Scars, Wounds and Tears

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Having to admit that I was wronged... .abused even... .is so hard for me.  I am a light worker - an energy healer trained to see the BEST in people... .see that people are where they are at and to love them... .regardless of what they are going through.  However - this also set me up to be abused I feel - because for such a long time I looked for "lessons" in each challenge - looked at myself and not her which was good - to find what was being triggered in me.  But when she for the last and final time - begged for my return - with all her confessions of love... .then proceeded to ignore me for 6 days - 6 DAYS - only replying if I reached out - and coldly at that - I saw the disorder... .I felt defeated.  There was no spiritual lesson here... .This was mean... .it was abusive and I felt... .defeated!  Gone are my hopes of every being with her for real... .gone is the idea that we would both grow through our insecurities and past wounds to be healthy... .This was NOT me... .I was loving... .I was kind - I remained attentive... .I did all that you do in a relationship... .and she was cold.

When she contacts again and she will... .I just have nothing anymore.  I have pain, tears... .wounds and scars - all with her name on it.  What in the world did I do to myself?

[bauers220]

Having to admit that I was wronged... .abused even... .is so hard for me.  I am a light worker - an energy healer trained to see the BEST in people... .see that people are where they are at and to love them... .regardless of what they are going through.  However - this also set me up to be abused I feel - because for such a long time I looked for "lessons" in each challenge - looked at myself and not her which was good - to find what was being triggered in me.  But when she for the last and final time - begged for my return - with all her confessions of love... .then proceeded to ignore me for 6 days - 6 DAYS - only replying if I reached out - and coldly at that - I saw the disorder... .I felt defeated.  There was no spiritual lesson here... .This was mean... .it was abusive and I felt... .defeated!  Gone are my hopes of every being with her for real... .gone is the idea that we would both grow through our insecurities and past wounds to be healthy... .This was NOT me... .I was loving... .I was kind - I remained attentive... .I did all that you do in a relationship... .and she was cold.

When she contacts again and she will... .I just have nothing anymore.  I have pain, tears... .wounds and scars - all with her name on it.  What in the world did I do to myself?

[rags_and_feathers]

Bauers

I think a lot of us tend to look for the best in others, which is why we have such a hard time seeing when we are being treated very badly.  We see the beauty of the person inside, and we can't see that  the person is so wounded that they are unable to love us in a way that won't be devastating. 

There are lessons in all this, for us -- and I think the biggest lesson of all for me is that sometimes I need to respect myself enough to disengage from toxic situations and losing battles.  I tend to feel very guilty if I put my own needs above the needs of others, and feel selfish and mean if I stand up for myself -- and this has set me up for some of the ugliest relationship situations a person could ever imagine. 

We deserve love, reciprocation, kindness, and respect.   Everyone deserves that -- and in order to be given that in the world, we also need to be capable of treating others the same way.  That's where the BPD folks have a terrible time -- they aren't capable of treating others appropriately.  A truly healthy, whole person will see that, and disengage from a relationship that is abusive.  I, on the other hand, tend to try to find fault in myself, and try to change myself, with hopes that it will make the relationship better.  I think this is true for a lot of people who stay in relationships with BPD partners -- we think that somehow we can heal the other person, or adapt to their wounded schema ... .and we end up on the receiving end of a lot of abuse, ultimately.

So, yes -- there are lessons to be learned, and ways to grow from these relationships.  One of the biggest lessons for me is learning that I need to heal myself and keep myself healthy, if I am going to have anything to offer to others in the world.  The only way to do that, for me, was to disengage from a really toxic and abusive relationship.   She is responsible for healing herself, and I am responsible for healing myself, and understanding what it was in me that caused me to put up with that craziness for so long.

[Learning_curve74]

Having to admit that I was wronged... .abused even... .is so hard for me.  I am a light worker - an energy healer trained to see the BEST in people... .see that people are where they are at and to love them... .regardless of what they are going through.  However - this also set me up to be abused I feel

It is because we looked for the best in people that made us vulnerable to a BPD relationship. You and me both probably saw a good person inside our pwBPD, that there was something special about them that we thought could be nurtured to blossom fully. And I'm guessing that we both had dreams of being together with our pwBPD for the long haul.

bauers220, when you wrote, "What in the world did I do to myself?" there must be a lesson for yourself in there.

