UBPDS ready to quit his well paid job

[Dibdob59]

My UBPDS29 is dysregulating badly at present and showing poor judgement.

His stressful situation with his ex continues with her blocking his calls and making it impossible for him to speak to her about their 4 year old son.  My DS has his son twice a week and the little one has suddenly been exhibiting challenging behaviour and getting excluded  at his new school which is worrying my son. He feels he needs to ring his ex to discuss this problem of the behaviour as when he picks my GS up it is on the doorstep of his old house and not the time or place for conversation as my GS is standing there listening.  His ex refuses to participate in phone , text or email exchanges and often drags her new boyfriend (who is now living there) into the mix which has a potential for a huge, angry blow up.

My DS has a fairly well paid job.  He hates it as he says it is killing him (he is involved in vehicle and wheel paint spraying) and says his company does not provide the correct health and safety equipment and his lungs are being damaged? I am not sure of this.

In recent angry exchanges his ex has now said she wants more money from him each month, having previously been happy with what he was giving her.  My DS told her he has no more to give and I know for a fact that is true.

He has now said he is going to quit his job and start his own business - he seems unclear what this is going to be.  He is renting a house so has loads of bills to pay each month and I do not feel he is thinking clearly.  He has phoned in sick to work this week.  I am so scared it is all getting to him. I cannot see any way he will be able to earn the kind if money he is getting now by doing something (?) on his own and it won't be steady money.

I am so fearful that he thinks I will give him money when he knows I cannot.  If he loses his house and goes into debt he cannot live here, but I don't feel he is listening, just feeling.  He has no one else in his life, ie no girlfriend which is always a huge issue for him as he feels unloveable.  Big problems looming.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jdtm]

My DS has a fairly well paid job.  He hates it as he says it is killing him (he is involved in vehicle and wheel paint spraying) and says his company does not provide the correct health and safety equipment and his lungs are being damaged? I am not sure of this.

Our ex uBPD DIL seemed to prepare us for her "changing of jobs".  Often, the decision to "leave" was not hers; she gave us the impression that it was.  It could have been an employee she didn't like, or a correction from the boss, or her attendance or whatever.  I'm wondering - is your son preparing everyone just in case he is fired or he might lose his temper at someone and get fired or whatever?

[Sstepdad]

 If his job is not supplying proper protective gear he has a legitimate reason, though may be saying it for an excuse, the  paints and coatings are very toxic before curing.

Its not just lungs they have an effect on the whole nervous system, I do some in my line of work but not full time.

[lbjnltx]

The statements made by people who suffer from BPD usually carry a kernel of truth.

Since you are unsure if his claims of improper protection are true or not could you ask him specifically what he needs to be protected that his company is not providing?

Could you help him if he has a legitimate concern?  ie: look up the OSHA guidelines for his profession.  Try to help him problem solve dibdob.  Show him how it is done and guide him through it with care and concern.


Use the SET format... .supportive statement, empathy statement, truth statement.

I'm concerned that your health is being compromised too and I want to help you.  I wouldn't want to sacrifice my health for a paycheck either.  There are laws in place designed to protect workers in your field so we can start there and see what the next step is to resolve this for you and your co workers.

Here is a link to more information on SET:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Let us know how it goes!

[Dibdob59]

I dont think he is in any trouble at work so am not aware that he may be fired.  He has very low self esteem so if anyone ever has to speak to him about anything work related he sees it as a criticism of him personally.  That has triggered his leaving jobs when he was younger but I have not seen this behaviour for some years.

I am unsure if the company is really not providing the correct H&S equipment although it would not surprise me if they are cutting corners a bit.  My son finds it very hard to communicate clearly or assertively if there are any issues he is unhappy with.  For example, the area manager mentioned that my son should have some steps to allow him to climb in and out of the van (he carries out some wheel repairs on a mobile basis so undertakes some work in the back of the vehicle) but when he mentioned this to his manager the guy said he would get him some at some point but he has no money in the company budget to buy any at the moment.  That was six months ago and he is still waiting for them and causing himself back pain lifting heavy wheels etc in and out of the van.

My son would see that as his manager treating him badly and that would be enough to make him want to leave.  He would not be happy speaking to the manger about this again as by now he would have convinced himself that the manager did not like him and was doing it deliberately to upset him.

[Dibdob59]

lbj

I posted as you did so missed your comments which are valid.

I have discussed this with my son already.  Part of my role as a Business Studies lecturer is advising students and employees about H&S in the workplace and the regulations with which employers have to comply.

My son became agitated and made the company's failure to comply as being personal against him.  I dont even know how much they are failing to complay as it depends upon the materials being used (isocyantes etc).  Becoming agitated is my son's usual reaction as he does anything to avoid confrontation, which is how he would see discussing this matter again with his manager whom he believes does not like him.

I agree that is the appropriate way to handle matters.  I do not know how else to support him as he seems desperate to avoid any contact with this manager.

[lbjnltx]

I understand dibdob.

I have found with my d that if I present things in a way that focuses on helping others she is more willing to problem solve on behalf of others... .and ultimately benefits her as well. 

When you communicate with him are you using validation and SET?

[Dibdob59]

Hi lbj

I have read carefully the SET phrasing in your previous post and will attempt to speak to him again using SET. 

Perhaps I am being dense but in what way could I present this whereby he would be helping others

[lbjnltx]

Hi lbj

I have read carefully the SET phrasing in your previous post and will attempt to speak to him again using SET. 

Perhaps I am being dense but in what way could I present this whereby he would be helping others

It stands to reason that if his health is in jeopardy then the health of his co workers is also.

[Dibdob59]

Oh I see

Unfortunately he is the only person there who does that particular job

Thanks

[Dibdob59]

It appears that I may be too late to stop him resigning. 

I have just received a text message saying he has sorted a new job as he is going to run a franchise cleaning company?

How he can be planning this I don't know - I assume it will require an investment and he has no money. 

I am so concerned that he is going to ask me or someone in the family for money to start this business.  He will not take the refusal well and we have been down this road with him before.

This does not feel good.  Ugh!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders