Peace... at last, peace and quiet acceptance.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have found peace.

I don't know whether this will come and go for a while before it's established, but... .

... .at present, I have realised that, whilst D (my ex-bf) sees me as the Myth of [Escaped] and therefore cannot let go of me, what I actually AM is [Escaped] with a shedload of damage, and that the combination of his damage and my damage can only EVER create the "perfect storm"

The background is that when we met, 20 years ago, I was his first Serious Love, and it seems he has carried me with him through 19 years of separation, building me into a Myth of myself, so what he loves is not really me, but what he perceives me to be. And my T believes this to be true, to a level of him having an obsessive delusion for me.

Suddenly, finally, everything now makes sense. Everything he has done since Feb 1st has been compounded of his being at the same time a) unable to let me go, and b) unable to be in a relationship with me (both for terror of hurting me and losing me like he's lost every other girlfriend, but also of course his own teror of abandonment by the Myth he has created, the most important woman in the world for him over his entire adult life).

Basically, what he actually did was:

He didn't quite split up with me definitely enough in May. We did split up, on a temporary, but he didn't then tell me he was going to see other people, and he continued to behave as a loving boyfriend who wanted me in his life as a partner... .

Then after the bombshell in June, what really nearly drove me insane was the 3.5 months in which I tried to understand and make sense of his behaviour, coupled with the unexpected death of my tyrant sister.

He was terrified of losing me, but at the same time I think had just enough self-awareness of his own behaviour patterns lifelong to protect me by refusing to be in a relationship with me.

That confused me, as he was so loving but still refused to be in a relationship - yet kept behaving as a lover.

Now I can see how his reality kept shifting around - the reason I was so sure he wasn't lying to me may have been that he genuinely wasn't - BPDs tend to believe in conflicting and shifting realities so he probably genuinely believed everything he said at the time of saying it.

But I can also see how my grip on reality was pretty insubstantial and shifting as well. Not least because of the damage already done from Feb 1st onwards by his similar behaviour.

He is terrified of losing the most precious woman in his life, the Myth of [Escaped], but at the same time he is terrified of hurting me further and so keeps backing off and pulling me close, wildly swinging as we've all said all along like a weathervane in the wind.

But my perceptions and reactions played their part also. I'm not to blame, any more than he is, but the two of us would ALWAYS have been a complete disaster. More than disaster, a complete catastrophe, carnage, the Armageddon of Relationships.

But prior to D, I was in what I now see as frankly an abusive relationship with A, who was deliberately causing me damage and grinding me down for what he got out of it. And I think without this year, without Pandora's Box being opened, I would simply have gone on, into worse and worse relationships, maybe moving away or maybe my parents dying, but in either case I probably would ahve ended up dying young from domestic violence or from suicide or from drink.

My sister ensured I had little sense of self-protection, self-care, but the events of the last decade in particular had crushed what little there was out of me. I think by the time I met D, it was almost my last shred of self-esteem that his initial mirroring was able to magnify and reflect back to me.

Without this horrific 9 months, I don't think I would have a future.

But because Pandora's Box was smashed open, I now have my future. I have the rest of my life.

As for his new relationship - he cannot self-soothe, he has no way to deal with shame and guilt in pathological doses, and he has no way to stop his mind constantly racing... .hence the alcoholism... .without drink, he coped ok being completely without any emotional relationships after counselling and meds for 18 months. Because he was single, he stayed sober and relatively calm.

4 years on in sobriety and 19 years after we met, he re-meets me, the Myth and we enter a relationship... .the old pattern re-emerges, and he ends up consumed with more guilt and shame - and without alcohol he only knows one way to deal with those: get into a new relationship because as he 'mirrors' his new partner, she responds so warmly that for a short while he feels safe and cared about.

Except it keeps slipping because he doesn't actually trust her affection, and/or doesn't actually care about her herself... .hence the defriendings and the efforts to get me to re-engage in dialogue... .

So... .maybe they'll marry and settle down together - but he will still be consumed with guilt and shame over me, and he will still only use other relationships for what they feed back to him, because they are not the Myth. He had the Myth and he nearly destroyed it and he will never learn to cope with that.

Poor, poor soul... .


This is all stuff that is only emerging today... .the Perception of Perfection over the weekend and my acceptance now today of how inevitable the whole cataclysm was... .and above all, my sudden (as in half an hour ago) comprehension of the events of the whole of this year now finally making sense, partly as I now realise how far my own grip of reality slipped over a long period of time this summer.

