Not really doubting myself... but then, again...

[Taolady]

My uBPD mother and I have been NC for 3 months. The relief has been felt by all of my small family (just my husband, my son, and myself). Now I have an email (sigh) saying she misses me and my son, didn't intend to upset me, and wanted to get back together with my me and my son. The pointed omission of my husband and a few other things made me realize this was just the same stuff- different day. Both my husband and my son want nothing to do with her and I don't either. I'm pretty sure. I think. Our relationship has been like a bad merry-go-round, always bringing us back to the very same (dreadful) place. Now that I'm off the damn thing, I can't imagine what would persuade me to get back on. (Probably missing the occasional good thing we did together, and obligation.)  I feel 95% strongly that I want to continue the NC. So why the 5%? I've come a long way. I'm in a better place without her. I don't want to subject my family to her any more.  So why am I not entirely happy with this decision? Any ideas?

[Santa Clara]

I am almost NC with my uBPD mother ('almost' being I send her a thank you card from the kids for presents she has sent them for birthdays and she is still on my FB friends list, although she never posts anything).

I love being 'almost' NC but have only been so for a few months.  Sometimes I am tempted to  communicate with her because I hope that perhaps she will be nice to me, perhaps we can have an ok relationship without me being triggered.

I don't like her but I do still love her and sometimes have that childish longing for her to be my 'mummy'.

Sometimes I am tempted to communicate with her just to please others in the family who feel uncomfortable with me being NC.

But right now, I don't want to have communication with her.  Right now I feel like being NC is helping me heal and it is a great relief.  Will I ever communicate with her again... .? I don't know, I will see how I progress in my healing I suppose.

Those are my thoughts on my situation, maybe they will be of help to you...

[nomom4me]

What are the terms of your NC or LC?  I am sort of in the reverse situation, I will do phone contact with my mom but have not seen her in many months and have had a strict "no email" policy for a long time.

Personally, I found email and facebook most disruptive.  With phone contact I can choose to send the call to voicemail, my mom also pulled some antics in email (sent important info after I informed her that email was not OK with me, sent over 100 messages after I asked her to stop, the list goes on... .).  So, my take on email is colored by those experiences, but... .to me, an "I miss you" email reads as a guilt trip.

If I really miss a close friend I call them.  Email is for business, I keep up with my casual friends via email and facebook but I just sent a close friend a facebook message asking her to call when she can so we can really catch-up.  Facebook was a minefield for me, I have a family member who rarely updated but was always lurking, never commenting online but discussing my updates with my mom, that person got blocked when her behavior started to escalate.  Again my opinion is colored by these experiences but for me online contact was very triggering and quite distracting.  If you are not comfortable with blocking maybe look into having your moms emails filtered to a special folder and/or limit what she sees on facebook by toggling your friend lists and privacy settings.  If I ever did have my mom or enmeshed family members on facebook I would use the "restricted" setting that only allows access to public posts and prevents friends on that list from wall posting.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Taolady,

Sometimes it's tough to sort through these kinds of feelings--that FOG can be pretty thick sometimes. Here are some different perspectives on FOG: Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”.

I know that feeling all too well... .what do you think is behind that 5%? What would make you want to contact your mother?

[Taolady]

Hi, Everyone- to clarify what our Nc means- it has meant absolute silence- and this has been the first time in three months that my mother has contacted me. Sometimes it has gone on for a year or so (like just after my son was born- she chose to miss the entire first year of his life- and he is her only grandchild!) She's not on FB, I don't worry about that.

I think my problem is that she will be 80 years old in a couple of months and she has become frail. I'm afraid that if I'm not involved, she will be sick or hurt and and it will be worse if I'm not there. If she has to go to the hospital, I'm afraid she won't advocate for herself, and will suffer at the hands of inattentive hospital staff. I'm afraid she won't remember to pay her bills. I do care what happens to her, but I would really rather not be involved- and doesn't that sound selfish of me? There are no other family members to share this with. When I replied to her message, I suggested she find someone to call her to check in with her every day or get one of those life-line things (although I know she can't afford it.)

I also miss the things we shared that we both enjoyed, but I know those things could (and often did) change in a heartbeat if she perceived some slight or whatever would propel her into fits of rage. (Like if I wanted to sit in a chair other than the one she chose for me) or if I had an opinion on a recipe that was different than hers.

I think I'd feel worse if I did let her back into my life, and certainly I'd feel like I betrayed my family. And I suppose there is nothing to prevent me from sending a Christmas card if I felt inclined... .  Well, I feel better just knowing that nothing is written in stone.

Thank you all for your input!

I'm glad you all are here.