please help me out, how do you deal with their indifference towards us?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

We would of been together for 2 years yesterday. I haven't heard from her in such a long time. I

Most days I have strength and I have an overwhelming feeling of positivity. I also think kabout the future and give thanks she is no longer in my life. I vehemently am against any sort of thinking about her and her realizing she messed up.

Sometimes I feel down. I feel like crap. I miss her but I don't want her. What kills me whenever I feel like this is her indifference towards me. her "not phased, who's iamdizzy? Ya we went out, he's bad who cares" attitude. It's not because of childhood or any issue, as a human being, that ___ hurts. Someone who meant a lot has a "huh? Who cares?" About me, the suffering, and the relationship.

Anyone in my position? How do you guys get through this? I feel like crap, I hate having my feelings flux like this.

[Iamdizzy]

We would of been together for 2 years yesterday. I haven't heard from her in such a long time. I

Most days I have strength and I have an overwhelming feeling of positivity. I also think kabout the future and give thanks she is no longer in my life. I vehemently am against any sort of thinking about her and her realizing she messed up.

Sometimes I feel down. I feel like crap. I miss her but I don't want her. What kills me whenever I feel like this is her indifference towards me. her "not phased, who's iamdizzy? Ya we went out, he's bad who cares" attitude. It's not because of childhood or any issue, as a human being, that ___ hurts. Someone who meant a lot has a "huh? Who cares?" About me, the suffering, and the relationship.

Anyone in my position? How do you guys get through this? I feel like crap, I hate having my feelings flux like this.

[HarmKrakow]

We would of been together for 2 years yesterday. I haven't heard from her in such a long time. I

Most days I have strength and I have an overwhelming feeling of positivity. I also think kabout the future and give thanks she is no longer in my life. I vehemently am against any sort of thinking about her and her realizing she messed up.

Sometimes I feel down. I feel like crap. I miss her but I don't want her. What kills me whenever I feel like this is her indifference towards me. her "not phased, who's iamdizzy? Ya we went out, he's bad who cares" attitude. It's not because of childhood or any issue, as a human being, that ___ hurts. Someone who meant a lot has a "huh? Who cares?" About me, the suffering, and the relationship.

Anyone in my position? How do you guys get through this? I feel like crap, I hate having my feelings flux like this.

I think we are all in your shoes mate.

All.

However, what we have to learn is that they don't have indifference towards us. We feel as if they have indifference towards us. They project indifference and we interpret that that they don't give an ___ about us. They do. They truly do. They DO care about us. However we triggered ancient fears within them which let them have a brainwire earthquake in their head, and therefore they smear us, they push us away and don't want or seemingly don't want anything to do with us.

You would like to be validated, You would like some nice cozy words that you meant something to her as she did to you. I can tell you, YOU DID MATE. Why? Because she entered a relationship with you, and chose you, because she truly thought she could find stability within being with you. Per definition you meant something to her. She smears and is not nice right now, purely out of the fact that she of course has to believe in the fact that it's better that you guys are not together anymore and why would she then still show intimate emotions towards you? They don't have that remember ... .

[Turkish]

We would of been together for 2 years yesterday. I haven't heard from her in such a long time. I

Most days I have strength and I have an overwhelming feeling of positivity. I also think kabout the future and give thanks she is no longer in my life. I vehemently am against any sort of thinking about her and her realizing she messed up.

Sometimes I feel down. I feel like crap. I miss her but I don't want her. What kills me whenever I feel like this is her indifference towards me. her "not phased, who's iamdizzy? Ya we went out, he's bad who cares" attitude. It's not because of childhood or any issue, as a human being, that ___ hurts. Someone who meant a lot has a "huh? Who cares?" About me, the suffering, and the relationship.

Anyone in my position? How do you guys get through this? I feel like crap, I hate having my feelings flux like this.

