What things are you doing to heal?

[hopealways]

I would like to know what everyone is doing during the healing process to help them heal.  After all, that is the biggest reason we are on this forum.  Let's share some tips and help each other heal faster and better.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

I have a particularly logical mind, so when my therapist explained that much of my ruminating, obsessive wondering how my ex is, obsessive replaying of hurtful memories, dwelling on good memories etc., etc... .much of that is because the constant threat of his withdrawal, the push-pull dance, had basically set up a form of Pavlovian conditioning in me to think of him almost all the time, coupled with a neurochemical addiction to the deluge of endorphins when he was lovely to me... .

So between us, my therapist and I developed the PAVLOV strategy. When I find I'm thinking of it all, I shout to myself PAVLOV! and then I put a fixed broad smile on my face and say "Pavlov" out loud for sixty times (= c.60 seconds, enough for even a faked smile to trigger a small change in brain chemistry). This helps strip away the emotional baggage attached to the memory a little. After 60 Pavlovs, I pack it away and do something physical, even if it's only go up and down the stairs, and then do some simple anagrams which research found was the best way to get that 'earworm' song out of your head.

I know it sounds bonkers, but if it's done ALWAYS, it works for me. It's been about ten days now I've been doing it, and already there are whole areas that were painful that are now neutral. A big problem is that the area he lives in is often mentioned in the News, and also features particularly in a lot of books and tv programmes I watch, so that kept triggering painful memories; also, the country my Replacement lives in, even her city, seems bloody omnipresent, and that's now much easier.

I have both parents and seven good friends randomly texting or emailing me through the day, just to say "PAVLOV!" and that helps too, because it catches me up if I haven't recognised that I am dwelling on him.

I shall be rationing my time on here from tomorrow also - I'll still come in here, but only twice a day, not intermittently. Because as long as I'm allowing my head to stay filled with thoughts of him, he'll stay in my head, right?

So yeah - breaking the brainwashing. Recognising that it's largely "conditioned behaviour" and that I have the will and the skill to break the conditioning.

If it gets too much, I put headphones on and go for a really stompy walk playing Rage Against the Machine - "stuff" you, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!



It works. I'm now sleeping without any tablets at all for the first time since early summer.

[guardianxiii]

I've focused on returning to the positive habits I had before I started dating my ex-GF, primarily exercising 4-5 days a week.

I don't know about you, but when I was in the relationship I hid a lot of her negative behaviors and the drama she brought into my life from my friends and family; she had convinced me that it was wrong for me to discuss any part of our relationship with other people. I allowed her to isolate me from all the people who could have helped me recognize the problems. So when she started causing trouble after our second break up, I immediately went to my sister, parents and closest friends to get their input (and wouldn't you know it, they all think she is lying). Acknowledging what has happened has helped me see what was real and wasn't, but more importantly it helped me re-connect to the people who are important to me. Knowing that these people understood the situation and still supported me was huge.

Do things you love. Socialize, even if it's just seeing a couple friends for an hour to start. See a therapist if you need too, mine has been instrumental in my continuing recovery.

[Ironmanrises]

What is helping me heal... .?

With my primary coping method... .

Which is my artwork... .

Being non functional... .

I still cannot even hold a sketching pencil... .

Doesn't feel the same.

My learning the Japanese language... .

Has taken its place... .

Not to the extent... .

That my artwork would... .

In comparison... .

But it is helping me.

It is an intense language.

Quiet music has also helped me.

Helps to still my thoughts.

[hopealways]

I just watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotted Mind" with Jim Carrey - it's available on Netflix.  It made me feel great! Why? Because Kate Winslett plays the typical Borderline and her actions reminded me just of my BPDx and watching the movie allowed me to visualize such a disturbed troubled person which for some strange reason made me accept the breakup even more.  Try it - just watch the first 20 minutes it's all you need.

[allweareisallweare]

Films, music, books ---- but that can be hard, there is always 'evocation' 

I write a lot. But mostly I scan the skies for arrows of misery which fall daily... .

