Weary of BPD drama in family, and done overestimating my ability to handle it...

[Winchymum]

Have been riding the roller coaster of family members (my only sister and 67 year old father) who both exhibit classic BPD moods/behaviors/splitting/rage for decades, and I am mentally exhausted... .needless to say my dad and sister are like oil and water and are incredibly volatile in each other's presence... .

I've done my homework on the disorder and have a pretty clear understanding of what's going on and how I should behave when confronted by their less than pleasant behaviors (which I find impossible to do at times, and am tired of having to always check my own feelings/opinions at the door in order to accommodate theirs), but my mother enables them both out of fear of losing contact with my sister's son (who I fear greatly for since he is being raise in such an anguish filled environment), as well as to keep them both from going over the edge any further than they already are, and for fear of her marriage ending (regardless of how miserable it is, which is truly mind boggling to me, seeing that in her 60's now, she has hopefully 20+ more years of life ahead of her)... .she wont admit it, but she then puts the pressure on me to "be the sane one", to not make a situation worse by simply biting my tongue, tolerating whatever they say or do, "turning the other cheek", and I am just so tired of it, as is my husband.  My sister had "disowned" me countless times over our lifetimes, de-friends me on Facebook, calls by phone to describe her latest crisis only to hang up the phone in fury when I say something she doesn't want to hear, rages at me then gives me the silent treatment for weeks on end... .other than trying to stay connected with her son for my children's sake, I don't see much value in trying to maintain a relationship with her.

Twice in the last four months I have had to literally "escape" the drama by leaving family visits/vacations much early than originally planned since my own young children are being exposed to far too much of it.  I guess that's where I have subconsciously drawn the line in the sand.  At the same time, I do not want my children to see my running away from conflict as a behavior they should adopt when confronted by challenges in their own personal lives, and I don't know how to reverse what they have already witnessed.

I'm looking a support group in the Boston, Massachusetts area that might help me figure out how to be around these family members, without my children suffering the same way I have for the last 30+ years.  Any suggestions?

[peaceplease]

Winchymum,

  I am glad that you found us here at BPD family.  I am sorry for the circumstances that you are dealing with your family.  You have been dealing with your sister and your dad together with BPD.  I can understand you being concerned about your children.

You mentioned that you have read about BPD and are well informed of the disorder.  What about other family members?  What is their knowledge of BPD?

We have many articles, videos, and workshops on BPD.  There are some great links for validation, and communicating with the person with BPD.  I think that you will find great support on the board :   Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw.

You will find there are many parallels among members stories.  You will find great support from others on this site. 

Let us know if you need help finding anything.  Again, Welcome!

peaceplease

[Winchymum]

My mom is the primary person who needs a better grip of what we are both dealing with within our family, but she's so resistant, just wants everyone to get along, and buries her head in the sand... .I've shared "Stop Walking on Eggshells" with her years ago, but I don't think she fully acknowledges the reality of their disorders... .she easily gets swept up in the "good times", (no matter how few and far between or how awful the bad times really can be), and clings to those... .she deserves more happiness in her life, but has no skills or confidence re: how to attain it... .I'll be sending her some fresh info, link to this website and these boards, so maybe I can make some progress with her, but she tends to just wish it would all go away and just let herself be a doormat... .

When talking about my sister's issues with my father years ago and sharing the list of common behaviors/symptoms of BPD with him, he actually admitted he sees a lot of himself in the list, but that's as far as his epiphany has ever gone... .he has the attitude that at 67 years old, no one is gonna change anything about him, nor should he have to... .maddening to say the least... .