Making progress

[Winifred]

Our BPD daughter and 6 month old grand daughter have been living with us for the last month while the police attempt to serve and arrest her ex-boyfriend for second degree assault and related charges. He still harasses her by phone (which the police have actually witnessed), but we think she's safe here 50 miles from her previous location. Beyond all expectations, her stay has gone exceedingly well. She's had three relatively minor emotional episodes from which she's quickly recovered. She's a devoted, attentive mother. She's also, as we already knew, a 13 year old in a 32 year old body, and that's sometimes hard to witness. Nevertheless, we're thankful that she and our grand daughter are safe. I'm putting this out just to suggest that there may be some light at the end of the tunnel. We're fully aware that things could go badly, but for the moment we're enjoying the peace we've been granted. My heart goes out to everyone who's hoping for something similar.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Congratulations, Winifred, to you and your family! That's such good news, and I'm so happy that things are peaceful for you all right now... .One step in front of the other, and aware of all the positive changes, you can feel things getting better. Well done!

Have you by any chance been using any of the communication techniques or any other tools we learn on this site? I'm just curious if you ever find yourself using Validation, S.E.T., Radical Acceptance, etc. in order to help your daughter stay regulated and moving along in the right direction? If so, please let us know... .She may just be doing well on her own right now (is she in Therapy?), or maybe she is reacting well to some sort of different attitude or other change in the way you are dealing with her. Do tell 

I hope your daughter's abusive boyfriend is apprehended soon, so your daughter and granddaughter stay safe, and your whole family can heave a sigh of relief. May things stay calm and peaceful from now on for all of you... .

[Winifred]

Hello Rapt Reader,

Yes, I have been using some of the techniques I've learned here. I'm also trying to teach my husband to use them, but he still has a way to go. From my years of therapy, I'm pretty good at living in the present moment when it comes to my daughter and grand daughter. Things have been very bad for a long time and they may be bad again, but for this present moment they are peaceful, and that is what I concentrate on. Radical acceptance goes like this: she washes her hair but rarely takes a shower. I'm grateful for the clean hair; showers may come in time. The baby's and her room is cluttered, but the baby's clothes are carefully folded away in drawers. The baby is clean, happy, and well-dressed, but her mom wears baggy sweats. I say not a word about how she dresses or about the condition of the room. For validation, I use phrases like "That's understandable," "That's a normal way to feel," "I'm sorry you have to go through this," "I would be afraid too." We set the boundaries long ago: no attitude and say "please" and "thank you." My husband is not as on board as I am, and I will post a separate message about the challenges he faces. Yes, our daughter sees a therapist and a psychiatrist. They have made a big difference. Thank you for all the help you have given us.

[Rapt Reader]

Oh, Winifred 

I'm so glad that you've shared this with us; you are doing so well and your whole family--especially your daughter and her baby!--are benefitting from your diligence and faithfulness to using your new knowledge.

It sounds like you are a pro at Radical Acceptance (I know that I can't get through the day without it!) and also have a good handle on Validation and S.E.T. And, for now, things are good... .You are cognizant of all the Tiny Little Changes that add up to a happier life. I'm so happy for you 

Does your daughter seem to know that you've learned new ways to communicate and accept her? My son will sometimes point things out to me: "Hey, thanks for validating me on this... ." and I realize that he appreciates my efforts (he's had DBT therapy, so we both use the same words   ). I'm so glad to hear that she is going to Therapies, and that they are helping her.

You are doing really well... .Don't give up on your husband. Mine is taking longer to learn how to use these tools and techniques than I am, too, but he is slowly changing his perceptions of and reactions to my son, and he's really starting to "get it" now. Hang in there with him; you are his role model... .Good job!

[js friend]

Great News about your dd and gd Winifred

It seems like you have a great handle on things when it comes to Radical Acceptance and validating your dd.

KNowing that they are both safe and well is what really matters at the end of the day.

And dont worry about your dh, men do seem a lot slower on the uptake but im sure he will eventually come round to the idea when he sees the consistent results, you are having.

Amazing how a calm environment can change things around for our dd's/ds's. your dd is doing her best for gd and that is as much as we grandmas can hope for. It must be so lovely having them with you, after so much worry.

And credit to your dd... .A month away from her abusive partner must feel like an eternity.As you are aware the pull to be with partner... .someone... .anyone... .even an abusive one is very strong our pwBPD's and it is good that you are aware of this.

My dd has been on and off with her for abusive b/f for 4 years now and she is still only 19yo. 

Wishing you continued peace and happiness Winifred

[BioAdoptMom3]

I am so happy for you that things are relatively calm and peaceful right now, and that she is taking good care of her baby!  Thank you so much for taking the time to encourage us!