Some reasons why the breakup is so painful

[Depression = 72% of members]

Here's a copy of a post by GP44 from December 2011 that I thought it might be worth posting for some newer members to read, especially those where the ex-partner has moved on very quickly (about 99%!).  This board is about 'detaching from the wounds' and I've found that very difficult.   This post reflected the way I was feeling (and still do feel at times) and encouraged me not to ruminate constantly on the reasons I was 'discarded' and 'replaced' but to focus on myself.

Claire

Breakups are never easy, but what makes these excruciatingly painful to move on from is the following:

- No Closure. Closure to me doesn't mean that you can tidy something up psychologically, file it away and never have to think about it again. But I think it does mean that you come to a place of serenity and peace of mind. Closure from the end of a relationship with a Cluster B is extraordinarily hard to attain and it has to come from within, because our exes can't and won't help with this.

- There is usually an abrupt ending. Things were going so well, you seemed so close, there was probably a lot of talk about a long-term future and plans made, and then they abruptly pulled the rug out from underneath you and ran. It really does a number on your psyche. We spend a lot of time beating ourselves up when these people walk out of our lives, saying "If only I had done this, or if only I had done that... .   " etc. The truth, however, is that there is literally nothing you could ever do to maintain a healthy, functional relationship with them. Things may go very well for a while, the day to day dynamic may seem healthy and functional, but at some point these people hit a wall that they can never seem to get past.

- No validation or acknowledgment of what you had together. This was hard for me - so much talk about marriage, was told many times that I was The One, that I was the best guy she'd ever had, she told her parents that I was different from every guy she had ever dated and she wanted to marry me. I know she was sincere at the time because who would con their parents in addition to their significant other? And then came the blindside breakup and the refusal to acknowledge or talk to me. It was a complete denial of my feelings and the seriousness of our bond. It makes you feel like you never meant anything to them and they were able to discard you like the contents of a garbage can without ever looking back. You feel erased.

- While there are many cases where people with this condition carry this chaos into all aspects of their lives, your ex may be high-functioning, able to hold down a job and excel at it, along with an extensive network of friends and an active social life. They may excel at certain hobbies, skills or interests. You have experienced something bizarre, dysfunctional and unhealthy within the confines of your relationship, and yet to the outside world this person appears to have their ___ together. It can make you feel like you are the crazy one and you lose your ability to trust in your own judgment. But the truth of the matter is that their abandonment and attachment issues only deploy when they get close to intimacy and commitment in a committed relationship.

- Your imagination becomes your own worst enemy. You assume that they are sailing along in paradise happy as a clam without you, while you have this horribly traumatic wound to attend to. It's like you got mugged and beaten up. There you are, laying on the ground with broken bones and you have a long recovery process ahead of you, but your muggers are walking down the street with your wallet without any thought of what they left behind. It doesn't seem fair at all that they get to be happy (which is what you assume is the case) while you struggle to pick up the pieces and move on. It may not seem like it sometimes, but these people are MISERABLE. They are broken, hurting and lost in ways that you and I will never be. And the good news is that WE have the capacity to examine our wounds, move forward, and become stronger people with stronger boundaries and more to offer a healthy person. But our exes? They will continue to drift in the black void they call their life. If you think that a person like this can have a carefree existence, you do not understand this condition. They may appear happy and that might indeed be the case when they are in the "puppy love" phase of a new relationship, but if they have not dealt with their issues, their relationships will continue to fail, the cycle will continue, and their deep-seated feelings of self-loathing, pain, fear and despair will continue.

- Despite the fact that they abused our love, and logically and rationally we know that it would not be healthy to return and revive this relationship even if it were an option, we cannot just shut off our feelings of love and there is a part of us that wants them back. We would not be in so much pain and missing them if our exes did not have good qualities and the relationship didn't bring us joy. Healthy people don't end relationships abruptly when things are going well. Healthy people only walk away from relationships when obvious issues of compatibility, goals and values arise, or if their needs are not being met or they are being mistreated over a sustained period of time and efforts to fix this fail.

As far as your ex forgetting you – these people do not grieve, they repress. They have to repress. It is the only coping mechanism that they know. It's how they avoid asking themselves, "Why did I push a good person away?" They will rewrite history and find some way to make you unsuitable, idiosyncrasies you had will be elevated to deal breakers, or they will manufacture some reason why it would never have worked anyway, etc. It's like a psychological levee they build in order to keep out memories and feelings which will lead to pain, which will lead to introspection and accountability. They are obviously TERRIFIED of these things. This "levee" can consist of lies they tell themselves about you, some new love interest, their career, anything to distract them. Much later on, that levee will probably break. And when that happens, they will go through the pain they didn't go through at the beginning. This is why you hear so much about these kinds of people re-engaging, coercion, etc, even months or years later. They never really get over anyone. They just bury, bury, bury.