Me, too. I like what Harm said above. Six years, two kids, she still living in my house. She wanting to go out to dinner and a concert as if we were just buddies and everything didn't matter. Like she told me the other night "well, we had a good six year run... ." What the heck? It mattered and still matters to me. To hell with her. I won't give her that validation to whatever is twisted around inside of her. And I know it is, because still living with her, I see the mask drop now and then.

And she posted she was thankful for her kids, family, and me on FB last night... .it's like she's fast forwarded a few years where I am still in daily turmoil (but moving slowly towards the acceptance phase). Maybe it would be good to read the detaching/leaving article. It summarizes how quickly they move on from us, or seem to on the outside, as if we didn't already have it shoved in our faces.

[isseeu]

aw Dizzy... .I so get where you're coming from.  The feeling disposed of/feeling of indifference- it's the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around-illness or no.  My relationship with my unBPDbf ex (okay, I still don't get the abbreviations right-but you know what I mean) was 2+ years and it was great, right up to the end over Fourth of July weekend when I saw a darkness come over him, then a rage and a "that's it!  we're over!"  around some trigger that I will never truly understand.  I knew it wasn't another person because we had been almost inseparable for 24/7 for most of that time.  My family loved him, my friends loved him... I loved him... and I am left trying to explain something that I don't really understand to people who had been brought into his life who are also blindsided at his total absence now.  I've sent some texts that are kind, leaving the door open to a conversation, sent photos of our friends, stuff... .  he simply doesn't respond.  I even sent a letter-nothing too heavy, just a connection... .no response.  Once again, trying the NC thing-but it's so not who I am.

The longer time goes on, the more I realize that I ignored red flags all along.  I didn't know about BPD however, until after the breakup.  Thank god for this place, for my counselor, for friends and family... .mostly for the information about this disorder that helps me move closer and closer from the pain to acceptance of a horrible disorder.  I feel sure that if he ever does contact me, I will see him but wouldn't go back.  I'm doing much better-with dips from time to time.

I don't know if ~ 4 months is a long time for them to go silent and then reconnect, or if that's it.  Over, done, period.  Really hard to accept-especially after the loving attempts at connection I've tried to make.  No blaming, no crap-just the request to talk with him-or to have him tell me to get the hell out of his life.  Nothing... absolute silence.  Unfortunately he lives very close (he moved here to be near to me) so I see his truck parked outside his apartment-or I don't over a weekend and wonder where he is, who he may be with. 

My feelings flux too... .  right there with you 

[Iamdizzy]

Harmkrakow,

I do believe that we meant something, That's why we triggered them. It's just so hurtful from a human aspect,  to be dismissed like that. She was with another guy while I was mourning our break up. I guess the best way to summarize this is

she has made such a tremendous impact to me and its damn near impossible to just say my BPDex? Who cares? ... .I feel like I was just a toy that she just got bored with. I was nothing, I meant nothing. Yeah, one could say you don't need validating from her and yes, it's me who does that but getting to the primal human nature root of this, it's just hurtful. To have someone who put you through hell and they have no inkling or regard or care about you, it stings.

Isseeu & Turkish,

Thank you both, it's nice to know there are people who actually get it. Who actually get the pain. The death of hope that we so foolishly place on them.

How do you guys cope? What do you guys recommend?

[HarmKrakow]

Harmkrakow,

I do believe that we meant something, That's why we triggered them. It's just so hurtful from a human aspect,  to be dismissed like that. She was with another guy while I was mourning our break up. I guess the best way to summarize this is

she has made such a tremendous impact to me and its damn near impossible to just say my BPDex? Who cares? ... .I feel like I was just a toy that she just got bored with. I was nothing, I meant nothing. Yeah, one could say you don't need validating from her and yes, it's me who does that but getting to the primal human nature root of this, it's just hurtful. To have someone who put you through hell and they have no inkling or regard or care about you, it stings.

Isseeu & Turkish,

Thank you both, it's nice to know there are people who actually get it. Who actually get the pain. The death of hope that we so foolishly place on them.

How do you guys cope? What do you guys recommend?

I cope with the realization that I can't blame her for making me feel hit. It stings you say? Yes, if she did it on purpose to hurt me. But she didn't.

