An exercise to help people drive on

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey guys-

A lot of posts here on the Leaving board deal with the struggle to detach- and the maddening reality that many of us miss our BPDex's, the very ones who put us through so much abuse, even when it was US who walked away. A pretty common, general coping strategy is to "list the good things"- no matter what is going wrong, think about the positives.  I have found that, in my own situation, I have a lot of things to look forward to now that I am out of my BPD relationship, but it doesn't always seem like it. The positives far outweigh the negatives, but for some reason it still feels like I am losing by not being with her.  I thought it might be a helpful exercise for anyone who wants to participate to come in here and list or discuss all of the benefits that come from having separated from their BPDex's.  It is often helpful to get things down in writing, and in reading what some others have to say, you may find a positive that hadn't occurred to you.  I'll start.

The positives of where I am now, as opposed to where I was while with my BPDex:

-I no longer am paranoid/worrying 24/7 about who my BPDex is talking to/with

-I no longer live in constant fear of my BPDex cheating on me or attempting to cheat on me

-I am in much better shape physically than I ever was while with my BPDex

-I do not have to deal with my BPDex's dysfunctional family

-I do not feel personal shame from being with someone who has slept around A LOT more than I would have liked

-I do not feel the shame of having a girlfriend who slept with a close friend of mine and hooked up with several other friends (including my best friend) all under my nose

-I now have the option to take someone else to special, formal events, someone who isn't going to cause a scene and ruin what could have otherwise been a really fun event

-I have the opportunity to find someone who can truly respect me and love me

-I am no longer being taken advantage of by someone who tells me they love me, only to go and do things that prove the opposite


This was just a very quick sample.  I may add more later.  But it is important to remember why we are healthier in the long run for having exited a toxic relationship 

[Octoberfest]

Hey guys-

A lot of posts here on the Leaving board deal with the struggle to detach- and the maddening reality that many of us miss our BPDex's, the very ones who put us through so much abuse, even when it was US who walked away. A pretty common, general coping strategy is to "list the good things"- no matter what is going wrong, think about the positives.  I have found that, in my own situation, I have a lot of things to look forward to now that I am out of my BPD relationship, but it doesn't always seem like it. The positives far outweigh the negatives, but for some reason it still feels like I am losing by not being with her.  I thought it might be a helpful exercise for anyone who wants to participate to come in here and list or discuss all of the benefits that come from having separated from their BPDex's.  It is often helpful to get things down in writing, and in reading what some others have to say, you may find a positive that hadn't occurred to you.  I'll start.

The positives of where I am now, as opposed to where I was while with my BPDex:

-I no longer am paranoid/worrying 24/7 about who my BPDex is talking to/with

-I no longer live in constant fear of my BPDex cheating on me or attempting to cheat on me

-I am in much better shape physically than I ever was while with my BPDex

-I do not have to deal with my BPDex's dysfunctional family

-I do not feel personal shame from being with someone who has slept around A LOT more than I would have liked

-I do not feel the shame of having a girlfriend who slept with a close friend of mine and hooked up with several other friends (including my best friend) all under my nose

-I now have the option to take someone else to special, formal events, someone who isn't going to cause a scene and ruin what could have otherwise been a really fun event

-I have the opportunity to find someone who can truly respect me and love me

-I am no longer being taken advantage of by someone who tells me they love me, only to go and do things that prove the opposite


This was just a very quick sample.  I may add more later.  But it is important to remember why we are healthier in the long run for having exited a toxic relationship 

[hopealways]

Great to hear, and a great exercise. I am sure after you write these things down and read it you step back and ask yourself "wait, why was I with this person again?"  I have written all the negative things my BPDx did in a section of my iphone as a reminder, in case I forget (and there were so many we are bound to forget).

[snappafcw]

Thank you Octoberfest a really constructive list that will help lots of us thank you for the support

[fiddlestix]

Weird. October... .I think you were dating my wife. Lol! She did all the same things on your list, including sleep with a dear (very drunk) friend (and attempt to with many others).  The public scenes... .WOW!  My ex once had to be escorted out of Six Flags Amusement Park by the police because she threw a tantrum when she could not ride a roller coaster.  And yes, she told me she loved me. 

Sad, but at peace.