I think the proper attitude is to recognize that:

a) These people are severely disordered.

b) They really did love you (in their own way) but the disorder will ALWAYS win until they get help.

c) They had/have good qualities that you can enjoy in a future person.

d) You will come out of this a stronger person.

In the end, all you can do is fix yourself. You want to be ready for the next person who comes along - not your ex, but the person that is everything your ex would be and more because they are healthy and whole and can sustain a relationship. The focus has to be brought back to you.

 

[clairedair]

Here's a copy of a post by GP44 from December 2011 that I thought it might be worth posting for some newer members to read, especially those where the ex-partner has moved on very quickly (about 99%!).  This board is about 'detaching from the wounds' and I've found that very difficult.   This post reflected the way I was feeling (and still do feel at times) and encouraged me not to ruminate constantly on the reasons I was 'discarded' and 'replaced' but to focus on myself.

Claire

Breakups are never easy, but what makes these excruciatingly painful to move on from is the following:

- No Closure. Closure to me doesn't mean that you can tidy something up psychologically, file it away and never have to think about it again. But I think it does mean that you come to a place of serenity and peace of mind. Closure from the end of a relationship with a Cluster B is extraordinarily hard to attain and it has to come from within, because our exes can't and won't help with this.

- There is usually an abrupt ending. Things were going so well, you seemed so close, there was probably a lot of talk about a long-term future and plans made, and then they abruptly pulled the rug out from underneath you and ran. It really does a number on your psyche. We spend a lot of time beating ourselves up when these people walk out of our lives, saying "If only I had done this, or if only I had done that... .   " etc. The truth, however, is that there is literally nothing you could ever do to maintain a healthy, functional relationship with them. Things may go very well for a while, the day to day dynamic may seem healthy and functional, but at some point these people hit a wall that they can never seem to get past.

- No validation or acknowledgment of what you had together. This was hard for me - so much talk about marriage, was told many times that I was The One, that I was the best guy she'd ever had, she told her parents that I was different from every guy she had ever dated and she wanted to marry me. I know she was sincere at the time because who would con their parents in addition to their significant other? And then came the blindside breakup and the refusal to acknowledge or talk to me. It was a complete denial of my feelings and the seriousness of our bond. It makes you feel like you never meant anything to them and they were able to discard you like the contents of a garbage can without ever looking back. You feel erased.

- While there are many cases where people with this condition carry this chaos into all aspects of their lives, your ex may be high-functioning, able to hold down a job and excel at it, along with an extensive network of friends and an active social life. They may excel at certain hobbies, skills or interests. You have experienced something bizarre, dysfunctional and unhealthy within the confines of your relationship, and yet to the outside world this person appears to have their ___ together. It can make you feel like you are the crazy one and you lose your ability to trust in your own judgment. But the truth of the matter is that their abandonment and attachment issues only deploy when they get close to intimacy and commitment in a committed relationship.

- Your imagination becomes your own worst enemy. You assume that they are sailing along in paradise happy as a clam without you, while you have this horribly traumatic wound to attend to. It's like you got mugged and beaten up. There you are, laying on the ground with broken bones and you have a long recovery process ahead of you, but your muggers are walking down the street with your wallet without any thought of what they left behind. It doesn't seem fair at all that they get to be happy (which is what you assume is the case) while you struggle to pick up the pieces and move on. It may not seem like it sometimes, but these people are MISERABLE. They are broken, hurting and lost in ways that you and I will never be. And the good news is that WE have the capacity to examine our wounds, move forward, and become stronger people with stronger boundaries and more to offer a healthy person. But our exes? They will continue to drift in the black void they call their life. If you think that a person like this can have a carefree existence, you do not understand this condition. They may appear happy and that might indeed be the case when they are in the "puppy love" phase of a new relationship, but if they have not dealt with their issues, their relationships will continue to fail, the cycle will continue, and their deep-seated feelings of self-loathing, pain, fear and despair will continue.

- Despite the fact that they abused our love, and logically and rationally we know that it would not be healthy to return and revive this relationship even if it were an option, we cannot just shut off our feelings of love and there is a part of us that wants them back. We would not be in so much pain and missing them if our exes did not have good qualities and the relationship didn't bring us joy. Healthy people don't end relationships abruptly when things are going well. Healthy people only walk away from relationships when obvious issues of compatibility, goals and values arise, or if their needs are not being met or they are being mistreated over a sustained period of time and efforts to fix this fail.

As far as your ex forgetting you – these people do not grieve, they repress. They have to repress. It is the only coping mechanism that they know. It's how they avoid asking themselves, "Why did I push a good person away?" They will rewrite history and find some way to make you unsuitable, idiosyncrasies you had will be elevated to deal breakers, or they will manufacture some reason why it would never have worked anyway, etc. It's like a psychological levee they build in order to keep out memories and feelings which will lead to pain, which will lead to introspection and accountability. They are obviously TERRIFIED of these things. This "levee" can consist of lies they tell themselves about you, some new love interest, their career, anything to distract them. Much later on, that levee will probably break. And when that happens, they will go through the pain they didn't go through at the beginning. This is why you hear so much about these kinds of people re-engaging, coercion, etc, even months or years later. They never really get over anyone. They just bury, bury, bury.

