Life threats towards nBPD? How to deal with it?

[AlexRose]

My undiagnosed BPDxBF broke the NC yesterday. I read his messages. He wanted to reconcile, then had the urge to tell me how much he hates me, then tried manipulating me into taking pity on him, then moved on to expressing the utter hatred again. When in the 'take pity on me' phase he revealed a shocking 'truth' from his past and said that the last time his life was normal was when his ex (the one before me) stepped out of their apartment to go party, where she then got drugged and raped by a stranger. Terrible thing, yet...

Over the course of our r/s he spoke many times of the ex, always calling her a retard, a psycho, a bhit, neglectful mother, a hoarder, liar and so on. He said she cheated on him. They were together for 8 years (had kids together), until she took off one night for no apparent reason, took the kids away and ran for the hills. She would not reveal their new address or ph number for 2 years. Only recently she let him see the kids. Or so he says.

When he revealed the rape I was shocked. This would not add up with the quite consistent story he kept feeding me with in the past. Even though deep inside I am doubting the rape actually had happened, I responded with compassion and friendship towards both, as was really worried for him.

Today I woke up to another series of messages. Wanted not to look but... So, he started threatening me with death and said I should be very afraid. It shocked me, but I did not respond. 2 hrs later he sent a one liner saying he didn't mean that and that he would find help and not contact me again.

When he mentioned help, I couldn't believe my eyes. Sent him an encouraging email. Said that therapy after such a major trauma as rape would be a great thing for him and the ex. Said I was no enemy of his and that I wish him well on the road to recovery but also mentioned that the earlier threats were unacceptable and I wish to end our contact from now on. I mentioned that I asked him many times to leave me be, that I was suicidal at one point and am too fragile to take any more of this, and said that if he emails me again with threats I will seek help from the police. It was all said in  a compassionate manner yet I was setting firm with boundaries.

This has enraged him. The series of emails that followed was full of filth. He would say I should be very afraid, that I should remember what he had done 'to that other cu*t that ripped him off' (not a clue who he meant), that I deserve to die because I am so full of malice. This was happening when I was in work. Got scared. Palpitations, raised BP, feeling of heaviness in my chest as if I was to get cardiac arrest. Now a bit better and calmer, I'm trying to rationalise it, but can I really?

I have not known of a BPD person making life threats towards others. From what I have read they can get suicidal or into self harm. I am really worried he's got something even more serious than BPD and I am scared. It is not like he's going to come over here immediately, the flight is about 40hrs, but I am really worried he will come to get me. He does not have my new address but he can google my work place, my team etc.

Has anybody been subjected to life threats from your BPD SO and how did you deal with it? Any suggestions please...

[clover528]

Yes, i have. I am still dealing with it. Please seek help. There is a link on this site somewhere for information for possible violence and what to do. you must contact authorities. Take it seriously. Document everything. Be prepared and most importantly stay safe.

My udBPDex has terrorized me and my family. It doesnt get better. At least it hasnt for me. I am in the process of filing yet another charge. They can not regulate emotions and the behavior escalates with stressful situations. Thats been my experience. Also consistent with what i have read here. Go to the legal board also for information.

I hope someone who is more fluent with this site will post a link to the information on abuse and violence and how to make  a plan and prepare.

There are wonderful folks here who know what you are going thru. Stay safe.

[numbr3]

You broke the NC by reading his messages!  Block him!  Take his threats seriously!

He doesn't care if you are compassionate or friendly or not,  it doesn't matter- he is manipulating you and you will listen to him.

Seriously AlexRose, you would be friends with someone who threatens you?

My xH threatened me with innuendos-  "You'd better keep your mouth shut", "I could lose my job because of you, you keep screwing me over",  "I'll get a restraining order against you" "I should have run you over" etc., etc.

I know he has threatened people besides me.  That is what BPDs do.

He will keep this up because you let him.  Block all his messages-he is one sick dude and you can't fix him.

[Surnia]

Alex Rose

I am so sorry. 

This is very tough and I agree with clover, take it serious.

Don't delete anything from this mail exchange!

You need help from Police or a Helpdesk for DV.

Safety First

[Traumatized]

Has anybody been subjected to life threats from your BPD SO and how did you deal with it? Any suggestions please...

The night mine threatened to have me severely beaten, tortured and killed I took her threat VERY seriously.  I left her apartment and called a friend of mine who's a cop.  He told me I had 3 options: file a police report, have her arrested or do nothing.  He told me that he's seen these type of situations before and they don't end well. 

