New Member Here

[micheal joseph]

Hi

Where to start?... .I am a 50 yr old married guy with great wife , 2 great kids, nice house, nice life... .My Dad, with whom I was "close", as close as you could get with an 80 year old man who suffered from depression and kept a lot to himself, committed suicide 2 years ago. I was quite involved with his care at the end of his life: suffice it to say that his Psychiatrist really dropped the ball with my Dad. ... .If I only knew then what I know now.

My younger brother, who "lived" with him at the time, very bright, serially underemployed for years, very "to himself", emotionally under developed, now lives in a house which I bought in an emerging neighborhood, with the idea that it would be our "project" together. Teach him some practical life skills. Teach him some interpersonal skills dealing with me, and with contractors. Be part of a cool emerging neighborhood. He finally finished his college degree (hooray... .great credit to him), got a real job in financial analysis, and pays me a nominal sub market rent for the apartment that I had rehabbed (at great above market expense, with no help or "buy in" from him). The house project has really been no joy for me because nothing of what I wished to happen between us ever flourished. It's been expensive and contentious.

I now know he is very BPD symptomatic. My experiment with the house had very little chance of success. I knew he was a strange dude 3 years ago, but I never heard of BPD, never matched him up to it until about 3 weeks ago (confirmed by a wonderful psychologist whom I see and who used to see my brother (I paid) until he abruptly and without explanation he stopped seeing). It was my researching personality disorders, and my inexpert "diagnosis", followed by directly questioning this wonderful psychologist who previously would never give me a label for my brother's behavior, that led me to further research this disorder and discover how much is out there. Who knew?

I have already adjusted my expectations of him, expectations which he previously always disappointed. Sometimes the rage and hate and venom that he heaps on me really tore me down to the point of tears. Thank goodness for my wife and family... .curiously all the good, healthy love and affection and wonder of a young family has been a great balm to my spirit... .I find I savor my family's togetherness so much now as an antidote to my Dad's sad end and my brother's tortured/non-existant relationships.

He is still my brother (there are 8 siblings, I the eldest, he the youngest, 13 or 14 yrs between). He has very tenuous if any relationships with the rest of the family... .those that try to help him the most get treated the worst.

Not sure what to expect from this group. Feel like recently joined some kind of strange club that I never knew existed and wouldn't have joined even if I had. Or just got a job that I never really wanted.  But I wish to express my admiration for all those people who put it out there and as a result help others. Thank you, you are brave and kind people.

Peace, Micheal Joseph

[Phoenix.Rising]

  Michael Joseph,

Let me first say that I am sorry to hear about your father.  That must be very difficult.

I hear and understand some of your pain and frustration with your brother.  I believe my mother has BPD and it has been challenging to wrap my head around all of it.  Knowing that others understand and are making progress in their relationships has been a tremendous help.  There is a wealth of information here along with some great people.  I've learned a big part of this is learning how to take better care of ourselves first and foremost.

This video helped me early on, and still does:

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Here is a good article:

Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder

I like what you said about adjusting your expectations.  That is important.  Are you looking to improve your relationship with him, or maybe how you interact?  How often are you in contact?

Phoenix.Rising

[zone out]

Michael Joseph

I want to join Phoenix Rising in welcoming you to BPD family.  I am also very sorry to hear about your father.

Read lots of posts - you will find many of us going through similar experiences.  I have a uBPD mother and consider myself to be on a big learning curve.  Interacting with members on this site has been tremendously beneficial.  I see you have a supportive family of your own, as do I - we are very fortunate.

As Phoenix Rising says we need to take good care of ourselves.  This is a good link -

Boundaries Tools of Respect

Keep reading and posting - let us know how things are going.