Fiddlestix

[Octoberfest]

Sad, but at peace... .an interesting thought.  In describing to someone some of the feelings I have from time to time I often tell them it gives me a sad smile... .The kind where you sort of exhale out your nose and you get the smallest of smiles and your mind carries you back to a place that isn't so nice... .

I missed a pretty big one

-I did not marry my BPDex.  Her and her disorder are no longer my burden to suffer.  I have the opportunity to find true happiness.

[Accepting]

* He was terrible with money which meant we'd likely never afford a homeloan together or achieve things I'd like for my future.

* He thinks of himself as infertile... .maybe he was, maybe he wasn't... .but either way, this won't effect me anymore.

* We didn't have open communication and I am very open - now I have the chance to meet someone who meets me more in the middle with this.

* My family said he wasn't welcome at their houses - now I can meet someone one day with who'm they will have a better rapport and be happy to have around.

* I don't have to spend time waiting for the crash to come in the cycle

* I don't have to cop silent treatment and wait for him to resurface


I have a whole new adventure awaiting that I have no idea about as yet. This helps drive me on.

[happylogist]

Every morning I wake up, I feel that I am over of so many dualities that made my world a horrible place, full of self-doubting and questioning: 

1. He loves me/he doesn't

2. He wants to be with me/He doesn't

3. I needs me/He does not

4. I feel right to love him/Morally I feel so bad and wrong

5. He said this /He said that but he also said that he did not mean to say this and hurt me, but still he said...

6. Did he find someone last night? I feel jealousy and hurt. He will tell me and it will hurt again. /Maybe he did, I do not have a right to be jealous. I deserve this pain.

7.  It is wrong to keep contact with him because he does not want to change anything and uses me/ It is right to keep contact with him because he can't change anything and needs me

8. I need to apologize / He needs to apologize

9. Shall I talk again and try to explain?/There is no need to explain, he does not understand.

I am happy that now I wake up with a feeling of being certain in something, or even when I do not know something - it does not torture me during the whole day. It is just "I do not know". 

[nevaeh]

I haven't left uBPDh yet but hope to get up the courage to move ahead in the next few weeks.

I have started such a list, although they are things that I think will improve once we are no longer living together... .

1. I can go to bed without worrying about whether he will want sex from me and having the mental battle with myself about whether I should or shouldn't give in.  If I think he wants is and I don't give in, then I worry about whether he is going to have a temper tantrum about it, keeping me up all night with worry and fret.

2. My stomach won't flip when I hear the garage door open, knowing that he is home.

3. I won't have to have anxiety because my S12 won't get out of the shower and worrying that his dad is going to go upstairs and scream at him.  Generally, I won't have anxiety about interactions with S12... .they argue all the time.  H consistently swears at S12 and is generally not nice to him... .they do actually get along at times but the stress of not knowing how their interactions will end up is really hard on me. 

4. I can get things fixed. Right now if something breaks H says "he will fix it", except he never does and I'm not "allowed" to bring it up and ask if I could take care of it for him.  The AC in my car has been broken for 6 months and we still haven't gotten it fixed because it's expensive (we can afford to pay $300 to get it fixed!).  Anything that involves effort and/or money is never dealt with and if I ask him about it I am told I am being a nag. 

5. We can get a puppy.  My kids and I have wanted to get a dog for YEARS.  We do have two cats who we adore, but we also want a dog.  H hates dogs and claims that he would end up picking poop up out of the yard. 

6. I can take the kids out to eat or to a movie without having an anxiety attack about whether H is going to get mad about it.  He hates spending money going out to eat, unless it is his idea then he is more than willing to spend the money.

7. I can clean whenever I want.  This sounds silly but right now I don't clean when he is home because he starts getting anxious and then he starts helping.  His helping usually results in him yelling or screaming at the kids because they are such slobs. It also results in him bossing the kids around, making them do all the cleaning, while he stands around watching them and yelling at them about their messy habits.  Too stressful so I just do it when he's not home.  Laundry is the same way.  He tried to "help" but doesn't listen to basic instructions so he just does it how he wants to and ends up ruining my or my D16's clothes.

8. I can have my parents/sister/family over without worrying about whether H is in a good or bad mood and whether he will start up controversial/political conversations.  I love my parents dearly but don't invite them over often because of H's moodiness.

9. I can make my own decisions to match the way I feel, not constantly having to worry about how H will react to what I say or do. 

