One giant step for a man

[overcomer]

Hello Everyone,

This is my first time posting on the Leaving board since I've been hanging out on the Undecided board for a few years now.  Last Thursday I finally made the decision to leave my uBPDw.  The night before we had an intense discussion and she suggested that I move out.  It was much more than that (you know what BPD discussions are like) but that's the main point.  She said some pretty mean things and it was at that point as was laying in bed I said to myself "This is the last night I will ever sleep in this house."  The next day at work I had an extremely stressful morning but had the afternoon free.  After fulfilling my work obligations I took the the afternoon and next day off to make my exit.  I went home and packed a few of my things and left for a nearby city for a respite.  On the way I called my bank and requested a loan to purchase an RV trailer which came through and the funds were put into my account.  After looking around I was able to buy a 36' trailer that seems much like an apartment.  It's now my sanctuary of peace.  Time after time everything fell into place without effort and I thank God that he helped me through this.  I informed my wife on my way to the city that I was moving out and I would talk to her on Sunday.  She of course responded with numerous questions but I sent no reply.  It felt good to have control in the situation.

Right now I'm living in my RV but I go to my home in the evenings to have dinner and hang out with my kids.  She's hoping we can work it out but I haven't  told her yet that I'm not coming back but moving on with my life.  I'm trying to ease my way out of the situation one small step at a time.  Anyone have any advice on what to expect the next few weeks/months?

[GreenMango]

You are right that is a big step. You sound resolved and are making decisions to help yourself.  That's good.

I'd expect things to get emotional - for both of you.  You might question yourself.  She might do some wacky stuff.  Slow down and take it one day at a time.  Try not to get caught up in any of her conflicts and be kind to yourself.  You might have some hard times roll up too - that's normal.  Keep posting many members have been in your shoes.

Have you posted on the legal board yet? And the parenting board?

[Waifed]

Hello Everyone,

This is my first time posting on the Leaving board since I've been hanging out on the Undecided board for a few years now.  Last Thursday I finally made the decision to leave my uBPDw.  The night before we had an intense discussion and she suggested that I move out.  It was much more than that (you know what BPD discussions are like) but that's the main point.  She said some pretty mean things and it was at that point as was laying in bed I said to myself "This is the last night I will ever sleep in this house."  The next day at work I had an extremely stressful morning but had the afternoon free.  After fulfilling my work obligations I took the the afternoon and next day off to make my exit.  I went home and packed a few of my things and left for a nearby city for a respite.  On the way I called my bank and requested a loan to purchase an RV trailer which came through and the funds were put into my account.  After looking around I was able to buy a 36' trailer that seems much like an apartment.  It's now my sanctuary of peace.  Time after time everything fell into place without effort and I thank God that he helped me through this.  I informed my wife on my way to the city that I was moving out and I would talk to her on Sunday.  She of course responded with numerous questions but I sent no reply.  It felt good to have control in the situation.

Right now I'm living in my RV but I go to my home in the evenings to have dinner and hang out with my kids.  She's hoping we can work it out but I haven't  told her yet that I'm not coming back but moving on with my life.  I'm trying to ease my way out of the situation one small step at a time.  Anyone have any advice on what to expect the next few weeks/months?

Check out the legal section. I think it has tips on what to do and what to expect. I would recommend not being alone with her once she becomes aware that you are leaving. Many BPD's have been known to accuse their non's of abuse when they lose control of a relationship.

[Fish]

Anyone have any advice on what to expect the next few weeks/months?

What you can count on is that your kids will become increasingly curious and confused over why you no longer live there with them. Better have a plan for that and how to keep them whole because what you have done so far is the easy part.

[overcomer]

Thanks everyone for your encouragement and advice.  It's coming up on two weeks now since I left.  I still feel great and things are going relatively well.  My uBPDw is very high-functioning and a very spiritual person.  She seems to be doing better then ever now that I am out of the picture.  When I initially left she asked me many times in the next week about what the plan was and when I was coming back etc.  I simply stated I didn't know what the plan was and would discuss this further in the future.  At that point after 20yrs of BPD-type discussion I couldn't take any more.

My S16 and D14 are still in the house and are old enough to have observed her behavior.  They were initially sad but seem to be doing good for the circumstances.  I still go to the house and spend time with them as I did in the past so not much has changed for them except I don't sleep there at night.  My other daughter (D19) can also the brunt of my wife's attacks so she's definitely supportive of my actions.

I'm aware that she's on a good cycle right now and probably because she's hoping to win me back.  The "sweet and nice" response is something I expected so it didn't fool me into thinking she had changed.  She does appear to be working on herself and readily admits she has mistreated me and I deserve better.  She's painting me white at this moment but I know that it would only take an action to be painted black.  I've seen little hints of her impatience and know that sooner or later disregulation will begin.

At this point I know in my heart that I'm not going back.  I know I will be receiving lots of pressure to return and work things out but I'm moving on with my life.  It's important that I weather the initial storm and keep my eye focused on the light at the end of the tunnel.  In a week or so I'm going to let her know that I'm not coming back.  Sometime in mid-November I may begin the divorce process.  Thanks for recommending the legal section.  I will check that out.

Other than that, things are going very good.  I am at peace.  I have a quiet place to exist and I take steps to restore my identity.

