up and begged for another reconciliation. 

I've erected a complete electronic barrier and she wrote me a farewell love poem, but not that that means anything.  She also is on to another guy, so hopefully that distracts her.

Even just writing that, I feel disgusted, disgusted, disgusted with myself.  At one point, I was so heartbroken and distraught and at this point, I don't want to be bothered.  I still care for her, it hurts to think about her with another man, sharing the intimate moments we shared, but that's my stuff.  Now, I'm hoping it helps her recover.

At the same time, I feel guilty, like I have abandoned her.  Because I didn't respond to her last email, or pick up her calls, but I just couldn't take it anymore.  Everything she did, whether she knew it conciously or not, pushed my deepest jealousy/insecurity buttons.

I've been doing a lot of reading on substance abuse and why they don't diagnose/treat BPD until the substance abuse is gone and not until 20+ish.

I'm not sure if she is BPD, or just a sick, sick addict.

Either way, I don't want to be raged at.  I don't want to be cheated on.  I don't want to be constantly lied to.  I don't want to deal with vastly swinging emotions.  I don't want to play daddy or therapist.

Mostly, I cannot trust her. 

I cannot trust her.

I cannot trust her.

I cannot trust her.

I cannot trust her.

I cannot trust her.

I want to just forgive her and FORGET her.

I don't want to be afraid to look at my phone or email or think about when she comes back.

God, I am so afraid of when she returns that she will seek me out and I won't be strong enough to recognize her tactics.

That was long, and rambling, but I guess the main points are:

I'm noticably detaching and happy about that.

I feel guilty for cutting her off.

I'm ashamed that I hold some small hope in my heart that ours was that fairytale love that I delusionally created in my head.

I'm conflicted about my feelings, but I hope she gets better.  It's so sad to watch, but I won't play a part in the drama anymore.

[Ironmanrises]

Yesterday was a milestone for me. 

After reading and re-reading the Abandoned Child vs. Lonely Child article two days ago, I have just kept coming back to it.  It's like it all finally clicked.

Then, yesterday, I had this wierd feeling come over me.  I walked out of my apartment to go work out and I left my phone at home.  I didn't feel a compulsion to rush home and check it.  I didn't feel a compulsion to have it on me.

I'm slowly clearing out the fear, I finally can say with some confidence I feel like I am beginning to detach.

In a way that terrifies me, because every time that has happened and I have started to heal, my ex has popped up and begged for another reconciliation. 

I've erected a complete electronic barrier and she wrote me a farewell love poem, but not that that means anything.  She also is on to another guy, so hopefully that distracts her.

Even just writing that, I feel disgusted, disgusted, disgusted with myself.  At one point, I was so heartbroken and distraught and at this point, I don't want to be bothered.  I still care for her, it hurts to think about her with another man, sharing the intimate moments we shared, but that's my stuff.  Now, I'm hoping it helps her recover.

At the same time, I feel guilty, like I have abandoned her.  Because I didn't respond to her last email, or pick up her calls, but I just couldn't take it anymore.  Everything she did, whether she knew it conciously or not, pushed my deepest jealousy/insecurity buttons.

I've been doing a lot of reading on substance abuse and why they don't diagnose/treat BPD until the substance abuse is gone and not until 20+ish.

I'm not sure if she is BPD, or just a sick, sick addict.

Either way, I don't want to be raged at.  I don't want to be cheated on.  I don't want to be constantly lied to.  I don't want to deal with vastly swinging emotions.  I don't want to play daddy or therapist.

Mostly, I cannot trust her. 

I cannot trust her.

I cannot trust her.

I cannot trust her.

I cannot trust her.

I cannot trust her.

I want to just forgive her and FORGET her.

I don't want to be afraid to look at my phone or email or think about when she comes back.

God, I am so afraid of when she returns that she will seek me out and I won't be strong enough to recognize her tactics.

That was long, and rambling, but I guess the main points are:

I'm noticably detaching and happy about that.

I feel guilty for cutting her off.

I'm ashamed that I hold some small hope in my heart that ours was that fairytale love that I delusionally created in my head.

I'm conflicted about my feelings, but I hope she gets better.  It's so sad to watch, but I won't play a part in the drama anymore.

In bold.

Use that... .

As the barrier... .

That will keep her away from you.

Her behavior... .

Will not change.

She corrupted your trust... .

Which is sacred.

She will do it again... .

Even more viciously... .

If you let her back in.

Use that... .

As part of your NC... .

As the final wall... .

To keep such a destructive person... .

Who will taint... .

The very pillars... .

That you adhere to.

Hang in there buddy.

Your words are being heard.

[nolisan]

There is a lot of healthy stuff in your post ... .except the guilt you feel for "letting her down". Letting her go and letting her find her own way (ie bottom) the best, kindest and most loving thing you can do for her (and you).

Regarding you question whether she's BPD or an Addict (maybe both!) it doesn't really matter. Both are bad news and will mess you up. Mine was BPD but it was exactly like having an alcoholic or addict in my life. They are "tornado's" roaring through others lives.

[Learning_curve74]

Alcoholics and drug addicts exhibit many of the BPD traits. Don't think for a second that they are necessarily any better off than somebody who has BPD. It's an uphill battle for all. And you are likely to be lied to and cheated on just the same -- the pathology is that they are selfish and do what they need to for themselves with little to no thought for others. This is info I learned from both a recovered drug addict and a psychologist friend who has experience with both alcoholics and pwBPD.

