Address an unrealistic threat or let it go?

[AnitaL]

I've been under some stress lately trying to keep up with work and caring for my three kids (D5, D3 and 7 month old baby) together with my uBPDh.  I've made some real progress over the last few years using what I have learned from the lessons, but both H and I are so close to the edge of major stress breakdown that neither of us is communicating very well right now.

I am seeking some help for how to address this situation that happened yesterday:

After I had the kids with me for a visit with friends all day, they all fell asleep in the car on the hourlong ride home.  They are always distraught upon waking from this situation, and we usually have at least one crying jag or meltdown when this happens.  When they woke up, I brought in the baby, and my H, who had not seen the girls all day, went to the backseat to get them.  We live in a semi-urban area, and the car was parked about four cars away from the front of our house.  Apparently, as expected, D3 woke up and started crying immediately as she was still tired and disoriented.  D5 didn't want to go into the house yet, as she was still tired too, and also wanted to wait for her sister to be ready.  I was unaware of all this at the time -- instead what happened is my H came into the house alone and said "I'm just leaving them out there.  I don't want them near me."  I thought they must still be buckled in the backseat, so I didn't rush, but said something about it not being the first time, and that if he didn't want to do it, I'd get them if he would watch the baby.  He was pacing around the house, clearly disregulated, saying he was going to leave and go have dinner alone because he didn't want to be around us, so I put the baby in my front carrier and went outside. 

I was shocked to find the girls out on the sidewalk near the car, D5 standing and D3 sitting down next to a telephone pole in full meltdown mode.  They had been out there probably less than 5 minutes, but that is a long time for a 3 year old, especially if she is not in control of her emotions.  A driver of a car in the street was waiting patiently for us to clear away from their driveway that we were partially blocking,  and D3 wouldn't budge, so I had to pick her up and carry both her and the baby back into the house while D3 was screaming her head off. 

H met us at the door as if this were the first he had seen of them, asking D3 what was wrong.  I was so furious with him for leaving them unattended outside, and I took D3 into her bedroom to calm her down the only way I have found to work -- sort of like a time out while holding her, so she doesn't feel abandoned but can't do anything else.  She continued screaming for a few minutes, so H came in and tried to take her, using a sweet calm voice.  I snapped at him to please let me handle it because she needed a time out for refusing to get out of the way of a car.  He said sarcastically that I was "clearly handling it really well" and I was so upset I took the bait.  I told him that what he did leaving them outside by themselves on the sidewalk was dangerous and totally unacceptable.  He told me I was being ridiculous, that I was an idiot, waved his hand in my face in a dismissive way and walked off.  I told him I wished he would go out to dinner on his own like he said he would.  I had put the baby beside me on the bed, and he came and took the baby (gently) and walked out of the room.  I followed him, demanding to know where he was going and when he would come back.  Of course this was what he wanted, because I was furious and he was the one using the calm, controlled voice now.  I told him in a near-panic voice as he was leaving that if he ever left the kids unattended like that again I would call the police, and I need to know that he is being safe with the baby. 

When he returned about 5 minutes later, he said that if I ever threatened to call the police again, he would leave me without a dime, and take the car too so I would have nothing.  I said "no, you won't".  He told me "the plan is already in place, I just have to do it."  I took the bait again, and asked him what he meant by this.  He has threatened to leave me penniless before while in a raging episode. The last time I called his dad to discuss it, because we have joint accounts, but H gets the majority of his income through a business partnership with his dad, who sends him the checks.  His dad would never go along with this and has told me that H would/could never do this -- it's ridiculous to think so and H knows it too.  (My H has also "banned" me from calling his parents on my own since he found out about this conversatoin.) I also work full time and make my own salary, which is not huge, but is not insignificant, so it is not like he has any control over that.  I could easily open my own account and change the direct deposit.  My own family also lives nearby and would certainly step up to help us temporarily if he made such a move.  But most of all, he would never let his kids go without being cared for -- it's all aimed at me.  So I know the threat has no teeth -- it doesn't make any sense, and I know he'd never do it.  most of the time he is exactly the opposite about money and is definitely not a "spender" type.

So we didn't talk the rest of the night.  He went for a walk alone, and I took care of the kids and got them to bed.  When he came home, we just stayed out of each other's way and today he isn't being silent, but I have not yet spoken to him directly.

Here's where I'm stuck-- do I take a breath and move on, chalking it up to a bad episode on both our parts?  Or do I try to address it now that we're more calm.  I have a SET conversation in mind -- I would like to tell him I empathize with dealing with D3's meltdowns which are really unpleasant, but that I think leaving the kids outside was dangerous and it really upset me.  I also wonder if I should set a boundary that if he threatens again to ruin me financially, I will start a separate bank account to deposit my paychecks and will also talk to MY parents about a backup plan.  I know I wouldn't have to share a boundary with him, but I guess I am just unsure how seriously to take such a nonsensical threat.  If I set up an account or brought either of our parents into it, that would escalate things to another level that would definitely trigger much worse behavior on his part.  If I let it go, it probably will just slide away unless he is severely triggered again. He has never followed through on a threat, ever.  So should I just let it go and move on?  It's hard to think clearly when I am low on sleep and having a tough time letting go of my own anger. 