[goldylamont]

swimming, sauna/jacuzzi/steam room and meditation helped me tremendously. sometimes before reaching the point where i wasn't thinking in meditating i would imagine my ex as pieces inside of me floating away like layers of onion skin away from me. another thing i would do is a breathing exercise (i just made this up but i liked it a lot) where when i would breath out i'd visualize some memory of her, but when i'd breath in i'd visualize something good about my new life (i.e. my newly decorated appt. or anything representing my new situation that was enjoyable). over and over with every breath, out with her and in with new. visualizing/imagining her leaving my body in these ways i think helped a lot. and, i'm still hooked on the sauna room! :-)

[charred]

Mindfulness was first thing... .was so stressed I couldn't think right, ruminated day and night. Saw a T, who suggested Eckart Tolle's "A New Earth" and I seeked out other mindfulness books and guidance. Living in the moment stopped the ruminating, lowered the stress and made it possible to start my journey out of the depressing BPD r/s.

Understanding the r/s... .had to know WHY... why she was like she was, how I fell for her/it, why we fought all the time, and was it my fault. The readings on these boards helped, books helped, and my own posting and expressing my thoughts/feelings/confusion helped... eventually I figured out some things that were accurate and troubling; My pwBPD mirrored me, love bombed and lied to the point it seemed like unconditional love, I needed that as my own mother was cold as ice... transference or putting my pwBPD on a pedestal and treating her like a mother (primary relationship) explains why I took abuse, and couldn't break free and then when dumped acted like and felt like a parent had died. All of it was ego driven/false and signs of my own lack of proper development... .hard pill to swallow, but it came down to me keeping people at a distance instead of having close genuine attachments to friends, family and SO. She ignored my boundaries and got close with her phony persona. Found it hard to maintain eventually and turned in to the beast. So I understand it now.

Accepting reality... hardest thing, to drop my illusions... .that she was "the one", that we were "in love", that I was unscathed by FOO issues, and that somehow it would work out. Accepting that the person I idolized was in fact mentally ill ... .was hard. Accepting that I have my own issues, hard, that I accepted her as a mommy substitute... sick, twisted, and hard. But once I finally did... .and quit trying to make the impossible work... I started to do better, still was pretty depressed, but the pressure I had on me lifted a lot.

Addressing the real problems... not hard, but not obvious either. What were the real problems? I had issues from time I was little, my mom is a great person, but horrible with little kids, her own mother died in childbirth when mom was 5 yrs old. She raised her two little sisters (was dropped on her grandparents following death of her mother... her father went in to WW2 and came back when she was 13)... so... she is traumatized by young children... and I grew up insecurely attached. We moved every 3-4 yrs and I lost all my friends over and over... and each time would have fewer and try less, as it hurt losing them. So I keep people at a distance, have a fear of being hurt and do my best not to be vulnerable in any way. That hole where you feel you are missing something inside... came from the early lack of unconditional love, and the pwBPD filled it... but was a horrific choice for doing that... and at 50 yrs old... it takes some therapy and work to make genuine connections, but the void is so strong that I put a mentally ill person ahead of all else in my life for a while. So addressing fixing me was the key to healing me... sounds obvious, but my ego really got in the way of seeking help. Much of the problem was false ego... I took pride in not needing anyone, in being independent, in being emotionally level... .fact is; I was lonely because I didn't let people get very close, I was afraid to accept help even when I needed it as it made me feel weak, and I was not emotionally level... so much as blunted/numb to my feelings and emotions. That numbness came from avoiding feelings and situations that were painful or might be... .so I didn't process emotions, I disconnected from bad ones and in doing so also disconnected from good ones. That isn't living, its fearing living.

[Accepting]

Trying to be gentle on myself and to be calm. Making sure that I really appreciate and live in the moment in the good times - like today having a graduation ceremony lunch for a course I completed by a rainforest creek at a quaint little café at the base of a mountain - amazing! A group of happy minded people sharing a healthy lunch and celebrating an achievement... .so easy, nice, relaxing.

Exercising... .but I did that before anyway. It is a good thing to fire up the endorphins though.

Trying to stop myself from spending too much time alone ruminating - stopping myself in my tracks. Being mindful and posting on here when I feel the need.

