Admitting that it really was that bad- why is it so hard?

[still_flying]

Over the course of a couple of days I have gone from not thinking about him at all to feeling triggered and anxious to classifying the way he treated me as abuse, and now I'm on to thinking that maybe it wasn't all that bad afterall and that maybe I'm the crazy one, imagining things. Or at least that he couldnt' control it so I should forgive him.

Then I remember things like him insulting my haloween costume last year and making me feel so unattractive I cried about it, or making me feel responsible for taking care of his emotions early in the relationship after he had engaged in sexual activity towards me without any form of consent. I mean, I hadn't said no, but later when I told him that I hadn't felt comfortable with him groping me under the blankets with my mom in the next room, he got upset and I felt the need to comfort him. I remember things like him snapping at me because he felt depressed and couldn't stand to see people happy when he was down. He actually admitted to me that this was why he was sniping at me on one occasion.

And even knowing logically that all this actually happened and more, knowing how unhealthy these things sound, I still can't convince myself that it really was that bad. I feel like the bad times were all this weird dream that doesn't fit in with my concept of him as a person, even though towards the end he was in this state far more often than not.

Has anyone else felt this way? How do you deal with the urge to make excuses for your ex's behavior, even at the expense of doubting your own experiences of reality?

[DragoN]

Has anyone else felt this way? How do you deal with the urge to make excuses for your ex's behavior, even at the expense of doubting your own experiences of reality?

Mentally I slap myself. There is no excuse for the abuses he dished out.

[Accepting]

Yeah... .I'm kinda oscillating between being fine/enjoying simple moments in day to day life that are making me feel happy just being by myself... .and missing him, ruminating, dismissing the crazy parts in favour of my loving emotions towards him. I have begun to think that it is hard to keep focused on/believing in such a thing as BPD as my mind is healthy - I have to keep reminding myself of the multitude of crazy things that happened, not just focusing on the affection I still feel for him.

It's a month since I saw him, three wks since he went silent and 2wks since I felt the shock of seeing his online dating site profile - I had a sudden thought and when I checked, there he was. So painful.

I am struggling with waiting and wanting for contact from him (I've deleted all his contact details from my end) - I know that this is something I should not be wishing for - I know that I can not go back to him now for another recycle since educating myself on BPD and piecing the cycle together. I can not do it to myself again... .the trust in him is broken this time. Before, I thought that he struggled but I trusted in his word - now I have proof he lies and lives a falsehood. His words are lies, his actions don't match his words and promises.

Like you, I have been going up and down - fine, happy... .slightly down, ruminating, waiting for contact. One foot in front of the other though, one day at a time... .remembering the reality and not building him up to be what I wanted to believe and not what he really was.

[goldylamont]

Has anyone else felt this way? How do you deal with the urge to make excuses for your ex's behavior, even at the expense of doubting your own experiences of reality?

everyone feels this way, i surely did, it's totally normal--thus and therefor, this proves you are normal   and not crazy 

over time, and with hard work you will start to see a clearer picture of who this person truly is. and still_flying, you should know that it's possible that coming up you will start to feel a lot of anger and hate surging. and i went through this stage also, kind of like stage 2. not that you haven't been dealing with anger up until now, but when you finally realize that "it's over" and that's all there is, this person doesn't really care and quite possibly may be still trying to hurt you, well then it starts to surge. so just know that these thoughts although painful are actually a way for your body to help you stay away (and kind of put the sweet thoughts of this person in check for a while).

overall things will tend to balance out, you'll be both less angry and less loving towards your thoughts for this person, but it takes a good amount of time and there are sure to be backslides. just know that this is normal, and yes, we've all gone through this!

lastly i'll tell you a short funny story--maybe a month or so after my breakup, i was unconsciously having happy thoughts about my ex as i was getting some stuff out of a low-ceiling closet at my house. well as i was leaving the closet i stood up and "bam!" i smacked my head on the ceiling,  , and it was like a voice of wisdom or just a thought but it said to me "she's not all that good". i'm not suggesting you go bumping your head on any ceilings though  trust in yourself that you have strong inner compass to lead you to the truth (because you do!). wishing you well.