So it's not dwelling on memories or questioning - finally, this is answering. And not answers from someone else's behaviour but answers from within me.

And THAT is how peace emerges... .

   

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

I have found peace.

I don't know whether this will come and go for a while before it's established, but... .

... .at present, I have realised that, whilst D (my ex-bf) sees me as the Myth of [Escaped] and therefore cannot let go of me, what I actually AM is [Escaped] with a shedload of damage, and that the combination of his damage and my damage can only EVER create the "perfect storm"

The background is that when we met, 20 years ago, I was his first Serious Love, and it seems he has carried me with him through 19 years of separation, building me into a Myth of myself, so what he loves is not really me, but what he perceives me to be. And my T believes this to be true, to a level of him having an obsessive delusion for me.

Suddenly, finally, everything now makes sense. Everything he has done since Feb 1st has been compounded of his being at the same time a) unable to let me go, and b) unable to be in a relationship with me (both for terror of hurting me and losing me like he's lost every other girlfriend, but also of course his own teror of abandonment by the Myth he has created, the most important woman in the world for him over his entire adult life).

Basically, what he actually did was:

He didn't quite split up with me definitely enough in May. We did split up, on a temporary, but he didn't then tell me he was going to see other people, and he continued to behave as a loving boyfriend who wanted me in his life as a partner... .

Then after the bombshell in June, what really nearly drove me insane was the 3.5 months in which I tried to understand and make sense of his behaviour, coupled with the unexpected death of my tyrant sister.

He was terrified of losing me, but at the same time I think had just enough self-awareness of his own behaviour patterns lifelong to protect me by refusing to be in a relationship with me.

That confused me, as he was so loving but still refused to be in a relationship - yet kept behaving as a lover.

Now I can see how his reality kept shifting around - the reason I was so sure he wasn't lying to me may have been that he genuinely wasn't - BPDs tend to believe in conflicting and shifting realities so he probably genuinely believed everything he said at the time of saying it.

But I can also see how my grip on reality was pretty insubstantial and shifting as well. Not least because of the damage already done from Feb 1st onwards by his similar behaviour.

He is terrified of losing the most precious woman in his life, the Myth of [Escaped], but at the same time he is terrified of hurting me further and so keeps backing off and pulling me close, wildly swinging as we've all said all along like a weathervane in the wind.

But my perceptions and reactions played their part also. I'm not to blame, any more than he is, but the two of us would ALWAYS have been a complete disaster. More than disaster, a complete catastrophe, carnage, the Armageddon of Relationships.

But prior to D, I was in what I now see as frankly an abusive relationship with A, who was deliberately causing me damage and grinding me down for what he got out of it. And I think without this year, without Pandora's Box being opened, I would simply have gone on, into worse and worse relationships, maybe moving away or maybe my parents dying, but in either case I probably would ahve ended up dying young from domestic violence or from suicide or from drink.

My sister ensured I had little sense of self-protection, self-care, but the events of the last decade in particular had crushed what little there was out of me. I think by the time I met D, it was almost my last shred of self-esteem that his initial mirroring was able to magnify and reflect back to me.

Without this horrific 9 months, I don't think I would have a future.

But because Pandora's Box was smashed open, I now have my future. I have the rest of my life.

As for his new relationship - he cannot self-soothe, he has no way to deal with shame and guilt in pathological doses, and he has no way to stop his mind constantly racing... .hence the alcoholism... .without drink, he coped ok being completely without any emotional relationships after counselling and meds for 18 months. Because he was single, he stayed sober and relatively calm.

4 years on in sobriety and 19 years after we met, he re-meets me, the Myth and we enter a relationship... .the old pattern re-emerges, and he ends up consumed with more guilt and shame - and without alcohol he only knows one way to deal with those: get into a new relationship because as he 'mirrors' his new partner, she responds so warmly that for a short while he feels safe and cared about.

Except it keeps slipping because he doesn't actually trust her affection, and/or doesn't actually care about her herself... .hence the defriendings and the efforts to get me to re-engage in dialogue... .

So... .maybe they'll marry and settle down together - but he will still be consumed with guilt and shame over me, and he will still only use other relationships for what they feed back to him, because they are not the Myth. He had the Myth and he nearly destroyed it and he will never learn to cope with that.

