Do my sister in law has BPD ? :(

[jiji_87]

Hi everyone... first time I go on a forum for asking a question

Ive been reading a lot of forum lately ( excuse my english ... not my first language ) and questioning myself about a new member that entered our family 2 years ago. I just want to understand what is wrong here and WHY this is so difficult to have a good relation with her ... This her is my sister in law... .

Because if I had not read any document about BPD I would simply say that my sister in law is the incarnate DEMON

Never had enemies in my whole life and now that girl appear and acting all so bad and mean with me when I never had any conflict with any of my brother's ex ( I loved them all and was always sad when it didn't worked out... but now im feeling bad about my feelings that wish that she was not my SIL  and feel really bad for my brother that I love so much ...

After 2 years of interrogation and not understanding her actions or not knowing what I was suppose to do or react to all this, I started to search on the internet about an explication because I was keeping all this unconfort inside of me and I wasn’t feeling right with this, either is my mom ... ( dont like her either )

I’m not a psychologist, but when I started reading descriptions of borderline oh... my ... god….  

First of all… have to say that her mother is depressive ( take pills )  his father works a lot and seems to be everywhere else except home ( If her mother is like my sister in law, I understand why )

And she got another sister that is bipolar (diagnosed ). She told me once ( my SIL ) that a lot of suicide occured in her family and that could be a possible solution for her one day because in its family it’s recurrent…

At first when she said that I just though… okay…. Well…. Not for me but, I tried to be comprehensive and though, may be that’s a logical reaction if you have a depress family. You know… I did'nt know much about mental health at that time… I should be aware of that first detail that I heard at the beginning of their relation.

She was with another guy before she met my brother, my brother said that when they started flirting together, she was still with the other man. I was mad at him because for me, this is really not a good start for a couple and he knew all this but, she was so ‘’ sweet and kind and fragile innocent and she like all the same thing that I like ‘’.  Weeks after, my cousin, that went to school with her in his teen age told me that she did the same thing to his ex-ex at school too. Well, the kind of girl that can’t be by her own NEVER. If she is BPD, she is not the kind that change partner every years but, keep the same partner like 4 or 5 years long ( split 3 or 4 time with him ) and change to another one. It’s like a pattern that she has since she’s a teen ( the years that I know because of my cousin )

She is VERY controlling, like... subtly control to who my brother talks by interrupting conversation if my brother is speaking to a girl or even ME but SHE can speak to the entire masculine world if she wants that is not a problem. Oh and, if my brother went out while she was working, she was overwelming him with a  load of texts messages that was saying I dont know what. One day, my brother was getting drunk and stop answers her texts, it's was his birthday jesus christ, let him go party sometimes !... .oh my gosh, she arrived just after her work, talk 2 minutes to his friends ( that didn't want my brother to go ) and grab my brother home ! The party was over ... poor bro ...

So yeah... very jealous ... I don’t understand How you can be jealous of your sister’s boyfriend, im not gonna fall in love with him, it’s my brother !  YERK

She is also a REAL Shopping freak, she only have part time jobs here and there but, her mother is paying all her studies and rent and she got a new piece of clothes EVERY time I see her. ( She is 26 )

And when I have a new piece of clothes it’s like she becomes really pissed off  and  I really don’t understand the logic... like she was comparing te me and failed some kinf of a game ! Don’t know...

Her mother is weird too by the way. She is often talking about her daughters like they were nuts when she is in public or in front of certain persons ( her daughters aren't there when she does that ), like she was trying to compete with them to appear better in public or I don’t know….  But on facebook she is always talking about how her daughters are so perfect…. O_o ... .what the...

Anyway… That’s not the point...

My sister in law change business orientation 3 times, in middle of that she went traveling for 2 years around the canada with her mother paying nearly all the bills. She was working here and there but never keep a job really long or if she was able to keep it it’s because it was seasonal job that could give her a break between. Last year she wanted to change orientation carreer again and her mother told her that is was not a possibility, because she was tired to pay and that she had to take her responsibilities. THANKS GOD

She also change her friends circle all the time. She do ty things to them and it’s always everybodies fault, never HER fault. So necessarily… when you are unable to apologize your , people tend to go away.

She is also REALLY competitive, she always have to be the best in every area... but every sane person knows that it’s impossible. So when someone is better than her, she can focus on THAT part that she fails for the next 6 months to finally show to everybody that she is finally better... .haha... .

She can be easily depress too…like she don’t tolerate to be alone, when my brother is not at home she flies right to her mother house and come back when my brother finish his day of work… She always have to do something to get attention or compliment OR to occupy her mind. Like, if she can’t be the centre of attention in a discussion, she have to move somewhere else to do something, she can’t just stand somewhere and listen a conversation if she cannot be in it. She can quit the dining table in a middle of a conversation to go in front of the TV ! My mother get so pissed when this happen but she tries his best to keep calm... .