[Vindi]

seems like that voice inside you said "yeah something is not right"... .I understand the admitting that is was not that bad... .sometimes we are in a FOG, sometimes we deal with too much, have a high tolerance for alot of things... .with you, you had red flags, they must have built up and finally you said enough is enough.

Anyone can make "excuses" for their pwBPD and why they treat us a certain way, a bad way, etc... .but its just that, and excuse, what is acceptable and not acceptable. YOu seem to know deep down the things he did were not right.

Keep thinking the best, that you got out of a bad situation, something that deep down did not make you happy! be on the road to recovery and know that you did your best and things did not work out.

Keep posting too, it helps!

[Healing4Ever]

Has anyone else felt this way? How do you deal with the urge to make excuses for your ex's behavior, even at the expense of doubting your own experiences of reality?

I relate to this thinking very much, and I'm not sure if I have any answers.  I am 6 months post-breakup, and doing fairly well due in large part to being NC.  I find that in order to get out of the r/s, I almost had to paint *him* black so I could take care of myself, and more clearly see how the r/s was abusive, likely to both of us.  However, the reality is that everybody is lovable to some degree, our pwBPD are people too and deserve people in their lives.  However, due to their abusive treatment of us, it's *not* going to be us.  So, the backlash to painting him black, I think, is this back-and-forth thinking where part of us acknowledges that they're not all bad.  And they're not!  However, *we* don't need to accept abusive treatment in order to benefit from their good parts. 

Also, as this back-and-forth thinking settles down, which is does over time as we heal and become less emotionally charged, I find that this thinking led to me better seeing reality, whatever that truly is.  Meaning - I can see that he is charming and wonderful and a great friend to lots of people (the good points), however, those charms got me hooked into convincing myself that my faults deserved his abusive treatment (the bad part).  My insecurities, my neediness, my need to try and change him - I would see these things in our abusive encounters and double up my efforts to "improve" with the hopes of everything changing.  Which it never did - hence my healing continues on my own.

Stick with it still_flying!  Try to feel your sadness and find ways OTHER THAN HIM to feel better - friends, therapists, this board, baths, exercise.  The other big thing that is true about terrible feelings is that they will pass, eventually - and if we feel them in their entirety, then the next time they come to us they will be a little less charged.  Good luck 

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, and that was just an extension of all the crap I ignored in the relationship, because a loaded bond had been created between us, dysfunctional as hell, and it takes a while to detach and look objectively at what the hell happened.

I compiled a list of all the shtty things she said and did and reviewed it to remind myself that the beautiful, nice, kind girl I fell in love with was a fiction in my head, and the behaviors of the real one, who looked just like the illusion, were completely unacceptable.  Try that, it can be a useful tool as you detach and get your feet on the ground.

[clairedair]

Has anyone else felt this way? How do you deal with the urge to make excuses for your ex's behavior, even at the expense of doubting your own experiences of reality?

still_flying,

I think part of why I made excuses and sometimes still do was because I don't want to think that this person is abusive. I loved him for a long time and he is the father of my children.  And, of course, he's not horrible to me all the time so how can he be abusive... .that's the way my thinking goes.

Also, if I do accept that, then I have to question my long history with him and therefore question most of my adult life.  What was real?  I'm finding that tough now that I'm off the rollercoaster and have the chance to really reflect on what happened.

A new therapist said to me in our first session 'he's not a nice man' and I nearly fell off my chair. Nobody had ever really said that to me.  It's usually the opposite because he is a great friend, great at this caring job etc.  After some sessions with her, I started googling 'recovering from emotional/verbal abuse' and it was an eye-opener.  Couldn't really deny what had been going on.  Nor could I deny that there were times I was using similar tactics e.g. sarcasm.  So I swung from defending to demonising and am now hoping to find some middle ground where I can retain my compassion but also ensure that I focus on myself and heal so that I am not vulnerable to this kind of relationship in future (whether intimate, work or even new friends).

Sorry to hear about the Halloween costume comments - hard when we are triggered by memories of events like that when anniversaries of those times come up.  Hope you are able to dress up and have fun this year.  What costume are you wearing this time?

take care,

Claire

[goldylamont]

So I swung from defending to demonising and am now hoping to find some middle ground where I can retain my compassion but also ensure that I focus on myself and heal so that I am not vulnerable to this kind of relationship in future (whether intimate, work or even new friends).

clairedair, this one sentence expresses what i was trying to using a full paragraph. so well stated. from defending to demonising should be a whole Level on these boards  

to the original poster--it hurts me too to hear how your ex ridiculed your costume. it's silly little things like this that stick around and hurt us, things like this that friends that don't know people with BPD like we know them just wouldn't understand. know that you are lovely, beautiful and real, or he would have had nothing to try to ridicule!

