Do I really want her to be happy?

[Afool]

I like to tell myself that I seriously do hope she is happy in life. In reality, I feel like I'm lying to myself, and truthfully, don't want her to be happy. I know it is very petty, childish and immature to wish unhappiness on someone, but I can't help it right now. There is a feeling that I have mirrored her lack of empathy and that scares me. The really messed up part is that I still have a lot of love for her. I am having trouble telling myself that she will never change. I left her, and had all the reasons in the world to move on. Even did it pretty early on. The thing that gets me, is she was like my best friend. Sure, she was crazy, she really was, but goddamit I loved it when she 'loved' me. It's sad to think about when all the pieces of the puzzle come together and you realize that this is why she was so off. Why she was scalding hot and icey cold. I can't just label her with the BPD stamp and say move on. I don't really have a choice, but I still can't convince myself that I'm better off without her. Unfortunately, she would never give me the respect to let her know how I ever truly feel, I realize that is why she has to NOT care.

[Ironmanrises]

No.

Not at the expense of mine.

Mine knew what she was doing.

And... .

Still hurt me regardless.

Twice.

[laelle]

You have not mirrored her lack of empathy or you would never even be questioning yourself here... .

Why is this a question?  You feel how you feel... . Some days I hope mine is well and on other days I hope he is at the bottom of a lake somewhere. (both are ok)

Either way I have no control over how he is "really" doing.

Are you trying to say that you do not want her to be happy without you in her life because you need validation that you made her life better, or do you want her to feel the misery and pain she caused you?

What I am wondering is how you can think that and in the next breath question whether you are better off without her?  She caused you pain and misery.  You are having to question your own core values to convince yourself that you meant something to her.

What do you think?  She caused you pain and doubt.  Love isnt like that... . Not even close.

[Afool]

Well, I guess what I really want is for her to be happy with me in her life. I'm basically having delusions of grandeur. Her first response to anything heavy was "I'm not changing" fast and immediate. It was something I could tell she has been saying her whole life. Maybe I do want some validation. Leaving her couldn't feel much worse than it does right now. I know I'm not gonna get it, and maybe in some ways I have. But I just want to know that I wasn't an insignificant name on a list like the insignificant lists of goals she writes down daily but never ever ever follows through with.

[laelle]

Afool... .  You don't need her to tell you your worth.  Who cares if she feels that you made her happier than anyone else ever had or not?  They are crazy, and do not have a clue of what happiness even is.  My ex is not happy without a video game...   I was little more than an object such as his favorite video game. 

You loved her, you stayed even when you hurt so bad you bled.  You are hurting even now.  YOU know that you are someone special and that you loved this woman.

She was just too insane to be able to appreciate it.  Take some time and heal up, then you can start looking for someone else who can appreciate and love all those wonderful things about you.

Just because we sacrificed everything and everything we are for them, doesnt mean we win.  The only way we can win with someone with BPD is to walk away.

Crazy + normal = Crazy

[bauers220]

I can add here... .I understand those feelings... .Know this... .she will NOT feel better without you... .the next relationship will not automatically be "normal" and happy.  If she presents otherwise she is only lying.  They were disordered before us... .they will continue to be disordered.

Your self worth was damaged because of her actions.  This can be a bitter sweet process if you let it.  She has shown you what you are not giving yourself.  When you truly love, validate and accept who you are - you no longer need those things to come from another person - especially a disordered person.  She needs to paint you black to keep the mask on that she wears... .she is running a victim pattern and everyone else always lets her down... .she has yet to find what she is looking for.  In short - she needs to find those same things within herself and without professional help she will not find them - and will never be healthy enough for a decent relationship with ANY human being.

Work on loving yourself.

Work on forgiving yourself

Work on being kind to yourself

Learn to find the moments in life that matter... .

YOu are worth it - I promise!   

[HarmKrakow]

Do I really want her to be happy.

I read that sentence and I thought, maybe you should try to focus your important energy elsewhere.

[alliance]

My experience is that the stages of detachment are not a smooth and linear thing. We bounce around as we gain and absorb more insight.

As for my ex being happy? Some days I wish her well and hope she finds someone who can make her happy. Some days, I wish she would either go get help or remove herself from the dating arena so she doesn't mess up another unsuspecting persons life. Some days I wish I had a voodoo doll of her so I could poke her when I remember something awful she did or said to me.

It's a process. Honor the process. Eventually the ex becomes less important as we become more important.

And, be gentle with yourself.

[snappafcw]

I think the hardest thing for me is the "heart over logic" situation still... .

Logic = Her behavior will not change, she will still fall into the same patterns... .This makes me have sympathy for her and I really wish her happiness and to find peace... .but then my emotions get the better of me at times... .

Heart = I take it personally, It was malicious, she left because she thought she could do better and is riding off into the sunset... .I feel sour grapes... .

The more that time has moved on the heart detaches and I see it from the logical point of view... .I'm still very hurt but their are deeper issues... .

[laelle]

Of course you will have sour grapes snapp.  Just because they are sick doesnt mean we have to be the "bigger" person and turn off our feelings.  :)idnt we already do that too much in the relationship?  Look where that got us.  She hurt you and it sucks.  It was wrong and unfair.  It is good that you see her for what she is now rather than find out in 5 year when you are married, have children, and are being mentally abused and alienated.  I know it doesnt feel like it now, but you will be thankful later that her mirror cracked and she had to move on.  :)istance yourself from her chaos and begin to put your life back together.

I began to feel better at 3 months NC and now at 7 months I know I did the best that I could to keep the relationship together, it was simply doomed for failure based on his and my FOO.  I wish it was different and could change it, but I cant.  I have cried over what could not be (emotionally) and I have accepted that life blows sometimes (logically)  It will get better... .you will see.

[Century2012]

Well, I felt that way.

When I heard about the rebound, I wanted it to fail miserably. It probably will. But, then I let it go.

They are people with feelings ... .they are in pain. I do want him to be happy now. He has so much sadness and pain. And it has the added benefit of letting me truly healed by letting go of the anger.

[hopealways]

No.

Not at the expense of mine.

Mine knew what she was doing.

And... .

Still hurt me regardless.

Twice.

I couldn't have said it better myself, Ironman.

[DragoN]

They are people with feelings ... .they are in pain. I do want him to be happy now. He has so much sadness and pain. And it has the added benefit of letting me truly healed by letting go of the anger.

A person that hates him/her/ self can never find happiness nor inner peace. I have seen that in my SO. It's tragic. He knows and does nothing about it. It's everyone else's fault

He is a black hole of a void at the core. I know that because he was screaming it at me at the top of his lungs one day when I walked through the door after I came home from work. It was another of those surreal moments which made no sense whatsoever and it was my fault for existing.

I wish him clarity, because when that hits, which it never will, he will be in 1000X more pain than he already is. I worry about wishing ill, as the Karma bus tends to back over those that do.

[Afool]

Yeah, everyone makes good points. Last night I think I was just in one of those funks. I had a couple beers, which was a mistake, but I had to get out of the house for a while. It turned into a pity party. It's been just under two weeks since NC began and I'm starting to feel better. Alcohol sets it back. Addiction is my lifelong adversary... .When you guys say be kind to yourself, I really feel like drinking is not being kind to myself. I'll immediately want to put on the headphones and listen to every heartbreaking song I can think of. I'm gonna make a promise to myself to stop doing that. The real test comes when I go back to her city in two weeks for a concert. Just gotta keep my head on and have some fun with some of my best friends... .It's slowly but surely hitting me that this is going to be a permanent thing. In time, I hope I feel better.