What makes me really sad...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

is thinking about all of the non's that are suffering like many of us but have no idea what BPD is.  I cannot fathom going through this not knowing that it was mental illness that destroyed my relationship and not me.  I pray that these people find this board or at the very least find the strength to cope and fight through this devastating, life changing situation.

[Waifed]

is thinking about all of the non's that are suffering like many of us but have no idea what BPD is.  I cannot fathom going through this not knowing that it was mental illness that destroyed my relationship and not me.  I pray that these people find this board or at the very least find the strength to cope and fight through this devastating, life changing situation.

[peterparker]

I totally feel the same way.

Nons who get out of the FOG have more than one way out though, I think.

I have an analytical mind, one that needs an answer, and I finally found it in learning about this disorder. Others don't need an answer, they just need to know they were mistreated and that's enough for them.

If we are healthy at our core, if we are able to seek support and help when we know we need it, from whatever source, peace will come for us, whether through understanding of the disorder or through self reflection.

I'm thankful for this board. It has brought my regrets about my role in my relationship into clearer focus, helping me day by day learn that there was nothing I could have done differently.

[Ironmanrises]

I have thought the same... .

But... .

Ignorance is bliss.

There are many times... .

I wish... .

I never knew about BPD.

Not that not knowing about it... .

Solves the problem... .

Just that... .

You end up seeing things... .

That you cannot... .

Unsee... .

So to speak.

[Jbt857]

I didn't know anything about BPD until about 4 months before my almost 10 year marriage finally ended. His T diagnosed that and NPD, but at that point he was exhibiting more NPD than BPD so that's what I was focused on understanding. I didn't find this place or really take the time to find out about BPD until a few months ago, when I was trying to process the end of my marriage.

In some ways, I feel I wasted years of my life on something I would most likely ended earlier, had I known about BPD, but then I try not to dwell on that. The fact is, I'm out of it now, and the skills such as NC and the experiences of others here and the resources have enabled me to move forward in my recovery far quicker than I would have done otherwise.

I was late getting here, but I'm so thankful I found this site.

[Clearmind]

This board would be a trigger for a person with BPD.

It is sad and we have some healing to do. We need to save ourselves rather than save another. That's what got us into this dilemma.

[DownandOut]

I wish i knew about BPD prior to my relationship ending, I would have attempted to get my uBPDexgf help.

[Confusedandhurt]

Clearmind pointed out something very powerful that took me awhile to realize.  Part of recovering from a relationship with a pwBPD is recognizing that we have work to do ourselves.  I needed to come to terms with how my past led me to the person I got into the relationship with.  Through a lot of work over the past year, I have become much more aware of how my childhood experiences made me vulnerable to my ex.  My ex tapped insecurities and weaknesses that I had suppressed for many years.  The result was my becoming totally emotionally invested in the relationship to the point that I had lost who I was.  When she threw me to the trash, I was left wondering who I was and what had become of the person I thought I was.

For me, that's a major part of what nons lack in understanding... .

C&H

[Mutt]

Clearmind pointed out something very powerful that took me awhile to realize.  Part of recovering from a relationship with a pwBPD is recognizing that we have work to do ourselves.  I needed to come to terms with how my past led me to the person I got into the relationship with.  Through a lot of work over the past year, I have become much more aware of how my childhood experiences made me vulnerable to my ex.  My ex tapped insecurities and weaknesses that I had suppressed for many years.  The result was my becoming totally emotionally invested in the relationship to the point that I had lost who I was.  When she threw me to the trash, I was left wondering who I was and what had become of the person I thought I was.

For me, that's a major part of what nons lack in understanding... .

C&H

I'm not sure if I would of understood it as insecurities, weaknesses etc... .that I had to work on, if I hadn't been told that she was BPD.

I almost believed her that I was the source of all of the problems in the r/s and I'm the defective one after being discarded. Years of distortion, blaming, emotional blackmail etc... .with my ex and not know about PD? I'm with the OP.


I pray for those nons that are still in the fog to find these boards. These boards are a lifesaver.

[Clearmind]

Always look at someones actions - a diagnoses and themtelling you if they are BPD is irrelevant - it does not change the behavior and the way they treated you. We negated to look at the actions - these are the things  we need to look at.

Why did we stay and why did we put up with it? The answer does not lie with your ex. A person with self worth does not attach themselves to an abuser! Food for thought.

