Some reasons why the breakup is so painful

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

i admit i want it to fail. i'd like to see it when it fails. i'd like her then to send me a note saying "i now understand my dynamic in our marriage." i don't think i'll get that note.

Maxen - I think it perfectly understandable that you feel this way.  I know there's a part of me feels the same about exH and his re-marriage.  I feel so shamed at times that I would probably get some validation from knowing that he didn't just need to find the right person who was somehow better than I or better for him.  My exH could express, quite eloquently at times, his role in our dysfunctional relationship but seemed to think it OK to rush straight into another marriage.  Left me wondering if he believed that it must have been being with me that caused his damaging behaviour.

However, I personally feel more strongly that I would like his new relationship to continue for a while at least because his immersion in it has meant that he's left me alone enough, for long enough, to focus on myself and our children.  The 'vacuum' created by lack of drama and chaos is something I'm finding very difficult at times and is perhaps another reason why it was always easier to go back than to really detach but I now have the opportunity to fill that vacuum with something more stable, fulfilling, life-affirming, validating etc.

[clairedair]

i admit i want it to fail. i'd like to see it when it fails. i'd like her then to send me a note saying "i now understand my dynamic in our marriage." i don't think i'll get that note.

Maxen - I think it perfectly understandable that you feel this way.  I know there's a part of me feels the same about exH and his re-marriage.  I feel so shamed at times that I would probably get some validation from knowing that he didn't just need to find the right person who was somehow better than I or better for him.  My exH could express, quite eloquently at times, his role in our dysfunctional relationship but seemed to think it OK to rush straight into another marriage.  Left me wondering if he believed that it must have been being with me that caused his damaging behaviour.

However, I personally feel more strongly that I would like his new relationship to continue for a while at least because his immersion in it has meant that he's left me alone enough, for long enough, to focus on myself and our children.  The 'vacuum' created by lack of drama and chaos is something I'm finding very difficult at times and is perhaps another reason why it was always easier to go back than to really detach but I now have the opportunity to fill that vacuum with something more stable, fulfilling, life-affirming, validating etc.

[Century2012]

Well said, BB12,

Even if we were somehow disconnecting because we might not "like" them anymore or as much because of all their erratic behavior, the love we feel/felt is still there in our hearts. 

I compare it to a stove. They are like gas stoves. Flame off. Flame on. With one little click. I think normal, healthy people and relationships are more like electric stoves. They take time to warm, and time to cool down.

At the risk of overextending the analogy, the flame was pretty "hot." It takes time for the burn to heal. And they leave a scar.

But our scars don't have to leave us wounded. They are helpful reminders of red flags to avoid as we move forward.

[clairedair]

I compare it to a stove. They are like gas stoves. Flame off. Flame on. With one little click. I think normal, healthy people and relationships are more like electric stoves. They take time to warm, and time to cool down.

At the risk of overextending the analogy, the flame was pretty "hot." It takes time for the burn to heal. And they leave a scar.

But our scars don't have to leave us wounded. They are helpful reminders of red flags to avoid as we move forward.

Great analogy 

[findingmyselfagain]

Like many of the break-ups, mine also seemed very ambiguous. I felt like I would be cheating on her even though she was probably already "hanging out" with the new guy, the guy she was "hanging out" with just a few days after our wedding shower. These relationships seem surreal, almost like a Hollywood romance at times (with plenty of drama as well if you think about), but are also loaded due to our own issues/habits. I still feel compassion for my ex. I saw up close just how broken she was. I suppose I hoped she would mature and get comfortable with my love, which was very true. I didn't know anything about BPD and didn't have much experience in relationships. I'm pretty much over it to the point that it isn't dragging me down on a daily basis. Yesterday would have been our 3rd anniversary. It hasn't been on my mind like it was last year or the year before but the last three nights I've had dreams of attending weddings. I've made a point not to dwell on it during the day. So possibly I'm healing or dealing with it in my sleep. I'm in a much better place now. I think it's possible to detach with compassion. I haven't had any direct communication in over a year. Over time I've learned that it just isn't healthy and doesn't result in any meeting of the minds.

