Recycling the Black Thinking ... makes me feel insane

[Century2012]

Well, so sorry guys. The post about feeling happy finally was premature. Guess to be expected.

Dang it. Here is what happened.

I returned his baseball gloves. (He was offered a contract with Milwaukee Brewers, but in typical BPD fashion he blew that up). Anyway, I thought I should do the "right" thing and return them.

I texted him that I would leave them at the front desk. His rebound contacts me because she is "so appreciative." Which turned into to her telling me her whole life story (no lie, over 100 text messages). Including photos of him with their dog, him sleeping, what he ate for dessert.

I called her to suggest that I appreciated that fact that she felt like she could trust me with her whole life story about how and why she lost all custody of her kids do to her drug problems, but she didn't need to share all that with me. A polite leave me alone.

The next day a get a barrage of phone calls (I did not answer), followed by some screaming and yelling texts from him about leaving them alone!

Ah ... .but the insight. He is afraid if she contacts me, he will be "found out."

Yes, both phone numbers are blocked. Again. And I do not have anything else to return.

A simple thank you would have sufficed.

[Century2012]

Venting some more.

Do you ever get so mad that you want to "bust them?" Tell rebound the truth?

He told me in one of our "be friends" (NOT anymore) conversations, that he had not told her about his arrest record. Hit and run while drunk. And domestic battery. I believed his versions of the stories until I learned more after we broke up. Anyway,

rebound girl is expecting to regain some custody of her children. Well, marrying him put that nail in the coffin on that!

Yes, I am pretty fired up today.

[Surnia]

Its okay, Century. I would  feel the need to share this too... .what a crazy world, a crazy couple.

Yes, both phone numbers are blocked. Again. And I do not have anything else to return.

Don't beat yourself about the glove. Perhaps a walk? Playing music you like really loud? It will get better.   

[DownandOut]

Venting some more.

Do you ever get so mad that you want to "bust them?" Tell rebound the truth?

He told me in one of our "be friends" (NOT anymore) conversations, that he had not told her about his arrest record. Hit and run while drunk. And domestic battery. I believed his versions of the stories until I learned more after we broke up. Anyway,

rebound girl is expecting to regain some custody of her children. Well, marrying him put that nail in the coffin on that!

Yes, I am pretty fired up today.

When I discovered that my uBPDexgf rebounded with the person I suspected she was cheating with, it took everything inside of me NOT to contact him via social media and let him know what a lying, cheating piece of garbage she was. I didn't and I am happy about it because if I would have said something I would have looked insane and jealous until he finally realized I was right. She would also hate me more than she does now, and I honestly didn't want that either. Self-control is crucial in these relationships. We have to be the adults.

[winston72]

Whoa, Century, that is an extreme episode!  Sometimes the vivid, in living color, wacky episodes are most helpful to us as they leave no doubt as to what is really going on inside of people... .chaos!

I don't think this jeopardizes your "feeling happy finally" status!  Such an eruption is upsetting... .and you will return to a better baseline.

I am learning to embrace and run with my anger toward my ex and some of the craziness in our relationship.  I think the anger helps me to see things more clearly... .things meaning my lack of boundaries and/or the way she violated my boundaries and me.  The anger brings it all into sharp relief.  So, I am running with it and learning from it.

As to whether or not to "bust them" I think that is situational.  Coincidentally, I wrote a long piece to my ex yesterday.  I did not send it and will not, but it was really helpful to me to put it all in writing... .in clear sentences... .to see for myself how bad it was.  It was cathartic as my emotions over it all calmed down.  As I read your posts, it seems to me that the "rebound" has no capacity whatsoever to absorb anything you might say.  That does not mean you should not say it, but you will not likely get any relief from her response. 

In my case, I did not "bust" people with the truth earlier in the relationship because I felt a need to protect my ex.  In so doing, I was perpetuating her lies and the lies I had told myself.  I was maintaining the myth of the relationship for myself, and her and her extended family.  That was not healthy for me or anyone else.  Now, a year or so later, I am waking up.  Seeing the facts for what they are is a big part of healing and growing (isn't this site called "bpdfamily.com"!).  I want to spread the truth, but there is a time and a place and an appropriate forum for such communication. 

Hmmm... .I am getting long-winded!  To summarize, yes I want to bust them.  Telling the truth is appropriate, but each situation is different... .and you should be wary of how it might prolong your engagement with what seems to be a very volatile, destructive couple. 

[winston72]

PS... .being a former baseball player myself, gloves are a cherished item!  His lack of appreciation for their return is a sure sign of trouble!

[Confusedandhurt]

Century,

Sounds like you took three steps forward, but two steps back!  But my sense is that you're still moving forward, which is great!  Not long after my ex dumped me via a text message, she would contact me to tell me that she missed me.  However, after only a couple of email exchanges, she tells me that she doesn't want any contact between us.  Then, a month later, surprise!  It's her again!  It took me awhile, but I finally realized that it was always about her and never about me or my feelings.

You were obviously trying to be kind by giving the gloves back to him and even exchanging texts with ms. rebound.  It demonstrates just how far apart you and he are in character.  I applaud you!

[clairedair]

In my case, I did not "bust" people with the truth earlier in the relationship because I felt a need to protect my ex.  In so doing, I was perpetuating her lies and the lies I had told myself.  I was maintaining the myth of the relationship for myself, and her and her extended family.  That was not healthy for me or anyone else.  Now, a year or so later, I am waking up.  Seeing the facts for what they are is a big part of healing and growing (isn't this site called "bpdfamily.com"!).  I want to spread the truth, but there is a time and a place and an appropriate forum for such communication. 

Winston - this is where I am now too.  Now that I have emerged from the FOG, I feel like telling everyone what he's really like but when they've tried to point out unhealthy behaviours in past I defended him to protect him and to "maintain the myth of the relationship for myself" (an excellent way of putting it).  Thanks for this.

Century2012,

I commend your self-restraint!  Hopefully, you will find that you return to a happier state more quickly than you expect by leaving them both to their own drama and concentrating on your own peace and wellbeing.

[Century2012]

Thanks all. No, I am not going to "bust" him to rebound. That will certainly back fire on me.

Last night, I "disconnected" his email account from the link to mine. I set up his account back in January, and gmail asks for a "backup' account which was mine. Whatever. The point is I could not help but read his emails prior to "disconnecting" the account.

Talk about a messed up "disorder."

At the end of September, he set up several profiles for "one night" dating. If you know what I mean.

Did I mention that he got married the last week of August?

This is someone I went to church with ... .he wanted to go. He prayed with me when I was sick and felt an episode coming on. We read morning devotionals together.

No wonder they make us so insane.