Have I been through hell and forth? You bet ya, I was totally dysfunctional for a good 2 months, endless crying, suicidal contemplation, lots of therapy, anti depressants. Now I am off all of that ...

You talk about the primal root of a human being. That starts with you, and not with someone else. I also struggle with the feeling that I didn't mean jack ape-sh!t to her. But I know I did, at a certain point in time. That is sufficient for me. That I want validation out of something which can't give it to me is not her problem but mine. I can't ask a blind person to guide me the way.

Put it the other way around, if she would validate you, and show empathy to your feelings now you have broken up, that'd be more scary. Cuz those are not signs of BPD, but those are signs of normal sanity.

[saw_tooth]

[quote author=Iamdizzy link=topic=211617.msg12329381#msg12329381 date=1382134579

Sometimes I feel down. I feel like crap. I miss her but I don't want her. What kills me whenever I feel like this is her indifference towards me. her "not phased, who's iamdizzy? Ya we went out, he's bad who cares" attitude. It's not because of childhood or any issue, as a human being, that ___ hurts. Someone who meant a lot has a "huh? Who cares?" About me, the suffering, and the relationship.Anyone in my position? How do you guys get through this? I feel like crap, I hate having my feelings flux like this. [/quote]
Totally understand how dizzy this must be making you feel ... .been there,experienced that time and again.

The first thing to do is to understand and fully accept the fact that their behavior has nothing to do with the way you treated them.Do not take it personally,you will cry yourself to sleep every night for the rest of your life if you do but it won't change them.

Second thing to understand is that it is an emotional regulation and attachment disorder.The more care and love you bestow upon them,the more indifferent/distant/harsh they are because being loved triggers them.Indifference /being distant/running away is their way of going back to their 'safe world'.It is a defense mechanism that helps them get past each day.

Thirdly,there is a lot of chaos and confusion in their fractured emotional realm which does not allow them to attach/ bond or care like a non(non's bonding=sustained,deepens with time if things go well,emotionally connected,has a mourning period if things end).Hence they are able to leave easily/project/take on new identities(refer my other post) as fast as changing clothes.

So,in summary,accepting the above stated facts and realizing that she was never experiencing 'love' and 'bonding' the way you were even during the relationship will help you to stop hurting.

Wish you strength and courage to let go and move to better things that life has in store for you.

Good luck.

[Turkish]

Isseeu & Turkish,

Thank you both, it's nice to know there are people who actually get it. Who actually get the pain. The death of hope that we so foolishly place on them.

How do you guys cope? What do you guys recommend?

You know what? I am not there yet, since I will apparently have to live with her for a month, possible a few now. I HATE seeing her every day, because despite what she did, I want her even more now, I don't know why. So I try to stay away. Can't fantasize about it.

I am better, much better than I was a month ago, definitely two. Talk to friends. Post and read here (I am doing so much, hope I don't get warned :^). Drink a little, if you have to now and then.

I also copy certain posts that resonate with me into a document I am saving for later.

Find a therapist, if you can afford one (my budget is blown now, so I am going every week, despite her costing me about $12K over the last two months... .savings depleted, piddly investments sold). Get some outside alone time unless you are really depressed. Then get help. Seriously. Though is natural to feel depressed. I took the depression test posted here on... .the taking inventory board? Turns out that I am moderately depressed. Nothing suicidal though. Don't feel bad if you cry. I don't totally lose it, but I do for a minute or two throughout the day. At work, in the car, even with the kids, though I try to catch myself around them and stop it. It's ok. It is natural and healthy. I've rejected my old school theory that real mean don't cry through all of this.

[HarmKrakow]

I also copy certain posts that resonate with me into a document I am saving for later.

Helps?

[saw_tooth]

To have someone who put you through hell and they have no inkling or regard or care about you, it stings.

Sure it stings,hurts like hell.Day after day,as long as you hold on and 'expect' them to have some semblance of decency and an iota of sensitivity and empathy for how much we are hurting.But that day never comes and we realize they are incapable of emotions.

