The long and winding road to finding what works for you.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

When I was a kid my mother's most noticeable behavior was the silent treatment. She did this to my dad quite often and it did get to him.  She looked childish but I didn't give it a lot of thought. Eventually it became more obvious that everything was always about her.  No matter what someone else was experiencing she found a way to make it about her.  That trait remains and is much more pronounced.  I was telling her about my daughter's hysterectomy and she found a way to make it about something that happened to her sixty years ago.  It never fails.

As time went on she began to fly into rages and say the most hurtful things she could think of.  As far as I know I am the only person she has done this to.  She is quite secretive about her childhood so I have no idea when all of it began but now that she is elderly she is nothing but negativity, resentment, jealousy, splitting, waifyness and entitlement.

After she provoke my brother into suicide I went no contact.  That lasted a very uncomfortable year. I lived nearby and I was stressed every minute of the day out of concern that she would show up at my door.

I moved away and continued no contact and found that to be very freeing. I loved that three years of no contact. My life was totally my own.

Eventually I moved back to her area and have maintained a medium chill with her for two years.  We speak by phone but I will not talk with her about anything that is a trigger for me.  She likes to tell me what a great mother she has been.  I change the subject.  She tries to talk about my brother's suicide and how he should have moved in with her because "she could have used his help"  I tell her I won't discuss it.  So far the medium chill has worked.  If it ever becomes too much I will not hesitate to go back to no contact.  I will not give up another day of my life feeling obligated to her, feeling guilt because her life is miserable (her own doing) and I won't use up another minute of my life trying to explain why I am not the dutiful daughter I once was.  It has been a lifelong journey but only in the past fifteen years did I realize she had something clinically wrong with her.  It takes very strong boundaries to keep from getting sucked back in and there are times when she is especially nice to me that I feel myself starting to cave but past experience has taught me that the more I give the more she expects so medium chill is my coping method for now.

[nevermore]

When I was a kid my mother's most noticeable behavior was the silent treatment. She did this to my dad quite often and it did get to him.  She looked childish but I didn't give it a lot of thought. Eventually it became more obvious that everything was always about her.  No matter what someone else was experiencing she found a way to make it about her.  That trait remains and is much more pronounced.  I was telling her about my daughter's hysterectomy and she found a way to make it about something that happened to her sixty years ago.  It never fails.

As time went on she began to fly into rages and say the most hurtful things she could think of.  As far as I know I am the only person she has done this to.  She is quite secretive about her childhood so I have no idea when all of it began but now that she is elderly she is nothing but negativity, resentment, jealousy, splitting, waifyness and entitlement.

After she provoke my brother into suicide I went no contact.  That lasted a very uncomfortable year. I lived nearby and I was stressed every minute of the day out of concern that she would show up at my door.

I moved away and continued no contact and found that to be very freeing. I loved that three years of no contact. My life was totally my own.

Eventually I moved back to her area and have maintained a medium chill with her for two years.  We speak by phone but I will not talk with her about anything that is a trigger for me.  She likes to tell me what a great mother she has been.  I change the subject.  She tries to talk about my brother's suicide and how he should have moved in with her because "she could have used his help"  I tell her I won't discuss it.  So far the medium chill has worked.  If it ever becomes too much I will not hesitate to go back to no contact.  I will not give up another day of my life feeling obligated to her, feeling guilt because her life is miserable (her own doing) and I won't use up another minute of my life trying to explain why I am not the dutiful daughter I once was.  It has been a lifelong journey but only in the past fifteen years did I realize she had something clinically wrong with her.  It takes very strong boundaries to keep from getting sucked back in and there are times when she is especially nice to me that I feel myself starting to cave but past experience has taught me that the more I give the more she expects so medium chill is my coping method for now.

[Sasha026]

I never had a coping strategy because as soon as I would mentally move away from her, she would switch tactics - snookering me back in. I have seen quite a bit of that on this board, as well. I didn't know how to control her. If I even tried to back away, she would instigate a problem that I would have to solve (finances, health, etc). Either that or I would fear the outcome because it always ended up in my lap one way or the other. The only way that she was finally out of my life was when I moved far away.

When I used to read about the mothers on this board back in 03 (the nook), I used to think that women who left their mothers and let them fend for themselves were a bit cold. Now, I understand. I guess you have to experience it to understand it. My heart goes out to the women here who have to deal with these women on a daily basis because it is always about the mother. The daughter's/son's problems are always minimized and theirs are always maximized. I have said in the past that it's like a stage show with her as the star and us as bit players. No matter what problems are going on in our lives, she always will top them to show that she is the biggest victim... .usually it includes our input into that pain. We never helped but only hurt her.

As I have written before, the silent treatment can be the worst, especially if it's done to kids. Kids just don't understand and take the silence as a punishment. As adults, we use that silence as a break from her. She thinks she's punishing us, but we're just happy for the separation. (Don't go away mad, Ma, just go away.)

I wish I could tell others what I did to help control my mother, but I have absolutely no idea what to say. There was no medium chill for me. Maybe my personality was too strong. I took most of my strength from my husband (she was scared of him - why? I don't know. He never said a word to her). Maybe that's the key. If you act as a strong family unit - together - maybe that's the answer... .I don't know. If she cannot triangulate your family then you may have some control. If you have a lot of people around her who agree with her, then she has an "army" who can attack. That's bad.

My suggestion would be to have a strong family unit. I know we want our children to have a grandma/grandpa, but if those people come into your life, with no respect for that family unit, then the manipulation and ruination of holidays, etc will always be there. I wish I could be of more help on this... .but I can't. I never figured it out.

On the other part of your post... .I'm so sorry that your mother did that to your brother. She threw away her child. How bad is that? She felt absolutely no compunction to help him. That speaks volumes. I mean, what do you do with that? And, her reaction to his suicide was unbelievable. All you can do is shake your head and walk away. If she can do that to her only son, then what can she do to others? It's just unbelievable... .except here, where it is very commonplace. If my son reached out to me and said that he was contemplating suicide, I would take that very seriously and try to help him any way that I could or get him help (If I couldn't do it myself). Your mother treated it very casually. I guess she was so used to her own machinations - she minimized his cry for help. I'm so sorry for your loss. What a witch.

As for your daughter... .Well, it was only a hysterectomy - she has had to deal with so much more  . On that again, just shake your head and walk away. There is nothing inside of them. They are a shell. A black hole that sucks everything into it. Some grandma, eh? I hope your daughter is doing well. It's a very hard thing for a woman to go through that. ((Hugs)) Your mother is not capable of giving - only getting and getting and getting. They have nothing to give. I have a million of those stories but I have told them all. These women are useless and we have to deal with them the best way we can without going crazy.

Again, ((hugs)) to you and your daughter.

[nevermore]

My coping ability changes daily as my life changes daily. Just do you best and be true to yourself.