Validation From Attorney

[Turkish]

I also posted this on the Custody board, but wanted to post it here since I've been posting here more:



I just got back from talking to a lawyer (female). She said 3/2/3 custody plan or whatever that is (I was originally of the opinion of 7/7, but considering their age... .). The funny thing is that I was not 5 mins in talking, told her that my SO is diagnosed with depression, but that I thought that was some other underlying PD there. The lawyer said,

"BPD"

Wow. She said she could see it in my face when I walked in.

She gave me almost a 50 min free consultation. I said I appreciated her taking extra time, and she said, no problem, I needed it. Her opinion was to move fast with writing something up and offering it to my pwBPDex while she was still living in my house, because after she moves out, she will get more unstable, and that you never know what little birds will start talking in her ear (like a gold-digging boyfriend). I said that it made sense. The CS was by the book, guidline, no getting around that (I make over twice her salary... .they're my kids, my responsibility, it is what it is, and that is life... .just have to batten down the hatches financially, but I will make do somehow).

She was also of the opinion of writing up the contact with our future SOs to have a 1 year period before introducing them. I said I had heard 6 months was good, but she said she tends to lean conservative. Besides, did I think my pwBPDex could make a 1 year relationship last? (not now, but probably later). I said, good point!

[rags_and_feathers]

Wow -- great that you have a lawyer who is familiar with BPD -- that will help you a great deal -- and it must feel really good to have that validation!

[Learning_curve74]

That is pretty cool. Sounds like you are in good hands with the lawyer you chose. 

[thisyoungdad]

I had a similar experience very early on with my attorney, she has been incredibly validating multiple times. Early on she referred to my ex as having a PD... .just as I was coming to grips with it myself. She mentioned "crazy making behavior" that to trust her that everyone could see it too, they just can't comment to me. This was because we did the collaborative process so she was referring to  the ex's attorney,family advocate etc. And in time this proved true as they dropped very subtle hints that they too understood what was going on. No other person has had that impact on me when validating me, so I understand completely! Keep her.

[fiddlestix]

There are a lot of folks who have no idea about BPD.  I had never heard of it until the summer of 2012, when my ex left.  I am a fairly well-read person with a masters degree.  So it is not surprising that most people are unaware of it.  Luckily, the mediator handling my divorce has heard of it and is sympathetic.  

Moreover, my boss, who is a social worker at a veterans retirement home where I am a chaplain, said if a potential resident has BPD on their file she will not admit them to live in the facility.  She said they are too much trouble.  They can't be trusted in the living community with their lies, manipulations and moods.  We have many people with PTSD, schizophrenia, depression... .but BPD patients are not admitted into this particular nursing home.  So, it is nice to have the validation of some professionals as to the difficulty of living with a pwBPD.  It wasn't just my fault.

Fiddle

[thisyoungdad]

Fiddle- I am also a well educated, well rounded, love to read and learn kind of guy. My dad even has severe bi polar and yet I had never even heard of BPD until my ex ran out on me and was acting nuts. I googled some of the symptoms to better understand bipolar except to my surprised it was all coming back with BPD information! That started my journey... .crazy how so many people have no idea it is even an issue. I think that is big part of the problem really with people getting help.

[rags_and_feathers]

I was talking to a defense lawyer friend of ours a few weeks ago -- she said that she had recently taken a course on BPD, and that a lot of her colleagues were doing that too, since so many male partners of BPD women end up going to jail as a result of their wives'/partners' provocations and lies.  Scary stuff -- but the legal folks are starting to become more informed on the matter, it seems.

[Waifed]

I also posted this on the Custody board, but wanted to post it here since I've been posting here more:



I just got back from talking to a lawyer (female). She said 3/2/3 custody plan or whatever that is (I was originally of the opinion of 7/7, but considering their age... .). The funny thing is that I was not 5 mins in talking, told her that my SO is diagnosed with depression, but that I thought that was some other underlying PD there. The lawyer said,

"BPD"

Wow. She said she could see it in my face when I walked in.

She gave me almost a 50 min free consultation. I said I appreciated her taking extra time, and she said, no problem, I needed it. Her opinion was to move fast with writing something up and offering it to my pwBPDex while she was still living in my house, because after she moves out, she will get more unstable, and that you never know what little birds will start talking in her ear (like a gold-digging boyfriend). I said that it made sense. The CS was by the book, guidline, no getting around that (I make over twice her salary... .they're my kids, my responsibility, it is what it is, and that is life... .just have to batten down the hatches financially, but I will make do somehow).

She was also of the opinion of writing up the contact with our future SOs to have a 1 year period before introducing them. I said I had heard 6 months was good, but she said she tends to lean conservative. Besides, did I think my pwBPDex could make a 1 year relationship last? (not now, but probably later). I said, good point!

Congratulations on hiring a great lawyer and also for having the strength to move on.  It is so comforting to have someone that can at least sympathize with the pain you are suffering.  Look forward.  There is a great life ahead of you on the other side of this dark tunnel!

[Turkish]

Fiddle- I am also a well educated, well rounded, love to read and learn kind of guy. My dad even has severe bi polar and yet I had never even heard of BPD until my ex ran out on me and was acting nuts. I googled some of the symptoms to better understand bipolar except to my surprised it was all coming back with BPD information!

I had a feeling that she had a PD... .googled some stuff and almost came to the BPD conclusion 4 years ago. I dismissed it as "naww... .doesn't quite fit... ."

One kid, then another, now this. And I am utterly convinced, especially after coming here a month or so ago. If only I had listened... .but we have to beautiful kids, and that's life, so it is what it is. Now I have to deal with it!

Thanks for all of the responses.

[thisyoungdad]

Turkish, I did the same finding reasons why it couldn't be true... .but here I am too

[oblivian2013]

This is interesting. After being with my wife for 3+ years she ran out on me last July 3rd. That is the same day my brother died back in 1977. I called my sister who said she just talked to my brother's girl friend at the time, who is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, who said it sounds a lot like BPD!

I wish I knew so much earlier. I would have nipped it in the bud and we would have a perfect marriage by now!