That is when it stops stinging.

Give yourself time,you will get there.

[Turkish]

Second thing to understand is that it is an emotional regulation and attachment disorder.The more care and love you bestow upon them,the more indifferent/distant/harsh they are because being loved triggers them. Indifference /being distant/running away is their way of going back to their 'safe world'.It is a defense mechanism that helps them get past each day.

Mine was triggered... .but over the last year she sensed my indifference and resentment towards her. I need to deal with that on my own. It triggered her to be more angry and detach from me quite easily into a safe relationship with basically a 20+ year old who sounded like, the way she described him to me, like the emotional equivalent of a 13 year old. Safe. Easy. She correctly surmised my emotions... .she just misinterpreted the reasons behind them. At least the other night she verbalized that she did treat me horribly. There is hope for her, perhaps, but I can't be her dad anymore. She got the love she desired from me (her dad), but the resentment and anger broke through the mirror. Pretty high functioning, sometimes... .but otherwise, our story is similar to so many here.

[Turkish]

I also copy certain posts that resonate with me into a document I am saving for later.

Helps?

Posts of others, only one or two of mine. It will help me write the book later, heh. I don't know, that's just me.

Yeah, right. I've always said I'd write a book about my childhood, but I don't think I could without hurting my mother, so probably not, but who knows?

[HarmKrakow]

I also copy certain posts that resonate with me into a document I am saving for later.

Helps?

Posts of others, only one or two of mine. It will help me write the book later, heh. I don't know, that's just me.

Yeah, right. I've always said I'd write a book about my childhood, but I don't think I could without hurting my mother, so probably not, but who knows?

Doing others pain, is basically one of the inevitable things we do in life. It happens. Nothing you can do about it. Are you going to chose for your mother or yourself?

You've got quite an interesting selection of post turkish!

[Hazelrah]

We would of been together for 2 years yesterday. I haven't heard from her in such a long time. I

Most days I have strength and I have an overwhelming feeling of positivity. I also think kabout the future and give thanks she is no longer in my life. I vehemently am against any sort of thinking about her and her realizing she messed up.

Sometimes I feel down. I feel like crap. I miss her but I don't want her. What kills me whenever I feel like this is her indifference towards me. her "not phased, who's iamdizzy? Ya we went out, he's bad who cares" attitude. It's not because of childhood or any issue, as a human being, that ___ hurts. Someone who meant a lot has a "huh? Who cares?" About me, the suffering, and the relationship.

Anyone in my position? How do you guys get through this? I feel like crap, I hate having my feelings flux like this.

Right there with you Dizzy, to the point that yesterday was the anniversary of our first date (4 years ago).  We would always meet at the same location each year to celebrate... .we looked forward to it so much.  Leading up to yesterday I entertained unhealthy fantasies that she would suddenly want us to reunite there, at least to see one another for the first time in nearly four months.  I realize this isn't conducive to healing, but I slide every now and again. 

To be honest, I dread her next stab at communication with me--it will likely be leading one step closer to the divorce she says she wants.  I need to prepare myself for this--I'm getting stronger, but I have a long way to go. 

[isseeu]

Dizzy,

How do I cope... .I too am in counseling. I specifically chose a therapist who specializes in BPD. She has helped me understand the pain and darkness of their disorder. Somehow, being in a place of compassion and understanding calms me a bit. Of course it brings out all of the "if I only knew then what I know now" thoughts. That's the caretaker- the fixer/savior in me- and you just can't save them as we are all trying to accept. So, we are now (trying to) focus on me- why I was attracted, what was really there (or frankly not) in terms of deep emotional connection. I still hijack the conversation with my counselor and try to get answers about what's going on in his head, what he may or may not be doing- and she is patient- but reminds me that these are questions with no answers.

I too started on anti depressants- lost 20# over 2 months- not sleeping, etc.I was in a dark deep hole I couldn't see out of. I will stay on them thru the holidays then reassess.  Things are a bit better- actually I'm able to function again at work, work out, etc. I have relied heavily on friends and family.