[numbr3]

Bpds can control their behavior.  Mine would not rage or degrade me in front of my family or friends.  But if we were alone or with strangers (restaurant, airport, street corner) he did not hesitate.  He gets no excuse in my book.  He totally knew what he was doing.

still_flying, it is that bad and it is abuse.  Nice people don't abuse their partners.

[winston72]

This is a very provocative and helpful thread for me.  It is very difficult for me to hold "negative" thoughts about my ex.  And by negative I mean a clear, simple recollection of really bad behavior.  My mind has the need to synthesize all of her actions into a positive story line.  Her outright betrayals (extreme ones, consciously pursued, covered with lies and with small amounts of remorse) are categorized in my thoughts as "mistakes."  The name of this site, bpdfamily.com, describes the way forward for healthy living.  I can list the "facts" and recall the events, but I am still unable to really "see" and "hold" these facts within me for what they really were/are.  It is like my emotional tires are out of alignment... .they keep pulling to one side, and not the side I am trying to steer!  As I type this I become more aware that this describes my need to see her in a certain way and not her behavior (duh! but I am just now seeing it!).  I have a need to see her and me and in a manner that is inconsistent with what actually happened. 

The good news is that this is something I own and I can address.  Of course, the bad news is that it is something I own!  A bummer to realize and I don't know how to change it (I am in therapy and these boards are so helpful).  It seems like something so intrinsic to my personality, to the way I experience the world that I feel at a loss to reorient myself. 

The same drives within me that cause me to reflect on her in a certain way are the ones that drove me onward through the red flags and empowered me to rationalize or misinterpret all of the grief during out time together.  That is comforting to realize.

And, in confirmation to one of the posts, my ex once said to me, "Why do people think I am a nice person?  I really am not."  Ha!  I was one of those people... .and when she said this, I recall thinking that she was wrong.  Of course she was wrong and I was right!  What did she know about herself?  I knew better!  And if I insisted she was nice, than she was!

Ugh.  Life.

[Turkish]

Has anyone else felt this way? How do you deal with the urge to make excuses for your ex's behavior, even at the expense of doubting your own experiences of reality?

still_flying,

I think part of why I made excuses and sometimes still do was because I don't want to think that this person is abusive. I loved him for a long time and he is the father of my children.  And, of course, he's not horrible to me all the time so how can he be abusive... .that's the way my thinking goes.

I think that long term, the push-pull, black/white/black/white thing may be an even worse form of abuse. It's like living a lie, and messes with our heads. Then we start doing it in reverse. I used to tell her she was abusive towards me. She never took it seriously. In our last coherent conversation, at least she admitted some of it to me. So she has periods of self-awareness, in-between periods of showing utter lack of empathy... .like asking me "what's wrong?"  As if nothing had happened or was happening. Verbally, I'm not taking it anymore, but emotionally, along her utter lack of empathy while she is still living in my house, qualifies as continuing emotional abuse in a more subtle manner.

I am slowly coming to terms with it, detaching while she is still living with me. Still, I broke down crying and put my head on my steering wheel for a while when I got to work. i just want her to leave... .even though I will have to see her a few times a week for the next decade and a half due to our kids. Give us free!

[DragoN]

I am slowly coming to terms with it, detaching while she is still living with me. Still, I broke down crying and put my head on my steering wheel for a while when I got to work. i just want her to leave.... even though I will have to see her a few times a week for the next decade and a half due to our kids. Give us free!

Can relate. Won't be much longer Turkish. And you are right about:

I think that long term, the push-pull, black/white/black/white thing may be an even worse form of abuse. It's like living a lie, and messes with our heads. Then we start doing it in reverse. I used to tell her she was abusive towards me.

She was abusive towards you. Cheating on you etc. It's a kind of abuse, if betrayal isn't abusive at a core level, I don't know what it.