I think the proper attitude is to recognize that:

a) These people are severely disordered.

b) They really did love you (in their own way) but the disorder will ALWAYS win until they get help.

c) They had/have good qualities that you can enjoy in a future person.

d) You will come out of this a stronger person.

In the end, all you can do is fix yourself. You want to be ready for the next person who comes along - not your ex, but the person that is everything your ex would be and more because they are healthy and whole and can sustain a relationship. The focus has to be brought back to you.

 

[snappafcw]

Wow I love this it was so insightful and made me very emotional. Thank you!

[Bananas]

Thank you for posting that, it was just what I needed to read today!

[Blade99d]

Talk about hammer, nail, head... .this sums it up perfectly for me.  Thank you for this. 

[clairedair]

Bananas, snappafcw, Blade99d

Glad you appreciated it - it kept popping into my head when reading some other posts yesterday.

It's one of a few posts that I keep to hand in case I start disappearing down the rabbit-hole of shame "I wasn't good enough" plus it leaves room for some compassion for exH.

My goal is to one day not need these words of wisdom - it's taking a little longer than I hoped but I need to be as patient with myself as I was with him!

[DownandOut]

Amazing! Thank you so much for this.

[patientandclear]

Thanks Claire.  The rabbit hole of shame is my constant companion, so this is really helpful.

[peas]

Yes, bravo. Thanks for this accurate account of what it is to be with a pwBPD.

These parts:

Healthy people only walk away from relationships when obvious issues of compatibility, goals and values arise, or if their needs are not being met or they are being mistreated over a sustained period of time and efforts to fix this fail.

Not only was my ex unhealthy, I was unhealthy because I didn't walk away sooner when I was being mistreated.

As far as your ex forgetting you – these people do not grieve, they repress. They have to repress. It is the only coping mechanism that they know. It's how they avoid asking themselves, "Why did I push a good person away?"

Ex told me within the first few weeks of dating, when he started bonding with me: "I push people away."

I also saw that he repressed painful emotions and memories from his past failed relationships. When he started falling for me, it shook him up. Through tears he told me that I did something to him. I moved him and unlocked a lot of emotional stuff he had kept inside for years.

It wasn't until after our b/u that I realized he unlocked a ton of stuff in me, too, and got me soul searching and crying. His reaction was on the front end of the r/s, mine was on the back end.

[topknot]

Thank you, claire, you have described my situation, when I thought I was losing my mind and no one understood,  particularly, when they are so high functioning it seems YOU are the crazy one...

[DragoN]

Very helpful post Thank you Clairedair.

I think it's possible that after many years married and with counseling that the lack of closure is not quite the terrible trauma that those who have had their loved one suddenly and without warning depart. It's a long grieving process while still married and recognizing that it cannot be a successful loving relationship with only one partner doing the emotional weight lifting. Still breaks my heart and tears me apart that in order to have a hope of love, intimacy and trust that I cannot create that with my husband.

[samthewiss]

Thank you for your post. You helped me get my ex uBPDw relationship into perspective.

[Century2012]

Clairedair ... .THANK YOU! Thank you! Thank you.

I copies it and put it in my "reread" file so when I have a trigger I can get back to center.

I hope everyone on this board reads it. Word for word it is exactly right.

A month before the break up, we were looking at places to live together. And he asked for my ring size.

The pain from them not acknowledging the seriousness of the bond. That is a big ouch.

The analogy of being beaten up and laying on the ground. That is EXACTLY how I felt.

To quote you ... .

I think the proper attitude is to recognize that:

a) These people are severely disordered.

b) They really did love you (in their own way) but the disorder will ALWAYS win until they get help.

c) They had/have good qualities that you can enjoy in a future person.

d) You will come out of this a stronger person.

Hugs to you!

[clairedair]

To quote you ... .

... .

Hugs to you!

I can't take the credit for the quote (I re-posted someone else's), however, I will take the hugs!

Claire

[Ironmanrises]

Here's a copy of a post by GP44 from December 2011 that I thought it might be worth posting for some newer members to read, especially those where the ex-partner has moved on very quickly (about 99%!).  This board is about 'detaching from the wounds' and I've found that very difficult.   This post reflected the way I was feeling (and still do feel at times) and encouraged me not to ruminate constantly on the reasons I was 'discarded' and 'replaced' but to focus on myself.

Claire

Breakups are never easy, but what makes these excruciatingly painful to move on from is the following:

- No Closure. Closure to me doesn't mean that you can tidy something up psychologically, file it away and never have to think about it again. But I think it does mean that you come to a place of serenity and peace of mind. Closure from the end of a relationship with a Cluster B is extraordinarily hard to attain and it has to come from within, because our exes can't and won't help with this.

