Dysregulation and indirect threats from ex

[motherof1yearold]

(Currently at 50/50 custody with 2 yr old DD)

So my ex has been extremely nice the last few weeks, of course because he wanted something. He had been begging to take DD2 , to a halloween festival. The festival fell on my parenting time. There are several reasons I chose to say no... .1. I've given him several days where I allowed him to take DD to events on my parenting time, he never reciprocated . 2. He didn't allow me to take her for a few hours to see her great great grandmother on her 96th birthday (who is dying and only wished to see DD) 3. He just uses and abuses as he pleases... .only cares about his wishes.

When I was talking to him and explaining *why* I said no, he made me feel like I was being spiteful about the birthday thing- thus where the indirect threats started. As soon as he found out he wasn't getting his way, the dysregulation started. The spewing started. Made me realize all over again that he is only nice when he wants something, only nice when he HAS to be to get something he desires, and it made me sick... .

Some of his texts " Ur sick! Tell DD u dont want anything special for her and that ur hateful and need help."

"You got something coming to u. I hope u dont believe me cause when it hits and doesn't stop , it'll be all the more unbearable. Bad and evil WILL keep coming to ya.Dont ever even say my name. Good luck"

"Lets give u mother of the year medal. Oh wait, I can't even call you a mother. How about you pour another drink and have DD not do something special with her father tonight. Just dont forget this cause I never will!"

I sent only one response to all these texts which was this " Is that a threat?"

His response : " Nope. I hope nothing does happen because my daughter might be near u when you get what's yours. I love her more than I hate u.So dont drag her down with you, you mental patient.Do me a favor, dont talk to me unless I need to pick up DD on one of YOUR days. Dont say my name, most importantly, don't ruin my daughters life anymore than you already have. I'm so glad I divorced you. SO glad I don't have to wake up next to you. Bye. Blocked."

He then tells me he blocked my number... .


We nons could literally play a game and take a shot for every time he projected in those texts ! ( )

Anyway, now I'm guessing he will 'punish me' for this. What really bothers me, is why the hell do I actually FEEL BAD for not letting her go? I know he didn't feel bad any time that I asked to do something special on his time... .I've went out of my way several times, basically extending an olive branch but he just takes , takes , takes and never gives back. If he had ever reciprocated, even once, I would have let him take her. If I were actually co parenting with a mentally healthy person, we would be able to make exceptions like that and cooperate for the well being of the child - but I'm not. He only cares about power and control .


Do you guys think I handled this well? I mean, I can't really just always let him get what he wants, right?

[Baylor218]

I had many similar experiences. For me, not getting sucked in to an argument I can never win works best.  I try and act like my kids are hearing or reading every word and ask how would they judge me.  I know it's very unfair but You will probably give a lot more then you get.  Best of luck to you

[DreamGirl]

So there's this common idea around here. Detachment leads to Freedom.

MO1YO, my advice for you:  Don't get caught up in the drama and don't be attached to what he does.

You are right that in a decent coparenting relationship between two adults, who recognize that they simply couldn't make their marriage work, would be cordial and "extra" time sharing of the children would be reciprocal. It would be focused on what was best for the child and when there was courtesy given to the other parent - the favor would be returned.

That doesn't always happen. A personality disorder can make that kind of expectation pretty bleak.

You can not expect him to be something he is not. He has shown you a hundred times over that having a mutual respectful coparenting relationship is simply not possible.

Two solutions that I have for you:

1.) Stick to the court order

100% of the time. Don't ask for extra time and do not accomodate it when he asks. Plan every single thing you do on your own time and if something special arises (like Grandma's Birthday), know that you can not ask for your daughter to able to attend.

State the limit, not as a punishment but as a hope to reduce conflict:

DON'T: "You don't give me extra time, so I'm not giving it to you either!"

DO: "This arguing back and forth over extra time is not good for our daughter. I think that we need to stick to the court ordered parenting time for the time being. I won't make any requests while she is on your time and I won't accomodate any requests you may have on my time. Hopefully this can be revisited in the future, but for now I do think it's best in order to reduce the conflict we have surrounding the issue."

(If he responds with his standard "you suck" nonsense? Just don't respond. You've set the boundary.)