So very very hard- but it gets incrementally better. I know from his daughters and friends (he has exactly 2 friends) that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.  I'm realizing (on good days) that I'm pretty great and that he lost a lot.  

[DragoN]

They project indifference and we interpret that that they don't give an ___ about us.

I'll beg to differ a bit here, they hate us. When the switch flips? It's hatred. They can't do indifference. Also, each pwBPD is different. Some are more extreme than others. Mine is extreme. Love/ Hate. In the middle is contempt for me.

Sawtooth

Sure it stings,hurts like hell.Day after day,as long as you hold on and 'expect' them to have some semblance of decency and an iota of sensitivity and empathy for how much we are hurting.But that day never comes and we realize they are incapable of emotions.

That is when it stops stinging.

It will be like trying to turn lead into gold to get a pwBPD to see the pain they have caused you.

If they come back? It's to recycle you. For their benefit.

If you finally leave during the devaluation phase? They will hate you with such vehemence. It's a horrible disorder. Lao Tzu made a good point in another thread about reading the BPD boards, when you see what they are writing? It's another reality. Not one I want to be part of any longer.

 nothing hurts worse than the emotional pain of dealing with a pwBPD. But when the mask drops, that's who they really are. Not the mirror they presented. Eventually we must detach, and carry on. Hurts, but staying with them, hurts far more.

[Ironmanrises]

The indifference they portray... .

Is an appearance.

It is all part of the control... .

The pwBPD wishes to exert... .

Over you.

What better... .

And more... .

Brutally effective way... .

Can they display... .

To hurt... .

Those whom... .

Get closest to them... .?

Indifference.

Now infuse... .

A little thinking... .

If they were really indifferent... .

They wouldn't have BPD... .

Right... .?

That would require self reflection... .

Right... .?

Remember... .

If you read the accounts on here... .

What exactly have any... .

Of us Nons... .

Done to the pwBPD... .

To elicit... .

This harsh response... .?

What crime did we commit... .

To them... .

To get this in response... .?

There is one... .

We loved them.

That was the crime.

And for that... .

We are guilty.

The more you loved them... .

The closer you got to them... .

The harder... .

They doled out that... .

Appearance... .

Of indifference... .

At the end.

My exUBPDgf... .

Was no different.

[hopealways]

"The more you loved them... .

The closer you got to them... .

The harder... .

They doled out that... .

Appearance... .

Of indifference... .

At the end.

My exUBPDgf... .

Was no different."

Beautifully stated, once again, Ironmanfalls.

Their indifference really is a game, a punishment. They are trying to punish us, they are sadists.

[DragoN]

We loved them.

That was the crime.

And for that... .

We are guilty.

True. And at which point along the way are we guilty of not being true to ourselves?

Why put up with such lousy behavior?

www.arachnoid.com/psychology/victimhood.php

This is quite a thought provoking article.

Successful people don't become victims for another reason — they know if they won't take responsibility when things go wrong, they lose the right to take credit when things go right. This is a statement, one among many, of the symmetry principle. Perpetual victims are subject to the symmetry principle also, but because of their utterly negative outlook on life, they don't expect anything ever to go right, so being a victim has no downside.

The more you loved them... .

The closer you got to them... .

The harder... .

They doled out that... .

Appearance... .

Of indifference... .

At the end.

My exUBPDgf... .

Was no different.

And the more I loved myself and knew without question that my self worth was more important to me than what my partner was dishing out at me? The less inclined was I to put up with the horrible treatment and as such, he mirrored my walls/detachment. He tried to get through with the usual, emotional blackmail, FOG and all the other weapons of choice. But when you know what they are? They lose their effect. The Love I once felt, slowly and painfully died as the moves on the chessboard of the games of his manipulation became terribly and painfully apparent.