There is no such thing as a 'non' - we all have our own issues to overcome. We did not get sucked into these relationships. We chose our partners as much as they chose us. We needed to fill a void.

Check out this link From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle and I can highly recommend you complete the schema test - https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/schema_inventory.xls. What brought us into the relationship is all about vulnerabilities and relationship skills developed in early childhood.

I almost believed her that I was the source of all of the problems

Why? It was not her that made you believe it unless we all want to classify ourselves as victims.

Why did we ignore all those red flags - BPD diagnoses or not? Take note of what someone shows you to be.

[Waifed]

I wish i knew about BPD prior to my relationship ending, I would have attempted to get my uBPDexgf help.

Problem is they likely will think you are crazy!  I suggested therapy once and she flat out said that she didn't need therapy. Two weeks after I broke it off with her she was still texting like clockwork every other day.  At this point I met my T and told him about our relationship history he told me about BPD. I offered to pay for her to seek therapy. What did she do?  She permanently painted me black and called the police! 

[starshine]

I'm so grateful to this site.  I found out about BPD when I googled "cruel breakups"... .and this site has been the healthiest one I've read.  I hung out and read different people's stories for almost 18 months before I started posting. I just was so relieved to read that other's had similiar- almost exact, at times- experiences to me.  If I hadn't found this, I would have thought I was the crazy one, unworthy of love and support (as I didn't get much from my family/community).  It's been quite an evolutionary journey, now that I'm beginning to post.  I am able to work through so many more layers of gunk in my system. 

Thanks for being out here.   

[patientandclear]

There is no such thing as a 'non' - we all have our own issues to overcome. We did not get sucked into these relationships. We chose our partners as much as they chose us. We needed to fill a void. ... .  What brought us into the relationship is all about vulnerabilities and relationship skills developed in early childhood.

Clearmind, this may often be true, but I don't think it is always true of everyone on these boards.  Some of us did leave, the first time; we didn't go back.  It has still been devastating.  For me, the boundaries that I chose and enforced have been incredibly hard to live with because of the trauma of sudden loss of someone who I thought loved me deeply.  It has been so hard to believe in my own choice to not recycle.  It had been hard to reassure myself that the boundaries I chose were necessary.  Because it's all so crazy and it doesn't match any patterns of human interactions I knew about before this.

These relationships can be devastating even if they are not exposing childhood trauma for us, and we still need support even if we don't fit the pattern of staying in an abusive dynamic.  There are quite a few folks on this board right now who were in lovely relationships until the moment they were dropped on their head -- then learned their partner wBPD was living a double life, or just disappeared without a trace or any explanation.  Those people still have to deal with the trauma and toxic shame of that loss that feels like it could only be explained by some sort of deep inadequacy in us.

[Clearmind]

Not everyone will relate to every post - we need to be mindful of seeing what fits. If it doesn't fit for you thats OK. With 60,000 members it is bound to happen  .

Regardless, there is no psychological definition of a 'non'.

Some of us did leave, the first time; we didn't go back.  It has still been devastating.  For me, the boundaries that I chose and enforced have been incredibly hard to live with because of the trauma of sudden loss of someone who I thought loved me deeply.

P&C, I have read your story and I know you are trying very hard for friendship. Kudos to you!

The fact that we “thought” it was love is the issue P&C – we lead ourselves to believe that the intensity = love. These are questions folks on the leaving board ask themselves - I have seen it in many threads. My perception of what love is, what a relationship entails was deeply skewed to ever believe that my ex loved me. So you are right, whether this idea came from childhood or not – it came from somewhere. Not everyone attaches to a Borderline.

It has been so hard to believe in my own choice to not recycle.  It had been hard to reassure myself that the boundaries I chose were necessary.  Because it's all so crazy and it doesn't match any patterns of human interactions I knew about before this.

Great for you P&C – boundaries are very important. I have read many of your posts about your struggles with maintaining a friendship. Not easy.

we still need support even if we don't fit the pattern of staying in an abusive dynamic.  There are quite a few folks on this board right now who were in lovely relationships until the moment they were dropped on their head -- then learned their partner wBPD was living a double life, or just disappeared without a trace or any explanation.  Those people still have to deal with the trauma and toxic shame of that loss that feels like it could only be explained by some sort of deep inadequacy in us.

I agree, we all need support and no doubt you have received much support on the Staying Board.