- There is usually an abrupt ending. Things were going so well, you seemed so close, there was probably a lot of talk about a long-term future and plans made, and then they abruptly pulled the rug out from underneath you and ran. It really does a number on your psyche. We spend a lot of time beating ourselves up when these people walk out of our lives, saying "If only I had done this, or if only I had done that... .   " etc. The truth, however, is that there is literally nothing you could ever do to maintain a healthy, functional relationship with them. Things may go very well for a while, the day to day dynamic may seem healthy and functional, but at some point these people hit a wall that they can never seem to get past.

- No validation or acknowledgment of what you had together. This was hard for me - so much talk about marriage, was told many times that I was The One, that I was the best guy she'd ever had, she told her parents that I was different from every guy she had ever dated and she wanted to marry me. I know she was sincere at the time because who would con their parents in addition to their significant other? And then came the blindside breakup and the refusal to acknowledge or talk to me. It was a complete denial of my feelings and the seriousness of our bond. It makes you feel like you never meant anything to them and they were able to discard you like the contents of a garbage can without ever looking back. You feel erased.

- While there are many cases where people with this condition carry this chaos into all aspects of their lives, your ex may be high-functioning, able to hold down a job and excel at it, along with an extensive network of friends and an active social life. They may excel at certain hobbies, skills or interests. You have experienced something bizarre, dysfunctional and unhealthy within the confines of your relationship, and yet to the outside world this person appears to have their ___ together. It can make you feel like you are the crazy one and you lose your ability to trust in your own judgment. But the truth of the matter is that their abandonment and attachment issues only deploy when they get close to intimacy and commitment in a committed relationship.

- Your imagination becomes your own worst enemy. You assume that they are sailing along in paradise happy as a clam without you, while you have this horribly traumatic wound to attend to. It's like you got mugged and beaten up. There you are, laying on the ground with broken bones and you have a long recovery process ahead of you, but your muggers are walking down the street with your wallet without any thought of what they left behind. It doesn't seem fair at all that they get to be happy (which is what you assume is the case) while you struggle to pick up the pieces and move on. It may not seem like it sometimes, but these people are MISERABLE. They are broken, hurting and lost in ways that you and I will never be. And the good news is that WE have the capacity to examine our wounds, move forward, and become stronger people with stronger boundaries and more to offer a healthy person. But our exes? They will continue to drift in the black void they call their life. If you think that a person like this can have a carefree existence, you do not understand this condition. They may appear happy and that might indeed be the case when they are in the "puppy love" phase of a new relationship, but if they have not dealt with their issues, their relationships will continue to fail, the cycle will continue, and their deep-seated feelings of self-loathing, pain, fear and despair will continue.

- Despite the fact that they abused our love, and logically and rationally we know that it would not be healthy to return and revive this relationship even if it were an option, we cannot just shut off our feelings of love and there is a part of us that wants them back. We would not be in so much pain and missing them if our exes did not have good qualities and the relationship didn't bring us joy. Healthy people don't end relationships abruptly when things are going well. Healthy people only walk away from relationships when obvious issues of compatibility, goals and values arise, or if their needs are not being met or they are being mistreated over a sustained period of time and efforts to fix this fail.

As far as your ex forgetting you – these people do not grieve, they repress. They have to repress. It is the only coping mechanism that they know. It's how they avoid asking themselves, "Why did I push a good person away?" They will rewrite history and find some way to make you unsuitable, idiosyncrasies you had will be elevated to deal breakers, or they will manufacture some reason why it would never have worked anyway, etc. It's like a psychological levee they build in order to keep out memories and feelings which will lead to pain, which will lead to introspection and accountability. They are obviously TERRIFIED of these things. This "levee" can consist of lies they tell themselves about you, some new love interest, their career, anything to distract them. Much later on, that levee will probably break. And when that happens, they will go through the pain they didn't go through at the beginning. This is why you hear so much about these kinds of people re-engaging, etc, even months or years later. They never really get over anyone. They just bury, bury, bury.

I think the proper attitude is to recognize that:

a) These people are severely disordered.

b) They really did love you (in their own way) but the disorder will ALWAYS win until they get help.

c) They had/have good qualities that you can enjoy in a future person.

d) You will come out of this a stronger person.

In the end, all you can do is fix yourself. You want to be ready for the next person who comes along - not your ex, but the person that is everything your ex would be and more because they are healthy and whole and can sustain a relationship. The focus has to be brought back to you.

 

In bold.

That is the appearance... .

They portray.

In bold/underlined.

Yes.

When my exUBPDgf... .

Returned to me... .

In round 2... .

I asked her... .

"Why were you talking to everyone else... .

Normally... .

(In devaluation/discard)... .

While you ignored me... .?

Why were you posting... .

Happy go lucky statuses... .

And what not... .

While you were hurting me... .?"

(I already knew of her BPD at this point)... .

Her response:

"I was miserable that entire time... .