Thanks for reading and for any input.

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[allibaba]

AnitaL,

It sounds like a mess.  I can so see this happening in our house.  But it also seems like you have done tons of work and have a lot less episodes. 

If it were me... .I would not bring up the threat of ruining you financially.  Especially since it doesn't have any weight.  It sounds like something that a triggered BPDh would say (sadly).  I would bring up the situation with the kids though when he's calm.  Make it clear that you really love him and that you think that he is a good father and you understand that the situation wasn't ideal but that the situation of leaving them on the sidewalk isn't ok.  He can leave them in the car (with the car locked) and you'll handle the rest.  I think that its ok that you told him that you would call the police if it happened again.  Sounds like you really meant it and that it was a boundary not something you said to get him to react.  I wouldn't mention calling the police again though it will only trigger him. 

Hope some of this helps.  Sorry that you had to go through it... .its a reminder that no matter how far we come... .we'll always have to deal with BPD type situation in times of stress (unless our BPD gets treatment and works on their own recovery).

[AnitaL]

Thank you, Allibaba.  Your response means a lot and is truly helpful.

I think you are right that I shouldn't bring up the threat or police again.  We are treading on thin ice at the moment and I think that would be the wrong move right now. 

I did talk to the kids after he'd left for his walk, and told them that both mommy and daddy were feeling tired and frustrated and were speaking to each other in an angry way.  I explained that I was going to take a deep breath and work on calming down, and that daddy was doing the same thing by taking a walk but he would be home later.  I reminded them that we love them very much and apologized for losing my patience.  We rarely fight like that in front of them and I definitely need to steel myself to not let it happen again no matter how much my H is trying to trigger me.

Lots of work to do... .

[SweetCharlotte]

With three very little ones, it's a shame you cannot count on him to look after them safely. You may have to operate as though you were a single mom, and not leave any child behind when transitioning from one place to another. Then you would not be placing any responsibility on him. It may be hard at first (I know because I was literally a single mom of 2 small children for several years while working full-time), but when it comes to keeping your children safe while away from home or making a transition, can you think of yourself as a single parent? Because I honestly would not leave another under-7 type child in his care outside of the home after this incident.

[bpbreakout]

With 3 children under 5 it's probably the most stressed you will ever be. My children are older but your post brought back a few memories especially when BPDw would cause total chaos and then act is if she was the one keeping things calm a few minutes later, almost as if she needed to do it to keep her equilibrium and we all had to go along with it so she would stop the raging. I can well understand your anger + I found it a bit scary at times.

It's a good job for these kids that at least one of you has their head screwed on and trying to help the kids make sense of things, I think that's the most important thing you can do at this stage.

Sounds like there isn't much to gain for you or your kids by bringing things to a head & it sounds as if uBPDh is making empty threats. My BPDw is always doing this when she rages and never follows through.

It also sounds as if you have a good relationship with FIL who in turn sounds like he is very supportive. This must be good for your children.

It's quite normal for your to have your own bank account. Maybe now isn't the right time to discuss it, maybe you don't need to at all. I know my BPDw has set up a bank account since going back to work full time. I was a bit upset that her reasoning was that she wanted a seperate fund in case the marriage ended, it felt as if she wasn't committed & had one eye on the exit door. However at the end of the day I was more than happy in principle, we are both contributing to household bills, it's her job and her right pay it into a seperate account.

[AnitaL]

thank you, SweetCharlotte and BPBreakout. 

It's true, sometimes I do feel like (and act like) a single mom, just so I don't have to deal with the times when my H is not living up to his role as Dad.   But I think it's also important to remember that acting this way too much can be invalidating for him, and thus a trigger itself and an excuse to be less involved.  Most of the time my H is a fantastic dad, truly.  It is also the one thing he considers to be a success in his life.  This is why the episode was so panic-inducing for me, because his lack of control and judgment does not usually spill over to the kids. 

Anyway, we are back to mostly civil conversation now.  I did, in a calmer moment, talk with him about it a bit.  I said that I was sorry for snapping at him so much lately.  I have been stressed and have not been handling it well.  I told him that I was terrified at the idea that the kids were outside on their own and that I lost it.  He said something about it being "only a few seconds", and I didn't argue with him.  I just reiterated that I'd felt scared and would like it if he could make sure he doesn't leave them like that again.  He said okay, and ended the conversation, and we haven't brought it up again.  We are definitely in need of some major conversations about other issues, but that's a topic for another thread... .

Thanks for helping me see more clearly.

[allibaba]

Anyway, we are back to mostly civil conversation now.  I did, in a calmer moment, talk with him about it a bit.  I said that I was sorry for snapping at him so much lately.  I have been stressed and have not been handling it well.  I told him that I was terrified at the idea that the kids were outside on their own and that I lost it.  He said something about it being "only a few seconds", and I didn't argue with him.  I just reiterated that I'd felt scared and would like it if he could make sure he doesn't leave them like that again.  He said okay, and ended the conversation, and we haven't brought it up again. 

Its clear that you have worked hard on your tools!  Thanks for sharing.