Poor, poor soul... .


This is all stuff that is only emerging today... .the Perception of Perfection over the weekend and my acceptance now today of how inevitable the whole cataclysm was... .and above all, my sudden (as in half an hour ago) comprehension of the events of the whole of this year now finally making sense, partly as I now realise how far my own grip of reality slipped over a long period of time this summer.

So it's not dwelling on memories or questioning - finally, this is answering. And not answers from someone else's behaviour but answers from within me.

And THAT is how peace emerges... .

   

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

I expect this will come and go for a while, but I am confident that this is at last the end of the torment for me. And the beginning of the rest of my life.

I hope it helps someone, sometime. As all the posts here have helped me. Especially Samthewiss finding the long quote from "2010" and reposting it.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

To clarify:

I think what made the difference was reading that long post and finally, finally, truly understanding how my own damage and his damage fed off each other.

That everything he did makes sense when I realise he was simultaneously holding me close with one part of his mind and shoving me away with the other.

Instead of trying to puzzle out "but what did he mean when he... .? why did he... .? what was he after when he... .?" I just realised that he has no intentions when he's spiralling in terror of abandonment: he only reacts, and depending on what reality he was seeing at the time he reacts in different ways.

Now I realise he has almost no self-awareness, and nor did I at the time. Neither of us were able to see the impact of our behaviour.

Now I truly grasp the enormity of his mental disorder, and so now it makes sense.

Now I truly grasp how my emotional conditioning and his fuelled a two-person version of the Towering Inferno, each burning the other and ourselves as well.

Now I see how much my self-awareness has increased and how I need to learn more about myself in order to be strong and healthy, so I never have an unhealthy or damaging relationship, friend or lover or relative, ever again.

Now I start my life.

The long post is quoted in Replies 2 and 3 by Samthewiss here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211683.0

[Ironmanrises]

To clarify:

I think what made the difference was reading that long post and finally, finally, truly understanding how my own damage and his damage fed off each other.

That everything he did makes sense when I realise he was simultaneously holding me close with one part of his mind and shoving me away with the other.

Instead of trying to puzzle out "but what did he mean when he... .? why did he... .? what was he after when he... .?" I just realised that he has no intentions when he's spiralling in terror of abandonment: he only reacts, and depending on what reality he was seeing at the time he reacts in different ways.

Now I realise he has almost no self-awareness, and nor did I at the time. Neither of us were able to see the impact of our behaviour.

Now I truly grasp the enormity of his mental disorder, and so now it makes sense.

Now I truly grasp how my emotional conditioning and his fuelled a two-person version of the Towering Inferno, each burning the other and ourselves as well.

Now I see how much my self-awareness has increased and how I need to learn more about myself in order to be strong and healthy, so I never have an unhealthy or damaging relationship, friend or lover or relative, ever again.

Now I start my life.

The long post is quoted in Replies 2 and 3 by Samthewiss here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211683.0

Escaped... .

That peace that you are feeling... .

Is the respite... .

That you have awaited... .

From all the turmoil... .

You have experienced... .

With your ex.

Your acceptance... .

Of his disorder... .

Is another step... .

In the direction of healing... .

And peace.

And that is important.

In bold.

The pwBPD has awareness.

They just dont do anything... .

To change the outcome... .

Of their behavior.

It is far easier... .

For them... .

For their disorder... .

To continue... .

Plowing through... .

One ravaged person... .

After another.

It is why so many of them... .

Do not seek help.

Hang in there Escaped.

We are here for you.

[Learning_curve74]

Escaped, congratulations on finding acceptance for D and for yourself. 

When we have acceptanance, what I call simply acknowledging the situation and facts as they are without judgement, then we can make clear choices about where we want to go. It's like we were in a FOG stumbling (or sometimes following another) around blindly, and once that lifts, we can see all around and choose the way to continue our journey. We always had these choices but just couldn't see them.

Best wishes to you on your journey. 

[ucmeicu2]

The pwBPD has awareness.They just dont do anything... .To change the outcome... .