Ironmanfalls.

That entire time... .

I was hurting you... .

I was miserable inside... ."

She repeated that to me throughout... .

Idealization.

The reference of being miserable inside.

Was she lying to me... .?

Unknown.

I just remember... .

Feeling helpless... .

As she told me this.

I wanted to take her pain away.

To reach in... .

And remove it.

I couldnt.

It wasnt that long before... .

I would soon feel... .

That feeling... .

Of miserableness... .

Unleashed at me.

Now after she left me... .

From what i described above... .

It isnt a stretch... .

To assume... .

That she is still feeling miserable... .

Again.

No matter... .

What she was/is portraying... .

To her enablers.

A pattern of behavior... .

All part of the disorder.

[dansure]

Really love this post and it really helps to see that other people are going through a similar hard time as I do.

Seeing all my friends with their normal and healthy relationships make me feel really alone.

And unlike you guys they don't understand what I have been through.

[clairedair]

Hi Dansure

see you're new here so welcome.

My exH isn't diagnosed pwBPD and there are times I doubt that he does suffer with this disorder because he is high functioning in many aspects of his life and seems happy in new relationship (and nicer to me as a result) - I just know that what people describe here - both actual situations and their feelings - resonates with me in a way that no conversation with 'real-life' friends has done.

I have some really good friends and family but people here 'get it' and I like that I get some compassion here but also encouragement to focus on myself and what kept me in the relationship when I knew that it was damaging.

Hope you find some healing here too.

take care,

Claire

[peas]

A month before the break up, we were looking at places to live together. And he asked for my ring size.

The pain from them not acknowledging the seriousness of the bond. That is a big ouch.

The analogy of being beaten up and laying on the ground. That is EXACTLY how I felt.

Century, people have posted on these boards that the aftermath of being with a pwBPD feels like being mugged. That's a apt description.

I, too, know the pain of them talking serious and specific plans for a future that includes us only for them to do an about-face and just shut off. My ex gave me a promise ring and said: "You know what comes next, right?" He asked me for my ring size. He also said once "After we're married... ." Unfortunately, there was not only zero follow through, there was the brutal pushing away. He went from promise ring to devaluation to dumping in two months.

I also wonder if he ever grasped the bond I had with him that he helped create. I didn't imagine the words he said to me; I know what I heard from him, without me pushing for those words about commitment and the future. He came to them on his own.

[fiddlestix]

One of the reasons that the breakup with my wife of 23 years is so hard is because I know she is ill.  She was diagnosed years ago as a bipolar with borderline traits.  She is a therapist herself and has full understanding of her condition.  For years she flip-flopped many times from loving me and wanting to work it out, to "not feeling the same" about me and needing to be on her own.  Of course, she has not been "on her own" since she left 1.5 years ago. She left my bed for another man's (I had been a point in a triangle for a while).  When she broke up with him she tried to recycle me.  That didn't work out (ouch!).  Now she is with a new man again.  And there were dozens of affairs along the way (again, ouch!). 

But I know she is disordered. 

Part of me knows she didn't mean those devaluing things she said about/to me over the years. 

Part of me understands that all the illicit sex with other men was just like using any other drug to escape from her inner torment. Part of me gets that she does have a deep connection with me still, in some cavern of her heart and mind. 

Part of me believes that I was indeed a good man to her (honest, gentle, kind, generous, I kept myself in shape... .). 

And, worst of all, part of me thinks there is still hope.

Thus it is so hard to let go because next week she may "love" me again.

But then the week after? 

Fiddlestix

[Confusedandhurt]

Part of me gets that she does have a deep connection with me still, in some cavern of her heart and mind. 

Part of me believes that I was indeed a good man to her (honest, gentle, kind, generous, I kept myself in shape... .). 

And, worst of all, part of me thinks there is still hope.

Thus it is so hard to let go because next week she may "love" me again.

But then the week after? 

Fiddlestix

Fiddlestix,

I can really relate to the last part of your post.  I keep wondering when I will get to the point where, deep down, I won't want her back.  Intellectually, I know I cannot take her back, but emotionally, I keep thinking that there is always hope.  From time to time since she dumped me, she would call and ask for help.  When I inquired why, she said that I was the only person she trusted.  I "know" that this is simply a ploy to use me, but somehow I can't seem to fully accept that there is absolutely nothing more to it than that.

From others' posts, I know that we will always love them to one extent or another, but I wonder how long it will take to finally give up hope!

C&H

[fiddlestix]

C&H,

maybe people like you and me will never really quit loving them.  And maybe that is OK.  We can't just turn off the love when we "lose interest" as "they" seem to do.  I am glad that I can truly love, even though it hurts.  Perhaps the pwBPD is simply not "wired" to love in a healthy way. Period.  But we are.  And as painful as that love is, let us celebrate it.  It means we are alive and able to love. 