There is a saying that what we see in other people is a reflection of some part of us. Maybe sometimes that reflection keeps us from acceptance, and what I say by acceptance is acknowledging and seeing clearly what is without judgement. We can't just sit still in most cases, and in order to be a moral person making judgements of what to do, once we see clearly and truly, then we can make the judgement and our choices fairly in line with what we truly believe in as opposed to reacting directly to our emotions.

The challenge is to not let your experience change you into a hard person, because if you search your heart and your mind, that's not who you want to be, right? Hang in there. 

[maxen]

bauers i can feel your distress, i'm so sorry for the situation you're in.

What in the world did I do to myself?

this is such a hard question - i ask myself this every day. i'd drive myself insane if i kept asking it, so the question has to become, how will i never do this to myself again? how will i learn to feel comfortable asserting my own interests? take the time to embrace yourself right now, then work your way towards your own wholeness.

[bauers220]

bauers i can feel your distress, i'm so sorry for the situation you're in.

What in the world did I do to myself?

this is such a hard question - i ask myself this every day. i'd drive myself insane if i kept asking it, so the question has to become, how will i never do this to myself again? how will i learn to feel comfortable asserting my own interests? take the time to embrace yourself right now, then work your way towards your own wholeness.

I was thinking about this earlier  I have met others in my life - last year even that when displaying irrational behavior - I found it easy enough to walk away.  But this one woman I do not know why... .maybe because she DOES have a sweet side - high functioning - I have seen her heart... .but the disorder keeps her from me - her icy episodes too painful to bear.  She does have a level of empathy in life - but when it comes to relationships her empathy is delayed at best - and it takes her days or weeks to realize what most people can just know in nano-second timing... .I know she "tries" to be a good person... .She truly is a good woman at her core... .she is simply disordered.  And that is what breaks my heart  - because I do know the real "her"... .and I know the disordered other side... .

I just feel she has been robbed in life from being normal... .and as a result I have been robbed of the woman I deeply love - who does love me... .sigh

[fromheeltoheal]

It's helpful to remember that a BPD does what they do not because they are mean or cruel, of course they might be, but that is not a trait of the disorder, they are not sociopaths, and when the relationship is bad, they feel bad, and they very much want to be loved and have connection, their understanding of it anyway.  We, and I am like you bauers, go into a relationship looking for the good in people, a healthy thing to do, the BPD sees good in us and mirrors it back to us, so what we see is our favorite kind of good, our own, we like what we see, and off to the races we go.  And then at some point we expect the BPD to stop mirroring and clinging and be a self-sufficient individual in a partnership, which they aren't capable of, they see the lack of the mirroring working as failure, blame themselves, and project that blame on us, which appears mean, but is survival-based for them.  Of course we are all responsible for our actions, but we would need to expect the same level of accountability from a BPD as we do a child, since that's where the disorder leaves them developmentally.

I didn't know I had begun a relationship with a mentally ill person, and me forging ahead with a bunch of naivety and denial caused me to overlook many unacceptable actions, which as we know results in major pain.  I'm choosing to believe that water finds it's own level, I needed those lessons and the resulting growth, so I can go into the next relationship wiser, more mature and more aware, to create something with a much higher water level.

[bpdspell]

I didn't know I had begun a relationship with a mentally ill person, and me forging ahead with a bunch of naivety and denial caused me to overlook many unacceptable actions, which as we know results in major pain.  I'm choosing to believe that water finds it's own level, I needed those lessons and the resulting growth, so I can go into the next relationship wiser, more mature and more aware, to create something with a much higher water level.

Spot on.

For me it was the realization that I had been groomed from childhood to put the needs of others before my own that set the stage for the apex of abuse that comes with being involved with a mentally ill person. My mother did not treat me we'll as a child. She was only pleased when things went her way and when she was in control. This was my lifelong blueprint.

I too like being kind and compassionate to others. But self- sacrifice was the lane that I chose for survival. What I was lacking was self-love, self value and self respect in a way that taught people how to treat me.  It was a major reason why my ex was able to steamroll my boundaries with the greatest of ease.

The hardest lesson I learned was that I was willing to give to others what I couldn't even give to myself and I desperately needed to get to the root of why. I thought I could fix, adjust and model to my ex how to love me when that is humanly impossible.

On a side note I think it helps to not idealize our exes as well. Their disorder is the REAL them and it is ingrained in their character. BPD is not the common cold that shows up just when things are going good. It was always there; in their hearts and in their minds waiting to be triggered by damn near anything that requires reciprocity on their part.

