Is it acceptable to warn your Replacement?

[bombdiffuser]

The same energy is better spent telling your single friends about BPD, so that people you care about are not hurt in the same way.

[AliveButBeatup]

The same energy is better spent telling your single friends about BPD, so that people you care about are not hurt in the same way.

That sounds like a reasonable response... .  I like it.

ABB

[Tricky]

Nice one, bombdefuser, I like your thinking. Seems your name is very apt!

There's been quite a divergence of opinion on this post, and it's made me think about quite a lot more than just the simple question I originally posed.

But with regard to the question: if I should ever meet my replacement I would have to mention BPD- he can do with that information what he will. No big discussion, just a simple fact passed on. Maybe it'll help someone not end up here! Maybe not.

I would have appreciated a heads up, and wish I'd spoken to her friends/family more (I never got to be alone with them for long) so that I could have discovered some of her lies earlier and been able to make better informed decisions. Unfortunately I'm not a psychiatrist.

It seems the 2 camps on this question are divided by their view on how much they were 'responsible' for falling in love and staying with a pwBPD.  :)ivided between those who see themselves as 'normal' well adjusted people who were duped and manipulated by a 'mad' person, and those who see themselves as previously 'damaged' and therefore almost  inevitably attracted to an even more damaged mind. The latter seem to be more concerned with personal issue solving as a long term path, the former with getting back to normal.

Just saying!  Hope no one is offended by this little analysis.

[DragoN]

Good analysis.

For me personally, the info would have been appreciated. I may not have listened to it initially, but it would have helped me "connect the dots" while in the relationship. That is where you start seeing through the lies and manipulation. It is another data point that helps you piece it together.  Early on in our relationship, I met her second oldest son (about 25) at a location we had to fly to that was an unexpected visit. He looked at his mother and said stay away from me in want nothing to do with you. You are crazy.  My first reaction was what a crappy 25 year old son paying no respect to his mother.  Wrong!  Kid had it dead on in hindsight. And then there was the 28 year old daughter who told me to run and not look back in a text message.  She too is no longer talking to her mother.  The data points start adding up.  It helps with the validation you do in fact have your sanity.

BPD comes in 256 + variants and co morbid with other disorders. Pretty hard to know what you are dealing with. Can't save the world, but if I can spare another the crap I went through, great. It's still her choice what she does with the information.

Not to mention the children that are born in such a situation.

[HarmKrakow]

Good analysis.

For me personally, the info would have been appreciated. I may not have listened to it initially, but it would have helped me "connect the dots" while in the relationship. That is where you start seeing through the lies and manipulation. It is another data point that helps you piece it together.  Early on in our relationship, I met her second oldest son (about 25) at a location we had to fly to that was an unexpected visit. He looked at his mother and said stay away from me in want nothing to do with you. You are crazy.  My first reaction was what a crappy 25 year old son paying no respect to his mother.  Wrong!  Kid had it dead on in hindsight. And then there was the 28 year old daughter who told me to run and not look back in a text message.  She too is no longer talking to her mother.  The data points start adding up.  It helps with the validation you do in fact have your sanity.

BPD comes in 256 + variants and co morbid with other disorders. Pretty hard to know what you are dealing with. Can't save the world, but if I can spare another the crap I went through, great. It's still her choice what she does with the information.

Not to mention the children that are born in such a situation.

Exactly, her choice what she does with the information. So if she would start a smear campaign because your acting jealous and bitter and need to get over it because you shove a opinion to them could be ss likely as a pat on the shoulders saying thanks for saving me from this horrible person.

I truly think it's a cultural difference between us why we completely 180 degrees differ on this subject. I respect everyone's opinion, but i will never critize someone I don't know out of some greater believe as myself that I could save a soul. There are also BPD relationships which do work.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but people shouldn't bring that across to others who don't ask for it in real life.

[DragoN]

Definitely disagree with you on this and that's fine. 

Would not be a smear campaign, that's a PD thing to do. If by some strange bad luck I met my replacement? To slip her a note with "Borderline Personality Disorder learn about it" and leave, hardly constitutes a campaign. Might save her children and financial ruin. And years of healing from betrayal... .maybe. Maybe not.

[wrigley52]

I didn't know about BPD at the time but tried to tell my replacement he was lying to her and to me. He told her I was a roommate and that he didn't have a girlfriend. He lied to me told me it was all over with her and kept her on the side. So I confronted her and told her I was his fiance she backed off for about a week but he must of told her something else and then I found a secret cell phone and found out they had 3 dates and she was telling him she loved him when confronted again. So I kicked him out and they are together. But she must be doubting him cause I got a text from her asking if I had spoken to him lately so I placed a little doubt in her head... .all I can say is good luck you will need it

Wrigley 52

[Tricky]

Cultural differences, HarmKrkow? Don't really understand.

How can a compassionate simple action of passing on some otherwise unknowable piece of information to someone who should really know be construed as being a problem? Compassionate is the important qualification in that sentence - if it's motivated by jealousy or bitterness that's a different thing.

Surely you wouldn't let someone walk into an unmarked minefield without warning them, even if you think they might get thru without being blown up?

Think we might have to agree to disagree!

[Waifed]

I did and all it got me was a new black paint job and a phone call from the police!  NC with all involved since.  Still struggle almost daily after about 2 months but I will survive and better days lie ahead somewhere outside the fog.