BPD do not and cannot comprehend reciprocity. They can mime and mimic the concept in an abstract sense, but in a one on one they cannot do it. I will not flatter myself with the thought that my partner loved, he cannot. He hates himself. He cannot love another, he can take pride in the accomplishments of his children as they are a reflection of himself in his mind. But to love and empathize? That would be a rarity.

[Traumatized]

Mine actually told me, "I feel indifferent towards you.  I don't care about you anymore.  I feel nothing for you.  You don't matter to me at all and I don't care what happens to you."

How did I deal with that?

Tears!  Lots of tears!  And panic attacks.  Those words... .and the words, "I don't love you anymore," really hurt me.  I know that was the point.  She was discarding me and trying to cause me as much pain as possible.  It worked.

[Iamdizzy]

Thank you all... .

I just had a nice glass of my favorite beer and I Must say this is what I needed. I am in no way drowning my sorrows at the bottom of a vodka bottle. I sit here in my heartache, thinking so much.

How can I be a better person?

What's going to be different for me?

What lessons has she thought me?


Of course, I'd like to know if someone whom I made love to, cared for deeply, even entertained the possibility of having a future and dare I say, kids with, deep down cares. Or at least masks her pain when it comes to me. I'd like to know that I meant something p, sh-t this pain that I feel, it be nice to know

Hey Ismdizzy, I cared for you, I love you, I want to be with you, I think about you all the time, but I am disordered. I understand I can't be good for you, I don't understand myself but I do understand that I'm not good for you.

Maybe it's the beer talkin g (I like my beers strong) but who knows.

[Ironmanrises]

"The more you loved them... .

The closer you got to them... .

The harder... .

They doled out that... .

Appearance... .

Of indifference... .

At the end.

My exUBPDgf... .

Was no different."

Beautifully stated, once again, Ironmanfalls.

Their indifference really is a game, a punishment. They are trying to punish us, they are sadists.

Spot on Hope.

A game... .

Where... .

We are completely... .

Outmatched.

A game... .

Where... .

The punishment... .

Has catastrophic... .

Consequences... .

On the non... .

Us.

You.

Me.

A game... .

That has no win... .

At the end.

[snappafcw]

Iamdizzy

I also hope for the same things. Even though I am not without my flaws I was a very good man to her and It hurts very much when it feels like i didn't even make an indent in her heart... .

We already have issues with self worth and this scenario doesn't help things... .

[Ironmanrises]

To answer IamDizzys original question... .

How do you deal with their indifference towards us... .?

In round 1 of discard... .

My exUBPDgf told me... .

"Ironmanfalls... .

There is nothing about you that i really like... ."

She initiated the relationship.

How did i deal with that... .?

I just had come across BPD... .

At that time... .

And the words... .

Still tore right through my ironman suit.

I cried for weeks.

Would read the accounts on here... .

As a guest.

My artwork... .

At that time... .

Helped me cope.

I started to heal... .

3 months into NC... .

That is when she returned.

In round 2 of discard... .

My exUBPDgf told me... .

"Ironmanfalls... .

There is nothing about you that i really like... ."

You read correctly.

She said... .

The same exact... .

F¥cking thing... .

That she told me in round 1.

And she was the one... .

Who returned to me.

Begging and crying.

How did i deal with that... .?

By finally posting on this forum.

And sharing with you guys... .

What i have been undergoing.

And the tears... .

Returned... .

In massive streams.

Although she said the same thing... .

It hurt me far more.

Her behavior towards me... .

Ripped my ironman suit... .

To shreds.

I am still dealing.

But i am also healing.

Hang in there IamDizzy.

You are not alone.

[hopealways]

Ironmanfalls, you mention the 3 months of NC in round 1 and now you are hitting another 3 months if I am not mistaken - my BPDex told me she left the only other "good guy" she dated before me out of the blue and because she was not happy, then went back to him after 2 months because she wanted to get back with him only to find out (and I think she is lying about this reason) that he had slept with her other boyfriend's ex girlfriend whom she hated so she decided she could not be with him.  My guess is he did NOT want her back and she made up that story... .BUT then she said her next boyfriend she suspected cheated on her so she left him and then came back once again after 2 months and forgave him (again I take her stories with a grain of salt because she is a liar).

