Online flirting and dating with a BPD

[Need2Know]

The relationship to my exBPDgf was built on online contacts. Initially we met at a party and I fell in love at first sight - but then I didn't meet her in person for six months since we live in different cities. Instead we got friends on Facebook. At first it was very innocent: we started to comment on each other's status updates and chatted about ordinary things. After a while it became more and more intimate and flirty. She had a teasing and flirty tone in her messages that appealed to me at the time. (Are BPDs more teasing than others?) After I few months I got addicted chatting with her. In total we exchanged several thousands of messages.

After a few months of online chatting and flirting, we realized that we were in love. Then I wanted to meet with her. At that time her personality started to shift. For the first time she pushed me away, and that was the start of the push/pull dance we did for a couple of months. We dated in real life a few times, but since we live 100 miles from each other, we had most of our contact via Facebook, mail and text messages. Since I didn't see her in person that often I experienced the push/pull and idealization/devaluation through online messages. Once she punished me with a week of silent treatment. That was horrible. I could tell that she saw my messages, and she commented happily to some other posts on Facebook, but she ignored me.

Finally we broke up and unfriended each other on Facebook. Still I see her beautiful face show up when she comments on my friends' posts; then it feels like being stabbed in the chest. I cannot block her, however, since I need to know if she is writing a post like: "Yes, I will come that party." Then I need to avoid that party.

All in all I got the feeling that she preferred the online flirting and dating. It was probably a lot easier for her to have me on a safe distance.

Does anyone else have any experiences from online flirting and dating with a BPD?

[DragoN]

I fell in love at first sight

That's what my SO said to me too.

Facebook the PD realm.

[Learning_curve74]

I think the age of Facebook and text messaging makes it easier for pwBPD to rope in people they can use to soothe their feelings of emptiness and for their other emotional needs. They are less likely to get caught when having multiple long distance partners as opposed to having to sneak around in person in town.

My exBPDgf had at least two long distance guys she was keeping around while we were together. She never got together with them because we were always together in person, but I know she planned to get away on vacation one weekend to meet one of them but she ended up canceling and went on vacation with me instead. 

[Ironmanrises]

The relationship to my exBPDgf was built on online contacts. Initially we met at a party and I fell in love at first sight - but then I didn't meet her in person for six months since we live in different cities. Instead we got friends on Facebook. At first it was very innocent: we started to comment on each other's status updates and chatted about ordinary things. After a while it became more and more intimate and flirty. She had a teasing and flirty tone in her messages that appealed to me at the time. (Are BPDs more teasing than others?) After I few months I got addicted chatting with her. In total we exchanged several thousands of messages.

After a few months of online chatting and flirting, we realized that we were in love. Then I wanted to meet with her. At that time her personality started to shift. For the first time she pushed me away, and that was the start of the push/pull dance we did for a couple of months. We dated in real life a few times, but since we live 100 miles from each other, we had most of our contact via Facebook, mail and text messages. Since I didn't see her in person that often I experienced the push/pull and idealization/devaluation through online messages. Once she punished me with a week of silent treatment. That was horrible. I could tell that she saw my messages, and she commented happily to some other posts on Facebook, but she ignored me.

Finally we broke up and unfriended each other on Facebook. Still I see her beautiful face show up when she comments on my friends' posts; then it feels like being stabbed in the chest. I cannot block her, however, since I need to know if she is writing a post like: "Yes, I will come that party." Then I need to avoid that party.

All in all I got the feeling that she preferred the online flirting and dating. It was probably a lot easier for her to have me on a safe distance.

Does anyone else have any experiences from online flirting and dating with a BPD?

In bold.

I hated this sh¥t... .

With a f¥cking passion.

Pardon my language.

In round 2... .

My exUBPDgf did this... .

Non f¥cking stop in devaluation.

Paragraphs... .

Smilies... .

And what not... .

To everyone else... .

To me... .

Either... .

She would ignore me... .

Outright... .

Or respond with one word.

And the funny thing... .

If i so much as did this to her... .

Even one time... .

In idealization... .

She would SPAZZ out... .

And say... .

"Ironmanfalls... .

That was immature of you... .

We are not teenagers... ."... .

I never want to deal with that ever again.

I cant.

I just cant.