I went back up to her apartment (which the cop thought was a BAD idea) and she asked me if I thought she would really do those things.  I said, "Yes... .yes, I do."  She said, "Why?  I never did any of those things to my ex and I HATE him, so why would I do those things to you?" I said, "Because you told me you hate me more than your ex."  She didn't say a word.  Instead she started walking around the room humming to herself and acting like she didn't have a care in the world.  It was oddly disturbing.  I felt like I was in a horror movie in the moments right before the killer was going to kill.

We went out to a local bar and her speech got even more chilling.  She told me I would never know when it was coming.  That it would happen when I least expect it.  Her words sent shivers down my spine!  At that point I knew the whole thing had gone too far.  I was really scared.  She excused herself to go to the bathroom and that's when I fled!  The police station was right around the corner and I decided I definitely had to file a report against her.  She called and asked me why I left?  "Because I wasn't exactly having a good time," I said.  I told her I was going home and we agreed that it wasn't a good idea for me to sleep over at her place that night.

I filed the police report and was asked if I wanted to have officers go to her apartment to talk with her... .or if I wanted to have her arrested.  I was terrified of either of those choices.  I thought it would only provoke her further.  She knew someone who had a connection with the Russian mafia and her dad used to work for the Italian mafia.  I did not want to take my chances.  I filed the report and said I didn't want anything else to happen.

The second time she threatened me was via text.  This time I had evidence that she planned to have me beaten, slowly tortured and killed.  I wanted to file another police report, but was told that if I did she would DEFINITELY be arrested.  After a few minutes of agonizing contemplation I decided not to file the police report.  I just didn't have it in my heart to have her arrested.  I loved her way too much!

[Take2]

I continue to go thru it also.  I have been called every terrible , ugly name he can think of and did become very frightened when his rages escalated to threats to destroy my personal life, threats to destroy my work life.  Comments that he "will break me" (just last week) when I was actually able to not become a crying mess at work.   Comments that he hopes I am beaten.

He is too smart to put the scariest threats in writing.  But if yours does save them.  All of them.

it won't get better.  It may ease here and there but it will get worse each time you do not shut him out. 

I went to a domestic violence counselor several months ago. Her opinion was that yes it will get physical.

I don't know that I believe that now or not. ... .but generally it appears he won't follow thru on most threats because that would take away his power to manipulate and control me... .

its sick ... .so beyond sick... .

tell your friends,  tell your family. ... .tell everyone you know and just stay away from him and do not  respond to him... .

good luck... .Please keep us posted on how you are

[Lady31]

Whoa - crazy how many others have had threats like this and this fear.  I was actually wondering this thing too for others.

I don't know much about this - but I am wondering if there is more of a connection with those that also have strong NPD traits with these types of threats.  Mine had strong NPD traits too.

He made threats - but not about torturing me.  There were times when he said my brother could "use a good killing" and other times where he really scared me.

He would always say "Just keep pushing me" and leave it open ended.  He was very smart not to say too much, but IMPLY.

The last time we were together - he assaulted me while driving down I45 (major freeway in TX) - and he was driving!  I actually got it on video by accident on my phone (a whole different story).  When I called my dad because I was still in the truck going 70 down the freeway in the passenger seat with nowhere to go - I told him I wanted him to stay on the phone with me until I got home because my exh had just got physical with me and I was scared.  As soon as my ex heard this he did the CREEPIEST thing... .

He started screaming in the background "STOOP!  QUIT HITTING ME!  OW!  OW! STOP PULLING MY HAIR AND HITTING ME!"

I looked over at him and he had this evil looking smirk on his face as he was yelling it.  Like - no one else is here but me and you.  It's going to be your word against mine.  When we got to the house I jumped out of the truck and went and stayed in the neighbors driveway until the cops got there.  I was scared if I went in that house to pack a bag of things that he would come back there and kill me.

Would he?  I don't know - but I know I was at a point after seeing something in his eyes that I couldn't say for sure he WOULDN'T.  I knew I couldn't ever go back after that.

[Lady31]

Take2 -

I didn't think mine would ever get physical either.  Even with the HORRIBLE psycho rages and things he would say/break/punch/smash/throw/kick/STOMP, etc.

I endured a few years with no physical altercations, just the other - so I guess I never believed he would cross that line.

Then he did - and actually had once before the one I detailed above but it wasn't anything in that realm.  When I was trying to go around him to get out the door he grabbed me by the arms and slammed me into the door pinning me to it so I couldn't get out.  I moved out then, but went back later!

I also realized after reading books on abuse that there are escalations. And then I recognized them after the fact.  Like - even if they don't hit you, they may start showing signs of physical abuse first by throwing things that "accidentally" hit you, etc.  My ex did that and also once jumped up pissed off during an argument and there was a big work table between us on wheels and he shoved it into me.  He of course acted like he didn't mean to.