Thanks everyone!

[lockedout]

You're on the right path, but I would only change one thing: make plans to see your kids at your own location. If they're cool with the camp trailer (they seem to be handling everything else quite well), but going back regularly keeps it from being a complete separation.

[overcomer]

Thanks lockedout for those words.  I'm hoping in the very near future to start having my children over for dinner maybe twice a week.  Yesterday I told my uBPDw that I wasn't coming back and was preparing to move on with the next phase of my life.  We started discussing who was going to pay for the different bills.  She wanted me to take on more of the bills (even though she makes more substantially more money than me).  I'm now paying rent of $560 while she lives rent free (our home is rent free) so she's coming out way ahead.  Kind of frustrating for me but peace is worth it.

When I told her I wasn't coming back she said she kind of already knew that in her heart.  She knew once I left I wouldn't be back and she was sorry she drove me away.  She stated she feels much more at peace and wishes me the best.  Obviously I'm being painted white so I guess I should enjoy while it lasts. 

[lockedout]

Don't let your guard down. Her well-wishing could just be manipulation (like she's never accused you of manipulation... .) to see if you take the bait. She may get lonely and want you to come over for dinner or she may change the locks on the house.

Don't sweat the bills too much; handle it another day. Work on number one for a while. You have faith the God is getting you through this and your are seeing the peace (GOOD!) but you still have a long road ahead of you. Once the initial relief wears off and you're ready to want to move on. You'll come to realize that you are institutionalized and it will likely hold you back for a while until you figure out what changes need to be made so that you can move on.

For now, you need to start look back at who you were and where you were before you lost yourself. Reconnecting with old friends and picking up old activities that you lost interest in over the years are big ones. Lat week I went out for breakfast at a place that she banished because it was "too expensive" (as opposed to her frequent shopping sprees and all-nighters on weeknights)  then came home and read the Sunday paper (another thing I was barred from doing) and took a snooze on the couch. If you can afford it and get the time off, take a vacation. Somewhere you never went with her and make sure you avoid like the plague any activities that were her thing that you had to go along with. Little things. They add up, it's just a matter of figuring them out again.

A note on dating: It can be a double edged sword. I've met my share of dysfunctional women and even some that made me forget everything I'd learned since I was 13 - they brought the insecurities right out of the woodwork. Through dating (so far) I've also made some friends, been made aware of my faults, been inspired to confront them in a positive way, and may have already met a potential life partner. The golden rule is to learn to love and forgive yourself again or you will end right back up again with another BPDer.

[overcomer]

Thank you lockedout!  Your words have great meaning for me and remind me that there is much work to do.  I feel good about the future but apprehensive about starting the whole divorce process.  I have started doing the things that I couldn't do before and it is so refreshing.  I still feel tense somewhat when I'm around her but I sense that she is relieved that I'm gone as I am to be gone. 

I will not let my guard down around her no matter what she does or says.  She knows I'm done now and hopefully has come to a place of acceptance with this.  I haven't yet discussed with her about starting the divorce process but I  simply waiting for the right time.  I don't want to seem like I'm rushing anything but I want to be free from this person emotionally, mentally, physically, and legally. 

[lockedout]

Get this book before initiating any divorce proceedings: It's essential

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy LCSW

[frustrated b/f]

Good luck man! You made a big first step towards a difficult but fulfilling journey.

I remember having decided to move out before telling my uBPD ex g/f. I had to pack my things when she was not around in fear of the reaction it would provoke once seen packing.

I know that feeling. Do what you have to do!

[RecycledNoMore]

Far out overcomer! Well done, I know that feeling of Enough is enough, I agree with the others, keep your guard up,shes likely to crack anytime, and then your really in for it! Take pride in your achievements thus far, revel in the knowledge that your choosing a healthy future for you and your kids, you must know in your heart that this is the right thing to do, you seem very determined an I applaud you.Im sure this will not be easy, look at all of us in here, varying degrees of struggle  , but as I keep telling myself, theres gotta be more to life than the crazy train of BPD... .and there is, just have to make it through the quagmire of detachment first.

You/ me/ all of us, WE can do this.

[overcomer]

Thanks everyone for your support!  It feels great to not be alone during this time.  On Thursday it will be three weeks out for me.  That doesn't seem like that long in the grand view of things but it's been a great three weeks.  I've slowly weaned her off daily phone calls or going up to the old house on a daily basis for dinner.  We talk very little and when we do it's mostly about logistics for the kids or bills.  I'm planning on having any of the current bills in my name changed to hers and simply giving her a monthly check so I can track my monthly support.  I'm sure eventually I will turn over my key but I have a few more things to get.  I have a garage full of tools and equipment so I need to get that eventually. 

I did pick up the Splitting book last week and have been working my way through that.  Good material but I'm hoping that I won't have to go through all of that.  I think both of us were ready to move on and I notice she's getting attention from other guys.  She likes that so maybe that will keep her distracted enough to help me get through this process as painlessly as possible.  That might be naïve on my part but one can hope.   Thanks everyone!

[lockedout]

Make sure your read Splitting thoroughly; a lot of it is simply about preventing problems. I't amazing how people who are separating from healthy people get jealous or heartbroken when the one who scorned them finds another. We can't wait. Mine has lightened up A LOT since she started seeing someone.