Responding to accusations regarding nonverbal cues

[daylily]

I've read a lot here and in books about how people with BPD have heightened sensitivity to the feelings of others, such that they can read nonverbal cues and vocal tones better than the average person.  (This seems to be a complete contradiction given the fact that they lack empathy, but I digress.) 

My uBPDh frequently reads the tone of my voice or my nonverbal cues, and to the extent they seem inconsistent with what I'm saying, he gets angry.  Sometimes he's flat out wrong - e.g., I cross my arms over my stomach when we're in an argument because I'm in self-protection mode, but he sees it as being aggressive.  But many times, he's correct.  For example, a few nights ago, he told me that he had fed the kids noodles with butter for dinner.  I said "okay," or something like that.  He could tell from my tone (even though I didn't think my tone was any different) that I didn't think that was okay.  He said angrily, "There's that tone again.  You think I should have given them something more nutritious."  Truthfully, he read me absolutely correct and knew what I was thinking, but I didn't want to get into it with him.  I'm trying to pick my battles these days, and it's been hard lately to get the kids to eat anything, so upon further reflection, it wasn't that big a deal.

How do I respond when he's got the nonverbals correct, but I just don't want to start a conflict?  I suppose I could lie and tell him that he's got the nonverbals wrong, but that doesn't seem appropriate.

  Daylily

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[AnitaL]

Hi Daylily  ,

I have an issue with this too sometimes.  What I try to do if he calls me on it is to admit that in my mind the response wasn't a simple "okay", but that I said that to him to try to be better at staying positive and not criticizing.   For example, you might say to him: "Yes, you're right -- I was actually thinking that the kids probably should have something more nutritious.  But then I realized that it has been tough to get them to eat much lately, so I didn't think that would be fair to bring up."  It's not an apology or a defense, just an honest explanation that transforms the accusation into something more positive.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Daylily  ,

I have an issue with this too sometimes.  What I try to do if he calls me on it is to admit that in my mind the response wasn't a simple "okay", but that I said that to him to try to be better at staying positive and not criticizing.   For example, you might say to him: "Yes, you're right -- I was actually thinking that the kids probably should have something more nutritious.  But then I realized that it has been tough to get them to eat much lately, so I didn't think that would be fair to bring up."  It's not an apology or a defense, just an honest explanation that transforms the accusation into something more positive.

[Chosen]

   That's a hard one, and I get that too.  And it's worse when they are correct about what we're thinking, even though they may not know the whole picture.

I love AnitaL's suggested response.  First of all, lying will NOT work.  As you said, they are hypersensitive to our emotions.  Unless they are just making up stuff to accuse you (my H does that sometimes, will say that I hate him or whatever), most likely they "accuse" you of something because they picked up on some cues, verbal or not.  So you can admit to the part that he's correct about, but don't dwell on that, and admit that yes, for a moment you didn't agree with his decision, but then you thought it wasn't so bad, so that's why you didn't speak up.

In bad days, this may start a fight, I know.  However, there is also a chance that they will learn that when people disagree with their views, it's ok, because other people don't necessarily go out and attack them, or look down on them.  Basically, it's you teaching by example of how you can turn some "issue" into a non-issue, and hopefully in time he may react in a less dramatic way.

It may work slowly but it does work.  I think my H is reacting a lot less dramatically in his good days now.