Relationship with uBPD Wife and My Parents Going Down the Drain

[guitarguy09]

I posted on the New Members board a little while ago about my situation. I would post the link but I can't find it. In a nutshell, my uBPD wife dislikes my sisters intensely and that rift has caused our relationship with my family to go south in a big way. A while back, when she was fighting with my sisters, she sent them some nasty emails, and when my parents emailed to say that they wanted us to come over separately instead of everyone together (which we do during holidays), she sent them one too.

Three months later, and I was finally ready to get together. I did all the work of convincing my wife to apologize (because I felt it would help greatly) and to get my parents to agree to have me, my wife, and 19 month old son over together. We were all set to go over in a couple days. However my parents recently discovered that my wife had blocked my mom's cell phone number, and I think my dad was deadset against trying to make up with her when she hasn't been willing to do counseling. She blocked not my parents' home number, not my dad's cell phone number, but my mom's cell phone so it wasn't like she blocked them in all ways (not that I'm excusing the behavior and we have talked about it).

Evidently that set them off so much that they decided they don't want anything to do with her anymore. They want me to just take my son to see them separately. I really feel this is unfair and that they are not being very understanding of my situation. We met for lunch today and they basically came out and said they support me if I want to get a divorce. Needless to say, I am not very happy at all because we were close to making up and moving on from that bad chapter in our lives. I feel like this is a never ending nightmare.

Does anyone have any advice they can offer? Obviously since my wife is uBPD, my parents and her have had trust issues in the past. I tried to explain to them that dealing with her is not like dealing with a normal person, but they just shrug it off and basically expect her to be "better" when dealing with them.

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[briefcase]

Being caught between the demands of your BPD wife and the expectations of your parents is a tough spot to be in.  I speak from hard experience.  You can read the first few pages of my posts here to see how I got here (my parents threatened to disinherit me because of my wife).    

Sadly, you do not have the power to fix the relationship between your family and your wife.  They will have to want to work things out among themselves, and then be willing to forgive and put in the hard work to make something better.  

You can, and should, keep control over your choices in all of this. Your parents want you to dump your wife.  Your wife wants you to dump your parents.  It's important that you not let either of them dictate your choices.  You don't have to leave your wife.  You don't have to cut off your parents.  Your choices will come with consquences, but with these issues its important that you follow your conscience and heart.  

Please stay strong in this.  It's ok to tell your wife that you intend to keep some relationship with your parents.  It's ok to tell your parents that you intend to stay with your wife (and the mother of your child).  

I wish I had more to offer, some magical compromise that will bring everyone together.  I don't have it - and not for lack of looking either.  I spent the first fifteen years of my marriage trying to bring everyone together and endured a lot of pain in the process.  

I am happy to report that eventually my parents and wife realized they would have to find ways to deal with each other.  And things have gotten better in my case.  There is hope.  But, you have to stay strong.  


     

[guitarguy09]

Being caught between the demands of your BPD wife and the expectations of your parents is a tough spot to be in.  I speak from hard experience.  You can read the first few pages of my posts here to see how I got here (my parents threatened to disinherit me because of my wife).    

Sadly, you do not have the power to fix the relationship between your family and your wife.  They will have to want to work things out among themselves, and then be willing to forgive and put in the hard work to make something better.  

You can, and should, keep control over your choices in all of this. Your parents want you to dump your wife.  Your wife wants you to dump your parents.  It's important that you not let either of them dictate your choices.  You don't have to leave your wife.  You don't have to cut off your parents.  Your choices will come with consquences, but with these issues its important that you follow your conscience and heart.  

Please stay strong in this.  It's ok to tell your wife that you intend to keep some relationship with your parents.  It's ok to tell your parents that you intend to stay with your wife (and the mother of your child).  

I wish I had more to offer, some magical compromise that will bring everyone together.  I don't have it - and not for lack of looking either.  I spent the first fifteen years of my marriage trying to bring everyone together and endured a lot of pain in the process.  

I am happy to report that eventually my parents and wife realized they would have to find ways to deal with each other.  And things have gotten better in my case.  There is hope.  But, you have to stay strong.  


     

Hi Briefcase,

Thanks for your response. It's good I don't have to necessarily satisfy both parties or to go all in with one side or the other. It's nice to hear from someone who's been in the same situation. I will talk to my mom tomorrow and try to make one more appeal for having us over. Apart from that, it may be time to truly listen to my heart and decide from there.

[bpbreakout]

Briefcase made some really good points.

I have had similar issues with BPDw and my sisters (FYI my parents have passed away). My position is that I am totally open with my sisters about BPDw and her issues and my sisters will support me in what I want to do. This means that if I stay married they will support me in trying to keep the marriage going for my sake, BPDw's sake and our children's sake. If I choose to seperate they will support me and our children. BPDw and sisters communicate with each other regularly and without my knowledge or inteference but BPDw knows that if there are any tensions between her and my sisters (there have been a few over the years) I will deal with the situation. This has arisen and in fact I have been more open with my sisters & very diplomatic with BPDw as frankly BPDw has been the cause of the tensions. I don't think BPDw would ever send unpleasant emails but if she did I wouldn't feel any "guilt" in discussing things with my sister & if BPDw thought I was taking sides she would just have to deal with it. So far these unwritten "rules" have worked ok and I have maintained a good relationship with my family.

BPDw has a large and fractured extended family, I can think of two occasions when one BIL has taken a back seat on this kind of issue and it has contributed to very nasty email exchanges between his wife and other family members when he could have taken control of the situation and circumvented a lot of problems which really blew up out of nothing. The stronger and more open your relationship with your family the less likely I think this sort of thing would happen.

If you are trying to make things work with your BPDw then you have every right to do so, I think you are entitled to ask for support from your family and given the nature of this condition not surprsing they might have some misgivings. If you are trying to make things work with your family I think that entitles you to expect support from BPDw & that includes absolutely no nasty emails her relationship with them is secondary to yours. You have a 19 month old son, it would be nice if he had the benefit of a large (reasonably functional) extended family, maybe best for all to think of that rather than individual concerns.

[waverider]

As briefcase points out, you can only control you and your relationships. That between your parents and your wife is a third party RS. You can just let it be, or stress out by walking on eggshells over trying to maintain it. If that means they are kept apart and you have your RS with each separately, so be it.

Trying to force a family unity that is not there will have endless repercussions, including lots of backstabbing. Just not worth it. Keep your own boundaries about your right to have your own RS with each, and not be pressured by the other parties for doing so.

Do not get drawn into having to justify and defend your reasons either. It is your right, and your choice.