[HarmKrakow]

The relationship to my exBPDgf was built on online contacts. Initially we met at a party and I fell in love at first sight - but then I didn't meet her in person for six months since we live in different cities. Instead we got friends on Facebook. At first it was very innocent: we started to comment on each other's status updates and chatted about ordinary things. After a while it became more and more intimate and flirty. She had a teasing and flirty tone in her messages that appealed to me at the time. (Are BPDs more teasing than others?) After I few months I got addicted chatting with her. In total we exchanged several thousands of messages.

After a few months of online chatting and flirting, we realized that we were in love. Then I wanted to meet with her. At that time her personality started to shift. For the first time she pushed me away, and that was the start of the push/pull dance we did for a couple of months. We dated in real life a few times, but since we live 100 miles from each other, we had most of our contact via Facebook, mail and text messages. Since I didn't see her in person that often I experienced the push/pull and idealization/devaluation through online messages. Once she punished me with a week of silent treatment. That was horrible. I could tell that she saw my messages, and she commented happily to some other posts on Facebook, but she ignored me.

Finally we broke up and unfriended each other on Facebook. Still I see her beautiful face show up when she comments on my friends' posts; then it feels like being stabbed in the chest. I cannot block her, however, since I need to know if she is writing a post like: "Yes, I will come that party." Then I need to avoid that party.

All in all I got the feeling that she preferred the online flirting and dating. It was probably a lot easier for her to have me on a safe distance.

Does anyone else have any experiences from online flirting and dating with a BPD?

Even bettah, majority of BPDers are masters in social media. The majority of people with BPD can be found on internet dating websites and for a NON the chance to pick a BPDer through a dating website is relatively high. Because on a dating website you can describe yourself the way you THINK you look like rather than who you really are.

[Need2Know]

Hi Ironmanfalls,

I totally agree and can identify myself in your experience.

Once she broke up with me all of a sudden for some detail - and blamed me for making her doing so! "You have broken my heart" she told me when it was rather the other way around. Then she punished me with a week of silent treatment. But she kept on commenting and writing happy posts on Facebook in the meantime. Man, those days were painful and confusing.

[Ironmanrises]

Hi Ironmanfalls,

I totally agree and can identify myself in your experience.

Once she broke up with me all of a sudden for some detail - and blamed me for making her doing so! "You have broken my heart" she told me when it was rather the other way around. Then she punished me with a week of silent treatment. But she kept on commenting and writing happy posts on Facebook in the meantime. Man, those days were painful and confusing.[/u]

In bold.

That... .

And coupled with the enablers... .

Who all adore them... .

Posting that fake happy stuff... .

In bold/underlined... .

Painful and confusing... .

An understatement.

Cruel.

Punitive.

Malicious.

And so on.

They realize they are doing this.

They know it will hurt you... .

To the core.

Her reaction... .

To me doing it once to her... .

Was proof enough.

Such a nightmare.

It is why i am glad... .

I am no longer on facebook/instagram.

In a way... .

It literally... .

Ruined the whole experience for me.

[heartandwhole]

Need2Know,

Yes, I experienced something similar.  I've spared myself the drama of Facebook, but since pwBPD and I lived in different cities, most of our interaction was online.  Breakups by email, skype shenanigans, etc. (I'll spare you the details) 

It got to the point that when I would see a long email come into my inbox, my body would go into fight or flight mode – I was afraid of another bombshell. Not good.

I think online interactions make things easier for someone who is uncomfortable with intimacy, reactions, triggers, etc., because they have more control over the situation.  The computer can just be turned off, the communication stopped immediately, etc. 

Also, my own experience has been that online communication adds to fantasy, because we use our imaginations more to fill in the gaps of what we can't see or hear.  That ended up being very painful for me.

[Need2Know]

Hi HarmKrkow,

That's a wise thought. My exBPDgf is really beautiful and she even hired a professional photographer to take the best pictures ever of her. She posted them on her Facebook wall and she looks like Miss America. She got more than fifty likes on those photos and comments from plenty of guys like:

"You are so pretty. See you soon sweetie."

"You are so hot! Can't wait to see you."

Some of these guys have families.

God what I hate those pictures.

The girlfriends' to these praising guys must be in pain too.

[Need2Know]

Hi Heartandwhole,

I had the same experience.

Her messages could sometimes be funny or flirty, sometimes doubtful or depressed, sometimes she raged at me for no reason, sometimes she broke up, and sometimes she refused to respond.

I never knew where I had her and what to expect.

Every new message could either be a fantastic loveletter or a bomb loaded with hate.

Yes those were confusing and painful days.