Look at someone’s actions. Relationships do not end suddenly – there are warnings that we choose to ignore.

Its unlikely to be BPD if there were no warning signs. BPD is a pervasive pattern of relating. Some could be dealing with non-committal types, those with some deep personal issues that are not BPD, trauma of some other kind.

If I missed the warning signs all along in my relationship, rigth from the first date - then that is mine to own and come to understand - I need to find out why this was the case. And I have.

You have your reasons for maintaining contact and that is great – I commend you for it. I also understand it’s a struggle and if you wish to persist that is wonderful

[eyvindr]

This is very true --

There is no such thing as a 'non' - we all have our own issues to overcome. We did not get sucked into these relationships. We chose our partners as much as they chose us. We needed to fill a void.

Check out this link From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle and I can highly recommend you complete the schema test - https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/schema_inventory.xls. What brought us into the relationship is all about vulnerabilities and relationship skills developed in early childhood.

And the schema stuff is useful -- though when I presented it to my therapist, he said it looked interesting, but pretty much blew it off.

Waifed, forgive me -- but may I use this as an example of how far we can come, thanks to the support and camaraderie of these boards --

I wish i knew about BPD prior to my relationship ending, I would have attempted to get my uBPDexgf help.

Problem is they likely will think you are crazy!  I suggested therapy once and she flat out said that she didn't need therapy. Two weeks after I broke it off with her she was still texting like clockwork every other day.  At this point I met my T and told him about our relationship history he told me about BPD. I offered to pay for her to seek therapy. What did she do?  She permanently painted me black and called the police! 

Can we all admit that, if we're just able to step back from this a bit, and look at it totally objectively, it's pretty damned comical! -- you offer to help someone you love, out of love, and they call the cops on you! If that ain't nutty, what is?

Hang in there, everyone.

[eyvindr]

Clearmind,

I know what triggering means, but can you help me understand how it would present?

This board would be a trigger for a person with BPD.

Say someone wBPD stumbles into these forums, begins reading, and the illness is triggered. What would it look like?

[Clearmind]

Imagine me stumbling on a BPD forum and my ex was a member posting all kinds of things about me! I would be triggered.

I would imagine they would explain and justify and protect their interests, possibly cast blame just as many of us do here in our posts  . It hurts I'm sure for all involved.

[eyvindr]

Certainly, in that case -- obvious. I was thinking in more general terms -- like some of the newbies who wander in and share that they have been dxd.

Imagine me stumbling on a BPD forum and my ex was a member posting all kinds of things about me! I would be triggered.

Though, in my experience with my ex, a pwBPD could very easily read almost any of these posts and be convinced they were written about them, even if they weren't. My ex still does that around FB.

[Clearmind]

How are you going waifed?

[fromheeltoheal]

I always thought something was "off" in the relationship, didn't know what it was, couldn't put my finger on it, didn't uderstand it, and of course I was emotionally enmeshed a could not think straight.  I left her because it finally got too painful, and didn't learn about BPD until after it was over.  The biggest thing that knowledge gave me was a huge sense of relief, because now I understood; that knowledge cleared everything up, and of course it, and all the folks here, gave me validation.  It was NOT all me.  BPD is becoming more mainstream, or maybe my focus has shifted, but I hope many more people can get the clarity we got here and wherever about the disorder.

[Waifed]

How are you going waifed?

Thanks for asking Clearmind... .I am doing much better most days after a little over two months.  I have days that I think about her a lot but I think that is normal after being with anyone for three years.  It is usually triggered by subconscious dreams or seeing or doing something that reminds me of her.  I think once I get over the thinking about helping her stage I will come out of the other side of the tunnel.  It is amazing what thousands of dollars of therapy can do! ...   But seriously, I am thankful that this force me to deal with some of my longstanding issues of not feeling loved as a child even though I now know my parents love me.  They were just kids when I was a child.  I am very close to forgiving my father for the lack of love  that he showed me as a child.

[Clearmind]

So pleased to hear that Waifed. It really is a process and it does take time. You are doing the right thing by you and thats writing about it. Writing about your journey and your feelings really is the best medicine.

The dreams subside - its part of the trauma you have been through.

I had to do the same with my father waifed. I have more unconditional love for my father than ever now after having gone through this experience. It has brought me to a level of acceptance that he tried the best he could and now its time for me to piece my life together.