[BackinBlack]

I have always said to myself "he didn't really mean it".  That's how I tolerated and justified all the verbal abuse I endured over 3 years.  Who knows if he really meant it or not.  It should have never been said. 

I think we all want to believe the best in people.  It's the better parts of him that kept me in the relationship.  Honestly, I just try to focus on the bad parts.  Not necessarily dwelling on it, but snapping back to the reality of the relationship when I get to missing him. 

I started keeping a journal about 6 months into our relationship.  I read that when I'm delusional about what really happened.  Also, the last text messages where he was raging at me.

[PhoenixRising15]

This is the hardest part.  Truly for me.

Thinking back, there is one interaction that really sticks out.

I think I raised my voice to her 3x in the entire relationship.

One of those was a real screaming fit.

Never touched her in a violent way ever.  Never.

She continuously picked fights, abandoned me, and belittled me in every way possible.

At each breakup, after I thought I could handle no more lying, cheating, beating, and berating, she would come back tail tucked in a few days, and act all loving.

She said at one point, "I don't understand why I keep doing this, it's like I'm a battered wife or something and I just keep coming back."

At that point she really did a number on my head.  I started becoming even more tolerant, even more loving, understanding (read: codependent and boundariless).

What I should have realized at the time, and I think part of me did was that this was entirely projection.

She knew she was abusing me.  She couldn't help it (due to her illness and addiction).  And she couldn't understand how I could keep taking her back.  How could I "love" her that much?

I just kept trying to look for the positive and believed her promises to change. 

In the end though, she was right.  I was like a battered husband, and I hate to admit it.

[Velocon]

QuestioningFaith,

You and I have the exact same history.  It is shaming to admit the abuse, and I still have not shared details of it with anyone.  It is also shaming to think back at how hard I tried, how loving and understanding I tried to be, and how co-dependent I in fact was - not letting her suffer the consequences of her actions.

Unfortunately I only really understood her BPD after we had 3 children, who I love more than anything in the world.  I took a lot of abuse, rages and contempt from her because I wanted to hold the family together for them.  The thought of her raising them 50% or more of the time with her raging and devaluation was more than I could bear.  So I consciously made a decision to take the abuse, try to love her & support her getting healthy in hope that things would get better, and create as stable and loving an environment as possible for the kids.  Now we are nearly divorced, our oldest two are in college, and I live with our teen daughter 100% of the time.  After a crisis last May, she was out and the kids have lived with me.  As to the kids, I think I did the best I could for them under the circumstances; I have their love and that gives me solace.

She was/is like two different persons - one who I loved and one who is a monster.   I too struggle with myself (my inner critical voice says "it really took 3 DWIs, suicide threats & court ordered 24/7 placement for a month for you to see reality-idiot!", and did I do the right thing, and whether I will be judged by any potential future relationship as irredeemably defective given the choices I made.  Despite the awful history, I would not erase it if I could because the marriage gave me three amazing, beautiful children who are the world to me now, and who while not unaffected are successful and healthy.

As a guy it is tough to admit to yourself the abuse, and harder to admit to others.

[goldylamont]

As a guy it is tough to admit to yourself the abuse, and harder to admit to others.

i know. i think you're courageous. and your children reflect how strong you are and how good a father you've been to them.

[bpdspell]

I think it takes some time to get out of the FOG to process the magnitude of what we endured. It took me almost a year out before I was able to fully step in the truth of what I actually experienced.

Lies upon lies.

I found a woman in his bed.

Broke up with me because I wouldn't give him $50.

He never bought me anything.

He would always spend his money recklessly and then expect me to pay for his meals throughout the week.

He's a chain smoker: weed and cigarettes.

He always "borrowed" money. Never paid it back.

He verbally abused me and called me a slut and threatened to tell the entire neighborhood that we were "screwing." Slut shamer.

He always wanted to video tape us having sex (Turns out he likes to show these videos to friends). Thank God I never agreed to it.

Tried to extort money from me.

Physically assaulted me and tried to light my hair on fire.

Told me he first cheated on me Christmas day. I was devastated.

Triangulated me with another woman and told me I had to "earn" my way back.


Not only was it bad; it was HELL ON EARTH. He was so toxic. So narcissistic, so impulsive... .

I'm lucky to be alive.

Spell