It's our blind spots that cause us to engage with a person who truly hates themselves.

Spell

[fromheeltoheal]

I didn't know I had begun a relationship with a mentally ill person, and me forging ahead with a bunch of naivety and denial caused me to overlook many unacceptable actions, which as we know results in major pain.  I'm choosing to believe that water finds it's own level, I needed those lessons and the resulting growth, so I can go into the next relationship wiser, more mature and more aware, to create something with a much higher water level.

Spot on.

For me it was the realization that I had been groomed from childhood to put the needs of others before my own that set the stage for the apex of abuse that comes with being involved with a mentally ill person. My mother did not treat me we'll as a child. She was only pleased when things went her way and when she was in control. This was my lifelong blueprint.

I too like being kind and compassionate to others. But self- sacrifice was the lane that I chose for survival. What I was lacking was self-love, self value and self respect in a way that taught people how to treat me.  It was a major reason why my ex was able to steamroll my boundaries with the greatest of ease.

The hardest lesson I learned was that I was willing to give to others what I couldn't even give to myself and I desperately needed to get to the root of why. I thought I could fix, adjust and model to my ex how to love me when that is humanly impossible.

On a side note I think it helps to not idealize our exes as well. Their disorder is the REAL them and it is ingrained in their character. BPD is not the common cold that shows up just when things are going good. It was always there; in their hearts and in their minds waiting to be triggered by damn near anything that requires reciprocity on their part.

It's our blind spots that cause us to engage with a person who truly hates themselves.

Spell

Yes.  I agree with all of that Spell, and I've had a similar view of myself and the world.  Moving forward I like simple solutions, and what has helped me as I've detached is simply focusing on my needs.  What do I want?  Profound since I never made that the priority, or I did in a backhanded way, figuring if I gave enough I would get, plus I get to play martyr for giving so much; classic people pleaser.  Well what do I want?  And then it's been about focusing on healthy boundaries, showing vulnerability to folks who have earned the right, letting fly, and asking for what I want and need.  It's a brand new world.

[rags_and_feathers]

There is A LOT of wisdom in this thread.  Thank you all for posting these replies!

[crazytrain2]

I think our compassion for people in general is a wonderful virtue, in our particular cases... our interactions with these people it is also a vice.

I grapple a little with understanding that one of the reasons I've so many close friends, or have gotten this far in life is because I have been a little naive and "not jaded".  Most people see that as a breath of fresh air.  We see through sickness, maybe one of our lessons is to keep doing that but then recognizing just how close to let people in.  After all, if we have to continually step into their shoes to gain understanding... .and I mean sit there and think about it (which many of us are naturals so it should be effortless), then there is something unsafe about the situation.

Got to be a mid point between bitter and jaded and the lions lunch.

I guess this is about recalibration.  Dang, I wish I could remember what member was talking about co dependency issues and said, life was giving her little nudges that perhaps the whole putting other people first wasn't a good thing and when she wasn't quite getting it... .life pulled out the big guns with her BPD partner.

As if to say, "OK, do you "Get it" NOW?  Tought pill to swallow that one of our greatest vitures can become one of our biggest vices.

[fromheeltoheal]

As if to say, "OK, do you "Get it" NOW?  Tought pill to swallow that one of our greatest vitures can become one of our biggest vices.

I totaly agree that she showed up because it was time for the advanced lesson crazytrain.  Although I think becoming jaded is only one of the options, albeit a popular one.  For me I can be the kindhearted person I am, and the death of my naivety comes from the addition of strong, healthy boundaries, to protect that heart from folks who haven't earned the right to it.  All new, but the path feels right.

[DragoN]

BPDspell

Their disorder is the REAL them and it is ingrained in their character. BPD is not the common cold that shows up just when things are going good. It was always there; in their hearts and in their minds waiting to be triggered by damn near anything that requires reciprocity on their part.

It's our blind spots that cause us to engage with a person who truly hates themselves.

With the high functioning BPD/NPD, it can be really scary. My world was turned upside down and doubted what I was seeing and hearing.

Got to be a mid point between bitter and jaded and the lions lunch.

I guess this is about recalibration.  Dang, I wish I could remember what member was talking about co dependency issues and said, life was giving her little nudges that perhaps the whole putting other people first wasn't a good thing and when she wasn't quite getting it... .life pulled out the big guns with her BPD partner.

As if to say, "OK, do you "Get it" NOW? Tought pill to swallow that one of our greatest vitures can become one of our biggest vices.

