1 Month of No Contact & Healing - hope this inspires you

[hopealways]

So it is officially 1 month I have gone with no contact of my BPD ex girlfriend and I already feel better, a LOT better.  I remember frantically searching for a therapist 6 months ago when we broke up (again) - I was a mess. I had no idea what BPD was, and thought I was the one with the problem.  I eventually learned about BPD and knew 100% this was her condition and all the red flags I had ignored now started making sense. Her tumultuous past relationships, her leaving her ex after 4 years and moving in with a new guy after a week, her anxiety attacks, her verbal and physical abuse, her constant feelings of emptiness, her impulsiveness. I thought I could fix her, help her.  Not a chance.  She went to one meeting with my psychiatrist and never went back.  5 months later, after she choked me twice in 2 weeks (I could never hit her back even though she told me I should) I had had enough.  I stood up to her - finally - told her all that was on my mind, how she had treated me so poorly all this time when all I did was show her kindness, love and compassion.  She just stood there and looked at me.  I told her to leave (she has her own apartment).  I never looked back.

I now know I sought therapy 6 months ago because I subconsciously knew it would come to this.  I feel good these days-sometimes great for a few seconds, then back to just good.  But I am getting better every day. Here is what I have done and not done this past month-I hope it helps you, my dear friends:

1. Threw away all her hair/skin care products so they wouldn't remind me of her

2. Have not checked up on her on any social media

3. No contact with our mutual friends

4. Sold the car I got her (to a girl who actually has a job unlike my BPDex and who took a cab to pick up the car after she had paid for it instead of using a friend to give her a ride-yes I notice these things now because my BPDex used EVERYBODY)

5. I do not party, all it would do was mask the pain temporarily and I would feel worse once I got back home

6. No sex: I have told myself I will do it once I feel ready, but now I am not and it may make me feel worse afterwards because I would be comparing her to my BPDex

7. Spend lots of time with myself-this is very important! I actually have started enjoying time alone and I do not feel lonely.  This is essential to healing our core wounds from childhood which is the reason why we were attracted to the BPD in the first place

8. Cleared the clutter around my house

9. Go to the gym regularly-exercise really helps your endorphin level and self esteem

10. FINALLY, WHENEVER I START MISSING HER I REMIND MYSELF THAT IT IS NOT HER WHO I AM MISSING, IT IS THE LACK OF LOVE I HAD AS A CHILD THAT I MISS, WHICH SHE MANIFESTED, AND WHICH I AM HEALING, FINALLY, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE. There is always a positive result to a very bad situation and this is the result in mine.

Sure I could go on and on about the hell she put me through.  Looking back I think everything she did was a lie, all manipulations.  She even used that word many times, one time saying she "was the only person who could manipulate her ex".  So sick these people are.  And the longer we keep them in our lives the more of their sickness is absorbed by us.  But I am looking ahead. With each day I am regaining my old self. I have noticed my skin is brighter, my muscles are more toned, and that sparkle in my eye is starting to come back.  It will come back for you as well. 

[Ironmanrises]

So it is officially 1 month I have gone with no contact of my BPD ex girlfriend and I already feel better, a LOT better.  I remember frantically searching for a therapist 6 months ago when we broke up (again) - I was a mess. I had no idea what BPD was, and thought I was the one with the problem.  I eventually learned about BPD and knew 100% this was her condition and all the red flags I had ignored now started making sense. Her tumultuous past relationships, her leaving her ex after 4 years and moving in with a new guy after a week, her anxiety attacks, her verbal and physical abuse, her constant feelings of emptiness, her impulsiveness. I thought I could fix her, help her.  Not a chance.  She went to one meeting with my psychiatrist and never went back.  5 months later, after she choked me twice in 2 weeks (I could never hit her back even though she told me I should) I had had enough.  I stood up to her - finally - told her all that was on my mind, how she had treated me so poorly all this time when all I did was show her kindness, love and compassion.  She just stood there and looked at me.  I told her to leave (she has her own apartment).  I never looked back.

