Divorce and Grief

[thisyoungdad]

Friday I am meeting with my attorney to go over final documents, and I believe sign them if I don't have any corrections or changes made. I may not be signing we might meet for one final 4-way (we did collaborative and my god it seems to have worked) in the next week or so. Either way suddenly today I was hit with heavy emotional stuff.

I had been feeling like maybe I was letting it go, moving on or whatever. I saw her today to pick up my daughter and it felt very emotionless which is how it has been just recently for me. Our 2 year anniversary would be the 17th of the month. So this evening after my little girl went to bed and I was doing my things for work tomorrow it just hit me. I felt overwhelmed with sadness. I still have my wedding ring in a special box up where I almost never look at it anymore or even think of it. I pulled it down though and sat there looking at it. I wondered what I should do with it. When I look at it or even touch it on one hand I have some pleasant memories and then because of that it is so painful. Part of me wants to give it back to her, but that is mostly because i want her to understand the heartbreak she did to me... .and I know she won't, can't or just doesn't care enough to consider it. I am not sure what it is. Like I want to hurt her back the way she hurt me, but I realize that is not possible and really not who I am nor who I want to be. What did others do with their rings, specifically guys I guess?

I have been working a ton the past couple months, starting about when the one year anniversary of her leaving and all chaos breaking loose was. So I mostly work, have my daughter 50% of the time and try to manage the basic life things. I have a relatively limited social life but I have always had a smaller group of friends and never been huge on a big social life. I am a down to earth family guy more than anything. So maybe that has been a hinderance to healing.

I guess I just feel like I had been making a lot of progress but this just hurts a lot. Part of me wonders if I will ever fully heal or get over the heartbreak of what happened. Especially as my daughter who just turned 3 is starting to become aware we don't live together, and that she has no memories of that. That she misses me when I am not around etc. and she shares these things with me. That makes it so much more painful to me.

I guess I had been feeling like I am so done this is going to be a relief but I am finding myself, at least a small piece of myself not feeling that way and wishing that it wasn't happening and in disbelief she really did divorce me. I really struggle not feeling like a victim because to me she really did leave me, and divorce me, without any good reason what so ever and despite my very best attempts.

[marbleloser]

Sorry you're going through this TYD. It's difficult. I was married for 20 years and it took a bit of getting used to the change.I'll say though,it's been liberating.You'll know the feeling of not having to walk on eggshells.For me,I no longer dread driving into the garage.

Lean on your friends.They'll be more of a help to you than you can imagine.Go out! Have fun! This was something I started to enjoy.I loved meeting new people.

Also,take time for yourself,doing things you want to do,by yourself.Even if it's just relaxing at home.Don't feel guilty for it.

There are some wonderful women in this world and in time,you'll meet them,and you'll see what you've been missing out on all this time.

As for my ring,I kept it.It's a part of my life.20 years of life that I can't deny.It doesn't have a hold on me.Just something I have from the past.My kids like playing with it and trying it on.Maybe one day it will be one of theirs.

[DragoN]

I guess I just feel like I had been making a lot of progress but this just hurts a lot. Part of me wonders if I will ever fully heal or get over the heartbreak of what happened. Especially as my daughter who just turned 3 is starting to become aware we don't live together, and that she has no memories of that. That she misses me when I am not around etc. and she shares these things with me. That makes it so much more painful to me.

I guess I had been feeling like I am so done this is going to be a relief but I am finding myself, at least a small piece of myself not feeling that way and wishing that it wasn't happening and in disbelief she really did divorce me. I really struggle not feeling like a victim because to me she really did leave me, and divorce me, without any good reason what so ever and despite my very best attempts.

Thisyoungdad

Understand, and still need to be strong for your little one. She lost you not the other way around.

[MovingOn311]

Hang in there, its a tough journey for sure.   Its been over a year for me since my divorce.   The first few months were horrendous. Like you, mine left as well without good reason.  It was unexpected and a total shock when I found out that the divorce papers were already in order, and that this was all done in secret behind my back.  It was the biggest slap to my face I've ever experienced.  I mean, this was my wife, the person who I could trust and supposedly share anything with, but obviously, this wasn't the case.  I tried numerous times to talk to her on a mature level asking why she did it and how she could come to such a decision without talking to me first about it.  Well, this got me nowhere.  She was already in full devaluation mode and there was no getting through to her no matter how much I tried.  She also blamed me 100 percent as to why the marriage failed saying I never paid any attention to her and how I was lazy and didnt do my chores       I even apologized to her at one point sincerely for whatever Ive done and the response from her was a smug "okay, apology accepted" in a way that she could care less.  The emotional roller coaster was difficult throughout the whole process of the divorce to say the least. 

But, I ended up going to therapy about a month after the divorce and many of my friends and family helped me through it which I will be forever grateful.  Without them, I would probably still be a total wreck.  I think what really put everything into perspective was all the stories my friends told me about her after the divorce in the way she acted.  My therapist also brought it to my attention that she was either has BPD or NPD.  So after that, I started researching BPD. It was a Eureka effect as alot of the symptoms laid it all out of how the relationship was from beginning to end.  Do I forgive her?... .not a chance in hell.  A friend of mine also brought to my attention how she was cheating on me a few months before we ended up getting the divorce.  At the point he told me this, I was already a year out and it didn't surprise me at all.  I kind of shrugged my shoulders and said to myself, typical BPD behavior at its best.   

At the moment, I'm still single, but at a point where I'm ready to start dating again.  The whole divorce really has changed me personally with everything around me.  I've never lived alone before, but accepted it and actually don't mind it.  I've also got a new job this past year and work with a great group of people who are positive and motivating to be around.  Also ended up being able to refinance the house and get it my name due to my new job, so everything actually kind of worked out.  Things really do happen for a reason even though it may not seem that way when your in the thick of it all.

I wouldn't say I'm fully recovered as I still think about her alot.  Always seems to be at night after I come home after work and the gym when I'm not busy.  I find myself frequently here on the forums reading other peoples stories and posting myself.  I also still have my wedding ring in a drawer locked away.  Emotionally, for me when I look at it, it just reminds me of what she gave up on.  She gave up on having a loving family and a caring and trustworthy partner in life. 

But my advice to you is to keep your head up, surround yourself with family and friends and try to get it off your chest with your friends or even here on the forums.  We've all been through it.  Its very difficult.  Try to put most of your focus on your family, especially your daughter and try to stay positive.  It does and will get better as time goes on, it just takes a little bit to get there.