Life has a habit of breaking my back when I don't get the lesson the first time. As a result, I try to pay more attention in class. Still jaded though.

Really hate this disorder. Over the years my walls have become so thick to deal with the chaos that I lost touch with my own feelings.

[Ironmanrises]

Having to admit that I was wronged... .abused even... .is so hard for me.  I am a light worker - an energy healer trained to see the BEST in people... .see that people are where they are at and to love them... .regardless of what they are going through.  However - this also set me up to be abused I feel - because for such a long time I looked for "lessons" in each challenge - looked at myself and not her which was good - to find what was being triggered in me.  But when she for the last and final time - begged for my return - with all her confessions of love... .then proceeded to ignore me for 6 days - 6 DAYS - only replying if I reached out - and coldly at that - I saw the disorder... .I felt defeated.  There was no spiritual lesson here... .This was mean... .it was abusive and I felt... .defeated!  Gone are my hopes of every being with her for real... .gone is the idea that we would both grow through our insecurities and past wounds to be healthy... .This was NOT me... .I was loving... .I was kind - I remained attentive... .I did all that you do in a relationship... .and she was cold.

When she contacts again and she will... .I just have nothing anymore.  I have pain, tears... .wounds and scars - all with her name on it.  What in the world did I do to myself?

In bold.

... .you will know... .

This time... .

That to take her back again... .

Will only leave you... .

With more pain... .

More tears... .

More wounds... .

More scars.

You loved a person... .

With a disorder.

A disorder... .

That destroys... .

Those... .

Whom get closest... .

To them.

Hang in there.

I know how much it hurts.

[bauers220]

I cannot thank everyone enough 

There is so much in this thread - I plan to go back and read again - keeping boundaries is new for me and came with guilt... .ahhh another "issue" I think entirely.

[Learning_curve74]

On a side note I think it helps to not idealize our exes as well. Their disorder is the REAL them and it is ingrained in their character. BPD is not the common cold that shows up just when things are going good. It was always there; in their hearts and in their minds waiting to be triggered by damn near anything that requires reciprocity on their part.

It's our blind spots that cause us to engage with a person who truly hates themselves.

I feel this point Spell made is important for us here on the leaving board to reach acceptance and closure, which are two separate things in my mind. To digress a bit, to me acceptance is acknowledging and seeing clearly our situations without judgement, saying this is the way it is. Then maybe closure is deciding what we are going to do, doing that, and being at peace with it. I feel like I've reached acceptance but not yet closure since I've chosen and done what I decided yet am not 100% at peace yet.

But yeah... ."everything" is the "real" them. The loving and caring things as well as the crazy making things. Sometimes on the board we label and go way too far to one side or the other: our pwBPD is a sweet person with an illness OR our pwBPD is a mean person who manipulates. I'm not sure either one of these black and white viewpoints is true, truth is probably more a grey inbetween.

Maybe our painting them black helps with initial detachment, but I have doubts that it is truly healthy to continue feeling and thinking that way.

[fromheeltoheal]

But yeah... ."everything" is the "real" them. The loving and caring things as well as the crazy making things. Sometimes on the board we label and go way too far to one side or the other: our pwBPD is a sweet person with an illness OR our pwBPD is a mean person who manipulates.

I say a disordered person could have been a sweet person, but things that happened and the subsequent decisions they made about themselves and the world at a very young age have become concrete parts of their personality, after years and years of solidification.  I could see that sweet person in my borderline, she was still in there and peeked out between rages, and I had the denial and naivety, or maybe just the arrogance, to think I could 'fix' her and off we'd ride into the sunset.  That fish was way too big to fry.

[Ironmanrises]

But yeah... ."everything" is the "real" them. The loving and caring things as well as the crazy making things. Sometimes on the board we label and go way too far to one side or the other: our pwBPD is a sweet person with an illness OR our pwBPD is a mean person who manipulates.

I say a disordered person could have been a sweet person, but things that happened and the subsequent decisions they made about themselves and the world at a very young age have become concrete parts of their personality, after years and years of solidification.  I could see that sweet person in my borderline, she was still in there and peeked out between rages, and I had the denial and naivety, or maybe just the arrogance, to think I could 'fix' her and off we'd ride into the sunset. That fish was way too big to fry.

In bold.

I thought the same too.

This was the price... .

For my naivety... .

For my arrogance... .

A price... .

I wish... .

Not to pay again.