10. I can do spontaneous things... .take the kids on quick weekend vacations on the spur of the moment or just decide last minute to do something and not worry about having to have everything planned out and approved by him beforehand.  He can't handle indecision or unplanned time.  Family vacations are exhausting because we have to have things planned out and then he freaks out if we go "off" plan. 

11. I don't have to walk into the room and watch him switch his computer screen from the porn pictures he is looking at back to the computer game he is playing.  He thinks I don't notice but I do.  It's just not worth addressing as he will never change.

12. I won't have to interact with his dysfunctional family anymore. 

13. I don't have to withstand his over-the-top temper tantrums anymore. No more things getting broken or thrown across the room. No more silent treatments for days ending only with no apologies and acting like nothing happened and that he is the happiest person on earth and we have the best marriage/family in the world.

14. No more CONSTANT complaining about how stupid people are, how he can solve every single problem in the world.

15. I won't have to ride in a car with someone who can't control his temper and who drives aggressively when people are being "stupid".  It's OK for him to cut someone off (because they were being stupid) but not for someone to cut him off (because they are stupid).  I have gotten really angry with him before and told him that if he wants to drive like a crazy person that he can do it when I and the kids are not in the car.

I know there are more.  The best word I can think to describe how my life will be without H is PEACEFUL.

[toomanytears]

One of the very best things for me is that I'll finally get to meet my daughter's boyfriend's parents. They've been very generous to my daughter but I think she was worried about introducing them to her dad.   

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

Every morning I wake up, I feel that I am over of so many dualities that made my world a horrible place, full of self-doubting and questioning: 

1. He loves me/he doesn't

2. He wants to be with me/He doesn't

3. I needs me/He does not

4. I feel right to love him/Morally I feel so bad and wrong

5. He said this /He said that but he also said that he did not mean to say this and hurt me, but still he said...

6. Did he find someone last night? I feel jealousy and hurt. He will tell me and it will hurt again. /Maybe he did, I do not have a right to be jealous. I deserve this pain.

7.  It is wrong to keep contact with him because he does not want to change anything and uses me/ It is right to keep contact with him because he can't change anything and needs me

8. I need to apologize / He needs to apologize

9. Shall I talk again and try to explain?/There is no need to explain, he does not understand.

I am happy that now I wake up with a feeling of being certain in something, or even when I do not know something - it does not torture me during the whole day. It is just "I do not know". 

This is just what I was framing in my mind as I read through everyone's lists! So much the same, happylogist!

My list goes:

1. I am standing on solid ground now. When I wake up, the situation is exactly as it was when I went to sleep. Whilst there was any communication, he was re-defining the relationship all the time so I never ever knew what was happening, what he'd meant, what I'd misunderstood... .now there is NO relationship so it cannot be redefined.

[Traumatized]

1)  It's nice not to be screamed at all the time (of all the horrible things she did to me, that one that stands out the most right now).

2)  I don't have to know when she stays out all night and goes on drug binges (using Crystal Meth, crack, cocaine, etc.)

3)  I don't have to see or hear about all the people she has sex with 

4)  I don't have to be worried about being thrown out of her apartment at 3 A.M.

5)  I don't have to worry about being arrested with her if she gets caught shoplifting

6)  I don't have to listen to her introduce me to people as a backstabber, liar, thief, etc.

[Turkish]

1. Won't have to worry about doing/not doing something that will tee her off (the walking on eggshells thing)

2. Not having to worry about drama being injected into every single thing, even as benign as going to the mall (which actually got better as she started detaching towards another... .lucky him, heh, he will see, and deservedly so)

3. Not having her go on house cleaning "rampages" Once, I had vacuumed an area rug quite thoroughly. It wasn't good enough for her, so she took the vacuum and did it for 5 more minutes, all angry. One of many, many examples probably familiar to those here

4. Not putting up with the constant complaints about me being the poor communicator

5. Not having her mistreat my mother, who detached from us, her only grandkids and child (me), because it was too painful being around the DIL. My mom commented to me this weekend, that my SO "knew how to hurt." I feel guilty for putting up with that, even though I had talked and talked to my SO about it. My mother is very emotionally fragile, too, and suffers from depression. Easy to trigger it, but she's my mom

6. Not having to do most or all of the work to get the kids ready every time we went out because she was so intent on getting to look perfect. She's not vain in the normal sense (a very pretty woman, but didn't over-sexualize herself). But she took the old cliche of the woman taking forever to get ready to the extreme. Even constantly changing clothes after being "ready" because she was so insecure about looking just right

7. Related to #6, not having her angry and anxious because we were often late to functions... .due to her, but of course it was directed at me. My thing is the old marine adage: "if you're early you're on time. If you're on time, you're late." Her thing was not wanting others to "waste her time" but she constantly wasted mine. No respect.