Fiddle

[bb12]

Because we are blindsided and the ending is so abrupt, I think a key element of our inability to move on quickly or properly is that we need to fall out of love with them first!

Despite the r/ship not being quite right, we are generally still committed to it and working on it when the discard happens. They move on to new supply very quickly, but we are still further up the chain. We are not at the break-up stage yet or in a dismissive or ambivalent mindset. We are still IN the relationship and need to get ourselves out of it and to a point where we can process things like rejection, closure, reality, facts, moving on.

In a healthy break up we agree that it's not working and start from the same vantage point. In a BPD break up, we don't. We need to get our heads and hearts out of the r/ship before we can even start to contemplate moving on.

Bb12

[peas]

Wow, this:

Because we are blindsided and the ending is so abrupt, I think a key element of our inability to move on quickly or properly is that we need to fall out of love with them first!

Despite the r/ship not being quite right, we are generally still committed to it and working on it when the discard happens. They move on to new supply very quickly, but we are still further up the chain. We are not at the break-up stage yet or in a dismissive or ambivalent mindset. We are still IN the relationship and need to get ourselves out of it and to a point where we can process things like rejection, closure, reality, facts, moving on.

In a healthy break up we agree that it's not working and start from the same vantage point. In a BPD break up, we don't. We need to get our heads and hearts out of the r/ship before we can even start to contemplate moving on.

Bb12

Spot on, bb12.

[clairedair]

And, worst of all, part of me thinks there is still hope.

Thus it is so hard to let go because next week she may "love" me again.

But then the week after? 

fiddlestix,

I spent at least six years convinced that my 'ill' husband (not diagnosed) would be able to get to a point of staying with me and enjoying a healthy relationship.  My faith (particularly messages about marriage, forgiveness and redemption that I absorbed growing up) kept me reconciling and trying to 'be strong' and endure.  I also felt guilt about not really being there for him nor really understanding his pain when he'd needed me.  He had a gf whenever he wasn't with me and I believed his words about her being a 'band-aid'.  I now think it suited me to do so - she must also have believed that she was the one he really wanted to be with or she wouldn't have spent six years of her life 'waiting' as well.  He ended up marrying someone completely different within 8 months of our last break-up.

The quick re-marriage is difficult but actually not as painful as the way he just 'disappeared' without really telling me - after nearly 30 years together.  The new relationship has been a blessing in disguise because he has stayed away this time and I have had time to really look at how things were and how I was/am - losing hope has actually been a relief rather than feeling like a devastating loss.  No more 'hanging on'.  I reconciled with him after a year apart and even after our divorce because I always thought there was hope and had not got to a stage of not wanting him back.  The turning point was not the re-marriage but the way he had left the last time - that finished me.

maybe people like you and me will never really quit loving them.  And maybe that is OK.  We can't just turn off the love when we "lose interest" as "they" seem to do.  I am glad that I can truly love, even though it hurts. 

This was one of my fears - that I would never stop loving him.  Through all the really awful times - the withdrawal of affection; knowing he'd started seeing the exgf again; the cold angry outbursts - I still felt a deep love for him.  Now that I am more detached, I realise I have, as bb12 put it, been falling out of love.  It's been a process and when I think about it, I am deeply saddened that someone I shared my life with and have children with and was convinced I had a future with is now 'somebody I used to know'.  Because I don't think I do know him anymore.  But I do know I can "truly love".

We are still IN the relationship and need to get ourselves out of it and to a point where we can process things like rejection, closure, reality, facts, moving on.

This is where I am at - pretty much out of the relationship but still processing a lot of stuff because I now have the space and freedom to do this.  In some ways it's harder - there's a lot of stuff to process and no distraction of an ecstatic reconciliation every now and again to take the pain away (before piling more on!).  I was angry for months; now more sad than anything but it definitely feels like a 'healthier' stage than the rollercoaster and I am confident of the future - a different one to the one I'd hope for so fervently and worked so hard to achieve but at least now my efforts are for a more realistic, contended and drama-free life.

[patientandclear]

You all, in all the threads I've read here at BPDF, this may be the first one I've seen addressing the need to fall, or the process of falling, out of love with the pwBPD.  You're right, it's the fact that the end occurs at the wrong point, completely at odds with our experience of what is going on emotionally, when there is no apparent reason the trouble couldn't be fixed in such a worthwhile r/s, that leaves us hanging over the cliff like that.

I am in the process of falling out of love with my ex.  I just started that after two whole years (a year of NC and then a year of close contact with periodic disappearances).  All this time, like Claire said, there's been the distraction of the potential for an ecstatic reunion, and periodic ecstatic episodes.  Knowing that could happen again, I never fell out of love.  Falling out of love all by yourself, in a vacuum, in your own head, is a really strange process.

[peas]

Falling out of love all by yourself, in a vacuum, in your own head, is a really strange process.

That is exactly what I have come to realize is going on during my healing. Well put, P&C.

That having to fall out of love in a vacuum situation may also feed our notions that the ex is doing so much better than us post b/u. They let go way before we did.

