No Contact - the right way and the wrong way - thoughts welcome

[toomanytears]

I broke my NC resolve after 24 hours  with a flurry of text messages between my BPDh (who has left me). They were sweet and loving and replaced a nasty interchange of a few days previously in which he accused me of lining up the children against him and other unpleasant stuff.

This seemingly positive contact has left me feeling wretched, agonised and longing for him more than ever. What's going on?

I've just come across this article https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm on leaving a BPD partner. It includes a very useful column from a reader which explains the different forms of No Contact.

Deep, deep down in my heart I have to admit that I'm hoping for a reconciliation. I now realise I've been following the tactic of 'dubious intent' which is doomed to fail.

Because I've been married for a long, long time and our lives are still very enmeshed (children, home, finances, cat) it's extremely hard to maintain true NC.

I've got to employ Low Contact as we slowly unentangle our lives but realise it very easily becomes 'dubious intent' as described in the article. This is not where I want to be. I'd welcome experiences and thoughts from other board members on their own tactics and what has and hasn't worked for them... .

[GreenMango]

No contact is next to impossible if you have kids.  No two ways around that.

Detachment - knowing you are done - may be better.

Are you hoping he will see the light if things are bad enough?

[fiddlestix]

No Contact can be very difficult with kids.  My ex and I have a 24, 20, and 14 year old.  The two older ones are no problem; they are adults and do as they please.  My ex and I share time with our 14 year old daughter.  Since I stayed in the house, the girl lives with me.  It is working out well, however.  My ex pulls up in front of the house when she is picking up our girl.  I don't even look out as I do not want to even see her car.  We have a pretty good schedule worked out and there is almost no need for us to ever be in contact.  As messed up as my ex is, she does take our daughter out shopping, horseback riding and to eat.  It is working ok for me, but my ex wants us to be buddies.  That I am not able to do. 

Fiddlestix

[babyducks]

TooManyTears,

I never really went no contact because my Ex didn't really permit it.   She showed up at public places she knew I would be at.  Joined organizations I was a part of.  etcetera.   Immediately after I left her, she volunteered to work in the garden across the street from my home.   

I wish I could say I handled this well but I didn't.  I was too raw, and too traumatized myself to be mature and reasonable. 

There were days when seeing her again felt like it was pulling my heart clear out of my chest. 

The article you bookmarked is right.  Hurt is part of the healing.   Its really not avoidable.   It hurts to leave some one you love/loved.  Some one you shared your life with. 

Some times I think we here on these boards hold up No Contact like its the Holy Grail.   Certainly I needed to be mindful of contact and how it impacted BOTH of us.   It was important for me to take some time to calm my own intense emotions and get to a place where I could be comfortable again.  Low Contact helped with that.    It also helped turn the focus on to me and my life and away from the constant relationship battles.

Green Mango was right detachment is the goal.  I am now 6 months passed the end of my r/s and can see my Ex with a little more detachment.   It still stings to see her, but I no longer feel like my heart is being torn from my chest.

Detachment is working to understand that I can no longer share my life with my EX.  And sometimes, many times, I still want to.  I would love to be able to discuss the silly thing that happened at work,... or the current news story.   Part of leaving a r/s is rebuilding your life in different ways. 

That takes time.   Lots and Lots of time.   And effort.

Hoping for a reconciliation is pretty normal.   I think we all did it, to some degree.  There is a real dichotomy between what we hope for in our hearts and know to be true in our minds. 

be gentle with yourself.   take care of you first.   

babyducks

[toomanytears]

Hi there

Thanks for replying to my post. It means a lot to know there are others out there at different stages of the same agonising process.

GreenMango - yes I think I should aim for detachment. No contact is not practical - and is pointless if it's being used as a kind of weapon. Detachment seems much harder because it requires you to keep repeating the blissful contact which is then followed by crashing rejection.

fiddlestix - my kids are 20 and 26 so they can make their own decisions. They're not stupid and they've seen his bad treatment of me but I'm trying not to drag them in to my detachment process. Sadly he's giving my daughter a hard time and acting out rejection of her like he has done to me.

babyducks - I am already beginning to build my life without him. It's a much more fulfilling life in fact, although a bit frenetic: getting away at weekends, out every evening doing something, seeing friends, renewing old acquaintances. But I'm longing to feel I can spend an evening by myself at home (so does the cat!). I guess that will happen one day.

It's interesting that many people on these boards talk about feeling the pain in the way you've described:

TooManyTears

There were days when seeing her again felt like it was pulling my heart clear out of my chest. 

It really does feel exactly like someone has wrenched my heart out. I wonder why we are experiencing similar physical reactions... .is my heart working overtime or something?

I just want it to stop feeling that way. Talking to you guys helps.

[GreenMango]

Time helps.

It also helped me to start to not allow myself to get drawn into emotional conversations or anything inappropriate.  For example, no talks like people that are close have, no talking about our day/problems etc.  Just function stuff in your case the kids.

One small step at a time.