I now know I sought therapy 6 months ago because I subconsciously knew it would come to this.  I feel good these days-sometimes great for a few seconds, then back to just good.  But I am getting better every day. Here is what I have done and not done this past month-I hope it helps you, my dear friends:

1. Threw away all her hair/skin care products so they wouldn't remind me of her

2. Have not checked up on her on any social media

3. No contact with our mutual friends

4. Sold the car I got her (to a girl who actually has a job unlike my BPDex and who took a cab to pick up the car after she had paid for it instead of using a friend to give her a ride-yes I notice these things now because my BPDex used EVERYBODY)

5. I do not party, all it would do was mask the pain temporarily and I would feel worse once I got back home

6. No sex: I have told myself I will do it once I feel ready, but now I am not and it may make me feel worse afterwards because I would be comparing her to my BPDex

7. Spend lots of time with myself-this is very important! I actually have started enjoying time alone and I do not feel lonely.  This is essential to healing our core wounds from childhood which is the reason why we were attracted to the BPD in the first place

8. Cleared the clutter around my house

9. Go to the gym regularly-exercise really helps your endorphin level and self esteem

10. FINALLY, WHENEVER I START MISSING HER I REMIND MYSELF THAT IT IS NOT HER WHO I AM MISSING, IT IS THE LACK OF LOVE I HAD AS A CHILD THAT I MISS, WHICH SHE MANIFESTED, AND WHICH I AM HEALING, FINALLY, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE. There is always a positive result to a very bad situation and this is the result in mine.

Sure I could go on and on about the hell she put me through.  Looking back I think everything she did was a lie, all manipulations.  She even used that word many times, one time saying she "was the only person who could manipulate her ex".  So sick these people are.  And the longer we keep them in our lives the more of their sickness is absorbed by us.  But I am looking ahead. With each day I am regaining my old self. I have noticed my skin is brighter, my muscles are more toned, and that sparkle in my eye is starting to come back.  It will come back for you as well. 

Very inspirational hope.

In bold.

I know it wasnt easy... .

To get to that.

Keep healing buddy.

[hopealways]

Thank you ironman-the quote you put at your footer is interesting "Congratulations ... .you lost me". The reason it is interesting is because she always told me "sometimes I feel like I have to lose you to realize that you were all I ever wanted." 

[Changingman]

Love this post, Demons they are. I'm training to get fit, still have sexual distrust about myself because of her, she still comes into my head when sexual. I'm taking it easy with girls, when ready. She did quite a job on me and is totally in denial. no contact coming up 3 months.

[heartandwhole]

hopealways,

A really inspiring post, thank you for sharing what is working for you.  I think it's helpful for all of us on this board.  I'm so glad that you are taking care of you, and reaping the benefits.  

I understand the comparison of your ex to a predator, it makes sense, given what you experienced.  A predator does what it has been programmed to do to survive.  But don't we all do that, to some degree?  Just because what I did in the relationship was deemed "kind" (by me) and what my pwBPD did wasn't, doesn't mean that we weren't both reacting automatically (from childhood programming) to ensure our "survival."

Sure, my behavior looked like giving.  But I wanted something, too.  I wanted him to make me whole with his love and adoration, to need me, to make me feel something that I didn't. (Quite impossible, as we all know)  In my opinion, it's not so different from what he wanted from me.  We may have gone about it in different ways, but we both used unskillful learned coping strategies to try to get what we wanted.  And it hurt like hell when it didn't work.  :'(

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

hopealways,


Sure, my behavior looked like giving.  But I wanted something, too.  I wanted him to make me whole with his love and adoration, to need me, to make me feel something that I didn't. (Quite impossible, as we all know)  In my opinion, it's not so different from what he wanted from me.  We may have gone about it in different ways, but we both used unskillful learned coping strategies to try to get what we wanted.  And it hurt like hell when it didn't work.  :'(

Yes, this. This I need to remember.

And as the days go by, from Sept 30th, eleven days now, I can see I am getting better.

My mind is still filled so often with thoughts of him, but I am learning how to stop the thoughts quickly (most of the time... .) so they don't turn into major misery-fests and make me feel worse and worse again.

The best thing is that feeling of standing on solid ground, that he is no longer re-defining our relaitonship over and again so that I never know what is going on and he is no longer telling me each time he redefines it that it was me who had misunderstood so that I felt I must be going insane and losing my reason.

