Financial situation is bringing things to a head

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My uBPD sister (the youngest of three girls) is 51 years old and has been financially dependent on my parents for over 5 years. My parents are 87 and 90 and two years ago moved into independent living at a retirement community. My parents provide rent and a weekly stipend for my sister. This set up was created in order to help my sister get back on her feet as she had lost her job as a dog walker when the recession hit in 2008.

The move to a retirement community with graduated levels of care was necessary but also means that my parents monthly expenses are higher then they were when this arrangement with my sister was created. I am power of attorney (both general and healthcare). For the last year I've been having difficulty meeting my sister's stipend out of my parents joint checking account due to their increased expenses. I have routinely had to pay at least one week's stipend out of my Mom's personal account. This means that her personal account does not grow, nor am I able to set aside funds for any additional needs which may surface. If either parent had to move to assisted living or skilled nursing I would not be able to cover those expenses.

My middle sister and I have come to the realization that we are going to have to wean my youngest sister off of the stipend in order to protect my parents finances. We have planned a three month gradual withdrawal of funds that possibly can be stretched out to six months if nothing happens with my parents' healthcare to alter their expenses. We will try to continue to pay rent as long as possible. Naturally my youngest sister has been overwhelmed by this announcement.

In addition to her emotional issues from uBPD she also has a hiatal hernia, a polyp on her gall bladder and irritable bowel syndrome. These conditions are all aggravated by her emotional state and therefore she is sick much of the time. She is able to do lots of work in her yard and around the house but has had difficulty holding a job. Although she is sick she is not sick enough to be approved for disability. She has recently re-applied for disability and it is the three month wait for a decision that is adding to her panic at the moment.

I believe that if she were assessed by a mental health professional that she might well have sufficient cause to be eligible for disability. We have never discussed the possibility of mental illness with her as I've read that this isn't a good idea. I am going to my own therapist this week to discuss this and other issues.  I was just wondering if anyone else has ever been in a similar situation?

While I don't want to throw my sister out into the street I also need to protect the health and livelihood of my parents. They are my first priority. It is a gross understatement to say that my sister's emotional health is making this very difficult.

[cbhh]

My uBPD sister (the youngest of three girls) is 51 years old and has been financially dependent on my parents for over 5 years. My parents are 87 and 90 and two years ago moved into independent living at a retirement community. My parents provide rent and a weekly stipend for my sister. This set up was created in order to help my sister get back on her feet as she had lost her job as a dog walker when the recession hit in 2008.

The move to a retirement community with graduated levels of care was necessary but also means that my parents monthly expenses are higher then they were when this arrangement with my sister was created. I am power of attorney (both general and healthcare). For the last year I've been having difficulty meeting my sister's stipend out of my parents joint checking account due to their increased expenses. I have routinely had to pay at least one week's stipend out of my Mom's personal account. This means that her personal account does not grow, nor am I able to set aside funds for any additional needs which may surface. If either parent had to move to assisted living or skilled nursing I would not be able to cover those expenses.

My middle sister and I have come to the realization that we are going to have to wean my youngest sister off of the stipend in order to protect my parents finances. We have planned a three month gradual withdrawal of funds that possibly can be stretched out to six months if nothing happens with my parents' healthcare to alter their expenses. We will try to continue to pay rent as long as possible. Naturally my youngest sister has been overwhelmed by this announcement.

In addition to her emotional issues from uBPD she also has a hiatal hernia, a polyp on her gall bladder and irritable bowel syndrome. These conditions are all aggravated by her emotional state and therefore she is sick much of the time. She is able to do lots of work in her yard and around the house but has had difficulty holding a job. Although she is sick she is not sick enough to be approved for disability. She has recently re-applied for disability and it is the three month wait for a decision that is adding to her panic at the moment.

I believe that if she were assessed by a mental health professional that she might well have sufficient cause to be eligible for disability. We have never discussed the possibility of mental illness with her as I've read that this isn't a good idea. I am going to my own therapist this week to discuss this and other issues.  I was just wondering if anyone else has ever been in a similar situation?

While I don't want to throw my sister out into the street I also need to protect the health and livelihood of my parents. They are my first priority. It is a gross understatement to say that my sister's emotional health is making this very difficult.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi cbhh,

I think it's fairly common for finances to be an issue with aging parents, but when you throw BPD into the mix, that can complicate things further.

Do you think your sister would be open to getting help? What do you think would happen if you do wean your sister off of her stipend? Is she eligible for any other sort of assistance, like Medicaid? (I'm not sure what is available where you live)

What do your parents say about all of this? Would they be open to meeting with a financial advisor?

[cbhh]

In the past my sister has been unwilling to discuss therapy. When she was younger (20s) my Mom suggested she meet with a counselor that Mom and my other sister were seeing because of a situation with my Dad's drinking which was making life at home difficult. My younger sister went but didn't say a word the entire hour she was with the therapist. She claims to have sought the help of a therapist while she was in Chicago but this person put her on medication (I have no idea what) which she hated and she now views therapists as drug pushers and doesn't want anything to do with them.

I go to see my own therapist tomorrow and maybe she can give me some ideas on how to approach this. Mom and Dad are not really able to grasp their financial situation fully and rely on me, as the general power of attorney, to handle all their financial details. My middle sister and I may speak with a financial advisor but its pretty clear cut that there is no other way to increase my parents available cash other than to reduce this stipend. I don't believe there can be any legal pressure brought to bear on this. Its a very painful family matter.

My sister is presently not eligible for Medicaid although there will come a point as we continue to reduce her stipend where she will, if still unemployed be eligible for food stamps and possibly Medicaid.

[GeekyGirl]

Mom and Dad are not really able to grasp their financial situation fully and rely on me, as the general power of attorney, to handle all their financial details. My middle sister and I may speak with a financial advisor but its pretty clear cut that there is no other way to increase my parents available cash other than to reduce this stipend. I don't believe there can be any legal pressure brought to bear on this. Its a very painful family matter.

It is painful, and you're in a tough spot by being the power of attorney. Your parents obviously trust you, but at the same time, they're enabling your sister and counting on you to continue to support her.

When you say that your parents can't grasp their financial situation fully, what do you think makes them unable to understand? Would it help to have your financial advisor speak with them? It sounds like they cannot continue to support your sister, as much as they want to.