[starshine]

This is a really powerful thread for me.  

I can relate with the process of falling out of love.  It did not happen immediately.  When my ex broke up with me, I was absolutely in love with our life.  Although he was high functioning and super high maintenance, I did love him deeply.  We had a lot of fun, and enjoyed many of the same things in life.  We were building something together, and he couldn't hack it.  Like Clairedair, I was raised to stick it out, have faith with the understanding that love and relationship is hard work.  I thought that even though year 5 was hard, it would just be something we laughed about at our 10 year anniversary together.  My heart shattered into a million pieces when he dumped me and moved on within days.  I've put it mostly back together, but it is smaller.  I'm not as giving with my affections, but I do know that I can experience a love that deep within myself.  I look forward to the time when I can share that kind of depth and intimacy with a healthy partner.  

Because we are blindsided and the ending is so abrupt, I think a key element of our inability to move on quickly or properly is that we need to fall out of love with them first!

Despite the r/ship not being quite right, we are generally still committed to it and working on it when the discard happens. They move on to new supply very quickly, but we are still further up the chain. We are not at the break-up stage yet or in a dismissive or ambivalent mindset. We are still IN the relationship and need to get ourselves out of it and to a point where we can process things like rejection, closure, reality, facts, moving on.

In a healthy break up we agree that it's not working and start from the same vantage point. In a BPD break up, we don't. We need to get our heads and hearts out of the r/ship before we can even start to contemplate moving on.

Bb12

This speaks to my experience exactly.  I couldn't comprehend what had happened to my relationship.  I was not at the point where I would have broken up with him.  Consider living in separate houses, yes- that is what triggered my ex, when I "temporarily" moved into a smaller apartment closer to my kids school.  He freaked and made me move all my stuff, and that was the end.  

It's taken me 2 years to begin to fall out of love.  He had wormed his way into every aspect of my life.  I am still very sad about the way it happened.

[Ironmanrises]

This is a really powerful thread for me.  

I can relate with the process of falling out of love.  It did not happen immediately.  When my ex broke up with me, I was absolutely in love with our life.  Although he was high functioning and super high maintenance, I did love him deeply.  We had a lot of fun, and enjoyed many of the same things in life.  We were building something together, and he couldn't hack it.  Like Clairedair, I was raised to stick it out, have faith with the understanding that love and relationship is hard work.  I thought that even though year 5 was hard, it would just be something we laughed about at our 10 year anniversary together.  My heart shattered into a million pieces when he dumped me and moved on within days.  I've put it mostly back together, but it is smaller.  I'm not as giving with my affections, but I do know that I can experience a love that deep within myself.  I look forward to the time when I can share that kind of depth and intimacy with a healthy partner.  

Because we are blindsided and the ending is so abrupt, I think a key element of our inability to move on quickly or properly is that we need to fall out of love with them first!

Despite the r/ship not being quite right, we are generally still committed to it and working on it when the discard happens. They move on to new supply very quickly, but we are still further up the chain. We are not at the break-up stage yet or in a dismissive or ambivalent mindset. We are still IN the relationship and need to get ourselves out of it and to a point where we can process things like rejection, closure, reality, facts, moving on.

In a healthy break up we agree that it's not working and start from the same vantage point. In a BPD break up, we don't. We need to get our heads and hearts out of the r/ship before we can even start to contemplate moving on.

Bb12

This speaks to my experience exactly.  I couldn't comprehend what had happened to my relationship.  I was not at the point where I would have broken up with him.  Consider living in separate houses, yes- that is what triggered my ex, when I "temporarily" moved into a smaller apartment closer to my kids school.  He freaked and made me move all my stuff, and that was the end.  

It's taken me 2 years to begin to fall out of love.  He had wormed his way into every aspect of my life.  I am still very sad about the way it happened.

In bold.

I know exactly... .

What you mean.

It was the same with mine... .

Albeit... .

On a shorter time frame... .

But same exact... .

Worming.

That.

That is what... .

Adds... .

To the pain.

[DragoN]

Part of me gets that she does have a deep connection with me still, in some cavern of her heart and mind. 

Part of me believes that I was indeed a good man to her (honest, gentle, kind, generous, I kept myself in shape... .). 

And, worst of all, part of me thinks there is still hope.

Thus it is so hard to let go because next week she may "love" me again.

But then the week after? 

Fiddlestix

Fiddlestix,

I can really relate to the last part of your post.  I keep wondering when I will get to the point where, deep down, I won't want her back.  Intellectually, I know I cannot take her back, but emotionally, I keep thinking that there is always hope.  From time to time since she dumped me, she would call and ask for help.  When I inquired why, she said that I was the only person she trusted.  I "know" that this is simply a ploy to use me, but somehow I can't seem to fully accept that there is absolutely nothing more to it than that.

From others' posts, I know that we will always love them to one extent or another, but I wonder how long it will take to finally give up hope!