Of their behavior.It is far easier... .For them... .For their disorder... .To continue... .Plowing through... .One ravaged person... .After another.It is why so many of them... .Do not seek help.

in bold. 2 seemingly contradictory statements. i understand many of us here are in pain, great pain, but does it do us or them any good to make untrue, or negative generalized statements?  to villify the pwBPD?  i think not.

i don't know the exact percentage (does anybody? probably not) but most all pwBPD do have awareness.  just because they won't/don't say it out loud to you does not mean that they aren't aware that they are in great pain themselves, and that they are the source of that pain.  i can say that, and know it's true, b/c i have known several people personally with BPD as well as worked with them in a clinical setting.

we can make some generalizations but we cannot lump all pwBPD into one box! my own xBPDgf was capable of being the most wonderful, caring, loving, sensitive, intuitive, insightful, responsible person... .she had much insight as to her Dx and how it affects other people... .she struggles every day to overcome it.  i rcv'd countless genuine, sincere apologies for her behavior, she tried to protect me by staying away from me/isolated herself during especially bad times for her (which, in my neediness i interpreted as rejection or abandonment, doh!)

i feel for your pain but your circumstances were individual, not universal.  i think it's detrimental, to everyone, us and them alike!, to portray pwBPD as monsters.  they are some of the most sensitive, loving, caring people i've met.  you can read that in books like "walking on eggshells"... .

yes, of course they can also be mean and cruel, obviously.  but then again, it does take 2 to tango, and as Nons we were an equal dance partner in the hot mess of a BPD r/s.  as SeekingBalance (or someone else with upwards of 5k posts) said this past week, basically, it's time to look inward.  it's not about the pwBPD anymore.  it's about me now.  (and i ask for forgiveness in advance when - not if, - i come back here and rant & rave about my xBPDgf. again. i hope someone will give me a gentle reminder like this to stop lashing out and return to looking inward.)

are we pwBPD ourselves?  some of us are, no doubt! apparently they are drawn to each other like magnets!  are we narcissists?  some of us are! like a hand to a glove  that's even scarier to me b/c my understanding is that while BPD is treatable Narcissism is not (or has a much lower success rate).  check this article out:  www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2010/06/21/borderline-personality-disorder-and-sex.html

EXCERPT:

"Of course, the men who are drawn to women with BPD often have issues of their own. On the surface, the attraction can look like run-of-the-mill infatuation. The fragility of a BPD woman can also plug into a man’s hero complex. Her constant need for reassurance and support can exaggerate an insecure person’s sense of importance. In fact, it’s not uncommon for narcissistic men to gravitate to BPD women, because each disorder serves the other, says Freed.

“The borderline patient's overt vulnerability confirms the narcissist’s power, which typically is his driving concern, even if he rarely talks about it,” he says. “Going out with a borderline can be exhilarating for these men because their partner becomes focused on them, jealously asking, ‘Where were you last night? What did you do?’ On the surface, there's a lot of fighting and friction, but underneath they are being paid much attention, which is intensely reassuring to a narcissistic character. They’re the center of someone's world.” "

[Ironmanrises]

Ucme... .

I get what you are trying to say.

I am referencing my personal experience... .

Yes... .

Which happens to be quite... .

Similar... .

To many other people's experience... .

On here too.

Have you read the accounts on here... .?

Some peoples accounts stretch on... .

For years.

You will notice one trend... .

Over and over.

The awareness exhibited... .

By the pwBPD... .

And the attending failure... .

To do anything about that awareness.

The pwBPD has a disorder... .

With direct consequences... .

On the people closest to them.

The people intimate with them.

The behavior exhibited... .

Is monstrous... .

And it only affects the person they are in a relationship with.

Sure... .

The other people around them... .

May see glimpses... .

Of the behavior... .

But that is all they see.

And most importantly... .

Do not feel the direct impact... .

Of the pwBPDs actions.

Only the non gets that direct impact.

I don't try and vilify the pwBPD... .

Apologies to you... .

And to anyone else... .

Perhaps I didn't make myself clear enough.

I am quite sympathetic to anyone... .

Who suffers.

I feel their pain.

I do.

Yes... .

You are right... .

It takes 2 to tango.

If you read my posts... .

I have been owning... .

My responsibility for allowing this... .

To happen to me.

It hasn't been easy.

Where is my exUBPDgf owning her side... .?

Non existent.

See... .

Now I have to own that too.

Otherwise... .

I will have no closure.

Her awareness of her disorder... .

And her inability... .

To do anything about... .

Her actions... .

That have had direct consequences... .

On me... .

Leaves all of that on my lap.