Finding it hard to accept mother's behavior

[Searsons]

Hi all,

I'm a pretty new member here and have to say that this forum has really helped me to deal with the situation I have with my (u?)BPD mother. My mother has suffered from mental illnesses ever since I was a child, but her recent behavior has led me to suspect that she has BPD as well. Some traits might even have been diagnosed but I have no further knowledge of that.

To make the long story shorter, basically my mother and I had a bit of a falling out recently based on her unreasonable behavior. She was hospitalized against her will and I played an integral part in the process since I really believed that she needed help before she could hurt herself or others financially, emotionally or even physically. She retaliated by calling me the worst possible names you can think of, declaring that I was no longer her daughter and that she wishes I have a horrible life ever after. Words of a loving mom, huh?

After a string of abusive calls and messages she stopped all contact. I found myself in a new situation, somehow relieved but at the same time worried since I didn't want to destroy the whole family unit or at least make it significantly harder for everyone to participate in the family functions etc in case my mom and I would be sending silent daggers at each other's direction every time we got together.

After a period of radio silence she approached me by sending me a letter in which she simply apologized. She did not apologize for her horrible words or actions, but she did acknowledge that an apology was needed. I replied to her and explained that the apology is not enough in itself, but she would need to truly admit that she has a mental illness and needs constant treatment to keep it under control. If she would not take the responsibility for her actions, I could no longer be in touch with her (it should be noted that we've never been close).

Today I received her reply, and I am so disappointed. She keeps on going back to how she feels so hurt I never call her, how she felt so humiliated when she was admitted to hospital against her will (and that's why she used all those horrible words) and if I am not able to accept her non-apology, then she can't help it. In other words she was probably expecting me to say that all has been forgiven and forgotten. Throughout the years she's learned that most people are willing to do that, but I don't feel that I can, not at the moment.

I know that I should probably ignore the tone of the text and just accept that she does not play according to the rules everyone else does, and does not understand her actions. But I just find it so very hard. Has anyone had similar experiences?

[zone out]

Searsons

You sound to be making good progress in dealing with the situation with your mother, but as is common when you are dealing with challenging situations, there can be setbacks.

I know how hurtful name calling and accusations can be - I try and detach from the situation by role playing myself into a pretend professional scenario with my mother - ie I am some sort of therapist and she is my client.  Strange I know, but it works for me and takes away a lot of the hurt.

My guess is that your instinct to ignore the tone of the text is probably best - but if she follows up with any difficult behavior and starts pushing your boundaries, stand firm.  Let us know how things go.

[Exasperated]

It sounds like you have been through a lot! It takes a lot of strength to deal with all that! I'm so sorry that you've been dealt a mother that is so ill. Hang in there! I know how it is.

[Calsun]

Thanks for sharing.  It sounds like you are approaching the situation with a lot of awareness and good boundaries.  To this day, my uBPD mother cannot admit that she ever did anything wrong.  One time while talking about church, my mother said she never needed to go because she never sinned.  And as far as the abuse in our childhood is concerned, she still maintains that we deserved what she considered  "punishment," "discipline."  She really only apologized to me once, and it was with the fear that I would cut off all contact, she imperiously declared, "you're going to have to forgive me."

Horrible dealing with someone with such a character disorder that they blame and project onto their children, rather than taking accountability for their own actions and behavior.  But the irony is that if they could take accountability, they wouldn't be abusive.

Great that your mother was in fact hospitalized in a way.  She is getting some treatment, and you can have the validation of diagnosis of her mental illness.  My mother has never been diagnosed and still maintains that everything in the family is the fault of those around her.  And my siblings are in denial of her illness and unwittingly playing out their family roles to hide it.

There is a prevailing sense that I have had that if I stepped out of my family role then I would be without a family.  That was certainly the case as a child, and I took that belief well into my adult life.  Ready increasingly to give that up and to really embrace health.  Part of my role was the dependent, unhealthy, scapegoat, sick one, the only one with the problem, the only one who went for or needed help, hateful to my mother because I complained about her abuse.  And I have taken on many of those characteristics, since that was the only role that allowed me to have a "family." I had no choice about my family of origin. I am learning to build my own loving family of choice, today, one in which I am embraced as the loving, healthy and lovable person that I am.  

Best,

Calsun

[Silver08]

Your story is so much like mine, and I too played an instrumental role in getting my BPD mother admitted to a psychiatric unit.  I endured the phone calls, nasty letters, and her calling me horrible names.  It shook me to the core. At the time, I didn't know my mom was BPD. It was actually a therapist I started seeing as a result of all of this that said he thought she was BPD. The social worker at the hospital confirmed a personality disorder after my mom was admitted (for the third time) after swallowing a bottle of pills.  I finally broke contact after I told her (calmly to avoid fueling the fire) that I would not speak to her as long as she was being disrespectful and mean. That was a few years ago, and I have learned a lot since then.  I went through many stages, disbelief, anger, sadness and then moved to acceptance and even compassion (a place I NEVER thought I would get to).  It took a long time, but I came to the terms with the fact that my mom is sick. She didn't choose to have BPD, and I can't imagine the pain she endures on a daily basis.  This doesn't mean that I believe it is ok for her to behave as she does, but now I see her more as a very scared, hurt, insecure child that just can't get a hold of her emotions. I stopped questioning and trying to understand because I knew I never would.  My mom and I have gotten close again (something I never thought would happen) because the doctors finally got her on the right medication.  I am enjoying having the mother I never had, but I do so with my guard up, and I know that if she goes back to her old ways and steps over the line, I will not hesitate to disconnect again.  It is hard and it is painful, but I have to protect myself and my family (husband and child). I wish you the best. It isn't easy, but you definitely aren't alone.

[Suzn]

Today I received her reply, and I am so disappointed. She keeps on going back to how she feels so hurt I never call her, how she felt so humiliated when she was admitted to hospital against her will (and that's why she used all those horrible words) and if I am not able to accept her non-apology, then she can't help it. In other words she was probably expecting me to say that all has been forgiven and forgotten. Throughout the years she's learned that most people are willing to do that, but I don't feel that I can, not at the moment.

Is this the first time your mother was admitted against her will? Has she been admitted willingly before? This was likely a scary experience. Searsons this is such a difficult position to be in, you were concerned for her well being, understandable. I know how painful it is to be called names. Your mother is defending herself here. You could also look at it as an explanation. Did she use the words non-apology? I also understand being in a place where you are not ready to accept an apology, the sting of being hurt doesn't always go away immediately. Maybe sitting with this till you feel ready to open communication?