[Waifed]

I would not do it.  As we know, our exes are expert liars and manipulators.  Your ex has probably already blamed you for the past breakup.  Your ex's new lover (aka: future member on this board) has already been told that it was all your fault, and would likely not believe any warning you offer.  Plus, if the new person is not being devalued yet, they are probably enjoying some pretty good sex.  And, sadly, that is hard to give up.  And, I personally do not want to ever see my ex's new boy toy.  To heck with him.  


Fiddlestix

LMFAO.  Thanks, I needed that today!

[Learning_curve74]

I fully 100% understand the feeling of wanting to do so, warn the next one, but what do you have to gain? If you truly don't care what the partner thinks of you anyway, and all you want is your conscience to be clean, why not work on yourself and let it go?

Nothing to gain. Spare another the pain? Requires no effort whatsoever.

Not everybody needs a warning to avoid the pain; not everybody is susceptible to BPD charms.

While not every BPD relationship involves all the same exact behaviors, I bet at least one of these red flags was part of 99.9% of the relationships we read about on the forums here: raging, violence/physical abuse, lying, gaslighting, triangulation, cheating, alcoholism, drug abuse, silent treatment, black/white thinking. Many healthy adults will not put up with any one of these in a prospective partner.

[Changingman]

Why would anyone listen to you when they have a P***y permanantly on them, and wild eyes saying such sweet lies to them. Only one way to know what we know, from the inside. If what we know and tell them was true... .well... .that would make our ex's ... .mentally ill?

Who would believe THAT?

[Waifed]

I warned the guy my ex cheated with with an email. I was clearly out of my mind when I sent it. Even though he lives overseas I figured they were still talking. I did it more for myself than anything else even though I was hoping he could talk her into getting help. I knew it would put a final nail in the coffin for our relationship. He forwarded it to her about a week later.  This was 2 weeks after the breakup and she was still texting me every other day like clockwork. When she received the forwarded email from him she lost it. The next day I received a call from the police asking me to never contact her friends or her again. It has made NC much easier.

If I had it all to do over again I would not have sent it. It served no purpose.  She is totally convinced I am the crazy one.  She will never accept that she has MAJOR issues. It's best to just move on especially since you have no plans of a future with your ex.   

[Waifed]

Well, there doesn't seem to be a consensus here!

If an ex of hers had said to me, "She's BPD, look it up and learn" I would have been shocked and probably dismissed it as sour grapes, esp as very early in our r/s she vilified all her exes and portrayed herself as strong and independent(!).

But it would have preyed on my mind, and I would at some point (the 1st time she cheated?) have gone online and investigated. Maybe I would have baled out then and saved myself so much grief and pain. Or maybe I would have found help about coping with her illness and made the r/s work. Either of these options would have been better than what I allowed to happen thru ignorance and hope that her random emotions/behavior would change with time and support from me.

I only became aware of BPD when I received excellent psychiatric treatment following her horrific suicide attempt. It took the professionals 10 minutes to assess that her behavior was typical BPD, and that I had been dealing with an illness wrapped in a beautiful body. It was not just her being selfish or difficult or unaware, it was a serious illness beyond her control. I am now paying the price for my ignorance.

Don't know whether a warning would have helped, and what has happened can't be changed, but what chance did I have without one? I bumbled into a disaster area.

I agree. I would have liked to have known even though I wouldn't believe it. I would have read about it and monitored the situation accordingly. 

[Turkish]

I agree. I would have liked to have known even though I wouldn't believe it. I would have read about it and monitored the situation accordingly.  

well, I  did almost figure it out a little over a year into our relationship,  on my own,  but I dismissed it as being to crazy,  no pun intended. I  kept telling myself, " she has some type of personality disorder... . what is it?"  one or two things didn't quite fit,  so I  was like "nawww."

almost five years and two kids later,  here I  am. I  don't think it would have made a  difference. BPD  isn't mainstream enough to elicit a red flag like schizophrenia  or sociopathy.  pretty sad since BPD and BPD  behaviors are far more common.

[zkirtz]

my two cents: do not feel guilty about not doing so.

I was advised not to by my predecessor and I laughed at it. I guess no one would listen. Everyone has a right to discover his own pains.

[goldylamont]

i wouldn't go out of my way to do it, at the same time if the opportunity arose and i felt like i could pass on the info, i would. i wouldn't expect anything from it but i do feel like just hearing the term BPD could at some point help the person suss out what was going on when things got bad.

i don't think i would have believed it in the beginning if her ex just told me "she's crazy", but if he told me specifically "she has borderline personality disorder", i think this would have had an impact. i could have looked this up on the internet and then made a lot of sense out of things that were happening. i trust myself, my intuition and strength; most of all i trust my strong desire to know the truth of a situation, even if the truth is painful. i doubt i would have just walked away hearing something like this, but just knowing there was a term for "abandonment issues" or having a clue that this person was capable of lying so easily would have been helpful.

so, i would do it if the chance came up. and this is assuming that my ex would lie and manipulate and try to smear me--i just don't fear this from her any more. but it's been a while since we split so i'm safer; stronger now. also less bitter and angry so i'd know how to compose myself and really trust that my motives were to help rather than to try to hurt her.

some people here fully acknowledge that they enabled their pwBPD to act the way they did, and this is good to know about yourself so that you can prevent this enabling from happening again. in my case i think i actually dis-abled and curbed the worst of her behaviors for a long period of time, until she couldn't hold things together any longer. i feel one of the biggest enablers can be lack of information, people being ignorant that this person has an illness with predictable behaviors and outcomes.

if you can't take the backlash, then take care of yourself first. if you feel strong, could accept a backlash if it came and solid about your motives i think it could be a good thing. different strokes, different folks.