I am pleased you are in therapy. You are doing really well and should be proud of yourself.

[Waifed]

So pleased to hear that Waifed. It really is a process and it does take time. You are doing the right thing by you and thats writing about it. Writing about your journey and your feelings really is the best medicine.

The dreams subside - its part of the trauma you have been through.

I had to do the same with my father waifed. I have more unconditional love for my father than ever now after having gone through this experience. It has brought me to a level of acceptance that he tried the best he could and now its time for me to piece my life together.

I am pleased you are in therapy. You are doing really well and should be proud of yourself.

You are very sweet. Thanks for everything. I am proud of myself. I never thought I would face this head on and it is sort of a blessing that BPD came into my life. WELL, MAYBE NOT  . I have even discussed this with my dad. He is a much different person today than he was many years ago.

[eyvindr]

Thanks for asking Clearmind... .I am doing much better most days after a little over two months.  I have days that I think about her a lot but I think that is normal after being with anyone for three years.  It is usually triggered by subconscious dreams or seeing or doing something that reminds me of her.  I think once I get over the thinking about helping her stage I will come out of the other side of the tunnel.  It is amazing what thousands of dollars of therapy can do! ... .

Isn't it! Imagine how much good could might result if all of our respective pwBPD would make the same investment in themselves as we have! I've often thought that all it would take for my ex to be happy would be for her to take care of herself as well as she demands that everyone else does!

Great to hear you're doing better, and I'm happy that you're finding some resolution with your father. That is a very good side outcome of this stuff.

e.

[PhoenixRising15]

I hate that I cannot unsee what I have seen here.

It was very painful to watch the end play out as it did, even trying the tools.

I am completely dissociated reading this thread.

I can't even believe you people are real.  That you have shared these experiences with me.

That this is reality.

That's scary.

[eyvindr]

Hi QuestioningFaith --

Sounds like you're having a rough moment. What's up? Need to talk?

e.

[EdR]

I have thought the same... .

But... .

Ignorance is bliss.

There are many times... .

I wish... .

I never knew about BPD.

Not that not knowing about it... .

Solves the problem... .

Just that... .

You end up seeing things... .

That you cannot... .

Unsee... .

So to speak.

Thank you for writing this. I feel the same way. I never was romantically involved, though you could define my situation as a failed 'relationship' in a sense; so forgive me if I'm posting in the wrong threads.

But due to my past experiences (several people who committed suicide), I really wanted to know what was going on with my female friend when her behaviour started to become increasingly strange. My analytical mindset combined with (too?) much empathy enabled me to see the signs of Borderline.

Did it help? Well... .at first it DID help. I thought I could finally 'understand' the behaviour and started seeing her actions weren't personal.

But later on... it became like a huge stone, which I was carrying around. The notion of Borderline became an excuse to accept some of her behaviour and made sure I couldn't get her of my mind. I really wanted to help her.

In a way, 'knowing' about (possible) Borderline made me far more vulnerable. I opened myself to a kind of toxic entanglement. And that's when it all really started. The closer I got, the harder it became.

If I didn't know about (possible) Borderline, my empathy wouldn't have kicked in as hard. And she would have just pushed me away. Just as she pushed away many others.

I still almost walked away on the right moment. Due to changes in our personal environment we wouldn't see eachother anymore. But that's when she suddenly sought my attention again, and I fell for it. (Re)starting the cycle all over again.

If I would have walked away then, only the ones who would be 'superficial' enough to not see her traits (she shows it far more, and far more clearly to people who are emotionally involved. If it remains superficial 'party-like', there is less of a problem) and the few who were already ensnared would have remained.

And I wouldn't know the hurt and confusion of it all... .

[frustrated b/f]

I found out about this site after searching "Turns feelings into facts." I felt so liberated to find out I was not crazy and wasn't making this all up!

I was going crazy, thinking I was a bad person and somehow was being punished by God.

[Waifed]

Imagine me stumbling on a BPD forum and my ex was a member posting all kinds of things about me! I would be triggered.

I would imagine they would explain and justify and protect their interests, possibly cast blame just as many of us do here in our posts  . It hurts I'm sure for all involved.

The difference is we would retort with a logical explanation of our version of the story backed with facts.  A BPD would deny, call us names and then claim that were harassing them. 

I know of one other site that BPD's post on and they openly hate bpdfamily.com .