8. An end to the verbal abuse and sometimes nasty notes and messages

9. An end to the anger and emotional abuse (she only actually hit me once, and yes, I know I am lucky compared to many here, especially the women).

10. An end to her/mine "intimacy" issues, and frequently complaining, even though there were plenty of times that she was satisfied. Things got worse after the second baby. But I think she took normal biological changes and turned them inward into an emotional thing, like our "lack of connection." I guess she will find out with another man now... .

11. An end to telling me that I don't "understand" woman, even though she's the first woman in my life who's told me that (plenty have said the opposite, in fact... .growing up with a single mom, I do tend to be more feminine emotionally, despite my tough exterior). She even told me I was so good in the beginning (idealization?).

12. Knowing that I deserve better, and I am capable of finding it if I so choose

13. Knowing that while she loves our children, that I am the stable one, and can be so much more strong and stable parenting on my own

14. Doing all sorts of things with our children that would have been too much drama with her

15. Not having to be emotionally responsible for a 30+ year old teenager (and often times less emotionally developed than that)

16. I will "ruin" every other man after (idealization), to later this year, not being good enough to meet her needs, so she runs into the arms of a "kid"

17. Knowing who and what I am, not being ashamed of it, taking responsibility for my actions, being a whole person with a secure identity, not fragmented and splitting as a way of coping (the opposite of her).

I could go on and on, but that's enough for now. Will copy my list (and others' for later.

[eyvindr]

Great idea, Octoberfest -- and great contributions, everyone! It's so very important that we all focus on the positives, and begin training ourselves to look at life from a positive perspective, instead of one of worry, anxiety, fear, guilt and insecurity.

Here are mine, 2 months out:

• No more worrying about when the next down cycle will be, and how long it will last.



• No more righteous lectures about what "a normal partner" would do, and how "everyone but you understands this!"



• No more planning stress around events -- can just decide if I want to do something, and don't need her approval/ok, and don't have to worry that, once we commit to doing something, she'll change her mind at the last minute b/c she's too tired, not feeling well, nervous or just in a pissy mood.



• Won't have any stress about the holidays this year -- know already that I can spend T-giving with my family, as well as at least some portion of Christmas, without being on a timeclock. (And, who knows? -- maybe will have someone else in my life who would be happy to spend time with my family, too? Imagine that.)



• Don't have to stay up late on the phone listening to how hard her life is, being a single mom... .



• ... .when she relies on her parents to get her child to and from school, pay rent, utilities, car, etc. -- and then she has the nerve to complain about them instead of being appreciative!



• No anxiety over the future, raising her child, finances, etc.



• No more stupid fights over insecure, ridiculous and unwarranted accusations triggered by innocent FB activity.



• No more listening to paranoid worries about losing her job.



• No more having to make promises about things you can't make promises about! ("will we still be together forever?"



• No more having to drive everywhere because her vehicle is a disgusting bio-hazard!



• No more neglecting my friends, family, house and interests because every free second was consumed by my r-ship.



• No more roller coaster emotion days! Life really can be peaceful!

And... .

I missed a pretty big one

-I did not marry my BPDex.  Her and her disorder are no longer my burden to suffer.  I have the opportunity to find true happiness.

OH yeah!

[eyvindr]

More things I don't miss:

• Continual self-validation via articles posted on the web ("everyone I've talked to agrees with me"



• Continuous pathologizing of everything and everyone -- me, her, her daughter, her parents, my friends, random symptoms, etc., etc., etc.!  



• Pouting. Damned childish pouting. (An unsolicited tip -- want to keep your partners happy? Don't pout. If you're upset with something, speak up -- but can the pouting! It's annoying.)



• ALL the unfair, damned projection -- "are you ok?" "you don't seem like yourself" "why are you being so distant?" BLAH!   -- ALL of it.

Good riddance.