finally free and feeling it

[gina louise]

I finally got official freedom (yes! the divorce!)



I feel like I have come full circle from fear and desperation-to success and peace.

I am not at all the person I was, so much has happened in the year since I separated from my exh. I wish him well, and I wish myself well.

I have done a lot of soul searching, journaling, prayer and work on my self. I have completed a rigorous course of study, and I am embarking on a completely new career path in the legal field... I am very content with where I am.

Even better I am happy with who I am.

I feel like I am more able to be open, admit and own my feelings than before. I have loosened some of my emotional armor. I don't need it as much as I did. That's a big change for a person like me who grew up guarded, abused and unable to trust.

I am less the victim, more the victor now. I outgrew my victim role. 

It's not perfect, it's not always smooth and straight, but I truly like my Path.

The journey from there to here?

It's been humbling, at times scary as hell, but in the end worth the effort.

Hope everyone is well,

GL

[Rose Tiger]

Hey Gina!    Good to see you and so happy that you are doing well!  Can you explain a little more on what you mean by loosening emotional amor?  I'm not sure what you mean.

[gina louise]

Yes, RT,

how are you?

By "loosening my emotional armor" I mean letting my real Self peek out more. My more vulnerable side.

The side that feels.

Attending to my real feelings instead of stamping them down, ignoring or denying them as I did so much in the past.

Speaking up honestly and not sugar coating my side when something's feeling off, or I need to exit. Being bold enough to state my truth even when I know I won't get the approval or agreement I used to *live* for.

Relating to a few trusted friends... .and NOT spilling my guts to people who aren't safe, reliable or healthy for me.

Asking myself what I want rather than taking cues from others or my surroundings. And then allowing myself to act on that-or not.

Finding ways to express the feelings/sentiments that I don't wish to express openly -that could be harmful to others. I don't need to go bashing others with my truth. LOL

That's some of what I meant... .

GL

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Gina, Well said!  I strive to be authentic these days, too, and make an effort to listen to my gut feelings.  I forgot who I was in the throes of marriage to a pwBPD, which is finally over.  It feels good to be honest with myself again after years of pretending that things were OK when they weren't.  Financial, emotional and physical challenges lie ahead in the aftermath of the BPD tsunami, yet I welcome those obstacles as part of the new ball game.  Lucky Jim

[gina louise]

Lucky Jim,

Thanks very much!

I not only forgot who I was, I worked hard back then to negate who I was -to give precedence to my uBPDh.

That was never necessary! I volunteered.

Laying down my uniform of long suffering was not an easy task. It fit so well. I was used to it.

It was not easy. It was distressing, gut wrenching and painful. Amazingly I feel good, lighter, stronger... .dare I say happier?

I never knew that life, even with the day to day struggles would feel this calm.

I also have the financial, emotional challenges you mentioned, but I no longer lurk and work in the gloom factory as I once did. I quit that job!



More and more now I see that the clean up inside and around me, was absolutely crucial. Otherwise I was in danger of being pulled/lured back. Thinking that a recycle would be a do-over into normalcy. NOT!

Now? Every time I successfully navigate an obstacle, no matter the size-I celebrate.  A lot!

It's quite a switch from where I was a year ago.

thanks,

GL

[Rose Tiger]

Oh!  Ok, I see what you mean, not worrying about trying to please everyone but working on pleasing yourself first.  I like it!  Developing what things are truly important, what are your likes and dislikes, developing a more rounded personality and guarding it against anyone that may try to take it down.  Being ok if someone doesn't like you because you are being true to you.  I love it!

I'm doing ok, I had to get past that fear of what would happen if I did start speaking my own truth versus people pleasing.  Because the fear was keeping me stuck into trying to be perfect.  Thinking of the worse things that could possibly happen and being ok if they did.  It is very freeing.

[Surnia]

Hi Gina,

Great news! I am happy with you and a 

I feel like I have come full circle from fear and desperation-to success and peace.

I am not at all the person I was, so much has happened in the year since I separated from my exh. I wish him well, and I wish myself well.