So what's with this 2 month (mine) / 3 month (yours) pattern? Are these patterns? Or are they pretending on being indifferent and punishing us in this time?  I am 5 weeks NC and the thought of her trying to contact me after 2 months gives me the creeps.  Maybe borderlines have some type of internal clock which allows them to maintain NC for only a set period of time whereas we NONS who are healing are able to maintain NC indefinitely.

[snappafcw]

I'm pretty confident my uBPDexgf's clock will ignore me forever now... .Ironman things she will reach out again but I doubt it. Just like my thread below I think she is too much of a coward even if she wanted to.

[hopealways]

I'm pretty confident my uBPDexgf's clock will ignore me forever now... .Ironman things she will reach out again but I doubt it. Just like my thread below I think she is too much of a coward even if she wanted to.

They definitely are cowards. I am hoping to be on the fast track to healing because I want to be able to ignore her attempts, if any.  That's the only way.

[goldylamont]

i guess at times i try to embrace the indifference, as i feel it is real for her at times. other times i see it as her biggest lie. the thing i'm working on now is seeing this person as worthless, but without anger or hate. and it's kind of a fine line, but i feel like i'm getting there.

truth be told i feel like it's a race to full devaluation of this person. but i don't want to devalue her out of a reaction of hate/anger/revenge. i acknowledge these feelings though, but want to let them run their course and then leave me alone because truly i know that i'm safe now. i think what's shocking for all of us is the speed and toxicity pwBPD do their devaluing of us--well, it's just that they've had *lots* of practice, you know? none of this behavior was new to my ex, i'm now seeing, really the hate/devaluing is her true self and something i was able to stave off longer in her than any of her previous r/s... .i'm sure she'll meet and be with someone that can stabilize and be with her longer in the future too. and that's all good.

i guess what i'm saying is that yes it does hurt to be devalued not only so fast, but usually with malicious intent. i think it's important to know that we also have the power to fully devalue them over time, even if slower. because slower means that we are actually *dealing* with our feelings, so it's more real. besides, when we're done devaluing them it will be done with so much more class and tact  

[DragoN]

I'd prefer not to get caught up in the PD think. Devalue? It's not necessary to do so. I make my choice to remain or leave the r/s based on the actions of my partner. Their actions and behaviors towards me may be of a devaluing and PD driven nature however my thought processes and emotions will not follow such a vulgar formula.

Losing respect for another and respecting yourself enough to leave a toxic person is not a devaluation of another. It's valuing yourSelf above the level that they would wish to place you.

[Ironmanrises]

Hope... .

It is a cycle of behavior... .

A pattern.

The time period... .

Is most likely due... .

To the amount of time... .

It takes the pwBPD... .

To return to a baseline... .

Or flatline... .

Of emotional behavior.

Remember... .

Since we trigger them... .

And they dysregulate in the process... .

And paint us black... .

That painting of black... .

Does not remain permanent.

Every time... .

They return... .

They are painting you white... .

And once we trigger them again... .

Inevitably... .

They paint us black again.

For them to return... .

To an undysregulated state... .

Is a slow process.

With the non out of the picture... .

They slowly return to that state... .

And then... .

They remember... .

In a needy way... .

That they want us again... .

And we are painted white... .

And the cycle begins anew.

Also... .

For them to paint us white... .

Means... .

Someone else got painted black.

In my case... .

From what i saw... .

It was her mother... .

Who was painted black... .

When she returned to me... .

Then painted white... .

While i was painted black.

Confusing... .?

Yes.

BPD... .

Hell on earth.

Snap... .

Your ex has tested the water with you... .

With that song request.

Do not be surprised... .

If she attempts another contact with you.

Do not let your guard down.

It is a pattern of behavior.

Not all pwBPD do this... .

But a lot of the accounts on here... .

Describe a far too similar tale.