Cutting down the amount I discuss it and speaking in positive but final ways about recent discoveries of his hurtful actions - with the aim at treating this as moving on this time - letting go - accepting. Not holding resentment if possible towards him.

Really appreciating friends, family... .listening to others and trying to emerse myself in other people's lives to try to get away from focusing on my own problems as much.

Baking and eating banana cake with lemon cream cheese icing is also making a firm running for coming in as my number one way of healing  

[goldylamont]

Cutting down the amount I discuss it and speaking in positive but final ways about recent discoveries of his hurtful actions - with the aim at treating this as moving on this time - letting go - accepting. Not holding resentment if possible towards him.

for sure this is something i practice nearly every day whenever i can catch myself ruminating. it's a challenge at times but i'm really trying hard to let go of resentments so that unnecessary thoughts don't hurt me further.

also one thing that's helped me is what i call the "zoom out" technique. and this is where you close your eyes and imagine looking at yourself from above, then you zoom out to say 100 ft high looking down to where you are. and you keep doing this, zooming out, step by step until you are higher than the earth's atmosphere then way out past the galaxy--i realize this may sound like new-agey silliness to some  -- the point of doing this though is seeing how truly small our consciousness, and therefore our personal problems are in the world. by zooming out we can see that we are just a small spec in the world and allows us to realize that our personal problems are really infinitesimal.

[Turkish]

Cutting down the amount I discuss it and speaking in positive but final ways about recent discoveries of his hurtful actions - with the aim at treating this as moving on this time - letting go - accepting. Not holding resentment if possible towards him.

for sure this is something i practice nearly every day whenever i can catch myself ruminating. it's a challenge at times but i'm really trying hard to let go of resentments so that unnecessary thoughts don't hurt me further.

also one thing that's helped me is what i call the "zoom out" technique. and this is where you close your eyes and imagine looking at yourself from above, then you zoom out to say 100 ft high looking down to where you are. and you keep doing this, zooming out, step by step until you are higher than the earth's atmosphere then way out past the galaxy--i realize this may sound like new-agey silliness to some  -- the point of doing this though is seeing how truly small our consciousness, and therefore our personal problems are in the world. by zooming out we can see that we are just a small spec in the world and allows us to realize that our personal problems are really infinitesimal.

That's awesome! I was doing it in my mind as I was reading it. As the MP gang used to say, "no one expects the Spanish Inquisition." It may feel like it at times, but it isn't the Spanish Inquisition. Perspective... .

[HarmKrakow]

First

One part of healing is stop being such a p*ssy and stop with the self-pity, drowning, feeling hit and get ur act together. Do something you haven't done for a while, get drunk, go out, go sporting, go crazy, go on your own to an opera, let yourself really free for a short period. Get all the nasties out of ur system. BE FREE. (But keep it controlled)

Second

Spend time alone ruminating with your feelings. They are your feelings. It's just your feelings. What are you, afraid to embrace them? Don't be such a cissy! You have a depression along side the corner awaiting for you? Invite it over and drink a cup of tea with it. In whatever way, when you walk away from emotions (work/relationship/etc), they will bite you in the ass again.

Third

Another part of healing is to go to therapy. Seek professional help. You can not do this alone and just the approach 'it will go over' is a lie. Don't be a fool.

Fourth

Set your expectations of life in the correct order. If you truly think correctly about life, there is no future, and there is no past. There is only present. There is no past that drives you to something, as past is not now. You are only driving yourself as of this instant. Based on the judgement you deem correctly, as of this instant. Put your expectations in the correct lining and you will be disappointing less.

Five

Another was a more zen-approach to life. Eckhart Tolle and mindfullness is too 'wavery' baloney to me. I read that book and my balls dropped out of my pants laughing. I saw some of his clips on youtube with Operah Winfrey and I  'ed hard. I needed a more rational scientific approach to this sort of mindfulness and I found that in for example some stanford university lectures on depression like

www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc

Or in Alan Watts

www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4j6cUwCRmI

[bpdspell]

What helped me most was giving myself the permission to own and feel my pain.

I had so much bottled up and repressed hurt living inside of me. I had to get it out.

Someone on here recommended that I purchase a plastic baseball bat.

So I did.

I cried tons, beat my pillows with the bat and primal screamed and allowed my grief to take over.