2.) Don't live your life based on him

Hypocrisy tends to be ever present in your situation having a lot to do with a certain kind of entitlement to what it is that he thinks he deserves. I'm not disparaging the father of your child here, but from what I've read he believes that any and all requests should be granted simply because he asks. There is no reasoning in that. There is not explaining how quid pro quo works (you do for me, I do for you). There is not bringing him to level where he understands the err in his ways.

You accept him for who he is.

And you don't attach to it. You expect that he will say "no" just to be a jerk, but you ask anyways in hopes that he'll have something else to do that weekend.

And then when he asks you for extra time, you base your decision solely on the best interest of your daughter. Aunt Gertrude is in town from out of state? Sure he can have her for the weekend! There's a Halloween Festival that he'd really like to take her to - and you didn't have any plans anyways? Absolutely - have fun but please have her home by 6:00pm! He really misses her and is so lost without her this weekend but you have tickets to the Ice Capades? I'm so sorry, this weekend just doesn't work for me, we already had plans.





My husband did the first solution for two years post divorce. They both needed time to just get over their "stuff" - their hate was mutual. At some point my husband was willing to lay down the torch of conflict - she followed his lead.

They now live in scenario two. There rarely is a time where extra time is not granted by either one.

~DreamGirl

[Free One]

What really bothers me, is why the hell do I actually FEEL BAD for not letting her go?


Do you guys think I handled this well? I mean, I can't really just always let him get what he wants, right?

I think you feel bad because you have been conditioned to feel bad when you stand up to him. It takes time to get over that.

You have every right to say no to requests during your parenting time. Don't feel bad about that.

The only thing I might do differently next time, is don't try to explain "why". Just stick with, "No" or "No, that doesn't work with my plans." Trying to reason and explain will only add fuel to the fire. It's an argument you can't "win".

[ForeverDad]

Think of these deviations from the parenting time as his entitled version of trades.  What he is wanting are one-sided trades where he gets extra time and you of course get denied, snubbed or more likely vilified.

Maybe you can counteroffer with a written and signed agreement or trade of specific parenting time.  I doubt it would work with him behaving as he has, but it might be worth a try.

Minimum trade terms

• Written agreement



• Signed copy for each parent



• Specific details - date, time, length, where, return, etc



• Best if you get your time first, failure is then less likely
  
  For example, if he asks far enough in advance then ask for your own comparable time sooner



• Simpler is better, less to go wrong



• Anticipate sabotage, punishment, guilting, etc

I don't know how much weight your courts give to failed trades, whether they qualify as basis for Contempt of Court, but if they're written and signed, then it might be deemed more binding than just texts or verbal agreements.

This should be a possible improvement to the practical alternatives mentioned by DreamGirl.  However, it may not help you much when YOU want something and he decides to block.  You might be limited to the times when he wants something, then you could state, "only if we put it in writing as a trade of parenting time for the specified terms, you get this and I get that, then we sign it."  I'm not saying it will work, but it might feel and be better than just giving in to his demands for valid events while you are always denied.

[motherof1yearold]

Now ex has blocked my number and refuses to speak with me about parenting issues... .this is a direct violation of our parenting plan.

I have no idea how to take any action on that though. Thoughts?

[momtara]

He seems to do a lot of crappy things that you can't do anything about.  Have you taken any of these matters to court?  Do they just not care?

[Free One]

Now ex has blocked my number and refuses to speak with me about parenting issues... .this is a direct violation of our parenting plan.

I have no idea how to take any action on that though. Thoughts?

I don't know anything about parenting coordinators, but is that an option for you?

You can file contempt charges. First contact him via email or certified mail stating he is violating court order from XYZ date and what part you are asking him to comply with. Then say if he doesn't comply by X date, you will file contempt charges.

Sucky thing is it will cost you money.

[motherof1yearold]

Now ex has blocked my number and refuses to speak with me about parenting issues... .this is a direct violation of our parenting plan.

I have no idea how to take any action on that though. Thoughts?

I don't know anything about parenting coordinators, but is that an option for you?

You can file contempt charges. First contact him via email or certified mail stating he is violating court order from XYZ date and what part you are asking him to comply with. Then say if he doesn't comply by X date, you will file contempt charges.

Sucky thing is it will cost you money.

I have no money, literally. I don't even have a job right now. Ex is loaded.

[momtara]

grrr, guess you'll have to find someone to go pro bono, or file your own motion, or ... .hmm... .