[bruisedbattered]

Day 1 no contact:

So it all started mid august, love in the air, unbridled passion, I was swept up and fell hard. all was was great until the mood swings, push/pull, insults began.   Then one Sunday afternoon in September, we went to a cafe where we first met.   I was outside reading, and enjoying the sun.  Meanwhile, she was inside running up a 16 shot vodka tab, and behaving very badly to say the least.  She expected me to pay the bill, and when I refused hit hit the fan.  She raged, and became violent repeatedly punching me in the head.  I tried to leave the cafe/bar up the street, she attacked me.   Down the street, she attacked me.   I was forced to put her down on the sidewalk while bystanders watched in shock. I told them to call the police, after which they came with an ambulance.   She was forcibly restrained in the ambulance and take to hospital for meds/eval.   This is where I should have run for the hills.     Police questioned me, but with all witnesses present, I was free to go.     A week later, I decided to try and work on a friendship as I didnt want to abandon her and thought I could be a positive influence in her life.   How stupid am i?    Then we began speaking, sleeping together again, then the drama culminated again with her screaming/swearing at me last night as I walked away on the street and didnt look back.   Today I txted her that we are now strangers, not to talk, look or touch me again.        Help!     She will be allowed back at the cafe nov 3rd.   it sucks as thats where I meet my 2 close friends all the time, and I dont want to stop going... .   

[PhoenixRising15]

Bruised:

Sorry to be terse, just my advice here.

Find a new cafe.

[maxen]

thanks C&H.

I would really like to know if she realizes what she discarded.  Like you I'm sure, I spent a lot of time taking care of her, being there for her, and doing a lot of the little things to show how much I cared for her. 

i saw her through sciatica and gall bladder surgery, planted the plants she wanted, did the laundry, etc., and she "didn't feel cherished." the mind boggles.

[Century2012]

I am not sure how we grab other's post to share. But this one really resonated with me

"Part of me knows she didn't mean those devaluing things she said about me. Part of me understands that all the illicit sex was just like using any other drug to escape from her inner torment. Part of me gets that she does have a deep connection with me still, in some cavern of her heart and mind. Part of me believes that I was indeed a good man to her."

I KNOW that too. But that doesn't make it right.

As my the mother of my exBPD has said on several occasions. "He knows the right thing to do. But he does something else that he knows is wrong and creates as mess."

[bb12]

The flame was pretty "hot." It takes time for the burn to heal. And they leave a scar.

But our scars don't have to leave us wounded. They are helpful reminders of red flags to avoid as we move forward.

Yep - it really is just like any other scar. The one on my knee is pretty bad but I learned to ride that bike and never crashed as badly again!

Bb12

[crazytrain2]

Fiddle... .isn't that the truth! 

An acquaintence friend of mine once said... ."you will probably always have a soft spot in your heart for him".

My closer friends just hope I find the real deal before he comes back .

As much as I've gone through with him, the idea of reconciling, like ever should be a no brainer. I even find it hard to imagine a circumstance where I could reconcile with him and not on some level FORCE myself to do it because a large part of me would be screaming NOO! DON'T DO IT!

But, the one thing that hasn't happened yet, is a LOT of time apart and him telling me that he hit rock bottom and actually sought treatement himself, on his own at some point during the time I wasn't a crutch or a trigger and that he would like to try again.

This would be the only way I'd feel okay about trying again, and to tell you the truth, I'd probably start out secretively... .not letting ANY of my friends or families know because they already thought I was nuts sticking around and on-off-on-off-on-off-on-off-on-off for the past 3-4 yrs.  I'd be embarassed to put myself out there again because of the failure pattern.

But I too do have some malignant hope.  I also think, that once I've made it to the other side of this, there would be no way in hell... .but at least I'd be able to sincerely congratulate him on his recoveries and wish him the best.