Friendships and trust

[Breathing new air]

I was driving to work today thankful for the people in my life and how many wonderful friends I have gained in the last few years. Ones that will be there no matter what. I love them as they are and they love me as I am. They have gotten to know me and actually like what they see. Weird, I do still hear the voice in my head saying I am no good and crazy. And that I needed to be careful of everyone "for my own good.' Life is different.

This only happened when I distanced myself from mom. I never understood how much she cut everyone off from other people. I actually had a  moment where I thought about how she used to tell me the only one that would be there for me and care was family. That other people would only hurt me. Then there was the message that if you took time for someone else, you did not love her enough.  I have set boundaries for her now that say when we are in public I will talk to others. But I finally understood how isolated I was. How much I was taught I could only trust the inner circle. Funny it was the inner circle that was hurting me. Only when I was outside it could I see the truth.

What messages did everyone else get? I was mom's "best friend". Her caretaker ect. But when I look now I see how she eroded my trust in the world. That and the chaos and dysfunction of our home. Does anyone else struggle with really believing that this new normal really is normal? That friends will care about you, that people are not all good or all bad, they are just people.  That it is ok to be a part and that even if you that you can still care?    My fleas. I struggle but I see that all this is true. So my question, when you find yourself having the old tapes and voices go off. What do you do to still them? And how have you learned to build relationships?

[zone out]

Hi Breathing new air

This is an interesting thread.  I am thankful now for teenage rebellion - when I was young I always rebelled completely against all my mother's attempts to influence me with her warped ideas. It was almost like I formed an outer shell and she just couldn't get through to me... .so all her talk about 'bad people being just about everywhere I wanted to go' fell on deaf ears and I grew up open and trusting allbeit with bad nerves and a desire to keep the peace at all costs!

With regard to friends, I have noticed it is more than a coincidence that most of the closest friends I have and have had in my lifetime have also had difficult relationships with a parent.  So there is an inherent degree of empathy and understanding between us.

Its all part of a long process I suppose, coming to terms with our past.  Breathing new air - you sound like you have come a long way already. 

[GreenMango]

Enmeshment can really drag a relationship down... .especially when its those messages from parents.

I actually had a moment where I thought about how she used to tell me the only one that would be there for me and care was family. That other people would only hurt me. Then there was the message that if you took time for someone else, you did not love her enough.

It's really cool to read this.  That's her fears.  They don't have to be yours.

It reminds me of that book that came out awhile back about the lies teachers tell - mostly about school subjects history and such.  We get taught all kinds of lessons and some are total BS.  It's great as an adult to learn a deferent perspective.

[Breathing new air]

Enmeshment can really drag a relationship down... .especially when its those messages from parents.

GreenMango-- I totally agree. It is so different to learn how to deal with people without the enmeshment. It is really an adventure.  I have to admit, my first instinct is to got there but I can usually step back pretty quickly and say wait. The more I do teh easier it is getting. 

Depending on the day the message is more loud than others.

Zone out-- Funny how everyone has such a different experience but when it comes down to it so similar. I find the same thing with my close friends. That there was difficulty with parental relations also. Be it enmeshment or the opposite. I find both are very hurtful and shape us.

I think it is the long process of coming to terms with the past. I have really found that I spent so long coming to terms with everything, but the lightbulb and real progress happened when I started dealing with my mother and our issues.