As to feeling conflicted, I think that makes sense. There had to be some good things about your relationship and those stand in contrast to the bad things.

QuestioningFaith, I totally identify with you saying "I want to just forgive her and FORGET her." Mainly, I just wish I could forget. I wish I could have the lessons I'm learning about myself without having the memories of the relationship, but that's wishful thinking... .Just take it day by day, we can make it... . 

[bpdspell]

Questioning Faith,

Detachment is a path walked that requires a lot of clearing out of cobwebs, weeds, and scraping the scales from our eyes. Detachment also comes with a lot of stumbling and awkward navigating.

All that's required for success in your detachment journey is your commitment to learning how to accept what is.

It requires a lot of self-forgiveness, personal insight and perhaps some childhood digging to correct any dysfunctional narratives we may still be using to relate to others in relationships. Keep taking care of yourself and keep being honest with your feelings. Ask yourself a lot of "whys". Post here when you are feeling lost and confused.

It helps to not beat up on yourself. It helps not to attack yourself. You deserve to give yourself patience, compassion and kindness.

Your esteem and sense of worth will never be found in a broken place .

And we cannot be validated by people who dislike and struggle with intense shame, self-hate and loathing. They cannot validate themselves so how in the hell can they validate us?

This is BPD. An attachment disorder that severely compromises their capacity to deliver mature reciprocal love. Because of her disorder she cannot trust herself. She is trapped in the narrow doorways of her compromised mind. This is BPD.

Remember this when you are tempted to accept a recycle. It will strengthen you.

Spell

[PhoenixRising15]

It hurts. It hurts to know that it all seems so true.

I think the thing that hurts me so much is hope because of the bread crumbs of validation that I got towards the end.

I told her that when she wronged me, I just wanted it to be acknowledged.  I wanted to know that she knew she hurt me.  I wanted to hear it, and I could forgive.

I beat myself up for months because she wouldn't and then at the end she started to.

I get caught up in the if only's. 

If only I waited a little longer, she'd keep hurting me but at least she'd recognize it.

But my rational self says, "Why would I voluntarily enter into a relationship where I know I would be repeatedly hurt?"

That's something I am looking at.

It still hurts though.

[Ironmanrises]

It hurts. It hurts to know that it all seems so true.

I think the thing that hurts me so much is hope because of the bread crumbs of validation that I got towards the end.

I told her that when she wronged me, I just wanted it to be acknowledged.  I wanted to know that she knew she hurt me.  I wanted to hear it, and I could forgive.

I beat myself up for months because she wouldn't and then at the end she started to.

I get caught up in the if only's. 

If only I waited a little longer, she'd keep hurting me but at least she'd recognize it.

But my rational self says, "Why would I voluntarily enter into a relationship where I know I would be repeatedly hurt?"

That's something I am looking at.

It still hurts though.

In bold.

I know exactly how you feel.

In bold/underlined.

I know exactly what your are referring to... .

You want... .

Lasting acknowledgement... .

That she hurt you.

I know... .

Because... .

I too... .

Want the same... .

From mine.

They will not give us that.

The most... .

They will dispense... .

Is a momentary one.

And we do not want that.

It is not enough.

You want the lasting acknowledgment... .

Because it will give you closure.

I know my friend.

Trust me... .

I know exactly how you feel.

It hurts.

Their inability... .

To give this... .

Stands... .

As a harsh reminder... .

Of the torment... .

We have... .

And are... .

Continuously... .

Undergoing.

The only place left... .

To find that... .

Lasting acknowledgement... .

Is deep... .

Within... .

Ourselves.

That... .

Is where... .

We... .

Will find... .

Our freedom...

From this... .

Nightmare... .

Of anguish.

Hang in there Question.

I struggle with this too.

[PhoenixRising15]

Thank you all for your support.

I had a big day yesterday.

I was trying to work and I couldnt.  I just kept reading and reading this board trying to find an answer.

Finally, one of my close friends and I started talking, and I cried to him for about two hours.

Then I went to my therapy group, and I said something that clicked with the group leader.

My mother seems to have no capacity for empathy.  She never did, and still doesnt.  It set up a messed up life view, where I seem to find it surprising that a woman could actually have empathy.  The group leader thinks she may possibly have had NPD.

It even manifested itself the other day when I called up my ex-ex (non), whom my exuBPDgf had an obsessive jealousy of, to warn her about any potential interactions.

I eased into the convo, but later told her the whole truth, how abusive my ex was.  I said, "I know, I'm sure you think this is karma right" (since I broke things off with this particular woman due to distance, but it was a decent breakup... .she even told me that I was the nicest breaker-uper-ever =) )

Anyway... .to my absolute complete and utter shock, she said NO NO NO I would never want that to happen to you.

She even has been texting me each day a little just to make sure I'm ok.  I thought she would completely hate me.

My world view is broken.  I used to view it as normal that women weren't empathetic.  I just didn't expect it or consistent love.  Instead, I was supposed to be the caretaker.

The best part is, I had a dream about confronting my ex's new partner last night.  In the dream, I said, look, just treat her well. He looked into my eyes shocked in the dream, and said "wow you actually do love her", and then I turned and walked away.

I actually woke up just after that and consciously thought, holy cow, I'm letting her go.

Now if only I can keep this up =)