It really helps having posts like the OP from people further along the path than I am, to keep on reminding me.

Weekends are when pretty much all the contact from him has come in since I started trying to sever contact on August 23rd, and it's also when my supportive friends are least online, so I'm always aware that I am more anxious and dwelling on it all on Fridays to Mondays, but I'm trying just to find things to distract myself somehow. Anything, watching tv, trying to choose comedies, trying to sing out loud, trying to make myself be sociable a little, trying to do anything that isn't sitting alone and thinking obsessively about it all.

Posts like the OP help me stay strong about that. My ex has imparted a load of meaning to the day 'Friday' when actually the only meaning it should hold for me is that yesterday was Thursday and tomorrow is Saturday. I need to strip that unreal 'meaning' from the day so that it ceases to be "oh God, will I hear from him this weekend? Do I want to? Will he go back to being loving? Will he still be trying to insult me and failing? Is he happier with my Replacement? Why can I not just block his emails? Why am I still craving contact? Why do I confuse 'attention' with 'affection'?"

So... .staying strong leads to a healthier outcome over time. With each day of NC.

[hopealways]

hopealways,

A really inspiring post, thank you for sharing what is working for you.  I think it's helpful for all of us on this board.  I'm so glad that you are taking care of you, and reaping the benefits.  

I understand the comparison of your ex to a predator, it makes sense, given what you experienced.  A predator does what it has been programmed to do to survive.  But don't we all do that, to some degree?  Just because what I did in the relationship was deemed "kind" (by me) and what my pwBPD did wasn't, doesn't mean that we weren't both reacting automatically (from childhood programming) to ensure our "survival."

Sure, my behavior looked like giving.  But I wanted something, too.  I wanted him to make me whole with his love and adoration, to need me, to make me feel something that I didn't. (Quite impossible, as we all know)  In my opinion, it's not so different from what he wanted from me.  We may have gone about it in different ways, but we both used unskillful learned coping strategies to try to get what we wanted.  And it hurt like hell when it didn't work.  :'(

I am so glad this has inspired you.  Let me tell you why I think the non BPD is NOT guilty of being the same as the BPD: it's okay to want love in return for showing love.  That is normal and human.  Being a predator is not normal.  An emotional predator takes your love to make themselves feel better and couldn't care less about how you feel.  They are incapable of showing love, or empathy.  And they refuse to do anything to change.  In fact, they get satisfaction when they cause you to feel pain because they feel they have achieved their goal and it validates them.  I seriously doubt this was your thought process, but it is definitely how your BPDx thought.  So you are not guilty in any way of being the same as your BPDx in this regard.  You are normal, he has a mental illness.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

An emotional predator takes your love to make themselves feel better and couldn't care less about how you feel.  They are incapable of showing love, or empathy.  And they refuse to do anything to change.  In fact, they get satisfaction when they cause you to feel pain because they feel they have achieved their goal and it validates them.  I seriously doubt this was your thought process, but it is definitely how your BPDx thought.  So you are not guilty in any way of being the same as your BPDx in this regard.  You are normal, he has a mental illness.

My opinion is that my BPD-ex-bf suffered terribly when he caused me pain. He spoke at times of his immense guilt, his shame at being "how I am" and how much he wishes he "wasn't like this" and that the reason we could not have a relationship was because "it doesn't matter that I love you - I would always hurt you, I would always end up hurting you".

He knows something is wrong - he just doesn't know what, and seems to think he is just doomed to suddenly switch personalities and behave like a complete git. He is deeply troubled, deeply confused, and very very very deeply ashamed of his behaviour.

None of that stops him behaving like that - but I don't think he does it without paying a price in increased self-loathing, self-despising and self-shame.

He has in the past been treated successfully for a depressive condition called dysthymia, and the way he's behaved in the last 15 months suggests strongly that this came back last winter and in some people, untreated as this was, it can then become cyclothymia, a form of bipolar disorder with less extreme (but still present) manic episodes.

I think between the BPD and the cyclothymia, his head is such a permanent chemical-explosion that he has very little self-awareness.

He reacts, without thought. Almost always, just reacts - like the four-year-old child his emotional age is.

I think he is dangerous, toxic, damaging, destructive, and any number of negative qualities like that.