Oh and she also have changed her passions when she met my brother, she starts to be really interested in cars ( a department she don’t know at all before ) and do a lot of research on the internet and say to everyone that it’s so a great passion that always interest her … just to please my brother and seem to appear the ‘’ best girlfriend he could never have ‘’ but that’s just fake because lately she is always mad at my brother that he is always thinking about cars and buying stuff for his car and not her


SO. I could go on and on and on … but, I think my text is enough long :P

What do you think about this ? What should I do ? What I should NOT do is also a great question I think….

Thank you for reading me and I hope that what I wrote was readable haha !

[popeye6031]

Hi Jiji.  Sorry to hear of your concerns for you brother and how it is affecting you.

From what you have said, it sounds like there are traits of BPD with your SIL.

How is you brother handling things?  Has he changed as a person since meeting his wife?  Is he stressed or seeming depressed?

Have you talked to him about your concerns and if he is feeling the frustrations you are feeling?

It is obviously having a big effect on you, so it is likely he is also but choosing not to talk about it.  If so, Maybe direct him to this website as it will be a big help.

Best of luck to you and your brother.

[zone out]

Hi Jiji

Welcome to BPD family, this is a perfect place to learn about the condition and discuss all the concerns you have about your SIL.  Don't be feeling bad about wishing she wasn't your SIL. Bpd is a challenging condition to deal with - nobody here will judge you.

When I joined the site I found the information on the following link useful:- Facts About Borderline Personality Disorder

I also read the very aptly named book "Walking on Eggshells" which explained a lot about my uBPD mother,

Popeye6031 asks some good questions - tell us whether you have discussed your concerns with your brother and how he seems to be coping.

Keep posting and let us know how things are going.

 

[jiji_87]

Thank you for reading my big email

To respond to your questions popeye ( that are great questions by the way )

Yeah... sadly, my brother has changed ... the most obvious change I saw is that he is not the same with me when she is around and when she is not. Is this something common ? Like, I clearly feel that when my SIL is around and I talk to him, he is uncomfortable.

He don't say much... respond the shortest answers possible to switch conversation or talk to someone else after a little while. Or should I say, to talk to another man. At first I thought that she only got a problem with me, but I saw that she is fighting ( fighting for attention ) every girls that speak to my brother

When she is not there my brother came back to the lovely brother I always had.

Here is the only time my brother seemed to see something wrong with her ( because she is always subtil when it comes to be mean with me, never a direct shot because she don't want anybody to see it except me of course )

One day, She was in the pool ( at my parent's house ) with 6 or 7 friends of my brother ( all males ) and my brother was sit on a chair out of the pool speaking to nobody, almost sleeping ( he was hangover ). She was having fun, smiling and doing her things ( her things for me means : She was acting to impress males with her body and telling jokes to get every guy attention )

So then, I arrived with my boyfriend in his great car, I didn't know they were there. All the guys that were in the pool get out and came to see the car of my boyfriend ( they all love cars like my brother and my boyfriend, it's kind of their passion  ) So they let her alone in the pool and I cleary saw that she was pissed ( no more attention on her )

She stays in the pool alone and instead of saying hi and come see us, she says immiedatly to my brother :

You seem bored... do you want us to go home ?

My brother said, my sister just arrived ! we are not gonna leave like we dont know her ?

Like for the first time he saw that he is aware that something was wrong, I was Oh my god finally there is may be hope... but sadly it's the first and only time I noticed something from my brother. 

I think he is ignoring most of the weirdness for now... or he don't want to face the truth... my brother is more like... fleeing the problem than facing them. I also heard that my SIL was saying awful thing about me to some people, 2 of my friends heard of that and report it to me, I was shocked... like I was mean with her all the time and jealous of her.

So after that... I though that she was may be doing a brain wash to my brother too and I am so scared to talk about how my SIL is acting with me to him because Im scared that by doing this I will confirm all the awfull thing she say about me, do you understand ? I think it's what she wants me to do, so after that she can shows the world and confirm that she is the victim and I say horrible thing about her.

She already prepared the ground to this, like, she knew it would happens because clearly, she is the jealous and mean person... and logically, I am supose to react at some point

And beyond all that, my brother seems to love her anyway. But you know... I dont know what he is living in the intimate part with her. May be its okay ?

Its not the extra passionate love like they had at the beginning ( like kissing and talking at 1 inches face to face in front of everybody hours long, real BIG passionate love that started so fast )

Now when they get out with friends, she is like THE show, talks to every guy in the place and laugh and my brother look like an accessory between is own friend. Like she get what she wanted, now my brother is in the '' chasing '' part and watching every thing she does. Very hard to explain sorry   But surely their relation goes in a different step, like she is using him, using his friends ( she don't have any other friends anyway )

So... .yeah, I though of talking about this with my brother but im scared to loose him if I do that