C&H

I think so too, a part of my heart will be lost. The love is not the same as it once was, the tenderness is gone, so many aspects died over the years. Cannot say that I still love him as a wife, but the smoky tendrils of love lost in the winds of time and the pain of that loss linger. Hope is dead though. I know I cannot ever fix this.

[maxen]

that's an excellent post and thanks for reposting, clairdair. i've found other posts by GP44 to be helpful too.

this entire thread is painful but brings up necessary issues. these paragraphs go to my own mentality:

- While there are many cases where people with this condition carry this chaos into all aspects of their lives, your ex may be high-functioning, able to hold down a job and excel at it, along with an extensive network of friends and an active social life. They may excel at certain hobbies, skills or interests. You have experienced something bizarre, dysfunctional and unhealthy within the confines of your relationship, and yet to the outside world this person appears to have their ___ together. It can make you feel like you are the crazy one and you lose your ability to trust in your own judgment. But the truth of the matter is that their abandonment and attachment issues only deploy when they get close to intimacy and commitment in a committed relationship.

my stbxw is a university employee and her professional success is a thing that strongly attracted me. she has an unconditionally accepting family and is very good at friendship - i was jealous of that, i'm not so good at it. her old friends may be wise to her but her family (who you'd think would know, but are very self-regarding) and her newer friends (not to mention her paramour, who may not care even) will be buying what she says about us and i know what that is. it just eviscerates me that i'll be tarred successfully. that i care so much surely goes my diffidence issues, which are extensive tbh (and have extended to being gaslighted: do she and her family and friends who support her have some emotional insight that i don't? is there sometimes a justification for solving marital issues by meticulous deceit for the purpose of infidelity? was she, on some larger level, right to shrug her shoulders when i faced her with it? i have asked myself these questions).

- Your imagination becomes your own worst enemy. You assume that they are sailing along in paradise happy as a clam without you, while you have this horribly traumatic wound to attend to. It's like you got mugged and beaten up. There you are, laying on the ground with broken bones and you have a long recovery process ahead of you, but your muggers are walking down the street with your wallet without any thought of what they left behind. It doesn't seem fair at all that they get to be happy (which is what you assume is the case) while you struggle to pick up the pieces and move on. It may not seem like it sometimes, but these people are MISERABLE. They are broken, hurting and lost in ways that you and I will never be. And the good news is that WE have the capacity to examine our wounds, move forward, and become stronger people with stronger boundaries and more to offer a healthy person. But our exes? They will continue to drift in the black void they call their life. If you think that a person like this can have a carefree existence, you do not understand this condition. They may appear happy and that might indeed be the case when they are in the "puppy love" phase of a new relationship, but if they have not dealt with their issues, their relationships will continue to fail, the cycle will continue, and their deep-seated feelings of self-loathing, pain, fear and despair will continue.

i need to print that out and carry it around in my pocket. she moved straight in with the other party; she took my ring off immediately; they spent her birthday and our anniversary vacationing together (both just weeks after d-day); she's moved her mail and some of her favorite decorations to the other place; it's "not a fling" and she's "happy with what i have." how am i not to think that they're like gods in their amoral happiness? by remembering her relationship history (to which she seems to be blind - there's always an ad-hoc explanation, it's never a pattern), by remembering what i've learned here about BPD, nicely capsulated in GP44's paragraph there, by remembering that her last words to me, after three months living at the other place, were "i'm very confused." i admit i want it to fail. i'd like to see it when it fails. i'd like her then to send me a note saying "i now understand my dynamic in our marriage." i don't think i'll get that note.

[Confusedandhurt]

i need to print that out and carry it around in my pocket. she moved straight in with the other party; she took my ring off immediately; they spent her birthday and our anniversary vacationing together (both just weeks after d-day); she's moved her mail and some of her favorite decorations to the other place; it's "not a fling" and she's "happy with what i have." how am i not to think that they're like gods in their amoral happiness? by remembering her relationship history (to which she seems to be blind - there's always an ad-hoc explanation, it's never a pattern), by remembering what i've learned here about BPD, nicely capsulated in GP44's paragraph there, by remembering that her last words to me, after three months living at the other place, were "i'm very confused." i admit i want it to fail. i'd like to see it when it fails. i'd like her then to send me a note saying "i now understand my dynamic in our marriage." i don't think i'll get that note.

maxen,

Your last sentence really resonated with me.  Although it's been about 16 months since I was dumped, I would really like to know if she realizes what she discarded.  Like you I'm sure, I spent a lot of time taking care of her, being there for her, and doing a lot of the little things to show how much I cared for her.  We were closer than I had ever been with anyone else.  To be discarded so quickly and learn that she had started a new physical relationship with someone else was really painful.  We weren't married, but it sure felt like we were.  I'm hoping that, with time, I'll come to a place in which I won't care if I get the kind of not you're describing.  Just don't know how long that will take... .

Take care,

C&H