But I don't agree with the idea that Cluster B Personality Disorders are "predatory", nor as some people say "Evil".

I think they are dangerous, but I think when untreated and undiagnosed they are barely sane. In fact, I think BPD is one of the conditions that criminal courts have in some cases adjudged to meet the criteria for "guilty but insane" for major crimes. Not uniformly, but in some cases.

To be honest, what I'm slowly having to accept is that it doesn't matter what he HAS and it doesn't matter what his MOTIVES were - what matters is why the hell I accepted his behaviour as an acceptable way for me to be treated.

What has to matter to me more than anything else is why I stayed with it so long.

And that MUST matter to me more than anything about him. Until it does, completely, 100%, then I am still 'infected' with the pathogen of delusional love.

And I am determined someday to be healthy. Far healthier than I was before I met him, when I allowed myself to get into that kind of toxic codependent relationship.

[AliveButBeatup]

Thanks for the post hopealways. It made me realize the things I need to get in order.  I am at the beginning stages of the journey you have been on for the past month.  Too much clutter at my house. I need to start exercising again.  Loneliness is here, but my two cats sure seem excited to have their dad back.  I am working on my self-esteem so the next go round of a relationship will be much healthier.

ABB

[eeyore]

great thread.  I have to come back to it --I can hardly keep my eyes open at the moment.  I still struggle with sleeping but am getting better.  So I have to get any sleep that comes my way. 

[hopealways]

My BPDx also said "I am afraid I will hurt you" and "I am troubled".  So interesting how similar the BPD are. My friends, do not look at this journey as a sad one or a happy one, it is simply a journey. But, unlike your ex, you will come back healed and better than before.  I went to a friend's birthday tonight, made new friends, laughed. Sure I wondered where she might be tonight, that's natural, but the wondering becomes less and less and the attention to self becomes more and more. I know that soon I will look back and perhaps laugh at myself for having even allowed myself to get into this mess in the first place.  I do not have sympathy for her, and you don't need to either.  We showed them love, compassion, we offered them therapy with the best psychiatrists, they refuse to heal. At some point we must say enough is enough - which is what I did - and rebuild.  Remain positive, believe in yourself. This too shall pass.

One thing I would like to note is that when we have broken up with normal people the pain is nowhere as harsh and the recovery nowhere as difficult even though the normal person was so much better for us than the BPD.  This should tell you something: that the pain has nothing to do with missing her and everything to do with reminders of our painful loveless childhood.  Heal that, and you will live an amazing and happy life for once.

[casey1099]

What a great post! Incredibly inspirational. I have just broken up with a woman I married in April. We have been together off and one, for a little over 2 years. Things had gotten much better. The rages were every 6 weeks instead of once a week. But instability and rages were still there. (Non refundable tickets are a fantasy in my life!) So I am hoping I can stay with this even if she returns for a recycle... .wish me luck.

[hopealways]

What a great post! Incredibly inspirational. I have just broken up with a woman I married in April. We have been together off and one, for a little over 2 years. Things had gotten much better. The rages were every 6 weeks instead of once a week. But instability and rages were still there. (Non refundable tickets are a fantasy in my life!) So I am hoping I can stay with this even if she returns for a recycle... .wish me luck.

Casey, I think I know what you mean about the non refundable tickets! I could never plan a trip with her in advance without trying to get refundable tickets because her rages and breakups were constant. Once 2 nights before we were to leave for a trip together she got into another of her rages and I exited the car I had bought her after she dropped me off at my home, I looked back as she drove away and I literally fell on my knees on the asphalt in front of my house, put my head down and sobbed - feelings of sadness, confusion, anger, betrayal consumed me.  Then I saw at the corner of my eye my neighbor walking towards me with his dog and I said to myself "what the heck am I doing in this relationship I need out" - that was the beginning of the end and soon after that I realized what BPD was.  I envied people who took trips with their girlfriends who are normal!  But my envy has turned to positivity because I know once I heal myself, I will attract those normal girls instead of the sick ones.  I truly believe if you are healed they will not return because they are drawn to us only when they sense that we are vulnerable.

Keep up the good work Casey! It does get better.  Three steps forward, one step back = you are still 2 steps ahead : )