I did it tonight. After hearing "our song" last Sunday I have just been so sad and weepy. The song has stayed in my head, lodged like a splinter. Making me ruminate and wonder... .
What did I see? I saw there was someone else's car in his driveway, along with his. I didn't recognize it. I caught myself wanting to make up some story to go with the car, but I'm really consciously not going there. I know NOTHING about his life at this point, and that's great. The only things I "know" at this point are things that are carry-overs from the time we were together. For example, I saw that he still doesn't have the siding on the side of the house that I was encouraging him to take care of over 2 years ago. There was some big liability about insurance and lack of siding on the house. My daughter drove by the house last time she was in town and said that it looked like a New Year's resolution. He is still not able to complete a task or manage a project. It felt brave of me to drive by there, although I pulled the hood of my jacket up over my head, just in case. I have been known to get bravery and stupidity mixed up in the past.
I came home to my quiet home and made healthy choices for myself and I'm settling in for the evening. I'm glad I am taking the time to heal from the relationship with my uBPDexbf. I don't know that I am date-worthy yet, but I do have the goal of being in a healthy happy long-term relationship. I look forward to the time when I can move to a new community and start exploring the social scene
without having such a crappy cynical attitude about the socially accepted bad behaviors that accompany living in a community fueled by alcohol. (There are many craft breweries in my neck of the woods). I know there is bad behavior all over, in every corner of the globe, so I am hopefully gathering the tools I will need to build a healthy relationship with a healthy person in my healthy happy future.
I love the candor that people have on this site. It makes you feel not crazy. I drove by the house of the woman he left me for because he told me that I was crazy when I suspected so I had to know for sure. She saw me drive by and by her reaction flipping around I knew she knew about me and what kind of car I drove. I was at the point that I didn't care though. Then did the whole hoodie thing and sunglasses . Probably drove by about 4 times till finally. Bingo! His truck in the driveway. Some might call that an obsessed ex. I say it is survival and information gathering so I never let him come back again.
I am of the mind from last experience that early on as long as it isn't hurting anyone there are things that may seem strange that are needed for healing . I had to see it for myself to get it in my head what he was all about. Otherwise I might continue to glamorize him in my head.
I absolutely love your statement that sometimes you mix up bravery and stupidity. I may just steal that from you.