I was in a crying jag for a couple of months but then I'd feel five years younger.

This really sped up my healing.

With practice you come to understand that the only way out is through. Feeling your feelings will not kill you; only make you stronger.

Avoiding our feelings and our own pain is what our ex's do. Which is why they are so triggered and damaging to themselves and others... .

Getting the anger and hurt out was an essential part of looking in my own mirror and it helps a great deal.

Spell

[hopealways]

What helped me most was giving myself the permission to own and feel my pain.

I had so much bottled up and repressed hurt living inside of me. I had to get it out.

Someone on here had recommended that I purchase a plastic baseball bat.

So I did.

I cried tons, beat my pillows with the bat and primal screamed and allowed my grief to take over.

I was in a crying jag for a couple of months but then I'd feel five years younger.

With practice you come to understand that the only way out is through. Feeling your feelings will not kill you; only make you stronger.

Avoiding our feelings and our own pain is what our ex's do. Which is why they are so triggered and damaging to themselves and others... .

Getting the anger and hurt out was an essential part of looking in my own mirror and it helps a great deal.

Spell

Beautifully said. This is what we all need to do.

[GopherAgent]

Hopealways... .

One of the biggest things that has helped me was finding out that there was information and web based sites like this that helped to shed some light on these kinds of things. After years of giving in and doing all the wrong things (like enabling the behaviors) I discovered relief and freedom in knowing that I was not alone in my experiences and feelings.

These discoveries have been liberating. I have come to a catharsis of sorts and realized how I've enabled her ongoing issues and only hidden the underlying causes that affect our relationship.

This liberation allowed me to give space and thought to what really is in play here and has allowed me to step back and not continue to kick myself for all my bad responses I have fostered in the past. I now have a better understanding of why I did what I did and knowing this, I can now choose to respond differently to the madness with the understanding that the madness may never change.

So, to heal I do several things. First, I continue to come back to this web site and read and support you and all of us affected by this extremely serious life altering condition.

Secondly, I have started to attend Ala-Non meetings for an additional outside resource for support (one of the recommendations in one of the books on how an affected person can improve themselves). Just listening and supporting these people is a starting point as well to an improved outlook.

Thirdly, I have given my music a new emphasis in my life and have redoubled my efforts to practice and play so as to not only continue to develop my musical chops, so to speak, but to allow me to enjoy something I create when I practice. I find when I practice, I am free to get lost in the expression music provides the performer and to create sounds of joy or sorrow based on the music I am playing. Music can't talk back to me and tell me how wrong I am to express myself that way... .It only encourages me to express myself because it demands expression and sound. Consequently, I've found a new desire to create positive and uplifting sounds as I play. I am actually planning to take this out here soon and play for people so as to encourage and uplift them as well and hopefully one day tell them of my triumphs over this matter in my on life!

Thanks... .GopherAgent

[hopealways]

GopherAgent, these are excellent tips thank you for sharing.  We are so lucky to have come across this during the internet age. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to access this type of information before that. Yet another reason to be thankful.

[Hazelrah]

This is a question I see here often, but well worth the attention it receives.

I echo the sentiments of those like GopherAgent who point out the importance of this site.  Without it, I'd be a much bigger mess than I currently am.

Therapy has been critical in trying to navigate my part in the dysfunction that has led to my separation.  Though my W deserves the lion's share of the scrutiny, I really needed to step back and work on myself in order to deal with the depression and anxiety that really stems from a dysfunctional childhood--I have a therapist I really enjoy and who has started me on the road to devleloping a much healthier self-image.  No matter what happens with my W, this time has provided me a valuable stretch with which to evaluate and better myself... .for me, and not for someone else.

I've mentioned it before here, but getting back into music as an active performer and songwriter has also been a huge help--it gives me pride, a sense of reclaimed identity, and offers continuous moments in which to be mindful and in the moment.  I was performing when I first met my W, but circumstances outside our relationship forced that to be put on hold.  It is ironic that the seeming end of the relationship coincides with finding that important part of my life again and using that talent to make me happy.  Plus, my bandmates are dear long-time friends that are able to provide support on an emotional level as well.