Help Me Understand This One?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm not sure what to think anymore.  My stbex-wife made a drastic 180 last week when she decided that she would move back to San Diego with the children.  This is bitter-sweet for me.  Bitter because I will not see my children at all for the next one-year at least, but sweet because they will finally get the attention and stability that they need--which is nearly impossible to give them out here between her instability and my studies. 

The thing that I am trying to make sense of is that she will be moving in with my parents, and be right back in the mix with my family.  Yet, she hates me beyond anything that seems reasonable and makes a point of emotionally kicking me whenever she sees that it will hurt.  I'm not sure how this will work out with my family, but I have told them to respect her as a single adult and to remove photos of us as a family.  I don't know that I will ever fully stop loving her--my dreams still haunt me by replaying the good times in our relationship--and so I feel that, in a way, my family will now have to be hers more than it is my own so that she can feel comfortable with them and (hopefully) stop running whenever she is unhappy.  Has anyone else been faced with a similar situation?  How do you think I should handle the dynamics involved with this  one? 

[BPDdaddy]

I'm not sure what to think anymore.  My stbex-wife made a drastic 180 last week when she decided that she would move back to San Diego with the children.  This is bitter-sweet for me.  Bitter because I will not see my children at all for the next one-year at least, but sweet because they will finally get the attention and stability that they need--which is nearly impossible to give them out here between her instability and my studies. 

The thing that I am trying to make sense of is that she will be moving in with my parents, and be right back in the mix with my family.  Yet, she hates me beyond anything that seems reasonable and makes a point of emotionally kicking me whenever she sees that it will hurt.  I'm not sure how this will work out with my family, but I have told them to respect her as a single adult and to remove photos of us as a family.  I don't know that I will ever fully stop loving her--my dreams still haunt me by replaying the good times in our relationship--and so I feel that, in a way, my family will now have to be hers more than it is my own so that she can feel comfortable with them and (hopefully) stop running whenever she is unhappy.  Has anyone else been faced with a similar situation?  How do you think I should handle the dynamics involved with this  one? 

[Octoberfest]

Hi BPDdaddy-

Wow... .my heart goes out to you here.  I can't imagine having to share my family with my BPDex like that.  If you don't mind, could you shed a little light on why exactly she is moving in with your family? Is it for the childrens sake?

[BPDdaddy]

When we were married, she had already split her mother and stepfather--her closest remaining family--black.  I think that over the course of our marriage, we finally smoothed things out with them, but she isn't very keen on receiving help from them, or at least she hasn't mentioned them as a serious option.  Her sister has made too many poor life choices to recount and lives in the Mississippi ghetto, and a few weeks ago my stbx was talking about moving in with her in a few months, but I was very much against that (the last communication my stbx had with me about her sister concerned adopting her sister's children--all with different men--because they were being exposed to sexual predators). 

So that leaves my family.  She has an overall good relationship, on a superficial level at least, with my family, and my kids are very close to them.  The other factors that probably gave rise to this are that she has been fired from her job, and when she goes back to San Diego she can work on her education again.  I view it as being for the children's sake, but I'm not sure that this is how she views it--I think she sees them as her ticket to a new start. 

The clear problem with this is that I will now have to walk on eggshells with how I involve myself with everyone on my side of the family.  I've told them that I will not visit for Christmas this year because I want my stbx and my extended family, who will probably show up to celebrate, to adjust to her being single.  I'm worried that if she feels uncomfortable out there that she will ratchet up the crazy again. 

[Octoberfest]

Sorry I didn't get back to you BPDdaddy-

I am really sorry to hear of this situation.  It is really unfortunate that your stbxwife does not have any family she can stay with- and I can only imagine it is going to be challenging for your family to have your stbx under their roof.  Perhaps they could benefit from some of the resources on this forum?

I am hoping some other users (those who have been married and have had children, unlike myself) can jump in here and offer some suggestions.

Thoughts are with you BPDdaddy.