Now - I don't believe that at all.  It's a way to "hit" you with something physically to give them satisfaction without actually having to "own" being abusive.

[rags_and_feathers]

AlexRose

Please, please make a police report, and save and document everything.  Threats like that are not to be glossed over!

All these stories are chilling me to the bone -- my ex has threatened my professional life, and has insinuated/hinted at threats to my person, but never done anything solid enough to warrant a police report, I don't think... .yet I am living in fear. I keep it at bay, I function fine, but I never really relax.  This is no way to live.

[rags_and_feathers]

Lady -- your account of the behavior in the car -- I'm just speechless.  That really is horror movie material.  I think  you are right that the ones with strong NPD traits are the most prone to this sort of behavior -- that seems really accurate to me.

[Take2]

Lady... .the turning it around on you in the car to make it sound like all your fault... .my ex does the exact same thing.  Although not yet for someone else to hear but hes done it to me face with lying about threats he just made minutes earlier by claiming he never said it also with that creepy scary expression...   When I threatened him with a restraining order once he got so enraged that he's been much more careful to make sure his threats are always verbal rather than texted any more.  It's far more scary when he walks up behind me at work and wbispers in my how he is going to destroy me.

I believe you Lady that he could get physical.  He's unbelievably strong and to add a twist he's realllllllly into guns although I too am in Texas  where its common but his obsession is more toward survival mode.  Guns in every room in the house.  Within reach at all times.  Gas masks.  Survival stuff.  Like always prepared for doomsday. ... .scary and sad all at once.

AlexRose,

Don't make threats about getting a restraining order.  Just document all you can and if needed do it.  Also they told me that you must cut off all contact , tell him to stop contacting you and then mean it.  If you wind up texting how much you miss him you will have a harder time... .apparently they don't always factor in the reality of Stockholm syndrome. 

[Traumatized]

Lady, in my own personal experience the physical abuse escalated.  It started one night when she was having a melt down.  She threw a heavy wooden hangar at me that barely missed me.  The next incident was when she "accidentally" poked me in the eye with a q-tip, which was later followed by a drink thrown in my face at a classy restaurant, followed by her hitting me on my arm.  The next incident was another drink in my face followed by her giving me a long vicious beat down with her studded handbag.  That incident was followed by her shoving me down to her living room floor as hard as she could.

What's next, broken legs? A disfigured face? Being mutilated with a knife?  Anything is possible.  One of my therapists asked me what it's going to take to wake me up?  Hospitalization?  Death?  I said probably. My addiction runs deep!  I seemingly will put up with anything to get another hit (no pun intended) even if it kills me!

Of course after she did all these things to me she turned it all around and said I was the one that did them to her!.  She spread the word about that fast!

[rags_and_feathers]

BadlyAbused

That is what mine is doing to me right now -- accusing me of doing to her the very, exact things she did TO ME.  It's so incredibly hard to wrap my head around it, and not to call her out on all that and try to defend myself-- but I am just keeping NC and letting the accusations roll off me as best I can.  You really can't argue with that stuff, or you just get pulled in further.  I do wonder if she believes her own spin on reality, though, or if she's aware (even on some vague level) of how incredibly distorted it is?

[Waifed]

Whoa - crazy how many others have had threats like this and this fear.  I was actually wondering this thing too for others.

I don't know much about this - but I am wondering if there is more of a connection with those that also have strong NPD traits with these types of threats.  Mine had strong NPD traits too.

He made threats - but not about torturing me.  There were times when he said my brother could "use a good killing" and other times where he really scared me.

He would always say "Just keep pushing me" and leave it open ended.  He was very smart not to say too much, but IMPLY

The last time we were together - he assaulted me while driving down I45 (major freeway in TX) - and he was driving!  I actually got it on video by accident on my phone (a whole different story).  When I called my dad because I was still in the truck going 70 down the freeway in the passenger seat with nowhere to go - I told him I wanted him to stay on the phone with me until I got home because my exh had just got physical with me and I was scared.  As soon as my ex heard this he did the CREEPIEST thing... .

He started screaming in the background "STOOP!  QUIT HITTING ME!  OW!  OW! STOP PULLING MY HAIR AND HITTING ME!"

I looked over at him and he had this evil looking smirk on his face as he was yelling it.  Like - no one else is here but me and you.  It's going to be your word against mine.  When we got to the house I jumped out of the truck and went and stayed in the neighbors driveway until the cops got there.  I was scared if I went in that house to pack a bag of things that he would come back there and kill me.

Would he?  I don't know - but I know I was at a point after seeing something in his eyes that I couldn't say for sure he WOULDN'T.  I knew I couldn't ever go back after that.

Wow, that is nuts!

[Surnia]

  Alex Rose

how are you doing?